Forsaken by our Future
by Caroaimezoe
Summary: Human AU/TCEST - Working as a firefighter in early 2000s New York, Raph struggles to cope with the aftereffects of the terrorist attacks of 9/11 with drugs and the help of someone who understands what he's going through: a police captain named Leonardo. 1-6 Duz Art:Momoraww
1. The Towers

**Chapter One: The Towers**

* * *

Never before, even in the years since he'd become a firefighter and rushing headfirst into burning buildings had become commonplace, had Raphael breathed such dark, thick air. Ash swirled through the air as though a volcano had blown its top nearby. The oppressive heat of the grey air made his eyes sting and his throat ache, but Raph trudged towards the sound of screaming and crumbling buildings anyway. The refugees, for that was what the people of Manhattan had become that day, ran past him, tears streaking their dirty faces as they covered their noses and mouths with torn sleeves, trying in vain to block out the stench of burning bodies and jet fuel. Raphael kept walking, wordlessly directing the people around him away from the wreckage and towards the ambulances lining adjacent streets, the gurneys he'd seen rolled out of the hospital when his crew had driven past on their way into the City.

When the first plane had slammed into the North Tower, Raph had been gearing up for the day at a narrow brick station in Brooklyn. Elsewhere, the nation turned to the news, but the men and women of Rescue 2 did not have time to watch the news broadcasts blasting over every station; they were heading into Manhattan even before the second plane struck the South Tower.

From the moment they were on the ground, however, it was chaos. Raph had quickly lost the rest of his team and struggled to establish communication with any commanding officers. That was alright; he'd never been the best at respecting authority anyway and there was too much horror in front of him to stop and worry about orders. He knew what he needed to do; search and rescue.

Limbs, bloody and limp, stuck out from piles of rubble. Huge, gaping holes stood stark against the sky, fireballs blazing within. The South Tower was swaying, as skyscrapers tended to, but something about the motion made Raph feel sick and uneasy. Overhead, the fires blazed and people gripped the edges of the Tower's broken glass windows, faced with the impossible decision of jumping or facing the inferno. For as long as he lived, Raphael would never forget the sight of people making that impossible choice and jumping, falling to certain death rather than being burned alive. In the years to come, he'd see it behind his eyelids every time he tried to sleep, bodies sailing through the air with nothing to hope for other than a quick, painless death.

"Get back," Raph yelled, directing the people streaming out of the nearby North Tower exits down the cracking sidewalks, "as far away from here as you can!"

"Hey! Firefighter!"

Raph's head swiveled. Jogging towards him was a police officer, a captain judging by his white shirt. It had probably been clean and crisply pressed at some point but now hung on the man's muscular frame in filthy tears. He was older than Raph, maybe in his mid-thirties with just a touch of gray beginning to impose on his temples and a few thin lines around his almond eyes.

"Yea-?"

"This way," the man said, his voice clear and authoritative. Raph frowned but followed. His own pride could take a backseat for once. There were more pressing matters.

"A civilian was caught when..." he gestured noncommittally to the scene around them, "I can't get in touch with anyone on the radio and you were the first person I saw; help me."

"Got it," Raph answered, easily falling into step with the police captain, his own long strides matching the man's short, quick steps. Surveying the area, Raph realized they wouldn't be able to get equipment in to move the rubble; there was too much destruction, sidewalks peeling away from the ground, streets crackling like broken eggshells. They'd only be able to move what their muscles would allow.

"Help me!" A woman screamed hysterically, tears rolling down her pinched face, when Raph and the policeman got closer; her body was squashed into concrete slabs like paper-mâché and it seemed to take forever to get her loose. Another trend of the time, the time distortion. Raph would never quite be able to remember what had happened first, last, or in-between. In reality, it took only a couple of seconds for Raph to help the officer grip the piece of debris pinning the woman down and lift it away. Her leg came free, mangled and dangling sickly from her hip socket and she cried like she'd never be able to stop, rolling helplessly away from the rocks.

"She ain't gonna wa-" Raph began but, before he finished, the officer looped his arm around the woman's torso and lifted her, carrying her over his shoulders.

"I'll take her," he said and Raph nodded, watching the man take off towards the hospital gurneys, whispering soft words of comfort to the injured, but alive, woman.

One down, thousands to go.

"Jones!" Raph's radio crackled to life and he ripped it off his jacket, pressing down the talk button.

"Present, ma'am," he replied, stalking up Broadway back towards the towers. "Heading to North Tower now-"

A deep rumbling in the ground stole his voice and, for a moment, Raph thought it was an earthquake. Of all the days for a natural disaster, this was not it. But it wasn't an earthquake and with a plume of smoke and ash, the South Tower came down straight down into the earth like Jericho's walls. The ground rippled and rocked like a ship and Raph couldn't keep his balance against the pitching.

"Damn!" Raph exclaimed, falling to his knees in time to get a face of heavy dust cloud. Lifting his arms, he shielded his face and squeezed his eyes shut tight. Each shard of glass sliced through his muscles and each scrap of fluttering paper was weaponized by the force of the collapse; never had he felt such a literal interpretation of death by a thousand paper cuts.

When the air cleared enough for Raph to see, the South Tower was gone, leaving behind only piles of twisted foundation.

His radio was silent once more as Raph climbed to his feet. Overhead, the tower shuddered and shifted, threatening to join its fallen twin, no matter how many lives inside and below would be lost. What did the building care, when its insides were ablaze and its bricks melted into the street? Raph could hear people pounding at exits blocked by rocks and broken concrete. Swallowing, he took off at a run, trying not to look at what had been the South Tower just a few seconds ago.

Vaulting himself at one of the doors, he began to throw away pieces of rubble. Without a ladder or any heavier equipment, there wasn't much else he could do. Other first responders joined him, a haggard policewoman with blood leaking from her left ear and a dead-eyed EMT, and together they opened a hole big enough for those trapped within to claw their way out. For what seemed like hours but was likely only minutes, Raph circled the tower like an animal, finding any weak spot he could exploit and tearing it open. People spilled out from the holes, flooding the streets with their screams as they ran away. Those who couldn't walk had to be carried by others, because Raph couldn't allow himself to leave the tower. Not yet, not when there were still people inside that he might be able to get out.

But after a while, there were no more emergency doors to open. The tower groaned miserably on its foundation and Raph took a few steps back, letting himself look skyward. Just like the South Tower before it, the North Tower rocked and pitched, shaking loose screaming people from the upper levels like leaves from an autumn tree. They fell like leaves but landed like bombs, exploding into the concrete, churning Raph's soul in helpless grief. How could he save them?

"JONES!" Captain Bridge screeched at Raph from his radio once again, breaking the hold of the train wreck above had on his psyche. "What's your 20!?"

"The base of 1 World Tra-"

"1 Worl – Jones, the whole damn thing is gonna come down! Pull your head out of your ass and get out of there!"

He could feel the familiar rumbling again, the same way it had felt half an hour ago – could it possibly be only half an hour? - when the South Tower had collapsed. Captain Bridge was right; if he didn't haul ass out of there, he was going to be flat as a pancake. If he was lucky. If not, they'd be scraping disembodied pieces of him up with a spatula.

"Clear the area!" He yelled as he ran, motioning for people to move away, but it was near impossible to hear his hoarse voice over the drone of fire and creaking metal. Most people got the idea anyway, even without Raph's direction. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that the swaying tower was unstable or to feel the roll of the ground. The few who didn't move got Raph's hands on their arms, their backs, pulling them to their feet and shoving them on their way. A hunched, crying woman, too scared to continue. A child frozen in fear. He felt for them, sure, but they could feel all that mess later. Right now, they needed to get to safety, because that second tower was coming down. As close as he was, Raph didn't know if there was even enough time to put a safe distance between himself and the dying structure. All he could do was try, though. Raph ducked his head and ran.

When the North Tower fell, the air behind him swelled with pressure then burst, sending out shock waves of debris and displaced wind that howled like a shrill devil in Raph's popping ears. For a moment, Raph was weightless, as though he was caught on an ocean wave. Then the wave broke, slamming Raph face first against the fractured concrete. He laid still, blood haloing out from where his skull had smashed sickeningly into a curb, sounding like a bowl cracking, thick and heavy even through the cacophony of the falling tower. His lids closed and his mouth fell slack, unconscious to the papers and pebbles flying over his body, half burying his mass in a shallow, imperfect grave.

"Jones! JONES!" Captain Bridge shrieked, her voice undulating in voltaic distress, but Raph did not respond.

Bright light fought its way through Raphael's closed lids and he groaned, lolling his head away from the offending sun. Drums pounded in his head, far more cheerful and lively than he felt the situation warranted. Even without opening his eyes, Raph knew that he was in a hospital. The acrid scent of harsh sanitation assaulted his nostrils, masking the undertones of unpleasant bodily fluids. Through the percussion in his ears, Raph could hear nurses and doctors bustling, speaking in urgent, rushed tones. Everywhere, there was crying, but it was a dull din in the background, something far away and detached, muffled by a closed door.

"Imagine what it must sound like out there."

"Huh?" Raph's eyes popped open. He was in a simple room with four occupied beds, one his own. Two of the inhabitants slept or were unconscious, Raph couldn't tell, but the third was staring at him with calm, brown eyes.

"You," Raph said, blinking at the police captain from earlier, the one who had carried that woman off towards the hospital … before? An hour, a day. Raph had no idea how long he'd been here.

"I'm Leonardo," the man said, nodding a simple greeting. "Nice to meet you, Raphael."

"How do you know my name?"

Leonardo shrugged his shoulders easily and for the first time Raph noticed the wads of gauze and bandages around the man's left arm, just above the elbow. Below the dressings was empty space. Raph swallowed harshly, averting his eyes from the wound; Leonardo had lost an arm sometime after Raph had helped him free that lady.

His black hair was disheveled and dirty, hanging in his eyes and obscuring them. Leonardo tossed his head every now and then, but it didn't matter. It hung in his eyes anyway. Thin cuts crisscrossed his body, making him look like a ronin from the old black and white samurai movies Raph sometimes watched late at night. Even injured, even with his skin translucent as paper, showing the purple and blue veins spider webbed under the surface, Leonardo had an air of strength and calm.

"I heard your doctor say it," Leonardo explained. If he noticed Raph look away, he didn't comment on it.

"Raph," he said, struggling to sit up. "No one calls me Raphael but my ma."

"Okay," Leonardo replied. "Raph. My friends call me Leo. You might want to lay back down; you've been out for a day and a half."

Raph ignored Leo's suggestion and wrenched himself up in the cot, using the metal rails to brace himself. At least now he knew how long he'd been here. Other than the persistent beating in his head, Raph didn't feel too terrible. Not bad enough to stay in the hospital, anyway. Hell, he'd had hangovers worse than this. He could just imagine Angel if he tried to call in – Oh, shit, Angel! Though Angel was his captain, she was also his friend and had been for a couple of years. She was a firecracker of a woman, coiled like a furious jack-in-the-box, always ready to pop. Normally, she'd cuss him up one way and down the other for not checking in but, somehow, Raph doubted that would be the case this time.

Leo was watching him from across the narrow space between their beds, silently waiting for Raph to process whatever it was he was thinking through.

"My captain," he said, reaching towards the phone on their shared nightstand. "And my family. I gotta let 'em know I'm okay."

"The phones are down," Leo said.

Raph pretended not to hear and jabbed in the numbers anyway. A jarring, repetitive tone angrily scolded Raph for his efforts. Scowling, he slammed the receiver down. It skidded across the nightstand and clattered to the floor, that noise still blaring out from the speaker as the receiver swayed back and forth on its spiral cord.

Leaning, Leo grabbed the cord in his hand and yanked it upwards, catching the phone with his single hand when it flew into the air. He hung it up, understanding Raph's frustration. Leo would have felt the same, if his own supervisor, deputy inspector Oroku, hadn't already found him and checked in. With her hard, amber eyes flashing, Karai had assured Leo that she would file all the necessary paperwork for his medical leave and then ordered him to rest and recover as quickly as possible. He'd agreed and asked her to please inform his aging father of his condition. Though Leo's father, Yoshi, lived several hours away in a rural part of Massachusetts, Karai had promised that she would.

Leo knew the loss of his arm meant that his days in the field were over. He tried not to be sad about it; since he'd been promoted to captain, he spent less and less time in the field anyway, but it was difficult not to feel at least somewhat disappointed. Though Leonardo excelled at the political landmine of upper management, he didn't hold the same passion for it as he did being in the field. Delivering press conferences just didn't get the blood pumping the same way chasing down a perp did.

"You don't value your talents," Karai would say and Leo didn't argue with her, though he knew that she did not understand. It wasn't that Leo didn't see value in the work he did; he just didn't care about the political game.

Leo stared at the stump where his arm used to be. He supposed it was the game from here on out.

"Didja overhear the doc say how long I'm gonna be here?"

"Huh?" Leo lifted his head; he hadn't been paying attention to Raph. "Oh, no. Sorry."

Sighing, Raph flopped down into his bed petulantly. Probably for a while, Leo thought, if he had any stitches and kept throwing himself around like a rag doll.

Now that all Raph's gear had been removed, Leo had a much clearer view of the fireman. He was tall and broad, taller and broader than Leo. His own muscles were respectable, but Raphael looked like someone who pumped iron like other people breathed oxygen. It wasn't an unattractive look; it suited him and defined his frame well. Raph was younger than Leo by at least five years, he was sure, maybe more. His eyes were almost identical in color to Karai's, but Leo could ignore the similarity. Raph's hair was like a fluffy storm cloud; one of the nurses had undone the tight bun at the base of Raph's neck when they'd finally laid him down and now all that hair hung loose around him.

"I'm sure the doctor will be in when she can," Leo said, trying to comfort his roommate.

Raph just nodded, clearly distracted. "Yeah."

Leo kept watching Raph, wanting to do something to ease his mind but nothing came to him. Asking about Raph's family would likely only cause more stress. Today was not the day to ask if Raph liked being a fireman. Anything more personal than that seemed unnecessarily invasive.

Frowning, Leo turned his eyes away and began to fidget awkwardly. This was why he didn't have any friends.

Besides the nightstand between their beds, the room was sparsely decorated. Two roll-away beds had been wheeled in and sleeping policemen laid on them; neither were from Leo's precinct and he hadn't met either before, at least not that he could recall. The nightstand had been shoved to one corner of the room to make space for the extra beds. An old, boxy television was bolted to the wall next to the bathroom door. The door was closed.

Without anywhere else to look, Leo idly rifled through the nightstand drawers. An old deck of cards laid at the bottom of the last drawer, a little old and bent, but perfectly usable, even if the deck stuck a bit when Leo tried to pick it up. Cards seemed like the perfect casual activity to help distract Raph until the doctor came.

"So, uh," Leo said, leaning back into his pillows. "You wanna play some cards?"

Raph gave Leo a side eye, watching as the policeman attempted to open the deck and shuffle the worn cards with a single hand. Even though he knew he probably shouldn't and Ma would slap him in the head for being so rude, Raph chuckled.

"A'ight, sure, but ya better let me shuffle, officer."

Many hands of cards later, nothing much had changed in the little room. Nurses bustled in and out every so often, changing Leo and Raph's IVs and muttering snippets of information too low and fast for them to be able to make out. Outside the doors that kept them shuttered in, people sped by, tears streaming down their faces, some practically running, hands over their mouths to hold back the screams.

They've seen their loved ones, Leo thought as he watched them over the top of Raph's dark, puffy head, glad that the passersby didn't notice him; how he must have looked with his singed hair and burned skin, not to mention the stump of his arm.

"Three hours?!" Raph exclaimed, throwing his cards down after what must have been their hundredth game, causing Leo to break out of his thoughts and blink. A large, digital clock on the wall across the hall displayed the relatively early time and Leo yawned, nodding in recognition of Raphael's frustration.

Two days and three hours was a long time to not know anything or see anyone, even if you had been unconscious for the great majority of it. He was curious to know if Karai had alerted any of his family as to his whereabouts. How much of the city lost power when the towers fell?

"It's only been three hours—for real?" Raph continued, staring at the clock with disgust. "Man, that clock must be busted."

"I have a watch," Leo said, smirking, laying his head back on his pillow, burnt hair crunching into the stark white of the pillow case.

Blinking, Raph sat up and instinctively peered over. When he didn't see a watch on the one intact wrist Leo had, he rolled his eyes and flopped back into place. "You don't need to say it, man, I got-."

"But it's on my other arm," Leo finished, ignoring Raph's groan at the tasteless joke.

"Are you high?" Raph asked, squinting at Leo from across the room.

Leo chuckled, finding himself quite funny for the joke though he wasn't offended that Raph didn't seem to think so. Turning his eyes to the IV in his arm, pumping him full of morphine and saline and who knew what else, he shrugged.

"Well, maybe a little," Leo admitted finally and Raph laughed.

The two sat there with companionable laughter, trying to tone it down when their other roommates shifted under the thin sheets, rolling over and mumbling in pained annoyance. Not that the hospital was exactly quiet. In fact, a dull roar was screeching up the hall towards their room. Spine straightening, Raph sat up as the sharp clack of heels and a high-pitched voice came closer. Leo watched him curiously, noting the way Raph turned his ear towards the door, listening.

Leo was just opening his mouth to ask what was the matter when the door burst open. A woman on the down slide of middle age spilled in, tears and mascara rolling down the pasty folds of her pleasantly fat face.

"Ma," Raph said, faintly shocked, and the woman flung herself across the room with open arms.

"Baby! My baby!"


	2. The family

**Chapter Two: The Family**

* * *

When Raph was five years old, he'd been adopted into the Jones family. They were a small, modest family who lived in a small, modest home in Midwood. On that day, Raph gained a mother and an older brother. Why Mrs. Jones, who came to be known affectionately as 'Ma', wanted another child Raphael had never asked. As for his brother, Casey was 5 years older and an incredible doofus, but he and Raph got on remarkably well. Being adopted didn't mean much to Raph; Ma and Casey were his family. Whether he'd come out of his ma's vagina or not didn't matter a whole hell of a lot. That wasn't what it meant to be a family, anyway. Whoever had pushed Raph out had left him at the hospital; he'd never even seen her after his birth, as far as he knew. What made that lady his mother over Ma? Not a damn thing.

He could still remember the first time he'd seen his ma. She was hard to forget, with her fire engine dyed hair spilling out of her rosie wrap and messy little Casey clutching her hand in his small, sticky one. The boys' home had a lot of adoption events where families would come in and look at the children like they were puppies for sale. Most of the families were prim and mild, giving the kids awkward, tight lipped smiles and pitying eyes, but not Casey and Ma. They were loud and ostentatious and honest. The children had gawked when Mrs. Jones sashayed down the corridors, teetering on her patent leather heels. Some laughed behind their hands and some laughed with open rudeness, but not Raph. Raph thought they were interesting and that Mrs. Jones, in all her animal-printed glory, looked fun. While the other kids stared and shuffled around the more presentable families, Raph had elbowed his way to the woman and her frowning son.

"Hi," he'd said, thrusting a grubby hand in her direction. "I'm Raphael."

"Well, hello there, little man," she replied with a voice sweet like melting honey, giving his hand a cursory shake. "I'm Mrs. Jones and this here is my son, Arnold."

"Hi," Raph'd said, redirecting his hand to the other child, the one she called Arnold. He'd later learn his full name was Arnold Casey Jones and Ma was the only one who could get away with calling him Arnold.

"What's wrong with his hair?" Casey had whisper-asked up at his mother, as though Raph wasn't standing right there and couldn't hear the question.

Defensively, Raph's hand went from Casey's to his head, gingerly tracing his fingers over the narrow dreadlocks lining his scalp and falling to his shoulders. Most of the time he wore them back in a thick ponytail but, for no particular reason, he hadn't today. He suddenly wished that he had.

"What's wrong with your hair?" Raph had shot back with a scowl, eyeing the greasy black tangles hanging limply by Casey's prominent ears. "Ain't cha got shampoo?"

For a moment, Casey just blinked at Raph, unsure of whether to be insulted by Raph's retort. Then a wide, toothy grin crested over Casey's face and he tilted his head back in a hearty, high laugh.

"You're funny!" Casey giggled, and Raph, unable to help it, found himself laughing too.

And so began the contentious relationship Raph had with his older brother. They teased one another often and mercilessly, but Casey was Raph's best friend and he couldn't ask for a better brother. They'd shared a room for most of their childhood, from the day Raph had went home with the Jones's until Casey moved out with his girlfriend, April.

Though his family was white as bleached cotton, Raph had never felt inferior. Ma accepted him as her own child and treated him no different than she treated Casey, for better or for worse. Honestly, with the woman's tenaciousness, Raph was surprised it had taken her as long as it did to find him in the hospital.

"Oh, Raphael!" Ma Jones cried, crossing the clinical room to hug Raph's face. She mashed his cheek into her bosom and cooed his name, raf-e-el, over and over, petting his hair like a child's.

Casey came in behind her, long tendrils of greasy black hair framing his face. He wore sweats and a tank top and the same well-defined muscles as Raphael. He too joined Raph on the bed, though he was far subtler about it than the woman.

"Oh, Raphael," she continued, stroking his face and pressing red-stained lips into his hair. "I was so worried about you! No call, nothin'!"

"Ma, the phones are down," Casey said and she cut sharp eyes to him.

"Don't you sass me, Arnold," she scolded and Casey looked down, kicking the tiled floor sheepishly.

"It took forever to find you, just fur-evah!" She continued in her heavy accent, like Raph's but lighter and more feminine. "We was so worried. Baby! My baby!"

"Okay, okay, ma," Raph said, patting her arms and attempting to peel her hands away, which were death viced into his biceps. She clutched him tighter and Raph gave up. "Ma, I'm okay. Ya can let go of me."

"I saw it all on the news," she continued, as though she had not heard Raphael at all. "I said to Casey, I said, your brother's there, Arnold, your brother!"

"She cried about four hundred times," Casey informed, clapping Raph's shoulder. "She was real worried 'bout you, man." Casey paused, looking contemplative, then shrugged his meaty shoulders. "Guess I was too. Glad you're a'ight, baby bro."

Raph patted Ma Jones's back in what he hoped was a soothing manner and nodded at Casey. Worrying his family didn't bring him any joy, but at least he had a good enough family to worry about him. And to go through the trouble of finding him, when so many systems were still non-functioning. He was luckier than most.

Luckier than Leo, maybe. Raph looked at the man as he comforted his mother. So far, no one had come to visit Leo. Maybe he didn't have family, or maybe they just hadn't found him yet. He had to have a commanding officer, but Angel hadn't made it in to see Raph yet, so maybe Leo's just hadn't either. Looking around the room, Raph frowned; there were a lot of first responders to sift through and it would probably be a while before he had a chance to talk with Angel, to let her and the rest of his company know that he was okay.

"Ma, I'm okay," Raph insisted again. With Casey's help, they pried her off and sat her on the edge of Raph's cot. Dabbing her eyes with a lace-trimmed handkerchief, she nodded absently and sniffled, mumbling under her breath about her baby and how unbelievable the situation was.

Raph agreed with her. He hadn't had a lot of opportunity to really think about what had happened and, honestly, he didn't really know. No news was on in the hospital room and no one had come in for him to ask, before his family.

"Ma, what happened?" Raph asked.

She rubbed her nose and wiped her eyes. "The news said it was terrorists."

Raph resisted the urge to sigh. He'd figured that much out on his own. Looking to Casey, Raph raised his eyebrows in question, but his brother shook his head, nodding towards their mother. Later, his expression said, and Raph reluctantly stopped his questioning.

Leonardo sat in polite silence as Raph reconciled with his family, but his mind was whirling. Terrorists. Like Raph, he'd already figured that out on his own. Karai hadn't given him any more information than Raph's mother. Who was it, and why? Those were the answers that would define the country's response, though Leo had been around long enough to know what this meant: The United States of America was going to war. Of that, he was sure.

After Raph's family had visited for a while, his mother touching his hair and face and Casey quietly berating her, the door opened. A tall, lean man with glasses perched upon his nose swept in. Dark circles ringed his chestnut eyes and his black hair was slicked into a ponytail.

"Don," Leo said, sitting up straighter in the bed. Raph looked up as well, and Leo motioned at the man. "Raph, this is Don. He's our doctor." When Raph continued to stare at him questioningly, Leo continued. "He's also my brother."

"Oh!" Ma Jones exclaimed, jumping out of the bed. "Oh, thank you for taking care of my baby, Dr. Don." Leo bit down a snicker at the expression crossing Don's face. The woman continued, asking the pertinent question. "When can Raphael come home?"

"Soon," Don replied, flipping through Raph's chart. "Now that's he's awake, it should be within a few hours. We want to keep him for observation."

Even as he spoke, Don's focus was elsewhere. Leonardo felt a bit awkward under his younger brother's gaze. Though they both knew it was against hospital policy for Leo to be Don's patient, neither cared. There was no one that Don would entrust the care of his brother to in this hospital; they were all quacks, as far as he was concerned. No way would he let one of those bozos butcher Leonardo.

Carefully, he took Leo's stump in his hands and turned it, judging the coagulation. The dressing should have been changed hours ago; where the hell were the nurses? Frowning, Don straightened up. He'd go get the supplies and do it himself, like he did everything-

Leo cleared his throat and Don paused, stopping to look at his brother. Tilting his head just a fraction, Leo motioned at the Jones family. It was only then that Don noticed how expectantly they were all staring at him.

"Oh," he said, flushing a bit. He flipped through his clipboard some more. "Raphael suffered some minor contusions and blunt force trauma to the head." Ma Jones wailed, hugging Raph to her, and Don kept going. "I'll draw up some discharge papers with more information on his condition but, really, he's fine. There's nothing to worry about."

Don looked to Leo and Leo gave a small nod of approval. "For now," Don said, sticking his hands into his coat pockets, clip board held between his arm and body, "I need you to please vacate the room. I need to attend to the other patients."

"We'll be right outside," Ma Jones promised, planting a messy kiss in the middle of Raph's forehead before sashaying out. She hugged Don too, for good measure, who patted her uncomfortably.

"Doc," Raph said after his family had left, "What about Leo?"

Blinking, Don looked from Raph to Leo. Leo shrugged. "Well," Don said, "other than the obvious, he's fine and he's a great candidate for a prosthetic. It's just a matter of time now. He'll be here for a day or two, then we'll release him."

"With his prosthetic?"

"No," Don answered, eyeing Leo suspiciously, wondering why Raphael was so concerned. "That comes later. His arm needs to heal and be properly shaped so that we can fit it with a prosthetic. It'll be a couple of months until he gets a new arm."

Done answering questions, Don left the room to gather the necessary supplies for Leo's arm, leaving Leo and Raph alone. Leo peered at his roommate, intrigued by his sudden interest in Leo's medical care.

"Don's a good doctor," Leo said. "A great doctor, actually. He'll take good care of you. And me, too."

Nodding, Raph crossed his arms over his chest and flumped back into the pillows. It was difficult not to feel a sense of comradery with Leonardo; not only had they shared a room for the last couple of hours, but Leo was one of the few people Raph had seen at the Towers, had sweated and bled with. To be roomed together like this after such an experience would have felt like fate, if Raph believed in such a thing.

"Yeah," Raph acknowledged, lolling his head to the side to look at Leo. "Pretty cool, havin' a hotshot doctor for a brother."

Leo nodded; Raph had no idea. Leo half expected Don to build him a bionic monstrosity to replace his lost arm and, honestly, Leo wouldn't have minded. The loss of his arm wasn't something he'd really thought about too much yet. Staring at his stump, Leo felt detachment, as though it wasn't his arm at all and this was happening to someone else.

That'll change, Don would say, if Leo told him how he was feeling, and Leo didn't doubt it. He just hoped he was strong enough to handle it when it did change.

My friends call me Leo, he'd told Raph, but it wasn't very true. Leo didn't have a lot of friends. As a matter of fact, there was only one person he considered such: his best friend, Usagi. There were lots of people he was friendly with or had casual relationships, but Usagi was Leo's only real friend.

Don returned and began working on Leo's arm, but he couldn't feel it. Instead, he watched Raph. He seemed like the sort of person who had lots of friends. It wasn't jealousy that Leo felt, but rather admiration. Following the curves of Raph's face with his eyes, Leo wondered what the man's life was like.

It was easy to imagine Raph having a beer with his company after a shift, laughing and shit-talking in a crappy dive bar. A thought ran through Leo like a splash of icy water; how many of that company had survived? How long would it be before they, any of them, could be that carefree again?

"Hey," Leo said, ignoring the way Don's eyes cut to him. "I was wondering, when you get out, if, well, uh," Leo faltered, feeling awkward and stupid as he attempted to give his number to Raphael. Don rolled his eyes but didn't intervene.

It took a moment for Raph to understand what Leo was asking, but when he waded through the stuttering, he chuckled. "Hey, man," Raph said, reaching into the nightstand drawer to withdraw the small memo pad and pen. "Gotta stick together."

Ripping off the paper, he sat it on the desk between them, the numbers stark against the white page.

"Finished here," Doctor Don said, his voice clipped and sharp in the quiet room. Raph decided he didn't like him; maybe Don was just high-strung or stressed out from his job, but he seemed like a douchebag to Raphael.

"Let's get you discharged, Jones," Don continued. "Your family is waiting."

The discharge process didn't take nearly as long as Raph had expected, probably because Don was all but rolling out a red carpet to rush him out the door. He barely had a chance to say goodbye to Leonardo, who promised he'd text Raph his number when cell service was available again.

In the hall, his mother and brother waited. Tears glistened in Ma Jones's eyes and Raph draped an arm over her shoulders, pulling her close as they navigated out of the hospital. Most of the gurneys had been removed from the labyrinthine halls as the less severely injured people had been shuffled out. Those who remained suffered from more serious ailments; catastrophic burns, missing limbs, and gaping, bloody gashes glared at Raph from every open doorway on their way out.

"I was so worried," Ma Jones whispered for the millionth time, staring into the rooms of those still admitted, knowing that any one of them could have been her son.

"I know, Ma," Raph replied, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I know."

Casey's old El Camino was parked in the lot, looking as shitty and defeated as it had since the day Casey bought it. Raph would never understand why Casey loved the car so much, but he'd long since just accepted the piece of shit as part of the family.

The three piled into the El Camino. Ma wanted Raph to come home with her so that she could fret over him and shovel food down his face, but Raph declined.

"Take me home, Case," Raph insisted. His brother nodded and, through the dissenting chatter of their mother, drove Raphael home.

The hospital that he'd been taken to was in Manhattan, close to the Towers. Raph lived in Brooklyn, closer to his Ma and his station. As Casey navigated the streets, Raph got his first opportunity to survey the damage. Many of the roads were closed, dingy yellow police tape roping off the worst of the wreckage. Traffic was sparser than Raph had ever seen it; the buses didn't seem to be running downtown. Uniforms stopped vehicles coming in and out of the area through a series of checkpoints, perhaps for traffic control or perhaps for security. Probably both.

"Afternoon," An officer said when Casey stopped at the checkpoint at the Williamsburg Bridge.

"Hey, officer," Casey replied, showing Raph's discharge paper. He hooked his thumb at Raph. "Takin' my brother home from the hospital. He's a fireman."

The man looked at the family over his shades, from Casey to Ma and finally to Raph. If he found something off about a black man in the car with his two white family members, he didn't say so.

"Alright," he said, handing the hospital papers back. "Go on through."

Over the bridge, the streets quickly returned to normal. Nothing seemed amiss at all, unless Raph looked over his shoulder or glanced into the rearview mirror at disappearing Manhattan. All the way to Raph's apartment, everything seemed exactly the same as it had been before.

"Call if ya need anythin'," Casey instructed as Raph climbed out of the car, waving goodbye as his family rumbled off down the pot-marked asphalt.

A stout, brick building stood before Raphael. It was an older building, built in the 1960s, so it didn't have much in the way of modern amenities. But it was sturdy and the walls were thick, so Raph didn't think he had much to complain about. Plus, it was small, just four apartments on the bottom floor and four more on the top. The idea of living in one of those mega complexes didn't hold a lot of appeal, even if they'd have a swimming pool and clubhouse.

Raph's apartment was in the bottom left corner. He let himself in; his keys had been with his belongings at the hospital, returned to him upon discharge. He'd brought his gear home rather than having Casey stop at the station to drop it off, though he hadn't worn it. Just his jeans, tank top, and boots. The boots he kicked off as soon as he came inside and he piled his gear on the ratty couch. Miniblinds hung from the windows. Raph had fitted cheap blackout curtains on even cheaper aluminum rods over some to keep out the glare of the streetlights. His kitchen was old but functional, with a white and black interior that reminded him of an old timey diner. The bathroom was much the same, with an old claw foot tub and heavy steel shower rod shoved right into the wall. The carpet had a smell of slight dust and Raph inhaled deeply as he kicked the front door shut behind him. It wasn't much to look at, but it was comfortable and it was home.

Gliding through the rooms on autopilot, Raph stripped his clothes as he went, leaving a trail of dirty laundry from the door to the bedroom. His mouth felt like it was filled with burned kitty litter, so he brushed his teeth and washed his face before flopping down onto the couple of stacked mattresses that served as his bed. He threw his keys and phone on the nightstand. What a fucking day. Or couple of days; he still wasn't sure how long he'd been in the hospital. Somehow, in all the activity of his discharge, he'd forgotten to ask.

Well, whatever. He'd find out tomorrow when he went to the station. For right now, it didn't much matter. Reaching over to his nightstand, he flipped open his phone. No service blinked at him in digital white text. No time. No date. He flipped it shut and threw it back down.

Nestling his face into the crooks of his arms, Raph yawned widely, his jaw popping. No reason he should feel so sleep, probably, but he felt exhausted, as if he could sleep for a hundred years like a modern day Rip Van Winkle. Raph didn't fight the fatigue but rather embraced it, easily slipping to sleep, eager to put the surreal experience of the attacks behind him. Maybe he'd wake up in the morning and find it had all been just a bad dream.


	3. The Morning After

**Chapter Three: The Morning After**

* * *

It was early when Raphael woke. Weak sunbeams filtered through the blinds, disappearing behind the half-drawn curtains. Even without an alarm, Raph was accustomed to waking early for his long shifts at the station. Rolling over in the bed, he snatched his phone from the nightstand and flipped it open.

7:05 am it stated. Yawning, Raph stretched. Arms spread wide above him, his phone buzzed. Raph blinked, surprised by the motion, and looked at it. The No Service notification had disappeared, replaced with a few ascending bars. For the first time, Raph saw the date. It was September 13th; he had been in the hospital for a full day, unconscious for most of it.

The phone buzzed again. The messages and voicemails began pouring in rapidly, so service couldn't have been restored for too long. All his friends and family wanted to know where he was, if he was okay, if he saw the Towers.

Raph tossed it aside. He'd reply after he'd had a shower. Turning on the cool water, Raph shook out his hair and stepped under the stream. It felt good on his skin. He took his time standing under the water, turning in a circle to wet his entire body and his hair. Cringing at the thought, Raph reached for his shampoo. He'd have to wash his hair; he just hoped that his wasn't as singed as Leo's had been.

Raph's stomach clenched as he felt his hair disintegrating. It broke from his scalp and ran down his body like wet ash, disappearing in a circle of cloudy water down the drain. His injuries were superficial and he washed them carefully, then scrubbed his body until his skin hurt.

It wasn't until he was out of the shower that he could really assess the damage; he'd lost maybe half the length of his hair. It hung near his shoulders awkwardly, the ends jagged and uneven.

Great, he thought as he threw on some jeans and a black tank top. He'd have to get it fixed up; maybe his friend Xever would be willing to give him a free cut. Xever was into male beauty in a very heterosexual way. He always looked fresh and smelled great, so sometimes Raph allowed Xever to work on his hair, even if it meant listening to him click his tongue and shake his head. 'Ay,' he'd say, 'your edges, amigo. You will never find a boyfriend looking like this.' He'd laugh when Raph swatted him away, then pull him back by the ponytail. 'No, no, let me help you. It is my charitable work.'

Maybe he'd go short. It would be better than the junior prom look he was currently sporting. Making a mental note to call Xever later, Raph dumped his essentials into his pockets and headed out the door.

Raph shaded his eyes from the bright, early morning sun and paused for a moment in the narrow hall that made up the foyer of the building he lived in. There was a very fine, silvery cloud of dust in the air. It hung loose over everything, blowing softly in the moistened winds and sticking to every pane of glass, every steel bench and dew-covered road sign.

'Ash. From the Towers,' he thought, looking out towards where he knew they were. Or rather, where they used to be. He couldn't see anything from so far way, with so many other buildings blocking the view. A thin trail of black smoke rose from the south end of Manhattan and mixed with a clutch of puffy white clouds. Was it still burning even after all this time?

A flash of oranges, reds, and blues crackled through his memory and he winced reflexively, looking away from the smoke. His heart hammered in his chest, but he managed to slow it as he approached his bike. Betty was a candy red Honda Shadow and his one true love. She leaned elegantly on her kick in Raph's parking space, waiting for him to return and ride her again.

"Hey, baby," he murmured lovingly, enjoying the simple pleasure of touching her. The leather of her seat was cool and smooth under his fingertips. He straddled his bike and fished his helmet out of the cracked leather saddlebag. The fire and death was replaced with the roar of an engine beneath him and the wind in his ears.

The neighborhood surrounding his station was covered in the same soft, smoky haze, but people were outside anyway, doing normal everyday things. Walking their dogs. Jogging. Buying beer and cigarettes and soda pop at the corner store. A man washed dust from his SUV with a frown.

Raph rounded the corner and easily slid into a parking space near his station. The station doors were open when he arrived. One of the two trucks was gone. He wasn't surprised; he wondered if it was downtown still. Or again.

"Yo," he called out, striding inside. "Anybody home?"

He heard Angel before he saw her, a skid of boots on cement flooring as she screeched around the corner. She was shorter than Raph by a good foot with long, flowing hair streaked in purple. Baggy yellow pants obscured her waist, but the tight white tank top showed off the muscles of her stomach and arms. For a moment, Raph swore he saw tears glistening at the corners of her jade eyes but, when she got close enough, she slugged him hard in the arm with her knuckles.

"Raph!" she cried, hurtling herself against him and throwing her arms around his neck. "You fuckin' asshole; why didn't you answer my calls!?"

Wrapping his arms around her waist, Raph hugged her back, lifting her off the ground for a second before putting her down to rub his smarting arm.

"Sorry," he replied, "My phone just started workin' again this mornin' and I thought I'd just ride over instead of call, cuz I knew you and Traximus would be here."

As soon as the name Traximus left Raph's lips, Angel's face fell and Raph's stomach bottomed out.

"Angel?" He asked, but he didn't have to. He knew what she was going to say.

"Trax didn't make it," she said, her voice low and hoarse.

Stars speckled in Raph's vision and he shut his eyes. Traximus was already a fireman when Raph had started. An army veteran, Trax had chosen to spend his retirement working fire rescue. 'I've seen too many people die when they didn't have to,' he'd say if anyone asked why he decided to join up instead of spending his golden years feeding pigeons in the park and playing chess with other old farts. Not that Trax was old, not really. He'd only been in his mid-40s when Raph had started and the man had taken Raph under his wing, so to speak. Maybe he'd seen potential in Raph or maybe he just liked his sarcastic sense of humor and propensity for beer, but Raph and Trax had become fast friends.

And now he was dead. The thought hit Raph like a cement wall at 90 miles per hour. Raph had seen people die; dozens of them, jumping from buildings, trapped in wreckage that couldn't be moved, suffocated inside of dust smothered caverns, but the loss of Traximus, of one of his closest friends, made the last few days feel vividly real.

"He was a hero," Angel said, laying a hand on Raph's bicep.

He nodded dazedly. "What about-"

"No other casualties," she answered, not making him finish the painful question. "We were lucky. Real lucky."

"Yeah," Raph replied, staring into the station. He couldn't see the lockers from this vantage point, but he wondered if Trax's locker was empty already. Had his wife come, teary eyed and snot nosed, for his belongings?

"Does Belinda know?" He asked.

"Yes," she responded. "But she hasn't come by. We're going to send her a card and some flowers for the wake ..."

"I'll take his things over."

Angel didn't protest, just followed Raph inside the station and around the corridor to the lockers. Everyone had one, not really assigned, but space given out of respect for one another. Trax's was the very last locker on the right side. It didn't look any different that day than it had any other day. There were no boots in front of it, no jacket hanging on the hook. Those things would have been with Trax, on him, lost to the fire or the bricks or whatever it was that had killed him. Raph didn't ask. He simply opened the locker and began to silently empty it into a box that Angel brought over. Some of the things would stay at the station, but the personal belongings should be returned to Traximus's wife.

To his widow, Trax realized as he carefully took down the photos sticky tacked to the inside of the door. The company picnic last year. The Christmas party the year before, where Raph had gotten drunk and serenaded Angel with rock ballads. Trax had dressed up as Santa on steroids, his huge biceps bulging out of his cheap, rented costume. All those memories went into the box.

"I'll be back after I drop this off," Raph assured Angel as he closed the box.

"What? No, you absolutely will not," Angel said, planting her feet and jabbing her fists against her hipbones. "You just got out of the hospital, Jones! You need to rest."

"How do you know that?" He asked, fixing her with a glare.

"You still have the bracelet on, bonehead."

Damn. Sure enough, Raph had forgotten to cut off the hospital identification bracelet when he'd showered that morning. He hadn't even noticed it. Gripping it in strong fingers, he tore it up and dropped it at Angel's feet.

"There," he said.

She glared harder. "Not there. You are taking some medical leave."

"What!? Angel, that's stupid. With all this," he motioned in the direction of downtown, to the ash still falling like dirty snow, "goin' on, you need me."

"That's an order, Jones!"

Expletives bubbled up from his belly like bile, but Raph squashed them and turned his head away angrily, singed hair poofing against his shoulders.

"Alright, fine," he snarled, shoving his helmet back onto his head. "Have it yer way, but don't come blubberin' to me when ya under core!"

Trax's box rubbed against the small of Raph's back, bouncing precariously against Betty's seat. Each rib of cardboard felt more like a stab. Grief slid down his throat like an ice cube, closing his windpipe and freezing his gut. Belinda was prim in a way that had surprised Raph the first time they met, but her extraordinary kindness had shown Raph why Traximus loved her. She had a fierceness about her, a sense of moral and civic responsibility that Raph respected. Traximus had had it too; maybe that was why the pair had ended up getting hitched in the first place. He didn't know. All Raph knew about the couple getting together was that it had happened after Trax left the army. He sure as hell wasn't going to ask about it now, so he'd probably never know how the two had met. That was alright; Belinda could keep it as her own private memory.

There were already cars piled up in the drive when Raph pulled up to the small house. Unstrapping the box, Raph crossed the lawn to the door. It was only after he'd given the orange frame two firm taps that he realized he had no idea what to say when she opened the door.

He didn't have time to think about it; the door opened almost immediately, but it wasn't Belinda. A man that Raph had never seen stood there, peering down at him quizzically.

"Uhh..." Raph said, feeling awkward and stupid as he stood there with his box.

"Roger, who is it?" Belinda's voice floated to the entryway and she followed, looking just as tired as she had sounded. When she saw Raph, however, she smiled. The corners of her eyes crinkled with crow's feet that the tight pull of her salt and pepper bun could not straighten out. Dressed in a conservative black suit, she glided to Raph, a soft, compassionate smile touching her thin lips. Seeing the way that smile went all the way to her steel gray eyes made Raph feel worse.

"Raphael," she said, patting his arm. "I'm glad you're okay, honey. Roger, this is Raphael, one of Trax's friends from the fire company. Roger's Traximus's brother."

Raph hadn't even known he'd had one. There was a lot he didn't know about Trax's life before the fire company. They didn't talk about it much, he guessed, and Raph had never felt like something was missing. Standing there, however, across from Trax's family, Raph felt out of place.

He held the box out to the both of them. "Uh, I brought Trax's stuff. From the station."

Belinda relieved him of his burden, nodding, then handed it over to Roger. "Thank you," she said graciously. "Won't you come inside?"

Raph peeked around her inconspicuously. There was no one he recognized, just a lot of people who were probably Belinda's friends and family, and some of Trax's family too. Usually, Raph liked people. He enjoyed having a drink or talking shit, playing games and gambling, generally living and laughing, but right then he didn't want to do any of those things. Going into Belinda's house was second only to sticking a poker in his eye.

"No, thanks," he answered. "I gotta get back to work. Look, Belinda... I'm sorry. Trax was a good man."

All the way back to his apartment, Raph's insides ricocheted between numbness and hot indignation. Traximus hadn't deserved to die. He was a good man. No one else from his company had been killed, but Raph knew that all across the city, people were in mourning for their lost family and friends. Sure, some of the people who had died were probably scumbags, but most were just regular people, working their 9-to-5s to support their families. None of them had deserved to die.

Raph opened the throttle. Rocketing dangerously around curves, his helmet nearly grazing the pavement, he grit his teeth and cursed everything he could think. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not here. What about the FBI or the CIA? Didn't they have programs to stop this kind of thing from happening? What about radio towers or whatever? How had someone managed to just fly a plane into a tower full of people in downtown New York? Deep down Raph knew that it had to be complicated than that, but he needed someone to blame. One of his best friends was dead and he didn't know why or what for.

Throwing down Betty's kick, Raph leaned the bike into his parking space and stalked towards his apartment. It was empty, just like he'd left it. His pile of filthy gear sat on the chair nearest the door, smelling of singed plastic, covered in ashes and debris and blood that probably wasn't his.

Raph kicked the chair hard, knocking it over. His pants and helmet spilled over the floor and his oxygen tank rolled into the kitchen. Just seeing the burned pants and jacket, littered with jagged tears from steel rods that had been poking through the sidewalks, from people's nails digging into his arms, trying to claw their way out from the crumbling towers, made Raph's blood boil. Why had any of this happened!? What for!? Why did Trax have to lose his life? Why did that man, Leonardo, have to lose an arm? He'd never be able to do fieldwork again. Hell, Leo might even be forced into early retirement. It was all stupid, senseless fucking tragedy and Raph hated it.

Downtown was still burning. Raph shuddered when he glanced out his window at the gray tinted sky. There were probably people in there, a mound of crushed and burned corpses hidden by debris that wouldn't be found for several days from now. Firefighters from every corner of the city, probably from Jersey too, would be there until it was over—had been there from the beginning, plucking the dead and dying out of the wreckage. Everyone was there. Would be there until the fire was out. Until it was all over.

Everyone except Raph.

Looking down at his wrist, he felt an itch and remembered throwing the hospital band away at the station. He remembered the fierce look in Angel's eyes when she'd ordered him on medical leave. What had she seen when she'd looked at him?

Cursing the world at large, Raph paced across his bedroom furiously. The old wooden floors groaned under his weight. The dust ruffle skirting his hand-me-down lounge chair swayed like palm leaves in a breeze as he brushed past. It was too quiet in the apartment. The silence made him feel anxious and irritated, or maybe it just gave him nothing to do except think about how anxious and irritated he felt. At Angel. At himself. At the world.

The clock on the wall in his tiny kitchen read 9:45 in the AM. Everything he'd done this morning, going to the station, talking to Angel, taking Trax's belongings home to his wife, had taken almost no time. He considered going back to sleep, but squashed the thought, forcing himself up out of bed and back into the kitchen.

Snatching open the refrigerator door, Raph peered inside and grabbed the first of many beers he would have that day. Tipping it back, a thin smile spread across his face, despite himself. It was good and cold, like a beer was supposed to be. For a little while, Raph could relax.

Beer in hand, Raph set about tidying the apartment. He didn't have anything else to do, so might as well. It wasn't messy, it rarely was, but made the bed and scrubbed the toilet to a soundtrack of heavy bass just to have something to do. When that was done, he texted his brother an update, letting him know about the forced medical leave.

'That sux bro' Casey responded and Raph grimaced at the phone in agreement. His ma would probably think it was an excellent idea; Raph had already given his time and now it was for someone else to step up, but Raph couldn't think like that. Maybe he just didn't trust that anyone else would step up and then everything would go to shit. A healthy egotism, he said. Self-important shithead, Casey said.

He texted Xever to see if he could get that haircut, but he didn't respond immediately and Raph was right back where he had started, pacing back and forth across his apartment with boredom and stress beating in his head.

Medical leave. Angel hadn't said how long he was supposed to be out. She hadn't even asked about his injuries, just set him packing when she'd seen the hospital bracelet. Raph wanted to call and cuss her out. What the fuck was he supposed to do all day? What about all the other people on their team? Were they out on medical leave? What was so wrong with him he couldn't go out and help? A few cuts, a bump on the head ... it was nothing!

Spinning round on his heel, Raph slapped down the little radio he kept on the shelf above his bed. It flew across the room, clattered to the floor and buzzed loudly, the antenna knocked out of position. All the DJs talked about, peppering in a song or two here and there, was the towers. The fucking towers. It wouldn't have happened if those dolts at the airport had been watching! If the people on the planes that got hijacked had done something! Poured hot coffee on the bastards, threw a shoe at 'em and tackled them! Something. Anything!

But they hadn't and here he was, a first-responder on medical leave, sidelined for an interminable amount of time. Unable to help. Unable to do anything but sit back and breath in the settling dust along with everyone else.

Raph kicked the radio and when the buzzing didn't stop, he half screamed out of frustration, stomping it until there was no way possible it could ever be put back together. He stalked away from it, back to the refrigerator where his twelve-pack of beer waited, the one thing that made any sense to him right then.

The beer was cold. As it was supposed to be.


	4. The Waiting

**Chapter Four: The Waiting**

* * *

The next few weeks passed much the same as the first day Raphael had been home. Angel insisted that he take his full reserve of medical leave: a mind-numbing six weeks. What she expected him to do with himself for a month and a half, he didn't know.

Xever came and chopped the dead, burned ends from his hair. After fruitlessly attempting to style Raph's length into a presentable cut, he'd given up and suggested his friend start fresh.

"Do you have any idea how long it took me to grow this!?" Raph snapped with irritation.

Xever had narrowed his eyes. "Yes, I do," he'd answered, but he didn't argue as he usually would have. Instead, he just shampooed and conditioned Raphael's fluffy black mane and braided what was left into shoulder length cornrows.

"There," he'd said, patting Raph's shoulder. "Until you decide what to do with it."

The rest of his company teased him a bit about the braids at Traximus's wake, having never seen his hair in style other than loose or compacted into the tight bun he stuffed into his helmet.

"Watch out; here comes Snoop Dogg," they'd snickered and Raph flipped them off, though he smiled and laughed along with them.

No one laughed when it was time to bury Traximus. The company stood in silence, dressed in black slacks and dresses. Alopex, Angel's wife, had come along to show her respect and support. She stood next to the captain, brushing a thumb lovingly over Angel's scarred knuckles, graciously saying nothing as the tears began to stream silently down Angel's pale cheeks.

Raph skipped out on the reception, having already given his sympathies to Belinda. He couldn't listen to anyone else talk about the towers. They'd all be going back into action, but not Raph. Raph was going home. It was a bitter point and Raph chose to leave rather than lose his temper and snap at anyone. Trax understood, he was sure.

The funeral was one of the few things to punctuate the monotony of Raph's medical leave. Most nights he ate dinner with his ma and Casey, but otherwise he simply puttered around his apartment, drinking and getting stoned. Pot had never been a big part of Raph's life, but he'd smoked a lot in the last two weeks. Before bed, he'd pack the flimsy bowl of his aluminum foil pipe and fire up.

Drinking was nothing new, but Raph had never partaken in such frequent blind drunkenness. If he drank enough, he'd fall into a death sleep, deep and uninterrupted. No horrific memories of people falling from buildings, bouncing off the crumbling sides as they chose plummeting to certain death over being burned alive. No nightmare visions of deformed bodies with melting skin lifting their crippled hands out to him and begging in smoke choked voices "Help us, Raph. Save us."

He'd rather drink himself into a liver transplant than deal with that every night. Sometimes, he drank so much that he fell asleep early in the afternoon, well before the sun had begun to set. He'd pass out on the couch or bed or the floor and sleep through dinner. When Raph had missed dinner with his ma for the third day in a row, Casey came knocking.

"Bro," Casey said, wrinkling his nose. "Ya gotta get outta this apartment. It stinks and you stink. When was the last time ya took a shower?"

"Piss off, bonehead," Raph grumbled, but he moved aside to let Casey in.

His older brother looked around and clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Ma'd have a heart attack if she saw this."

It wasn't that bad, Raph thought. Sure, there were dishes in the sink and he hadn't done laundry in two weeks. Maybe he hadn't picked up the empty beer bottles or righted the chair when he'd drunkenly stumbled into it a few nights ago, but it was alright. Raph couldn't even smell the beer that he'd spilled on the carpet anymore.

"Good thing she ain't here then."

"Yeah, good thing." Casey regarded Raphael, his deep-set cobalt eyes serious. "Raph, you okay?"

How was he supposed to answer that? Raph couldn't tell Casey how he'd spent the last two weeks drinking and beating the shit out of his belongings with directionless fury.

Raph kicked an empty beer bottle absently. "I dunno, Case. It's just … all such bullshit."

"No kiddin'," his brother responded, sitting on the arm of the upset chair. "Why doncha come get a drink with me somewhere other than this craphole you call an apartment?"

"Fuck you," Raph answered automatically, but he nodded anyway. Going out with Casey sounded like a good distraction, an alright way to pass another night on the bench.

While Casey waited, Raph showered. He wasn't exactly caked in layers of filth, but his skin was a whole new color when he finished washing. He was sure he smelled better. As an added courtesy, he even put on clean clothes before reemerging and following Casey to the El Camino.

They didn't talk as they drove to a nearby bar, Dusty's. They'd been going there since Raph had gotten his first fake ID. It was dark and dingy and the crowd was rough, just like they liked it. A fight could be counted on most nights. Even Casey and Raph had traded blows in Dusty's. The fact that the drinks were cheap and strong probably aided in that. The owner was an older woman named, unsurprisingly, Dusty. She tended the bar in a leather bustier and jeans, but sometimes she stalked the building perimeter or threw out belligerent drunks who broke her property. She didn't fight the bar's reputation and she almost never called the police, but you could bet Dusty would kick you out on your ass if you broke one of her tables. Tables didn't grow on trees.

"You wanna talk?" Casey asked as he took two bottles of beer from Dusty, one for himself and one for Raphael.

"Nope," Raph responded. He nodded at Dusty and she nodded back. Raph liked her, even though they'd exchanged maybe fifteen words in all the years he'd known the woman.

"C'mon, Raph," Casey persisted, sliding into one of the tables near the pool table.

"C'mon nothin', Casey," Raph snapped, slamming his beer down. "I don't wanna fuckin' talk about this with you, a'ight, so stop askin'!"

Casey's opened his mouth to yell back at his brother, maybe insult or cuss at him, shove him and beat it out of him, but his mother's words floated back to him.

"Give him space, Arnold," she'd said when Casey had brought up his concerns about Raph a few days ago. "You know how your brother is. He's gone through a traumatic event. You've gotta let him talk to us in his own time, sweetie."

"What if he don't?" Casey had demanded and his ma had shrugged her shoulders.

"Then he don't, Arnold. You leave him be."

"Alright, fine,' Casey grumbled at Raph, taking a plug off his beer. "Excuse me for carin', jesus."

Raph scowled. Stupid, nosey Casey. Why couldn't they just drink and enjoy each other's company? Why did they have to talk about their feelings? Talking about his feelings was one of Raph's least favorite things to do; they were all awkward and jumbled up and when he tried to talk about them he just sounded like an idiot. No, thanks.

Silence stretched between the brothers, interrupted by the occasional clink of a bottle or shuffle of feet. A couple of men played pool off behind Casey's shoulder. The smaller one was cheating, Raph was pretty sure, moving the balls just slightly when his opponent's head was turned. Raph didn't say anything; it wasn't his problem.

Minutes stretched into an hour. An hour stretched into two and two into four until neither brother was sober enough to be the designated driver.

"Casey, you idiot," Raph complained as they stumbled out of the bar into the crisp, early morning air. Their arms were thrown around each other's shoulders for shaky support. "Why'd you drink so much, huh?"

"You drank," Casey retorted, his head lolling away from Raph, then back to thud on his shoulder. "Ya big fuckin' drunk."

They'd have to take a taxi and come back for Casey's car later in the day. It was always Raph who had to be the responsible one when it came to Casey; his brother was the only person he knew who was more of a mess than Raphael himself.

Digging his phone out of his pocket, Raph flipped it open to call a cab. On the screen was a pixelated envelope and the text "1 New Message". Who was texting him in the middle of the night? Or maybe they'd texted him earlier but Raph had been too drunk to notice.

'Hello, this is Leonardo Hamato. You gave me your number at the hospital,' the message read. 'I just wanted to check in and see how you were faring. Perhaps you'd like to meet for coffee sometime this week? Please let me know if that would be acceptable.'

Raph rolled his eyes toward the sky and called the taxi company. He'd reply to the prudish text in the morning. Leonardo Hamato was probably in bed already anyway, dressed in a pajama set buttoned up to his chin and a matching sleeping cap. Right now, he needed to get Casey home before he puked on anything.

"Alright, here we go," Raph said, cramming Casey into the taxi when it pulled up to the curb. He climbed in beside him and gave the driver Casey's address. After he'd dumped his brother on the couch and locked the door behind himself, Raph took the cab home.

As he wobbled through the living room, he supposed that Casey had a point. The place was a pigsty, filled with the mess and odors of two weeks' worth of binge drinking. Yawning, Raph flopped onto his couch, letting his arm hang off the side against the barrage of beer bottles spilling out from under the sofa. He'd clean it up in the morning. Right now, he was going to sleep.

It was early afternoon when Raph woke. Groggily, he rolled off the couch and dragged himself to the bathroom so that he could wash the sandpaper taste out of his mouth and the crud from his red-rimmed eyes. Squinting blearily into the mirror, Raph grimaced; he looked as bad as he felt. The night with Casey had been welcome, but the hangover pounding like a drumline between his temples was not.

At least he didn't have to go to work. There wasn't anything he particularly had to do. Even cleaning his apartment was optional, but he decided that he should do something about the mess before things started to grow in the filth. He put a load of dishes into the dishwasher and threw away all the beer bottles before getting in the shower.

Raph turned the water on as hot as he could stand. It beat down against his skin, massaging the soreness in his head and neck. Steam fogged up his mirror but unclogged his face, opening his nostrils and ears and pores so that he felt fresher and more alert when he shut off the water and grabbed a well-worn towel from the rack.

As Raph strode from the bathroom back to the living room, he snatched his phone off the coffee table and scrolled through his messages. One from Angel, two from his ma, one from Casey asking where his car was, and one from a number he didn't have saved. Raph opened the message and read it, chuckling at Leonardo's text. What a priss. Had he replied? Raph checked his sent messages; no, he hadn't.

'Rure,' Raph typed, forgetting to click the 7 button four times to make an s. He deleted the message with a guttural grunt and retried.

'Sure. U free at 2?'

By the time Raph had buttoned his jeans and put on a clean shirt, Leo had responded.

'Yes, that would be perfectly fine. Could you meet at the Hungry Ghost? The address is 183 Sterling.'

Rolling his eyes at the formality, Raph responded with a casual 'ok' and shoved his phone into his pants pocket. It was past 1 already, so he might as well just ride over there. It wasn't far away, so maybe he'd stop and shove some food in his face before going to the coffee shop.

As it turned out, though, it wasn't necessary. The Hungry Ghost was in a strip of other small businesses. It had a black lacquered storefront and bright white letters proclaimed the coffee shop's name. Coffee shop and café. Well, damn. He should have just come here and had a panini rather than the pit stop he'd made at McDonald's. Fast food wasn't his favorite. It made him feel gross and bloated. Raph was usually strict about what he ate, but lately he was too tired and hungover to be that particular.

"Raphael."

Raph's head turned at the call of his name. In the back-corner booth, next to the big bay window, sat Leonardo. A small mug of either weak ass watery coffee or tea steamed in front of him. Checking his phone, Raph saw that it was only 1:30. Seemed like he wasn't the only one who'd gotten there early.

"Yo," Raph said in greeting, sliding into the black vinyl booth across from Leo. The policeman looked better than he had in the hospital. A bit of color had returned to his skin; at least Raph couldn't see the veins so much anymore. He was cleaner, too, and his hair was recently cut, no longer carefully shaped as it had been at ground zero nor loose and unkempt like it had been in the hospital. Short hair wasn't really a thing Raph went for, but the cut looked right on Leo. Raph smirked to himself; Leonardo was too proper for something as unconventional as long hair.

No longer wearing his dress shirt or hospital gown, Leonardo sported a short sleeve button-down shirt in powder blue tucked in light khaki pants. The stump of his arm was still wrapped in gauze, but it wasn't bloody anymore. He knew he shouldn't stare, but it was hard not to. For some reason, the stump had begun to fall in on itself like a bad soufflé.

"Donatello," Leo said, noticing Raph's eyes on his lack of an arm, "said it has to heal before he can shape it for the prosthetic. Without the rest of the arm, it flattens. It's part of the healing process, I suppose." Leonardo smiled as well, just the slight upturn of the corners of his lips. "Any other questions?"

"Nope," Raph responded, leaning back against the bench and crossing his arms over his chest. If Leo was trying to embarrass him, it wasn't going to happen.

"Alright." Leo took a drink of his tea. "Uh, thanks for meeting with me. I hope you don't think it's strange. I just wanted … uh, to talk."

Raph arched an eyebrow. "Whatchu wanna talk about?"

Leo was quiet so long, Raph didn't think he was going to answer. Once or twice, Raph opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't have anything to add to the silence. He could tell Leo about the great injustice of Angel forcing him onto leave, but Raph wasn't in the habit of sharing the personal details of his life with strangers. That was asking for trouble and no one cared anyway. He'd learned at a young age that people didn't care about each other, not really, not in some cosmic sense of moral –

"I've been having nightmares," Leo said, catching Raph off guard and interrupting his train of thought. "about that day. I … don't know how to talk to about it." Leo fidgeted with his mug, rolling it between his palms. "I don't want to see a therapist or bother my family. I thought that maybe ...?"

He let the question hang unasked in the air. Raph considered saying no, just getting up and walking out right there. Leo didn't want to bother his family, but he'd bother Raph? Raph felt he should be insulted, but, maybe, Leo thought Raph needed someone to talk to about what they'd experienced as much as he did. If Raph was honest with himself, he thought Leo might be right.

"Nightmares, huh?"

"Yes," Leo said, not raising his eyes from his fiddling hands. Nightmares wasn't a completely accurate description. Every time Leo closed his eyes, he saw the carnage of that day. He saw suffering and loss, both his own and that of others.

He'd awoken early that Tuesday, just like he did every day. Even weekends were not exempt from Leonardo's daily routine of morning meditation, yoga, and running. On work days, Leo rose even earlier to get his 10-mile jog (5 miles away, 5 miles back) in with enough time to grab a shower, eat breakfast, and roll into the station at precisely 7 am.

Karai was usually there already when Leo arrived, sucking down cups of milky sweet coffee and making the walls sweat with her piercing amber scowl. She'd follow him into his office under the pretext of discussing the day's agenda. Leo supposed it wasn't a pretext because it was an important duty they shared as captain and deputy inspector, but Karai always leaned a little too close, spoke a little too casually for Leo's comfort. It was always welcome when the other officers filtered in between 8 and 9.

He was there, in his office with Karai, when the first plane hit. Outside of his shuttered windows, men and women stared with mouths agape. Even he and Karai shared a brief, startled glance before bulleting out of the door to direct their officers.

They were on the scene by 9:15, having abandoned the car on a side road and run the rest of the way rather than fight through the standstill traffic. Many of the drivers had simply stopped in the road and stood staring at the billowing inferno against the New York skyline with horror. He understood how they felt, but he didn't have the luxury of staring. Karai radioed for dispatch to work on traffic control, to get these people out of the way because all of first-responders in the boroughs were pouring into Manhattan.

Once they were at the towers, they quickly lost one another in the chaos and Leo did not see her again until she came into his hospital room. He'd stayed in the hospital for two weeks after Raph had been released with Don guarding him like a dragon does his hoard. Finally, Don had relented and allowed Leo to go home and heal, though he had to return in six more weeks to be fitted for his new arm. Though Don had surely experienced his share of horror that day and in the weeks that followed, he never talked about it. Leo would ask if Don was alright and his brother would look up from his coffee with a distracted "huh?" then brush off Leo's concern.

"I'm fine, Leo. Hand me those pliers, would you?"

Don didn't seem any more bothered than his usual fidgety self, so maybe he was fine. Maybe he wasn't experiencing the same kind of nightmares that woke Leo in a cold sweat every night. His arm being torn from his body or engulfed in flames or swallowed down by a fiery demon while Leo tried to claw his way to safety up the crumbling towers.

The dreams made him feel petty and selfish and so he mostly kept them to himself. When he'd told Usagi, the man had frowned and gripped Leo's shoulder, giving him the sort of silent support that had always been enough before. Now, it just made Leo feel empty and alone, standing in front of an abyss that had taken something important from him but that no one else could see. At least you are alive, the world seemed to say, and that should have been enough. The shame stilled Leo's tongue more than anything and he was almost relieved when his dreams began to shift and fill with the faces of those he'd carried from the wreckage, those he had saved or tried to save.

He'd lay them out on never ending rows of stretchers, hundreds of people who crumbled into ash no matter how gently he sat them down. "I'm sorry," he'd cry as his arms burned to glowing cinders then blew away like dust.

As Leo shared his private nightmares, Raphael leaned forward on his hands, listening intently. There was no judgement on his face and he gave the slightest nod of understanding as if he, too, had had dreams like that.

"I didn't lose nothin'," he said, gesturing candidly at Leo's stumped arm, "but yeah, I think I know how ya feel."

Relief flooded Leo and he relaxed. This was why he'd wanted to meet with Raph; he'd suspected Raph would understand his experiences.

"How are you handling it?" Leo asked.

"Mostly drinkin'," Raph replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Smokin' pot sometimes."

"That's illegal, you know."

Raph laughed. "You gonna arrest me?"

"No," Leo said, sipping his tea. "I'm off duty."

"Haha," Raph said sarcastically. "Why'd you become a cop, anyway? To bust potheads?"

"No, not to bust potheads," Leo answered, having not caught Raph's sarcasm. His slight smile fell away, leaving only a serious expression. "It was because of my mother. When I was twelve and Don was eleven, our mother was killed by a Purple Dragon. They're a street gang, located mostly in-"

"I know who they are," Raph answered with a hard, clipped tone, his face morphing in anger. "They murdered my brother's dad."

Leo stared, but then he remembered Raphael's white family. Obviously adopted. That stringy haired man, Raph must have meant. His father had been killed by the Purple Dragons, just like Leo's mom.

"After that," Leo continued, nodding, "I decided that I wanted to go into law enforcement. It was childish idealism, thinking I could save the world, but I don't regret my decision. My mom used to tell me a story about starfish, and that's how I feel about my policework."

"Starfish?"

Leo nodded. "A woman is walking along the beach. She sees that many starfish have become stranded upon the shore. There are thousands of them. The woman begins to pick them up and, one by one, she throws them back into the ocean. As she does, a man comes up to her and says 'Hey, why are you wasting your time? There are too many to save; you can't make a difference.' The woman bends down and picks up another starfish, then throws it into the ocean. She says 'It made a difference to that one.'"

It took Raph a minute to understand the point of the parable, but when he did, he nodded. "Your mom sounds like she was a cool lady."

Leo nodded solemnly. "She was."

A moment of respectful silence passed before Leo asked about Raph's own reasons for becoming a firefighter.

"I just like fire," he said, laughing. "I ain't got some big story. I like danger and the thrill of it and helpin' people. Just seemed like a thing to do."

"That's as good a reason as any," Leo responded and Raph nodded.

"Damn right it is. Lemme tell ya, when I was 7, I set my ma's rug on fire. Boy was she pissed. She whooped my ass so hard I didn't sit for a week!"

Raph laughed uproariously and even Leo smiled, laughing along, imagining Raphael as a young troublemaker, setting fires and getting whooped for it.

If Leo believed in reincarnation, he might have thought that he'd known Raph in a previous life. There was no other explanation for how easily the conversation flowed once it got started and, before Leo had realized it, his stomach was rumbling for want of dinner.

Leo glanced at his watch; it was nearly 6 pm. He'd been talking with Raphael for four hours.

"See you found that watch," Raph said, nodding towards Leo's arm.

Leo chuckled. "So I did. Listen, I've got to get going."

Raph nodded, pulling himself out of the booth and stretching his arms above his head. His shirt came up a fraction, exposing his navel and the hard lines of his stomach. Leo politely looked away.

"I really enjoyed speaking with you," Leo said nervously, eyes aimed at the tiled floor. "Perhaps, uh, you'd like to do it again sometime?"

Raph rolled his eyes for the twentieth time. When they'd got to talking, Leo had been so cool and confident. Now he was trying too hard again and acting like a doofus. It would be almost cute if it weren't so pathetic.

"Yeah," Raph answered, leaving the insults unsaid. "Sure, why not?"


	5. The Policeman

**Chapter Five: The Policeman**

* * *

"I thought you was getting' a new arm soon," Raph said as he slurped down a watery smoothie colored somewhere between beige and green. Across from him, Leonardo shrugged. The sleeve of his button-down shirt, the same dorky business casual style he always wore, was rolled and pinned, blocking the end of his stump from view.

Though he hadn't known Raph long, Leo appreciated his candor more than anything else. Mothers averted their eyes from him in supermarkets, instructed their children to look away. Those who dared to look at him alternated between pitying glances or veiled repulsion, but not Raph. The stump was just another part of Leo to Raph, it seemed. Raph wasn't afraid to look at it. Raph wasn't afraid to talk about it.

"Soon," he agreed. "I have an appointment with Don next week for the initial fitting."

Raph nodded and took a gulp of his smoothie. Early afternoon light shone through the windows, highlighting the flecks of gray peppered Leo's dark hair. It would be strange to see Leo with a robot arm; he'd gotten used to the one-armed man, but he guessed he'd get used to two-armed Leo without much trouble.

"You, uh, got someone to go with ya?"

Leo paused briefly before responding, wondering if there was an offer hidden within Raph's question.

"Yes," he answered. "Usagi will be there."

"Cool."

Tense silence hung between them. It had happened before. Leo learned that it meant Raph wanted to say something but wasn't. Instead, he was turning the ideas over slowly in his head, trying to form them into coherent words and phrases that he could share. It sometimes took a long while for Raph to translate the roiling incomprehension of his emotions into neat, orderly sentences. Leo waited with patient attentiveness, sipping from his steaming cup of tea.

Raph didn't say anything and the tension eased with a shrug of his broad shoulders. Reaching across the table, he picked idly at Leo's salad, eating the small halves of cherry tomato littered around the edges of the shallow plate. He then dumped out the sugar packets and racked over the plastic creamer containers and began to stack them into a tower, as though he was a child, a petulant frown set on his full lips.

"Are you bored?" Leo asked, embarrassment burning in his chest. He hoped that he was not the cause of Raph's malcontent.

"It's this fuckin' medical leave," Raph growled, flicking his tower with a finger. Down came the sugar packets and cream, a minuscule city destroyed by Raphael's annoyance.

"I'm tired of sittin' on my goddamn ass," he continued, knowing full well that he sounded like a pathetic whiner. He couldn't summon the energy to give a damn.

"It's only six weeks, right? You're almost done."

"I guess," Raph grumbled, then sighed. "Yeah. No, you're right. I gotta pull my shit together."

In another two weeks, he'd be back on duty and there was still plenty to do. It would be months until the wreckage was cleared from ground zero. Anyone who could be spared was sent into Manhattan to help with clean-up. Every day, new bodies were uncovered, civilian and non-civilian. Leo had lost people too; they'd talked about it during the last four weeks. Unlike Raph, however, Leo still had a long time before he saw any action. He'd return to duty after his new arm was fitted, but he'd be behind a desk for the discernible future. Raph supposed he didn't have a right to bitch.

"Your brother is makin' you a special arm, right?" Raph asked, leaning back into the booth, then back across the table on his elbows.

"Yes," Leo answered. "He's very talented."

Raph waited for Leo to say more and when he didn't, Raph shrugged. "Can't wait to see it. You're gonna be like the Terminator."

A flush crept up Leo's neck and into his face. A deep frown pulled his lips tight and thin. He hoped not. He really, really hoped not.

"How does that feel?" Don asked for the twentieth time as he flitted around Leo like a moth frantically circling a candle's flame.

Leo flexed his fingers. It was remarkably easy to do; it felt just the same as it had with his natural arm, even if it didn't look the same. Just as he'd suspected, Don had created a cybernetic monstrosity. Bolts and screws stood stark silver against the palely painted surface. Even with the skin toned paint, trails of blue light ran up and down the length of the arm like faint, neon veins. A dull hum emanated from it, like a television someone had left on in another room. It hitched up an octave whenever Leo moved the arm. It was loud enough for Leo to hear but not enough to be a nuisance to others, not loud enough that they would notice much unless they were very close to him. Leo rolled his wrist experimentally and the arm screamed in barely audible protest.

"Is it always going to make that noise?" Leo asked with a frown.

"Hm? Oh, no. I can fix that." Don made some notations on his pad then picked up a squishy red stress ball from his desk. "Here, hold this."

Leo reached out and took the ball, squeezing it. Or rather, he tried to. He managed to get his fingers around the ball, but it slid away from him, slipping through his grasp despite Leo's best efforts to hold onto it. He looked up, distress etched onto his face, wordlessly pleading with his brother to do something.

"Gotta work on the grip," Don mumbled to himself, turning away from Leo. Navigating around the table, he plopped down at his desk and began to type. Leo's appointment was in Don's home office, the mad scientist's laboratory that Don had built for himself in spare time and stolen equipment. As a policeman, he knew he really should do something about it but the big brother in him won out over the law enforcement officer every time.

"Is it comfortable?" Don asked without looking up.

"Yes," Leo responded, lifting his arm and turning it, curling it up and down. It was light enough to be unobtrusive, but substantial enough to mimic his natural arm's weight. A perfect balance. "I can hardly feel it. It's good work, Donnie."

Don took the compliment without comment. He began to rifle through the blueprints on his desk. "Must be the nerve connectors," he muttered, flipping through the papers as his eyes scanned them mechanically. "Maybe the radial … no, that's perfect…"

"Don?"

"The nervus medianus ... or maybe I didn't … the brachial plexus…" How Don could absorb anything at the speed he tore through papers, blueprints, and printouts, Leo didn't understand. His little brother's whispers became more muddled and he continued until Leo couldn't tell what he was saying at all, but it didn't matter. Don was talking to the only person who could ever really follow him in a conversation: himself.

"Donnie, when was the last time you slept?"

Leo had seen this before, noticed the ticks of Don's mouth and his twitching eyelids, the bags under his eyes, even as he tore through his papers with manic energy. It was the stimulants, the coffee and energy drinks and caffeine pills and he hoped nothing worse, keeping Don running like a machine.

When Don didn't answer, Leo got up from the table. Crossing the room, he touched Don's shoulder with his natural arm and squeezed, forcing his brother to pause, forcing him to look at Leo.

"Don, it's fine. This is good. You need to rest, okay? You can figure out the grip thing later."

"Later?" Don responded, shaking his head. Rest was not something Don needed, no, not when he had a project to work on, and there was no project as important as Leo's new arm.

"You don't think you'll need to, I don't know, pick anything up? No, I have to fix this. I just need to figure out which connectors are faulty. Or maybe the solder came apart inside, I'll have to look…"

"Don. Stop."

Clapping both hands on Don's shoulders, Leo turned Don to face him. "Take a breather. Seriously."

Don sighed. "Okay, fine. Just let me take the arm off and then-"

"Nice try," Leo said, smiling. "If I let you take this off, you're going to tinker with it until you fix it. I'm holding it hostage until you take a nap and eat a real meal."

Don narrowed his eyes. "That's low, Leo."

"I can live with that."

Seeing that his older brother was dead serious, Don threw his hands up in defeat. "Alright, alright. You win. I'll sleep and eat, but I want you back here tomorrow."

"Yes, doctor," Leo agreed with a polite tone, but they both knew that it wouldn't happen. Once Don fell asleep after a science binge, he was out for days.

"Ugh," Don grunted with disgust. "Fine, you asshole. At least take notes for me and let me know what other adjustments I need to make. And be careful with it! It's a delicate piece of machinery."

Leo wasn't sure what Don expected him to do with the arm that might break it. Power lifting wasn't on his agenda, but he agreed anyway. If it would ease Don's mind and help him sleep, Leo would have said whatever was necessary. Equipped with one of Don's small moleskin notebooks, Leo left with the promise to record everything while his brother took some well needed rest.

Dark autumn storm clouds coated the sky, turning it steel gray as Leo trekked from Don's small house towards the subway. It was Wednesday and he was to meet Raphael at The Hungry Ghost for a late lunch, like they had every Wednesday for the last four weeks. A swoop of anticipation lunged inside of him as he descended the stairs to into the bowels of the city, where trains rattled through crisscrossing tunnels like huge, metallic worms.

Raphael was already waiting when Leo arrived, one of those disgusting wheatgrass shakes in front of him. With a flush of pleasure, Leo saw that Raph had him ordered tea. The small, steaming mug sat across from Raph, filling the space until Leo could arrive.

"Sorry," Leo said, a little breathless as he slid into the booth. "Appointment ran late."

"No shit," Raph said, though Leo really wasn't very late. It was more a phrase of appraisal as his golden eyes scanned Leo, fixating on the new arm and examining it. Leo wondered if Raph could hear the hum.

"Pretty fuckin' cool," Raph said at last, nodding with approval. "Yer a bonafide cyborg."

"Yeah," Leo responded, his ego inflated by Raph's praise as he lifted his tea to take a drink. "I guess I am."

The illusion of coolness came crashing down when the mug wobbled in Leo's prosthetic hand and fell, hitting him in the chest and rolling down his stomach, spilling scalding tea in a waterfall down Leo's torso.

"Fuck!" He shouted, jumping up from his chair and venting his shirt, fanning it against himself to keep the tea from scorching his skin.

To his credit, Raph didn't laugh, but he couldn't keep himself from smiling. "Still workin' out the kinks?"

"Shut up," Leo grumbled, brushing ineffectually at his shirt. "I have to go home and change."

"My place is closer," Raph said, standing up, smirk firmly affixed to his lips. "Why doncha come have a drink with me? A real one."

Pausing his efforts to save his shirt, Leo considered Raph's offer. In the month since their friendship had budded, neither had invited the other to their home. Every meeting they'd had had taken place here, at the café.

"Okay," Leo said, shrugging as he threw the napkins he'd been trying to dry himself with onto the tabletop. "What's the address? I took the subway, so-"

"Nah," Raph responded, his grin widening. "C'mon, man. You can ride with me."

In all his years, Leo had never ridden a motorcycle before. In retrospect, this was likely not the best day to do it. The entire way to Raph's apartment, Leo had gripped him like an old lady clutching winning lottery tickets, trying not to be sick or to fall off. The half-hearted fear that his arm would somehow be torn from his body or his fragile fingers would break from his death grip on Raph's torso throbbed in the back of his mind the whole way. Either indifferent to Leo's discomfort or elated by it, Raph took corners like he was in a street race. The only good thing to come from Raph's reckless driving was the time saved; it took a mere seven minutes to get to his small, squat building. Leo, relieved, could not clamber off the devil's contraption fast enough.

"Jesus!" Leo exclaimed, fixing Raph with a hot glare. "How do you still have a license?"

"I don't get caught," Raph replied, a dead ringer for James Dean's black doppelganger. Calm, cool, rebellious smile. Smart leather jacket. Tight pants. Devil-may-care attitude. Leo glared harder.

Raph turned without beckoning for Leo to follow and let himself into the building. There was a short, narrow hallway leading to the back corner apartment and Leo followed at a distance, peering over Raph's shoulder as he turned the key and opened the door.

The apartment was comfortable and tidy with a lingering smell of marijuana and booze. A couple of trash bags, filled with beer bottles and cans then tied up, were lined against the wall in the kitchen. Not exactly a Martha Stewart home, but the couch looked clean.

"Take your shirt off," Raph said.

"Huh?"

"Take. Your. Shirt. Off," he repeated, enunciating the words and gesturing at Leo's tea-stained top.

"Oh. Right." With nervous, uncoordinated fingers, Leo began to undo the buttons of his shirt. It was harder than usual due to the clumsiness of his robotic hand but he managed, with a small amount of muttering and cursing.

Raph had disappeared into the bedroom but returned a moment later with a faded tee shirt that had once been black. It was ashy gray now and Leo caught it in his good hand when Raph tossed it across the room. Pulling it over his head, Leo looked down. The words 'I'm Not Mexican" were emblazoned in dull white text across the front. Leo lifted his head to meet Raph's eyes, quirking a brow questioningly at him.

"Belonged to an ex," Raph said, flopping down onto the couch. Reaching under, he extracted a wooden box from the inside and flipped it open, revealing buds of marijuana and a crude pipe made of tinfoil.

"He was from Peru, but since he had that Spanish-y accent, everyone always assumed he was Mexican. It pissed him off. I got that for him as a gag gift a couple of Christmases ago. He thought it was hilarious."

"He?"

"Yeah," Raph responded, packing the pipe and lighting up. "Got a problem with it?"

"No," Leo answered honestly, sitting beside Raph on the couch. "Just surprised. I never would have suspected that you were gay."

"Yeah?" Raph took a drag and offered the pipe to Leo, who politely refused. "Why's that?"

"You're so masculine," Leo said, only realizing how ignorant he sounded when Raph gave a sharp, derisive bark of laughter.

"You got a lot to learn about fags," Raph mumbled around his pipe. "We come in all shapes and sizes nowadays. You want a drink?"

"Please."

Raph stood up slowly and ambled to the kitchen, returning not with a beer but a bottle of whiskey and two tumblers. He sat them on the coffee table and unscrewed the bottle cap, pouring generous portions of the luminescent amber liquid into each glass. The fuller one was given to Leo.

He sniffed the drink inquisitively before taking a sip. It burned in the pleasant way of expensive alcohol. Leo suddenly understood where Raph's income was going, because it certainly wasn't being spent on home furnishings. Marijuana. Alcohol. Things to dull the memories and then make them dissolve. Leo couldn't blame him, even if he didn't approve of Raphael's chosen coping methods.

"So, what happened?"

"Huh?"

"To your ex. Where is he?"

"Oh, Chame?" Raph answered, relaxing back into the well-worn cushions that knew his shape. "He got deported."

"That's awful!"

"Yeah," Raph agreed. "But I ain't worried. Chame's a smart guy and a fuckin' criminal. He's fine, wherever he is."

How callous it must have sounded describing his ex like that, but there was no use crying over deported Peruvians. Had he loved Chame? Yes. Was he upset when Chame was deported? Of course. But there wasn't anything he could do about it, no way to bring him back, so Raph tried his best not to think about. Besides, that had been years ago and Chame had long since gotten into contact with Raph to let him know that he was back in South America and doing just fine.

"What 'bout you? You got any exes?"

"Yes," Leo answered, sipping his whiskey. "You remember my friend Usagi? We slept together."

"Huh," Raph said, a slow smile creeping over his face. "So you're a fag after all."

"No," Leo contested, shaking his head. "And stop saying that word. It's disrespectful."

"Fag, fag, fag," Raph sang, laughing as Leo's face creased into another one of his deep frowns.

"I'm not gay," Leo insisted. "I like women too."

"Hey, you ain't gotta prove nothin' to me. I ain't the fag police," Raph said, shrugging his shoulders and smiling widely. Before the last hour, he hadn't seen Leo ruffled and he found the experience hilarious and gratifying.

He offered the pot to Leo again. "Sure you don't want any?"

"No thank you."

"Suit yourself."

Leo drank his whiskey sullenly. Why did Raph have to be like that? What was he trying to prove, throwing himself and that offensive word around? Even when he was younger and sleeping with Usagi, Leo had never referred to himself as a fag and he never would. Besides, that had been a long time ago. He and Usagi had broken up years ago. Usagi was married now and had a son. Those days were behind him.

The alcohol pooled warmly in his stomach and Raph, being a gracious host, refilled Leo's cup when it was low. Leo nodded his thanks and watched Raph. The man lounged into the couch cushions, whiskey in one hand and pipe in the other, enjoying both with long, full swallows and half-lidded eyes. He looked relaxed; Leo envied that. Relaxation had always been a difficult state for him to achieve.

Time ticked on, passing primarily in companionable silence as Leo got drunker and Raph got both drunker and higher. It was easier to watch Raph the drunker he became, because somehow Leo convinced himself that he was looking at Raphael sneakily enough that Raph wouldn't notice.

"See somethin' y'like?" Raph teased with a soft purr, smiling dopily at Leonardo.

The truth was yes, Leo did. He'd thought Raphael was attractive from the moment he'd seen him in the hospital, even with the burned hair. It'd helped that when Raph had gotten up to take a piss, Leo had been treated to a full view of his rounded, muscular backside.

It wasn't just Raph's ass that Leo liked. It was his expressive eyes and face, the way that Leo could plainly see what he was feeling, most of the time, even if he didn't quite understand the hows and whys of Raph's emotional complexity. His take-it-or-leave-it demeanor, yielding without compromising his integrity, a skill that Leo had never mastered.

In the end, he supposed it was always the same. What Leo was attracted to in Raphael was what he, himself, lacked. Emotional expression, coolness, and a bubble butt he could bounce a quarter off of.

Closing the distance between them, Leo pressed his lips to Raphael's in a sloppy, drunken kiss, taking full advantage of Raph's surprised gasp. Gripping the tails of Raph's cornrows with his good hand, Leo wrenched Raph's head back, deepening the kiss. Leo could taste the whiskey and sweet bud in Raphael's mouth, a heady mixture of hedonism just as intoxicating as the many cups of alcohol Leo had poured down his nervous throat.

Raph wasn't caught off guard for long and he wrapped a strong arm around Leo's waist, pulling the smaller man onto his lap. Bold move, but he was drunk and happy and didn't care. Spreading his thighs wide, Leo straddled Raph, kissing and touching him hungrily, his face, his lips, his throat. His hand trailed downwards, caressing Raph's stomach. Reaching between them, Leo cupped Raph's crotch, groaning at the heft of it against his palm.

It had been a long time since he'd touched a cock. Not since …

The haze in Leo's mind began to clear as suddenly as a summer storm and he stumbled backwards off Raph's lap, cheeks flushing bright red with shame and embarrassment at his hasty sexual advance.

"Sorry," he mumbled, shaking his head and turning towards the door.

"Hey," Raph called, breathlessly, clambering to his feet. "What's the matter?"

"I … feel sick," Leo lied, taking a step back as Raph stepped forward. "I need … go home."

"What?" Raph said, confused as he stared at Leo, who showed no signs of backing down or changing his mind, no signs of getting back onto Raph's lap.

Raph scowled. This closeted motherfucker.

"Fine," Raph snapped angrily, "I'll call you a cab. Gimme a second."

"No," Leo ambled towards the door with disjointed, faltering steps as Raph whipped out his cell to call the taxi company. He took a few moments to collect himself in the hallway, to steady his breathing and clear his head as much as possible. That wasn't very much; he still felt like he was on a ship losing the battle against the ocean, rocking and sinking.

Leo stumbled out the complex door, squinting against the fluorescent glow of street lamps. A taxi waited in front of Raph's apartment building, the driver reading the day's paper and chomping on a cigar impatiently. Swallowing, Leo straightened his spine and strode towards the yellow checkered car, trying to make his alcohol addled limbs obey him as he picked steps over sidewalk cracks and gnarled tree roots. It seemed like they'd grown in the span of the last hour, specifically to get in Leo's way.

Halfway down the walk, he fell. Fully expecting the concrete to rearrange his face, Leo was surprised when it didn't. He'd stopped midway to the ground, floating like magic above the cement and weeds and jagged cracks.

"A'right, man, c'mon." A husky voice, rich and smooth like expensive bourbon, murmured warmly into Leo's ear. It wasn't magic. It was Raphael. Despite Leo's protests, he'd followed him out the door. Raph hooked an arm around Leo's waist and helped him to the cab.

"Yer shert …" Leo slurred, leaning his head against the door frame, tugging on the faded tee shirt with his good hand.

"Keep it," Raph replied, his voice clipped. Shoving Leo inside, Raph slammed the door then banged his fist on the roof of the taxi. The driver folded his paper and slipped the vehicle into gear, driving into the fading evening sun before Leo could remember to say thank you.

Leo watched until Raphael's scowling lips and piercing golden eyes disappeared. It wasn't far to his own home: a small, pleasant house with a meticulously kept yard and a vegetable garden in the back. Brooklyn neighborhoods slid past outside the window, indiscernible streaks of color that made Leo nauseous.

"Hey," the driver barked. "There's a $100 cleanin' fee if you hurl."

Leo didn't respond. He wasn't going to throw up. He had more control than that. A master of control, that was Leo.

How the hell had he let this happen?

Groaning, Leo rubbed his temple. He hadn't let it happen; he had made it happen. He had kissed Raphael, he had rubbed his cock, he had stuck his hand under Raph's tank top, tracing the hard muscles of his stomach up to his chest … Leo shut it out of his mind, not allowing himself to dwell on Raph's flashing eyes or his full, pouting lips curled in an angry snarl that begged to be kissed away. Leo had left him there, let Raph keep his angry eyes and angry lips, even if it wasn't what he wanted to do. It was what he was supposed to do. What he wanted to do was stop the cab and jump out, scramble down the street and take Raph's ridiculous body into his arms, his good, real, strong arm and his shaking mechanical replica, and kiss him until Raph wasn't angry anymore.

Leo scoffed at himself; so much for not dwelling. Some master of control.

The rest of the short ride, Leo thought of nothing. Years of meditation allowed him to empty his mind at will and he hardly noticed the passing of time until the cab jerked to a stop outside of his house. Leo's stomach rolled, his head swimming. He tried in vain to make the earth stand still.

"That'll be $12.71," the cabbie said and Leo nodded, patting down his pockets. Or lack of pockets. His money clip was in the pocket of his shirt, now stained with tea and hanging on Raphael's shower rod.

"Uh," he said awkwardly, "just honk the horn. My wife will pay."

Shaking his head with clear annoyance at his troublesome passenger, the man slammed his palm into the horn, grinding the heel of his hand against the steering wheel until the bright blue door of the house opened and Hazel peered out. Her chestnut eyes scanned the scene and, picking out Leo in the cab, she held up a tanned finger to signify 'give me a minute' before disappearing. Leo closed his eyes, listening to her speed to the kitchen to grab her wallet, listening as she came outside and shut the door, clipping down the paved walkway to the street.

"How much do I owe you?" He heard her say, followed by the ruffle of bills. The door clicked open and Leo spilled out into her arms, face flushed with shame and drink.

"Oh, Leonardo," she whispered, staggering under his weight as she pulled him from the cab and bumped the door shut with her hip. He heard the taxi drive away, probably relived to have Leo out of his life. Leo was home now and the cabbie didn't have to deal with his mess any longer. Unlike Hazel, who kissed his temple softly and nuzzled his hair.

"It's alright," she murmured. "You're home now, my love."


	6. The morning afterAgain Updated

Chapter Six: The Morning After (Again)

Leo woke with a hangover pounding between his temples. It was a feeling that he hadn't experienced since his early 20s and certainly not one that he missed. Never possessing much of an alcohol tolerance, Leo had sworn off drinking by 25. It wasn't like he had a huge cache of friends waiting to invite him out drinking, so he'd never felt as though it was a particularly big loss. Since then, he'd had only the occasional glass of wine at social events and a few flutes of champagne at his wedding. Certainly never indulged in harder liquor or binge drinking.

Last night was the return of many activities that he'd long since sworn off. His head was angry with him, snarling and clawing the inside of his skull raw to let him know how stupid he'd been, but Leo didn't need the help. He knew. As soon as he cracked open his sleep-crusty eyes and remembered the feel of Raphael's stiffening cock against his palm, he knew. It was wrong, a mistake.

Stretching his arms above his head, Leo wallowed in the empty queen bed for a moment, relishing the familiar feel of his soft, satin sheets and down comforter. Hazel had picked them out, navy blue like Leo preferred. An old cherry chest of drawers was Leo's, along with both nightstands. There wasn't much else in the room; the sparse decorations of a hotel. Leo liked it; Hazel said it lacked personality.

Testing his new arm, Leo rolled out of bed. He probably should have taken it off last night, but he'd been far too drunk to think of practical things such as undressing himself or screwing off his prosthesis. He wondered if Hazel had tried; he imagined her peering at it inquisitively, giving it a twist or a turn with hesitant fingers, but quickly giving up, not wanting to break the delicate instrument. Laying the covers over him, kissing his forehead and lips softly while Leo slept.

Padding into the baby blue master bathroom, guilt gnawed at Leo for his betrayal last night. How stupid he had been! Leo told himself that as he brushed his teeth and combed his hair. He told himself how stupid it was while he dressed in the freshly pressed clothes that Hazel had laid out for him. A pang of sharp guilt froze his heart; how could he have done this to her? Hazel was a good woman and Leo loved her. Really, he did. Their relationship was the envy of her work colleagues at the museum and even Karai seemed to begrudgingly approve. Theirs was a charmed marriage, a fairy tale love story. Hazel was the only person in his life who understood him. The couple had an easy chemistry that he'd hadn't experienced with anyone else.

At least, not until Raph came knocking into his life like a demolition crew, making Leo feel things he thought he'd successfully bottled away years ago, after Usagi had left him to marry Mariko.

Leo looked in the full mirror hanging from the back of their bedroom door. Minus his red-rimmed eyes, there was no evidence of yesterday's disaster. Perfect. That was the last thing he needed his subordinates thinking, that captain Hamato was a drunk. But he looked presentable and smelled presentable after going through his hygiene routine. All that was left was going to work … and facing his wife downstairs. He could hear her in the kitchen blending fresh fruit and yogurt into Leo's go-to breakfast smoothies.

"Good morning," Hazel chirped as Leo descended the stairs of their small home.

"Morning," Leo replied, wincing at the whirl of the blender. It felt like knives being shoved into his ears.

"I suppose I deserved that," he mumbled, sitting down at the bar.

Hazel slid him a smoothie. "I wasn't trying to punish you, Leo. Just making breakfast." She regarded him seriously. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

She nodded. "Well, I think you need to talk to _someone_ about it. Donnie, Usagi, a therapist Someone. You … lost a lot, my love. It's only natural to be upset."

Leo nodded absently. He drank his smoothie without tasting it. Would she be upset, if she knew, or would she smile the same gentle, understanding smile? _It's only natural._

"I have to go to work today," he said, his voice thick and foreign in his own ears.

"Sure," she said, watching him finish his smoothie. Leo took it to the sink and rinsed the cup, then put it in the dishwasher. Leaning down, he planted a kiss on Hazel's cheek.

"I love you," he said.

"I'm ovulating," she replied. At Leo's flush, she shrugged her shoulders. "Just letting you know."

Leo nodded gravely. Ovulating. She wanted to have sex tonight. She'd been following her cycle for months, carefully marking everything on a calendar in the kitchen so that she'd know how to best increase their chances of conception. They'd been married for almost five years, but it was only in the last year that they'd been actively trying to conceive a child. It hadn't happened. Hazel had even seen a fertility doctor and they had this schedule, a damn schedule for sex to ensure that Hazel would be ovulating. Leo was beginning to fear that it was his fault, that there was something wrong with him and his sperm and that was the real reason that Hazel hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Every time he kissed her, it felt like a trial. Each pregnancy test that came back negative, not pregnant, _again_ , made Leo feel like a failure.

"I have to go to work," Leo repeated, backing away from her, fleeing towards the door and his car.

"I love you," she finally said.

Leo could feel her love following him out the door, as though she'd painted a bullseye on his back. He hadn't lied to her, except for the lies of omission. He did need to go into the office, at least to arrange some paperwork. Many of his cases had been assigned to other detectives and it was important to assure the transition was smooth. After Don gave him the thumbs up, the cases would return to Leo. He'd spend the morning at the office, get some lunch, then go check on Donnie. Under no circumstances would he see, talk to, or think about Raph.

Leo made it to his first cup of tea before he thought about Raph. It wasn't even his sex, the feel of his cock in Leo's hand, but his smile. When Raph told a story, his entire face went into it. Expressive. Eyes alight, hands working feverishly through the air, face split into jubilant smiles or creased with fury. Raphael's face was a roadmap of his emotions.

Stealing a glance at himself in the reflection of his computer screen, Leo took in the neutral brows, the slight downturn of his lips. He looked like a corpse, dead-eyed and slack-mouthed. No emotion. Nothing. He was just … nothing. Leo turned away with disgust.

It was lunchtime when Leo realized his mantra of no-contract was futile. He didn't have any money. Leo didn't believe in credit cards and Raphael had all his cash hanging in the shirt above his bathtub. He'd _have_ to go back to Raph's apartment, if he wanted it back, and he did. That was the only reason. Purely business, he told himself. He lied to himself.

Sighing, Leo resigned himself to it. He had to go to Raph's apartment.

"I'm leaving for the day," Leo informed Karai, peeking his head into her office.

The woman was surrounded by papers, requests for time off, reports of the dead, retirement and medical and disability processes. Another woman of Karai's size would have looked small, but she did not. Instead, she looked angry, as though the papers had personally offended her and she would wrangle them into submission, beat them for their insolence.

"Fine," she responded without looking up. "I do hope you are intending to return _at some point,_ Captain."

Fucking cunt. "Yes, ma'am."

"Then you're dismissed."

Leo couldn't get out of there fast enough. In a lot of ways, he supposed Raphael was like Karai, but Leo felt a warm sort of anticipation when he thought about Raph. He felt alive when he was with the man, rather than like he was being eaten alive with Karai.

Sighing, Leo angled into his car. It wasn't a far drive to Raphael's apartment, and he wondered what he'd say when he arrived. It shouldn't be much. Just hello, how are you, I am here for my shirt, goodbye forever. Anything more would court disaster. He sighed again. He had to control himself. He had to really try to make this work, to get what he needed and then get the hell out of there.

Leo navigated out of the station's tiny parking lot and drove towards Raph's apartment with a hope and a prayer.

The morning arrived like a firebomb over Raph's apartment, bright, loud, and painful. Raph had fallen into a fitful sleep after leo left, too angry to do much else. Rolling over on his mattress, Raph shoved a pillow over his face. He still had a few days of leave. That meant he didn't have to deal with any bullshit yet, like the sun or the insistent tapping at his door.

"Whaddya want!?" He yelled, voice muffled by the pillow over his face.

"Raph?"

Raph's eyes popped open. It was Leo rap, rap, rapping at his chamber door. Swinging his legs out of the bed, Raph got to his feet and was hit with an immediate wave of vertigo. Groaning, he stumbled towards the door.

Wrenching it open, Raph glared at Leo. The policeman was the last person he'd expected to see, especially so soon after his unannounced exit stage left. Leo was primly dressed, his hair slick and combed back, his shirt and pants so pressed they could probably stand up on their own. Raph scowled at him.

"Whaddya want?" He repeated, leaning against the door frame and crossing his muscled arms over his chest.

"Uh, aren't you going to put some clothes on?" Leo asked, a bright blush staining his cheeks.

Raph would have smirked had he not been so hungover. "Nope. Whaddya want?"

"I ... left my shirt."

For a long moment, Raph regarded Leo, took in the red rim of his eyes, the twitch of his eye that happened when he was uncomfortable. It made Raph feel good. Gratified. Leo _deserved_ to be uncomfortable, after what he had done last night.

Swiping his eyes up and down Leo's body, Raph briefly considered slamming the door in his face, but instead spread his arms wide, inviting Leonardo inside.

Leonardo swept in, ducking his head as he brushed against Raphael's naked body. He'd gotten a good eyeful when Raph had opened the door; the man was taller than Leo by a couple of inches and broader by a lot more inches. He looked as though he'd been sculpted out of marble and had life breathed into him by the fucking gods. Strong, thick arms and legs. A stomach he could cut diamonds on. And his cock. He'd felt it last night when Raph had started to get hard, but he hadn't seen it. Raph was flaccid now, but Leo hadn't been able to stop himself from looking. The length was pleasantly shaped and a rich brown hue, nestled against tufts of curly black hair. Thick. Long. Heavy.

Swallowing, Leo tucked his hands into his pockets and sped to the bathroom, trying not to look at or think about Raph's dick. Behind him, Raph followed lazily, his posture easy, watching Leo go into the bathroom and take his shirt off the hanger. He carefully folded it and exhaled, turning to face Raph.

"Thank you," Leo said, fighting the absurd urge to hold out his palm for a handshake. "I'll, uh, be going now."

"Really?" Raph said, the octaves of agitation beginning to seep into his voice. "Got yer shit, gonna jet now?"

"Yes," Leo answered. Raph's voice was making his head hurt. "I told you that was why I came."

"Yeah, I heard ya. I heard ya last night too."

Leo winced. "Raphael, don't…"

"I heard ya moanin' when you grabbed my dick, you big fuckin' faggot."

"I'm not-! Don't say that!" Leo scowled. "Why do you have to be so crass!?"

"Oh, give it a fuckin' rest!" Raph scoffed, his easiness dissolved. The anger he'd bottled last night bubbled to the surface and exploded onto his face, morphed his features into something feral as he advanced on Leo, shoved him hard in the chest. "What, you thought you was grabbin' a pussy!?"

"No!" Leo planted his feet firmly and faced Raph, his body rocking back at the shove, but his feet stayed firmly in place. This wasn't going as smoothly as he'd hoped.

"Raph, please, I don't want to fight you. I have to go back to work."

"Yeah, okay, get the fuck out," Raph spat, turning his back to Leo.

Stomping out of the bathroom doorway, Raph freed Leo's exit, then threw himself onto the couch. Spreading his thighs, Raph hitched a leg over the arm of the couch. His hands drifted between them, stroking his fingers through that tangle of dark hair. The other hand caressed his dick, traced the head of it, carefully fingered the thick veins. It began to stir to life, stiffening in Raph's hand as he glared hard at Leo's incredulous expression.

"What the hell are you doing!?"

"Whatever the fuck I want," Raph replied, wrapping his hand around his half-hard cock. "It's my apartment. Don't let the door hitcha on the ass on yer way out."

Leo just stared. Was Raph really doing this? Jacking it right there on the couch while Leo was standing a room away, clutching his dirty shirt? But the answer was clearly yes, he was, because Raph sped up, rubbing himself faster and rougher as his eyes smoldered at Leo, challenging him, daring him to walk away while also daring him to stay.

The smell of sex permeated the air. Raph's musk was so much different from Hazel's light scent. She smelled of sage and cedar and lemon. When she was aroused, her puffy cunt leaked clear fluid that covered Leo's fingers, smeared over his lips and nose, and smelled like pie crust. When Leo'd first told his wife that her vagina smelled like puff pastry, she'd laughed and called him a flatterer and a flirt. It was true, though. Through the heady smell of sex, Hazel smelled like an early morning bakery.

Raph did not smell like a bakery. He smelled like fire and smoke. Soap. Sweat. Cinnamon. Leo realized he hadn't moved, had been rooted to the spot since Raph had taken his dick in his hand and shot Leo that contentious look.

"Raph …"

"Fuck you," Raph grumbled, really working his cock now, widening his legs and panting as he jacked himself, fully erect.

This was bad. Leo took a step towards the couch. This was wrong. He thought of Hazel at home, making smoothies for breakfast. Leo should be going back to work and then home for dinner with his wife. Instead, he was staring with a slightly slack jaw at a gloriously naked man, laid out like a renaissance painting on the couch. Dick in hand. Baiting Leo. Inviting Leo. Raph wanted to have sex, of that Leo had no doubt. This show was for Leo's benefit, and maybe Raph's too a bit, some sadistic revenge for Leo's departure last night.

He shouldn't do it. He should turn right then and walk out and never, ever see Raph again. Never smell the cinnamon on his skin again. Never see the thick heft of his sex again. Leo was not a master of control, as much as he liked to be. As much as he liked to think of himself as such. He avoided temptation by avoiding situations.

But Raph was a situation. A very naked, very sexy situation. Impossible to avoid. There were many times that Leo could have derailed the collision course he and Raph were thundering down. Now was one of those times, but he hesitated. Just like all the times before, he did not turn and leave, shut Raph out of his life, as he should have.

It was stupid that Raph should have such a hold on him. They'd known each other such a short period of time. Raph made fun of him often, and Leo knew that he wasn't kidding. Raph said what he meant, even in the guise of jest. Raph was honest. Open. Everything was out there for the world to see. It was a trait that Leo had never possessed, but he envied it. Raph wasn't sneaky and underhanded. Raph wouldn't consider cheating on his wife just because he'd met a beautiful man, a man who was, maybe, offering him more than just a beautiful cock to suck.

Tossing yesterday's shirt onto the old chair, Leo crossed the room and dropped to his knees between Raph's thighs. Making no move to accommodate Leo, Raph just continued to stroke his cock in long, languid swipes of palm as his amber eyes bore down into Leonardo's, challenging him. Even when Leo sighed and leaned his head down, nuzzling the soft, delicate skin of Raph's balls, Raph simply rubbed his cock over Leo's brow, his cheeks, his nose, brushed it against his lips, but continued to jack himself.

Leo took what he was given and his tongue darted out, licking Raphael's balls lightly so that he could watch them tense and contract as cold air touched wet flesh. Raph moaned softly. Gratified, Leo gripped Raph's thigh with his hand and went to work nuzzling, kissing, and sucking every piece of tender flesh he could get his mouth on.

Pleasure coursed through his body and pulsated in his pants. Precum dotting the inside of his slacks, leaving a small stain of moisture against the beige fabric. The smell of Raph's sex so close to his face stiffened Leo's cock and he lapped eagerly between Raph's thighs without expectation or fertility charts or strange potency teas.

Moaning, Raph shifted against the couch, shoving his balls against Leo's nose. It was difficult not to watch as Leo opened his mouth and took the fragile spheres into his mouth, kissing and sucking them gently before releasing and nuzzling again. Vindication filled him; he had known that Leo wanted this, wanting to suck his dick and fuck him, and now he had the proof crouch down between his legs. No matter what Leo said, his stupid virginal hesitation, Raph knew the truth.

Warmth bubbled in his stomach, shooting down to his toes and curling them as Raph rocked towards orgasm. With a shuddering gasp, Raph came. Inconsiderately, more than anything, shooting semen across Leo's face, in his hair. How pretty it looked, Leo's annoyed face coated in Raph's thick cum. Smiling with dazed triumph, Raph smeared the cum against Leo's cheeks, rubbed it into his hair.

"That was unnecessary," Leo grumbled, wiping his face with the back of his hand and glaring up at Raph, who laughed like ice clinking in a glass of bourbon. Leo flushed hotly with indignation.

Pulling to his feet, Leo leaned over the couch, almost losing his balance when he tried to plant a hand on one side of Raph's shoulder and grab his hair with the other. The poor grip was a problem, but Leo recovered easily. He snaked his natural hand into Raph's hair and yanked, exposing the man's throat. Rather than be angry, Raph flashed his teeth at Leo, raising an eyebrow in question. In challenge. That was twice that Raph had challenged Leo. This time, Leo wasn't going to back down as easily, wasn't going to sit docilely between Raph's legs and let himself be cock-slapped like a porn star.

"Fine," he whispered, reaching his arm down to tease Raph's puckered hole. Raph hissed at the coldness of the manufactured arm, then groaned as a slender, slick digit pushed inside of him, fucking him open until Leo withdrew it. Releasing Raph's hair, Leo grabbed Raph's thighs instead and yanked him down the couch, wrenching his legs open so that he could angle his hips against Raph's ass.

It was all so fast, so rushed. Leo couldn't help himself; Raph had lit a fire inside of him, one that he felt smoldering even when Raphael was not around. When he was, it blazed. Raphael's skin burned when they touched, ached deliciously. Leo wanted this. He wanted to fuck Raph, to rise to that challenge and win, to show Raph that he was a man, a strong man and a good fuck, and maybe those insolent, derisive quips would stop. Maybe Raph would respect it.

It was all stupid, caveman, hormone-fueled drivel and Leo knew he'd probably be ashamed of himself later for even thinking it. Doubly so for indulging it. But he undid his pants anyway and held the base of his cock in his natural hand. Carefully, he guided it inside of Raph's warm, tight body with a heavy groan. He could have been gentler, could have prepared him more, but Leo's blood had boiled over, his control had broken, when Raph had swiped cum across his face like a possessive child marking his territory. If that was how he wanted it, Leo could lay claim too.

"Jerk," Leo hissed as he thrust into Raph, expecting the man to laugh in response. Instead, Raph sunk his teeth into Leo's shoulder, hard enough to draw blood through the shirt and make Leo scream. Speeding up his hips, Leo pumped into Raph viciously as Raph draw his tongue in languid spirals over Leo's bleeding shoulder, leaving wet, bloody spots in the fabric. Soothing the wound that he'd inflicted while nibbling softer, pleasure and pain in tandem until Leo couldn't contain himself any longer and he was coming, coming so hard, shoved so deep inside of Raph's body that he could feel the curve of his ass against his thighs, Raph's half-hard cock and balls shoved into his stomach.

Panting, Leo withdrew harshly, straightening up and moving away from Raphael. From the temptation that he'd given into.

"I have to get back to work," Leo lied.

"Huh?"

"I have to go," he repeated, zipping up his fly and snatching the old shirt from the floor as he practically tripped over himself to leave.

"Hey, wait up," Raph started, but it didn't matter. Leo wasn't listening to him. Lost in his own world of guilt and self-denial, Leo needed to punish himself for what had transpired between them. To do that, he needed to leave and he needed to do so immediately. If he looked at Raph's hurt and confused face (how could a grown man with Raph's life experience look so _pure_?), then he would stay. He'd stay and kiss Raph's face, his throat, take him back into that bedroom with the ratty floor mattress and waste the afternoon making Raph scream.

"I have to go," Leo said for the third time.

"Fine," Raph snapped, pride twisting his mouth into a scowl. "Get the fuck out; who wants ya here anyway?"

Fighting the urge to apologize, Leo nodded and refolded his shirt awkwardly. Coming here had been a bad idea, just like he'd known it would be, and now Raph was angry. Again. Still? He thought of Karai, harried and surrounded by papers. Hazel with her fertility chart and ovulation. Raph with his flashing, angry eyes that demanded more.

"I'm not enough," Leo whispered.

"What?"

But Leo didn't elaborate. He just smiled a sad sort of smile at Raph before bustling out the door.

After Leo left, clicking the door shut so softly that it had surprised Raph, Raph sat on the couch until his cock had softened completely. It would have been nice if Leo had stayed instead of leaving him sitting there feeling like a $2 whore. The fucking had felt good when it was happening but now that Leo was gone and the apartment was empty, Raph's hangover pains were back to the forefront of his mind, supplemented by a sense of cheapness. A hollow sort of feeling, cold and empty and lonely.

What had he expected? He'd set Leo up for a quick fuck, and that was exactly what he'd gotten. Wham-bam, thank you, Raph.

Briefly, he considered calling Trax to grab a beer at Dusty's. He'd even reached for his phone, thrown haphazardly on the coffee table last night, before the pang of remembrance choked his heart. Trax was dead. No more nights spent of his would be spent listening to Raph's drunken rambling, bailing Raph out of jail for petty fights, holding his hair when he puked up all the liquid stupidity he'd consumed.

Letting his hand drop back to his thigh, Raph rolled onto his side. One arm tucked underneath his head, he stared at nothing. An incomprehensible sense of dread roiled inside of him, something he'd never felt before and couldn't put a name to. It was as though something awful was lurking just out of sight, waiting for something to bring mangled memories to the forefront of his brain. Like those old video games; you cannot rest here, there are monsters nearby.

Raph hated the feeling tying his gut up into notes. He wanted it to stop. Booze hadn't done the trick, not really, and even the pot had trouble keeping the nightmares at bay sometimes. Maybe it was time to try something else.

Though he'd never partaken in harder drugs than pot, Raph wasn't opposed to the idea. A junkie or an addict was someone who couldn't function because of the shit they did, but that wasn't Raph. Even with his booze and green queen, he always went to work and paid his bills. All that responsible shit. No reason he couldn't do it on something else. Hell, after what he'd been through, he deserved it and fuck anyone who said different. Maybe he wouldn't, he didn't know, but it wouldn't hurt to ask around. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.

Rolling off the couch, Raph stumbled back to the bedroom, grabbing his phone on the way. He thought he just might know a guy who knew a guy …


	7. A Haiku and a step

_**Hi, Caroaimezoe here. I'm sorry but Duz doesn't want to continue this commission anymore. I continue it, trying to make a connection with her chapter 6. I am not gifted in English,**_ _**at all. It is not my language. I tried and had my text revised to a French friend who did what she could. So, there will be grammatical errors and maybe you will not like my style, be patient with me, please. I tried. I loved this fic too much to drop it. If someone is willing to be my Beta in English, tell me.**_

* * *

Leo had gone back to the office, his heart pounding. He had to resist the urge to retrace his steps to the fireman. He spent the day, as in a dream, only his body being present, answering Karai absent-mindedly, shaking his head at times.

He knew that his superior needed him, and though he had no real utility, too much consumed by the memory of what he had done, Leo remained until the end of his work. That was the least he could do, working only two days instead of five, since Donnie wanted to see him twice a week, In the least, and he didn't even make full days. Donatello also demanded that Leo would work less, starting work at 9:30 am and ending at 4:00 am, reducing his workday by three hours and a half, plus his one hour for lunch. It pissed Karai off and Leo felt ashamed about it. The deputy inspector knew that his brother was the doctor who signed the medical note. Leo hated to feel privileged. He had no choice though, with Donatello holding his mechanical arm as a hostage. Donnie wanted Leo to rest, judging how he would get up to the dawn for mediation, yoga and jogging before going to work. Leo found it rich from his brother, who never slept himself. Concerning the question of Leo concerning his return full-time, Donatello had been evasive, suggesting, perhaps, after the holidays.

The policeman hadn't spoken to Hazel, ashamed about the extends of his medical leave, feeling useless. Unable to work and unable to conceive a child. He had slipped a word at Raph, not fearing his judgment, since the fireman was on medical leave himself, but he didn't talk into details of his schedule. This blur allowed him to flee sooner.

So, he left at 4:00 pm, as his medical note recommended, followed by Karai's piercing glance, hurrying to hide his incoming nervous breakdown after such a day. He wouldn't have to face this shame again before Tuesday, 9:30 am and suddenly he was almost grateful for it.

At 4:10 pm, in the safety of his car, Leo remained for a long time, looking at himself in the mirror without realizing that his sins were not apparent and that his lips, which had nuzzled Raph's balls, were normal.

He was such a jerk.

He didn't want to go home, to face Hazel with her sweet smile and eat a well-cooked meat loaf with green beans, knowing that his wife was waiting for them to go upstairs and make her a child. But he had no choice. He couldn't go home but where to go? At Usagi's? Donnie's? He didn't want anymore because he knew that his arrival would make them ask questions. Questions he didn't want to answer, not understanding himself his actions. Besides, Usagi had his plate full, with his wife and son, and Don, the same with his work. Leo didn't want to disturb them with his problems. He hadn't even argued with Hazel. It never happened to them. He had no reason not to return.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at it for a few minutes. Raphael hadn't sent him a string of insults. He probably thought Leo was just an asshole who didn't even deserve an insulting text. Leo tightened the cellphone in his hands, as if he wanted to crush it, glaring at it as if it was an enemy who aimed at him with a gun.

He couldn't bear the thought that Raph would see him as a bastard now, even though he had every right to think of it. During the last month, during their meetings, the firefighter had became important to him. He needed to justify himself, so that Raph wouldn't get bitter at him, even if Leo knew he would never see him again. He hesitated for a few minutes, and then, with a sigh, he put the device back and turned the engine key. Leo wasn't a coward. He was going to confront Raph in person, even if it meant he would get a punch in the face for his trouble.

The way to go to the black man was only ten minutes long, so Leo didn't even call Hazel to explain. He didn't trust himself to talk to his wife at the moment. Arriving in front of the building where the other male lived, he saw that Raph's motorcycle wasn't in the parking lot. He was relieved, but another part of him remained dejected. He went out of his car, after having torned the last page of a book of haiku which was dragging under the passenger's bench. He didn't look at it, only looking for piece of paper to write on, at least on one side, and with great strides, nervous, he entered the building. In front of Raph's door, he knocked, more because of ethic than to inform he was coming, for he knew that the fireman wouldn't be there. He drew a pen from his pocket and wrote on the back of the sheet.

« _Raph, I'm so sorry. I left quickly because, after all that happened, the office was like living hell, with deaths, missing people, and medical leave. I would have liked to stay with you, have a tea and talk, but I couldn't. I came back from the end of my day, but you're not there. I hope you aren't mad at me, but if you are, I understand. L. »_

Satisfied that he had been able, at least, to give a kind of an explanation and apologize, Leo returned to his car, to have diner with his wife.

Raphael came back late. He had neglected his Ma and Casey too much, lately. He had dinner with them, his face neutral throughout the meal, as if his self-esteem wasn't so down, and as if he didn't have a bag of cocaine in the back pocket of his pants.

Casey was a moron, but a moron who knew him and offered to go and have a drink at Dusty's. Although it reminded him of the evening when he had received the first text of this bastard of Leonardo last month, he accepted. He wasn't going to stop living for that motherfucker scumbag.

He had left Betty at his Ma's house, knowing fully well that he wouldn't be able to return. For once, Casey had been responsible, had only had two beers, and had left him in front of his house. It was near midnight, but who cared? He didn't have to get up next day and nobody was waiting for him. He felt much better at Dusty's, but the bad feeling came back as he was entering his building. Raph didn't want to see his living room where Leo, after using him, had turned his back and had fled, as if Raph was a contaminated whore.

Raph thought it didn't matter. It was the kind of thing that happened to a lot of people. He had been fucked and abandoned. It was so commonplace, no reason to cry. Raph would keep telling himself that it wasn't such a big deal and, in order to get his head out of the ass, he turned the light on. His eyes immediately landed on the ivory paper, folded in two. He frowned. Had Leo dropped something while he was leaving? Raph leaned over and, stunned, read the printed characters on one side.

" _If piece I lack_

 _And whole I can't seem to be_

 _Will you finish me?"_

He raised his eyebrows and quickly turned the paper around, where there was an elegant handwriting that he identified as Leo's. His first thought was to scrunch the paper into a ball, but he stopped, as he was disturbed. He realized that Leo came back... He came back to see him.

Raph guessed very well that what Leo was saying was true. The repercussions of 9/11 had not stopped yet, maybe they never will. He remembered that Leo told him about his superior, like she was a bossy bitch, breathing on his neck, nonstop.

He took the place of the captain, wondering if Angel would have given him time to fuck anybody during working hours. The answer was no. Even with one arm less, Leo seemed to want to be treated like everyone else. Besides, his boss didn't seem to be willing to give him favor s... So maybe... Leo was not as much of the son of a bitch as he had made him mop and drink all evening.

He sat down in his chair, turning the sheet of paper in his hands, wondering what to do. He removed the bag of cocaine from his jeans, uncomfortable because of the bump it made, along with his cell phone. He placed both the bag and his phone on the table and looked at them, back and fork, waiting for a sign, wondering from which of them he would get the best relief. With a sigh, he grabbed the phone and scrolled down the names of his contacts until the wanted one.

He hesitated slightly. His pride and self-esteem had been wounded earlier and he didn't want to look like a guy with no balls, which could be played with. Then he remembered how he had spent a miserable day, and sent his pride to hell.

He decided to send a neutral message to the policeman, with a hint of humor, to save the face, unsure of how he should understand the sort of poem that – he was sure of it – Leonardo chose to go along with his message.

 _« Hey, I'm no longer angry. U left so fast that I thought ur car was turning into a pumpkin and I even looked for a glass slipper. Your boss holds you by the balls, I understand, even if I would have preferred that u'd kept mine in your hand or in mouth. »_

He pressed "send" impulsively and waited impatiently for the answer, staring at the phone. He knew he was being ridiculous. It was almost midnight and undoubtedly, the perfect and tidy Captain Hamato was in bed. After a long moment, about ten minutes, he snarled at the powder bag, having an irrepressible need to fill his mind with a vacuum, when his cell phone vibrated, the screen lighting.

Raph rushed over it, leaving the bag of cocaine behind to read the message : _"Hi Raph, I'm relieved you're not angry, I couldn't sleep, I know that usually we see each other on Wednesday, but if you want, I can find some time to go to the Café before next week"_

The heavy weight crushing Raphael's chest since Leo's hasty departure finally went down, after reading the policeman's kind reply. With an enthusiasm he hadn't had for a long time, he wrote without thinking: _"Well, maybe I have time for you tomorrow, between two sexy chicks."_

He waited for the answer, anxious again. Tomorrow? He wasn't one of insist. Why was he so eager to see Leonardo again? It was no fun, many of his friends were more so. He was damn too serious. Was it because sex with Leo was incredibly good and it's been a while since Raph had a good fuck? Whatever the reason, he was ridiculous, but he didn't give a shit about.

For some unknown reason, Leo made him feel better... He made him feel complete. Raph looked back at the poem Leo chose. The policeman seemed to feel an approaching feeling and it had been a long time since anyone had felt anything but fraternity or friendship for him. Leo wasn't looking for a fling, he was too much of a serious guy. But then, what did the Captain want? And Raph himself, what did he want? Leo was a handsome man, but in a different style from what would usually attract him.

He had not seen Leo's body, covered in clothes each time they had sex, but he had easily guessed a tight musculature, not impressive like his, but he wasn't looking for a twin. The noble posture of the policeman and his courteous and grave voice were peculiar. Leo was not just anyone, he was different and the features of his face caught attention, for they were so manly, elegant and mysterious. Raph often had the feeling of being fascinated, like he was in front of a Sphinx. But what he found the most interesting about Leo was his old wise eyes. Leo physically looked very good for a 35 years old, but behind his gray-blue eyes, almond shaped, he found that there was a wisdom and a calm, very appealing for a blazing fire like him.

Leo could have deep conversations, but also the next moment, he would joke badly and his clumsy efforts to socialize, were touching. But when they had had to sex, Leo was no longer awkward from what he had seen, and for Raph, the sexual aspect of a relationship really mattered. Leo seemed to have the drive of a born-leader in bed, at least during the intercourse. Afterwards, the policeman seemed to be remorseful, without his understanding. After all, Raph was a single, major, and willing man. Where was the problem? Surely not the age difference of only seven years.

And why he had thought of "relationship"? What a stupid idea. He wasn't looking for anything romantic. Was he looking for it? If so, certainly not with a person as annoying as Leonardo Hamato. Okay, he had been fucked senseless by this annoying person with gorgeous eyes as shining as steel. So what? It wasn't his first "one-nigth-stand" with a handsome man. Was he?

At the same time, Leo's answer arrived, to signify that he would be there, after his appointment with Donnie, at 11 o'clock. Raph's entrails squeezed. Leo met him at his apartment and not in a public place. That didn't mean anything, but perhaps the policeman wasn't against physical reconciliation. Raphael wondered if, if he did, he would let himself go. His eyes fell, as he wonders, over the bag of cocaine. What he knew, however, was that he didn't need that today. He stood up to put it in the closet of his bathroom.

Two miles away, Leo, in his bathroom, sitting on the cover of the toilet, was staring at his phone, as if it had grown a head. After a pleasant meal with his wife, helping her as much as he could with the dishes, and two hours, in front of the television, Leo had closed the curtains and made love to his wife. While he was inside of Hazel, he realized that his wife wasn't chasing orgasm, but had to have a little Leo or a little Hazel in her mind. She wasn't with him, but at a future baby's shower, drinking virgin mimosas and unpacking layettes blue or pink.

Leo wondered if, again, Hazel would be defeated next month when she'd see a negative test. He tried to focus on the task, and with shame, he finally managed to ejaculate at the thought of the body, so tight and warm, that it had penetrated sooner. Overwhelmed by the remorse, Leo stood up for a shower and noticed he had received a message on his phone.

Discreetly, he took it and headed for the bathroom, wondering who texted him so late and not daring to expect for the name he hoped for. A heat had invaded his chest by discovering the sender and the contents of the message. There, he stared at the device for several minutes, heart pounding, and finally, he replied. He was just relieved that Raph was no longer angry. The fireman was a good friend and an excellent listener. He made him laugh and relax, and gave him well-being. After what he had gone through, he needed it. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was a seductive man.

He needed to see Raph quickly, again. The sooner, the less damage it would have to their budding friendship. The thought of meeting Raph tomorrow, or well, in a few hours actually, made him dizzy. He thought briefly of his wife, who, having had his sperm, snored quietly in the next room. He didn't feel guilty for tomorrow. He wasn't going to do anything with Raph, just apologizing, in private and promising never to do it again. Yes, it was a good plan. So, he confirmed with the fireman, just after his meeting with Donatello.

He arrived in front of Donnie's house, earlier than 35 minutes, having been in a hurry to leave his house and hoping so he could leave sooner, when he received the text of his brother, putting off their appointment the next day for an emergency. Leo cursed under his breath. He told Hazel that after his appointment with Donatello, he would have lunch with his brother and then move quickly to work. So, he made sure he had a three hours with Raph, a time needed to repair their friendship, worn out because of his poor self-control. But, with this cancellation, he should go back to Donnie the next day and Hazel would wonder what he had done today, since he hadn't gone home.

He couldn't cancel his meeting with Raph. It was already a miracle that after all his indecent advances and disrespectful behavior, the fireman agreed to see him again. Besides, he wanted to see Raphael. Hazel knew of his existence, as well as the Wednesday meetings. He would tell her the truth. Anyway, his wife, herself, had told him to find someone to talk to.

He silenced all the voices in his head and wrote to the black man if he could pass immediately, since his brother could not see him. Perhaps Raphael was still asleep or didn't want to see him soon. If he did, he would go home. He was quickly reassured by Raph's reply. "Sure"

Nervous, but also excited, despite his judgment which told him not to be, he went to Raphael's. The motorcycle wasn't in the parking lot, but Leo passed by. Raph must have been present since he had told him to come.

Raphael had just got up from his bed when he received the message from Leonardo asking him if he could come over. He didn't expect the policeman before noon, at least, and eagerly replied "sure" even though he was not ready to receive this visit. He had fallen asleep late, after having recrossed all his encounters with Leonardo in his mind, wondering what the policeman wanted and what he wanted, himself. Was he interested in Leo? Was Leo interested in him? Of course, physically, he seemed to please the captain, but beyond sex, did he have an interest in something more? Did Raph want to get involved in something more? He had fallen asleep, exhausted from these unanswered questions somewhere between 2 and 3 o'clock.

He had no idea of the distance between his home and Leo's brother's office, but he rushed to open the window of his room and the window of the living room to ventilate the apartment. He looked like shit when he studied himself in the mirror and he immediately brushed his teeth to remove the smell of whiskey and smoke and threw himself into the shower.

He soaped himself vigorously, while still questioning himself. If Leo wanted sex, what should he do? He didn't want to be treated like a disposable diaper again, that he was sure of. Then, as he went out, he told himself that he was overthinking it. He would act by instinct, as always.

He had just got out of the shower, wiping himself with a burgundy towel, when he heard the slight knock at his door. "Fuck! Already?" He mumbled, as he nervously went to open the door.

Leo stood in front of him, embarrassed, with an apparent blushing on his paler complexion, his hair impeccably combed, as always, wearing a very light blue shirt and freshly pressed gray coal pants. Leo had to spend his income at the laundry, how a wild sex animal as he seems to be could look such as a dork, Raph thought, making a gesture to get him in.

Leo wondered again why he had thrown himself into the tiger den. He had thought and thought about what he was going to say. He didn't want to lose what he had with Raph, that he knew, no matter what it was. He quickly studied the man in front of him, radiant in his almost nakedness. He chastised himself: he had no rights to think thus of the fireman. Raph, for once, seemed vaguely uncomfortable and he slipped away to put on some clothes.

As the black man dressed, Leo braced himself. He would apologize, as planned, says he would never do it ever again, and they would be able to move on.

Taking advantage of not being under the intimidating look of the other man, Leo began his mea culpa on the other side of the door:

 _ **"Raph, I'm so sorry for what happened... I don't want you feeling used or not important to me... You're very important to me and... "**_

 _ **"Sorry, Captain, I can't hear ya. Come in, there nothin you ain't seen before."**_

Leo cursed. Raph did it on purpose. But remembering how he had treated the fireman, he entered. Raph had just put on some bright red boxers, highlighting the hard curves of his lower back. Leo just stared.

" _ **So, care to repeat?"**_

" _ **Uh, well…I just told you that you were important to me. I have not felt so close to someone for years and I think ...**_ _ **"**_

" _ **So, ya wanted ta be closer?"**_

Leo had no idea how to respond to that. Was it what he wanted to do? In a way... But it was not that simple. He had desired Raph and if he was sincere with himself, he had to admit that he had wanted his room-mate at the hospital from the start. But it wasn't that physical... He had a chemistry with Raph that he simply couldn't explain. Raphael was waiting for his answer, his arms folded, not dressing any more.

He owed explanations and answers to Raphael, after his inexplicable behavior. Had he not come here for this purpose? _" **I feel a need to know you better, you're a special person, and I feel good with you, I wondered if I could feel even better if I were closer to you."**_ he explained, with honestly.

But, it seemed, at his own ears, that it was a pathetic and meaningless answer. Raph looked a little unhappy with it: _**"And me, ya think I felt better when, twice, ya turned away from me as if I had a disease? Or ya haven't thought of me at all? Kind of selfish, no?"**_

Leo began to apologize again, ashamed, but Raph interrupted him _ **. "Talk is cheap! Yar not at yer office! Ya want me to forgive ya, show me some action"**_

Unsure, Leo raised his cobalt blue eyes. Raph gave him a green light. How could Raphael offer him, with his pure and honest face, his body of ebony, again, when twice he had acted like an ungrateful jerk? Leo had nothing to give him comparable. Hazel seemed to love the sex with him, but he suspected that it was more the prospect of conceiving a baby, who was pushing Hazel into his bed, so often.

Seeing that Leo seemed hesitant, Raph frowned: _**"Yer call, Captain, ya want to be closer and ya want to show me that I'm important for ya. Go. I am waiting. Or are ya only a fucking teasing player with a big mouth".**_ he declared, showing his almost naked body with an inviting gesture and an arrogant smile, defying Leo, once again.

Again, the silent but irrefutable challenge burned his blood, he took a step towards the other man who, complacently, had sat down at the end of the bed, offered, his thighs slightly apart. But at the second step, Raphael's face becomes more serious.

 _ **"Every step ya make, ya owe me an hour, so ya owe me two, if yar not ready to pay this debt, ya can go back where you're from, and fuck someone else in the ass, but if ya want me, ya have to walk," R**_ aph articulated clearly, to show the seriousness of his deal.

Leo had stopped moving at the first words. Raph was 6 feet from him, about 5 steps away. If he had understood the demand of his friend, if he completed the distance between him and the fireman, he had to stay with him for seven hours. Seven hours! It was more than his new days of work! Its was insane!

But, on the other side, if he turned his back, now, he knew he couldn't come back, because that would validate the assumption that he was only an asshole. He was caught between the door and his normal life between Karai's demands, at work, and attempts to make a child, at home, and a magnificent feast in front of him, who only asked for his presence and sex only for the pleasure of the thing and nothing more. He really meant what he had said to Raph, earlier. He liked him and he found that the fireman, who had also passed through a lot, deserved, like him, relaxation and pleasure. Raph was willing, there was no doubt. He had nothing to do until dinner time and he had to be forgiven. Raph and he deserved these seven hours of happiness. He forbided himself to think of anything else as he crossed the steps separating him from Raphael.


	8. Dinner at Ma's

" _ **Why do you smile like a fool? I have parsley between my teeth?"**_ Donatello's question startled Leo _ **. "Oh, you know, just happy to see you, Don"**_ he replied, eagerly, without thinking. His little brother glared at him.

 _ **"Please,"**_ said the doctor, rolling his eyes. He didn't add anything else, but Leo understood that it meant "please, don't take me for a dumbass". Donnie could think what he wanted, Leo didn't care, as long as he didn't think Leo had to spend the whole day, yesterday, leaning on the mechanical arm that the doctor just adjusted, making Raph, the man who five weeks earlier, was lying next to him, in the hospital, scream his name in pleasure.

Leo kept thinking of yesterday. This had helped that Hazel, he had forgotten, had a bachelorette party, last night. Leo received her message while Raph was on the phone with his Ma. Hazel had gently reminded him, around the end of the afternoon, that she wasn't eating with him but her friends and colleagues and that she would be back around 11 pm. This had removed his last flap of stress. Leo had been with Raph for over five hours already, and they had sex three times. Between each time, his black lover had gently caressed him and this sweetness, coming from a man so physically imposing, touched him.

Leo had been there for some time and knew, unfortunately, that he had to leave soon. It had nothing to do anymore with the 7-hour agreement. Raph was no longer angry with him and Leo had proved he was interested in him. So no, Leo just didn't want to leave so soon. He didn't want to leave Raph's body, so hard under his fingers, and the taste of cinnamon and he didn't know what else on his tongue. The first kisses had been more exploratory and then, demanding. Leo had become wild, with all the self-restraint of a starving raccoon at a banquet, but he didn't hear any complaints from the firefighter. The last kisses, before Hazel's message and Raph's phone call, had been slow and considerate, along with meaningful looks and tender caresses, their bodies weaned and contented.

And Leo, though he was satisfied, didn't want to leave, yet. It seemed to him that there were still too many unknown aspects of Raph that he wanted to discover and his partner seemed to feel the same need.

Raph's belly gurgled, since they didn't have breakfast and Leo kissed his navel lovingly. _**"You're not full yet?"**_ he asked with a teasing smile.

 _ **"Bastard, ya arrived more than an hour earlier than expected, I didn't have time to even eat,"**_ Raphael replied with a false indignation.

Tenderly, with one of his strange attempts to try humor, Leo told him that he was being ungrateful, since Leo made him cum four times, and then he called his lover a bastard.

Raph remained silent only a few seconds looking at him straight in the eye _ **. "D' ya prefer me to call ya Babe?"**_ Raph asked half-mockingly and seriously, and it was Leo's turn to be quiet for a moment. Was it a real question or a joke?

If it was a bad joke, Leo didn't have to worry about it, but if it was a question, it wasn't an ordinary one. If Raph nicknamed him "babe", they were a step closer to endearments, endearments meant actual feelings, feelings meant a real "affair" and it was something Leo couldn't have. Yes, he felt something bigger than physical desires for Raphael and precisely, Leo liked him enough not to make Raph waste his time with him.

Raphael deserved someone who could be 100% with him and not just a quick fuck. Then, Leo said to himself that he was overthinking it. Perhaps Raph only wanted a quick fuck? Raph only asked if he could give him an affectionate nickname.

Raphael seemed to be an affectionate person. The fireman had not made a proposal, one knee on the ground. Yes, Leo was overthinking it and the black man was just fine with giving sweet pet names at his fuckfriend.

Raphael stared at him with his golden eyes, his head resting on his hand, on an elbow _ **. "Hey, take it easy, Chief, yar not a suspect I'm questioning, yar gonna hurt yerself thinking so loud! It was a joke!" L**_ eo, used to reading body language, was not completely convinced that it was only a joke. But, Raphael's version had been easier to stomach.

In order to change his mind, Raph kissed him gently and offered to eat with him somewhere. It was about 5 pm and Leo agreed, for he hadn't eat anything since his whole wheat toast and his orange juice. He owed Raphael another hour, and in any case, Leo was hungry and was in no hurry to leave the black man. Leo agreed, on the condition that they did not take Raphael's bike. Raphael then remembered that his motorcycle was at his Ma's house. He went to call her and it was at this moment that Hazel texted him, offering Leo a good 6 hours again with... His friend? His fuckfriend? His lover? Leo decided that names, nicknames, and titles, had bothered him enough for today. He wanted to focus on the moment, not on its meaning or its calling. Then Raph, flushed, had returned, and Leo had been astounded to see this mastodon having this look of deep embarrassment _ **. "My ma invited me to dinner... but she said that... uh my friend is invited as well.**_

It had been Leo's turn to blush, but Raph, while passing his hand through his braided hair, muttered that Leo could only drop him at his Ma's house and do whatever he pleased. Raph had also seen the time passing and the deadline approaching. Leo had surprised his gaze several times in the last hour on the digital dial and his adorable pout had grown bigger as time went by. Leo could leave, as Raph was offering him, and they would have sex in the shower one last time, until there would be no hot water left, and then Raph would go to his adoptive mother house. Raph would have no bad feelings against him, but, Leo guessed it, his lover would be disappointed.

After all, nothing was waiting for Leo before 11pm. He could afford the luxury of remaining with Raphael a few more hours. His lover, afterwards, would no longer be angry with him, admitting that he was still. Leo wanted to give Raphael that little pleasure and make him smile.

So, he accepted. He saw the so expressive features of Raph being surprised, delighted, then the fireman, had shrugged his shoulders simply saying: "Okay then". Leo had retained his knowing smile in front of this evident "cool guy act". The important thing was that Raph was happy and that the horrible behavior of Leo, in the last days, was forgotten.

They had made love before leaving, one last time. But it seemed that this time was different and for that reason, Leo would think about it as "making love", and not "having sex" or "fuck". And thus, even though he was only thinking about it, quietly sitting down in Donnie's office.

They had started the foreplay with lascivious caresses and sweet kisses and Raph had asked Leo if the policeman wanted to ride him. Bottoming wasn't Leo's favorite thing to do. He had been able to do it with Usagi, but only after being with him for a few months. Leo needed to trust his partner completely to let go of control. But his resistance with Raph didn't last. Riding meant he would keep some control. And he had to admit, it was curious to experience this feeling again, with Raphael. And, more importantly, even if he hadn't knew him for so long, Leo trusted Raphael enough for that.

The sensation of fullness, Raph's hands in both of his own, the real and the fake one, the praises flowing endlessly from his partner's mouth... All of this was mind-blowing. And after having heard some _: "How can ya be so fucking tight, babe"_ or _"Let yerself go, babe"_ or _"Oh shit, oh sh-shit baby, oh shit, keep going… I'm gonna fuckin 'cum"_ , he realised that he didn't care if Raph called him "babe" or "baby". It seemed ... right, in a way.

Leo hid the best he could of his erection, from Donatello's falcon glance. Thinking again of this moment turned him on too much and his brother was already quite suspicious. He sighed as he squeezed the ball to test his grip, and he thought of the evening at Raphael's adopted mother. The fireman had presented him as a "friend," but Ma had casted a knowing glance. This look had made Leo uncomfortable and made him wonder about his meaning.

Leo thought that perhaps Raph had other lovers, several, whom he presented to his Ma. Maybe Leo was nothing special for Raphael, maybe he had nothing that distinguished him from his other "friends" ". He realized with horror that he had never thought of using condoms with Raph. What if he caught a disease and gave it to Hazel?

His discomfort and almost panic had to be obvious as Raph gently squeezed his hand _ **, "That's okay, ya need something?"**_ Leo shook his head, his gaze avoiding the black man, and the latter then, told him softly not to worry about his mother _ **. "Ma sees me boyfriends everywhere."**_ She then _**shouted "Well, for that, you should bring someone, someday, first. You have never introduced me to anyone since the Mexican ".**_ As Raph explained in a neutral voice that Chade wasn't Mexican, Leo was overwhelmed with immense relief. He realized that he had been stupidly jealous and that made him think. What was Raphael for him? Why had the idea of not being special for Raph so upset him? He had decided to think about it later, alone, at home.

The meal had been simple, but tasty. They ate spaghetti with meatballs that were the size of baseball's ones and Leo had a brief thought for Hazel who made beef only once a week because its was so unhealthy. Leo had glanced at Raph who nervously crumbled his bread, after his mother had taken over her red wine, only opening wine on special occasions and not having one of the these since Casey had met April, she said. Embarrassed, Raph mumbled as he took the glass of wine: _**"It's just a friend, Ma, you know, the guy from the hospital."**_ Ma said she recognized Leo, " _ **for I wouldn't forget a beautiful man like you**_ " she added, winking.

They had spoken of the attacks, briefly in politics, of Donatello, that charming doctor (on this subject, Leo had seen Raph rolls his eyes) and about the father and the mother of the policeman. Raphael listened carefully, but didn't ask questions. He spoke only when his Ma shed tears, recounting the death of her husband, Casey's father. The black man stood up to comfort her and kindly helped her to take the dishes away.

But Ma was a woman whose emotions were changing as quickly as those of her adopted son. She wasn't going to cry for a man who died more than 20 years ago, when a beautiful stranger was there, accompanying her son. Then Leo had choked with his wine when, innocently, the woman had asked, " ** _Leonardo, you told us about your father, your brother and the death of your poor mother, but I wonder how such a charming man can be single?"_** As he coughed in the napkin, his thoughts went at all speed: Raph was unaware of the existence of Hazel. He had lost his wedding ring with his arm on September 11th and by a strange coincidence, Hazel had come to see him in the hospital only when Raph had slept or was absent. Was it a good time to announce it to Raph at the table with his mother, _"Oh, I forgot this detail, you slept with a married man?"_ His lover would be pissed off, and it was an understatement.

Leo ignored the question, trying not to lie: _**"I'm not so charming."**_ The mother exclaimed that if Leo was ten years older, she would tie him to her bed. The policeman, flushed at the brutal answer, took advantage of it to sneak into the bathroom, suspecting that Raph would surely make remonstrances to his mother, reproaching him for putting Leo uncomfortably during his absence. Leo had also used this time to see if he had any messages from his wife. It was only 8 pm and Hazel had not texted him, but he couldn't go home yet anyway, it would be rude.

Leo jumped as he was washing his hands, Raph had knocked on the door of the bathroom: **_"Man, I'm sorry, Ma is easily fussed. She promised not to embarrass ya with her questions again."_**

" _ **I understand",**_ Leo answered calmly. _**"All mothers, I suppose, wish the best for their sons and want to see them happy with somebody, to take care of them when they are gone. Mine, no doubt, if she were alive, would think so and look for me and would probably not worry if I'm looking for a relationship or not. '**_

 _ **"Are ya looking for a relationship?"**_ The question, as brutal as those of the mother, though asked in a more neutral voice, caught Leo by surprise. Did Raph meant a relationship in general or with him?

" _ **And you?"**_ Leo blurted, too shocked to think of an answer.

Raph shrugged his shoulders _ **: "Dunno".**_ The black man seemed nervous, at least, a moment

" _ **Come on, Ma wants to be forgiven with a piece of chocolate devil's cake"**_

Leo followed, and Raph's mother, a so malicious and dangerous woman, said _ **,**_

 _ **"I'm so sorry Mr. Hamato, I didn't want to put you uncomfortable, but my baby didn't bring anybody since that rabble Mexican! He was a thug, a bad influence for my son. Understand that, seeing a man like you, a captain of police, tidy, clean, polite and handsome, my mother's heart hoped".**_

She put the plate of cake in front of Leo and waited a moment. Even if she was a white woman, the face so expressive reminded Leo of his black lover. Probably that Raph had to take some traits from this woman so theatrical, during his childhood with her. She was holding back something and Leo didn't want to wait for what it was. They were at the dessert and Raph had just plugged in the kettle for Leo's tea. The policeman had calculated that he could leave in 40 minutes without appearing rude.

The captain had turned aside the conversation about Raphael himself and learned several things he didn't know, probably of the things that Raph himself would have liked him to continue ignoring, like for example, how she had learned the homosexuality of her son.

 _ **"He never even wanted to try with a woman, I wouldn't have grandchildren coming from my baby, and what a pity for a good-looking man like him! Don't you think my son looks good?"**_ She didn't wait for the answer, too excited by the situation of having a prospect for her son at the dinner table. _**"Since that Mexican thug was gone about four years ago, Raphie is single. I know he's not chaste and since the Mexican ... "**_

 _ **"Ma, for the last fucking time, he was Peruvian and I don't want ya to talk about it. Leo don't give a damn about Chame"**_

Ma shrugged: _**"Mexican, Peruvian, who cares? He was a criminal and gave you bad habits."**_ More harsh than necessary, Raph placed the steaming cup of tea in front of the policeman. _**"Leo has nothing to do with Chame, let's talk about other things."**_

" _ **Oh sure he don't… He has such good manners. He drinks tea, not beer or tequila or whiskey".**_ She was smiling and Leo thought that Chame must have had a hard time with Ma during his relationship with Raph _ **." You're not smoking, Captain, are you?"**_ The police's negative response delighted Ma and she gave a meaningful glance to her flushed son, who seemed to regret this dinner invitation with every fiber of his being.

Leo saw the last barriers of restraint of the woman disappear. Ma loved her baby madly and wanted, despite Raph himself and the laws of etiquette, to find him a good match and if possible, the captain himself. " _ **Don't you like my son? Is it because he is a man? You are not attracted to men? Or because he is black? I heard that black men were wonderful lovers, right? Or is it because of his bad habits from the Mexican thug? "**_

Raph stood up abruptly _ **: "That's enough! Don't put yer panties in a twist with that! I don't want a relationship, that's the reason! Will ya just drop it,"**_ Raph declared, with authority, in a hurry to close the subject.

Ma was not the kind the women to back down and was quick to reply, firmly _ **: "You do! You never invited the thug for a meal here, let alone prepare a cup of tea for him."**_

" _ **Yeah, I've never brought Chame here and I've just been remembered why. Come on, Leo, we're off."**_

The mother looked distressed and regretful _ **: "What, why?" He didn't even finish his tea! You're not coming here as much as you use to! You can stay another hour, right?"**_

Raph seemed angry, but an anger that was sad and embarrassed at the same time and didn't answers to his Ma and took Leo with him, taking him by his artificial arm. Raphael muttered, handing his coat to Leo, once downstairs in front of the door. _ **"Sorry, she hadn't had the opportunity for years to fuss over my case. We should have gone to the restaurant."**_ This filial embarrassment touched Leo. Ma loved her son, it was a cute and normal thing. Leonardo reassured the firefighter that he had no regrets for coming. Ma went downstairs and apologized over and over to Raphael, handing him a rest of chocolate cake in a Tupperware. Raphael literally pushed Leo outside, rushed to put as much distance as possible between his friend and his mother. Once in the parking lot, Raph seemed to breathe better _ **: "I don't think I've ever been so ashamed."**_

Leo smiled: _ **"It was quite funny."**_

Raph remained a moment without answering, and then made up his mind; " _ **So ya go home or ya spend the night with me?"**_ Leo blushed as he pictured the mental images of a fierce night with his black lover. It was late, Hazel would return in less than two hours surely. He had to be sleeping or reading in bed when she arrived. So, the policeman had decided to go home and Raphael seemed briefly disappointed. At the last moment, Raph had blurted _ **: "You have something planned tomorrow?"**_

Leo had opened his eyes wide: Raph wanted to see him again the next day or it was a casual question _ **? "I have an appointment with Donnie, do you remember?"**_ he quietly replied.

Raphael barely hesitated: " _ **Do ya wanna me to go with ya? I don't mind."**_

Leo shook his head: _**"It's only a visit for a few adjustments."**_

 _ **"I would have liked to see if yer brother would have gave ya a hard time as my mother did to me"**_ Raph shrugged as if he was not disappointed, that the police officer's refusal was not important, but Leo suspected that it was.

Leo had a fake smile. Donatello has been his bestman at his wedding. It was not a possibility that Raph met the doctor again _ **. "Donnie is not interested in my love or sexual life,"**_ he lied, osculting that Don had spent hours on their case of sterility, at him and Hazel.

Raph had opened his mouth and had closed it, recovering himself. " _ **I would kiss ya goodnigth, but I bet my Ma is watching us from the window. "**_

Leo looked over the firefighter's shoulder and saw the shadow of Ma distinctly." _ **Yes, you're**_ _**right. She's there "**_ Leo giggled nervously, finding the situation quite embarrassing but exciting at the same time. He had not finished laughing when Raph, after _**a "Fuck it! Let's give her a good show "**_ had passionately captured his lips, urgently pressing him against the door of his car. Leo had felt an immediate desire for the fireman, stroking his bounced and firm ass and devouring his black throat with kisses eagerly.

After a make-out that lasted for 15 minutes at least, as if they were horny teenagers, Raph offered him _ **: "Ya know, if you're free tomorrow, I'm too."**_ And Leo promised to try. Raph laughed at this: _**"Playing hard to get, huh?"**_ And Leo hadn't responded to that.

He jumped, forgetting Raph, when Donnie put a cold hand on his shoulder: " _ **Try to be more careful with, don't lean too hard on it, how's Hazel?"**_ Leo's throat knotted. Donnie rarely asked personal questions, which wasn't oriented towards his duty as a doctor _ **. "Well, I guess,"**_ Donnie raised his eyebrows. " _ **She's starting to work again, I wanted to know if it was not too much for her to handle. And you? How's works?"**_

Leo, whose discomfort grew, threw: "Well, I don't have time to get tired since I barely work." Donatello had stared at him for a long time, then said: _**"You look different, but not in such a bad way. If you need anything, you can tell me. Medication or prescription for psychotherapy.**_ _ **Anything "**_

" _ **I'm fine, Don, really! Thanks for your concern,"**_ Leo insisted. The captain only wanted to leave. Hazel had her yoga classes this afternoon and an appointment with the hairdresser. He had promised Raph to spend the whole afternoon with him. He left his brother's office, on the ninth cloud, playing erotic scenarios in his mind. He didn't see the heavy look of suspicion on Don's features.


	9. First appearance of the white lady

_**I hope that the story pleases you always, despite the change of author. My friend who verifies my approximate English could not do it today, so I am sending you a non-revised chapter and a later one tonight. I'm leaving for New York in 12 hours so I could not post until next Monday night at least**_ _ **. Please, remember that I am not good in English. I**_ _ **am doing my best. Thanks for the review. I like to know that it pleases, because writing in a foreign language is difficult ..**_

* * *

 **First appearance of the white lady**

* * *

Raphael was furious. As every morning, for almost a week, Leo had to pass quickly at breakfast time, before going to work. Raphael had to get up earlier than he would, around 6:30 am, to take a shower, brush his teeth and make tea, eggs and bacon. Leo was coming in, took two mouthfuls, three gulps and fucked him senseless on the table or the counter. Then, offering him a sweet kiss in thanks and going to work, leaving Raph alone until his visit in the afternoon or in the early evening, a visit as fast as that of the morning. Raphael felt like a secret mistress before Vietnam and he hated this feeling. But this morning, when he desperately needed him, Leo was not there and he hated the situation even more.

The day before, Raph, had for the first time, dared to question the policeman. That Leo was in a hurry in the morning, he could understand, but at 5:30pm, he didn't see the fucking emergency for Leo to leave. Sometimes his lover had appointments for his arm and that Raphael could conceive. But these appointments were not every day, and besides, he didn't understand why, already twice, in a week, Leo had refused his offer to accompany him to his brother, the doctor. Did Leo was ashamed of him?

Raph, since the meal at his Ma's, the previous week, wondered very much. Leo, as a good policeman, had managed to evade the questions of Raph as well as Ma's. Did Leo was looking for a romantic relationship? Did Leo and he were in a romantic relationship? Who knows? But Raph knew one thing: to his dismay, his Ma had seen clear in him. Raph wanted a romantic relationship with Leonardo, this elusive bastard, there was no doubt about it.

All these butterflies in the stomach when he thought of the policeman couldn't lie. Never had he felt so strongly the need for someone's presence. He had never felt his intestines twisting when thinking of Chame or had another pseudo boyfriend or lover. The problem was that it was impossible to know what the principal concerned was thinking. Leo spoke to him tenderly, gently caressed him, and fucked him hard, as they both loved, but Leo refused to give him more than three or four hours of his day. What was he supposed to do for the rest of his shitty day? He had not even a dinner to do, Leo not eating in the evening with him. The housekeeping was not very long, since he was alone almost all day. There was the gym, its only output and Raph spent all his frustration in his training, overdoing it in a senseless way, stopping to pump iron when he became too tired to even think.

Raph especially wanted to spend the night, the body of his lover coiled up against his, after a passionate love-making and get woken by the soft caresses of the lips of Leo on his chest. Raph thought this was not an excessive demand. He didn't ask Leo to move with him, shit! Besides, he wondered why he had never been at Leo's. The captain of police, having an income higher than double, must have a more spacious apartment than his own. It was not that being in his apartment always bothered him, but he didn't go out often and wanted to learn more about his lover, seeing where he lived. So, the day before, after 6 days in so much wondering, Raph had had enough and wanted to overthrow the walls of Leonardo. It was the evening of Halloween and although it was not an important event, for adult men without children like them, he wanted to do something special with his lover, even if it was as simple as giving somes candies to costumed kids. So, he had refused the afternoon sex. _**"Why I would give ya what ya want when ya give me nuttin? I'm fucking tired of seeing ya leave, I dunno where or why, leaving me alone all evening, mopping in front of my phone waiting for the text messages of great Leonardo? You empty your balls and you go and I'm fed up! I'm sick of yer shit! Stay this night or screw yersef. "**_ And to his great distress, Leo had given him a sorry smile and had gone away. He just turned his back as if Raph was no more worth than some dirt under his shoes.

Leo had left and hadn't given any sign of his existence during the whole evening. Raph, having ransacked his apartment, had sat down and had smoked his pipe for nearly two hours, in order to calm down. But his silent phone kept reminding him that Leo existed somewhere in the city and ignored him deliberately. This thought made him suffer physically, like a tumor. He had suddenly recalled the bag of cocaine, bought the week before, and without thinking twice, had snorted the powder. He had felt better about twenty minutes later and had gone out to Dusty's, so high, drinking and paying drink to his friends and he had gone home at 2am, completely wasted and so down.

The next day, he had risen despite everything, in case Leo would come. Raph had a medical appointment that day to see if he could go back to work. He had thought of asking Leo to accompany him, because it was important to him and he would have loved to have his so-called"friend" with him, but for that, this damn cocksucker should have been there. Anyway, who's need this fucker? Not him.

The medical appointment didn't go well. Was it because of his reddened eyes, his hoarse voice or the fact that he arrived late, not a big deal, just 25 minutes too late, hoping until the last second that Leo popped up and then, realizing that no, Leo wouldn't come, making a detour for a new dose of white lady?

So, Raphael's return to work had been postponed, with his medical leave extended by another numbing four weeks. Raph had been so frustrated that, arrived at his apartment, he had written to Leo, accusing him to be responsible: _"U, scumbag, u so upset me and pissed me off that they just extended my fucking medical leave."_ Leo had answered, only two minutes later: " _Honey, I'm deeply sorry, do you want me to come over? If you forgive me, we can even eat together tonight."_ This would be the first time in a week they would dine together and, also, the first time Leo gave him a nickname. The resentment of Raph melted like snow under the sun and he replied something casual, meaning _"why not"_ when a relief from the power of a tsunami left him trembling.

Leo had come, they had ordered from the Chinese restaurant and Leo had made love to him twice, with incredible passion. He had said nothing important to explain his behavior, only that he was sorry and that Raph had missed him. The fireman had hated himself for the butterflies he felt at the mere assertion of his lover, when it was only words and the actions of the policeman didn't confirm them so much, except for the sexual aspect.

Raph had forgiven, not wanting Leo to leave him alone again. He had once again felt the loneliness, the feeling of having his heart crushed, abandoned, a thousand times worse than when Chame had been deported. Chame hadn't chosen to leave Raph, as Leo had chosen to forget him. And Raph, even if he didn't treat him well, like a real boyfriend would, loved that asshole of Leo a thousand times more.

Cupid was so a bitch!

Raphael promised himself that he would never give Leo an opportunity to leave him until he became as much in love as himself. He will control his damn temper and be more independent. Enough of pathetic Raph. He will find something to fill the pain of loneliness.

Yeah, he will be as patient as an angel, holding back his feelings and not be too confronting with Leo, he promised to himself, by taking his pipe under the couch. He will slowly conquer Leo by breaking down his barriers. And, he would return, proud and truly happy, for a dinner at his Ma's with his awesome and really his, official boyfriend.

* * *

2 WEEKS LATER:

The smell, so typical, welcomed him before he reached Raph's door. He was smoking again. While Leo's visits to the firefighters had increased during the last few weeks, he had to admit that, almost every time, Raph was high, and lately, even, all the time.

Raph was smoking his pot when Leo arrived. He would also lit his pipe as soon as Leo would left, before that he would even pass through the door, when he had failed to keep Leo for the night, or at least for a longer time, to have time to eat a meal or see a movie, as real lovers would. Raphael's broken and unhappy look, every time he stretched out his arm to take his pipe as Leo passed the door, would crush Leo's soul. And yet, he refused to see a correlation between his inexplicable behavior and Raph's smoking habit. It must have been the Towers. Raph was having hard times forgetting and getting over it. It had to be that.

Maybe Raph didn't know that the pot bothered him. Perhaps Raph didn't realize that he was smoking that much. He had to move forward, he had to forget the Towers otherwise than by getting high, in order to convince his boss to take him back to work. Maybe if Leo would gently explain his concern for his well-being, Raph would understand and smoke only occasionally, as it seems to be, before the tragedy of the September 11.

Determined, Leo opened the door, not surprised by the view in front of him. Raph was slumped on his couch, his pipe between his fingers, as he drew a puff, his eyes half closed.

 _ **"Finally, you decided to show up ..."**_ he declared, idly. But Leo knew that this nonchalance was only a lure, only more convincing because of the drug. Raphael was truly irritated. And stoned. Its was easy to guess, by his reddened eyes, his vacant expression and his embarrassed elocution, not to mention the smoky air of the apartment.

It was only 5:15 pm, but Leo could see that it wasn't Raph's first smoke of the day. He had to fill the gap between his question and Leo's answer, and then between the time he had promised to arrive, 4 pm, and the present moment. That made a lot of buds, lighted in the pipe. Leo also advised the bottle, on the table, whose contents had fallen drastically since the last time. Leo, in addition to his health, began to fear for Raph's income. He had to make him understand that it was not a healthy way to cope for the trauma.

Yes, Raph was stoned, again, but most of all, irritated, an angry flash piercing through his glazed eyes, in the direction of his supposed lover.

Irritated, ulcerated and even furious and, the worst of all that was that he had reason to be. Leo hoped that he could avoid confrontation, that his lover would be too happy to see him, to be able to touch him, to linger on something else. He should have foreseen that it was impossible, and prepare for the avalanche of rancor, questions, complaints and insults. Raphael, even high as fuck, as it seemed to be at the moment, was not so easy to distract from his gloomy and angered thoughts.

Raph was angered by the fact that he had to insist so much for Leo to come at him, as if it was a chore, and he would always receive his answer more than three hours later, with a half-baked excuse, to explain the delay between Raph's text and the police captain's reply. And also, Raph was upset, that Leo had arrived so late, later than he had promised and doubtless, as usual, to have to leave early, very early, and to probably refuse, once more, to stay with his lover for the night.

Leo opened his mouth, but Raph cut off the justification he didn't want to hear, for he had heard too much. He stood up with a lot of precipitation for a man drenched by marijuana and forced his tongue into Leo's mouth, causing him to taste his breath spiced by weed.

Leo's need to breathe, after a long moment, made him broke the kiss more harshly than necessary. Raph's wandering hands, which had already started to unbuckle his belt, ceased. His amber eyes, blurry and uncertain, seeking an answer, asking a question.

Leo stepped back, but remained within reach. He tried to speak softly and compassionately, but still in a serious way. He wanted Raph to understand, without offending him, that he was worried by his addiction.

" _ **You know, Raph, maybe you should slow down. Smoking that much weed is not good for you. I know the attacks are hard to forget. They are for me too,"**_ Leo explained, sadly referring to his mechanical arm and brushing his forehead, as if to show that this day haunted his memory for eternity, " _ **but you have to find another way to get through it."**_

" _ **Oh yeah? To get through?"**_ retorted aggressively Raphael, taking back one step after shoving Leo away from him, then pacing like a wild animal in a cage. _**"What do you want me to do to get through my shitty days? What do you want me to do with this fucking medical leave between the few visits you give me, uh? When you feel in a mood for a good fuck!"**_ he yelled, barely containing his tremors of rage and despair.

So that was it, as Leo suspected, despite his attempts to hush that voice inside of him that shouted that he was a hypocritical and selfish bastard and that all this was going to end pretty badly.

Yes, no hiding around the bush anymore: the real issue was there, the real urge, for Raph to appease his suffering by smoking drugs. Its was not the terrorist's attacks. Its was Leo himself. He knew it, inside of his heart, even though he was trying to lie to himself, pretending that Raph was fine with their "relationship". Raph was not and Leo could not claim to be surprised.

More and more, the taller man showed him, as the days passed, that he wanted more than a few hours a week, under the sheets with him for only doing sweet kissing and hard fucking, before that Leo would turn his back before midnight as a damn Cinderella. Leo would have liked that too, to stay all night long, waking up, encircled by his muscular arms and his scent of burnt cinnamon, but he couldn't do that, and it would just left his lover desolated and confused. Raph, without having cornered him, confronted him directly or given him an ultimatum, yet, since the last incident, was growing impatient. His cool behaviour cracked, finally, showing more and more clear distress in the lasts few days.

The first times when Leo had refused to stay longer, three weeks ago, had not provoked too much reaction from Raph, who wanted to prove that he was independent or cool, except the day of Halloween, but Leo must have suspected that they might eventually get there. As a fool, he had hoped that it wouldn't happen so fast.

It wasn't the first time that Raphael, forgetting his cool guy attitude, verbally complained that he wouldn't see Leo as often as he wanted to, or that Leo wouldn't stay long enough, despite Leo's attempts to evade the subject. Like the last ten times, Leo could only sigh and pray that Raph would be satisfied with his lame excuse.

The policeman could not give him the legitimate reason, convinced that the other male would be furious or upset, if he'd knew. Raph couldn't learn that two miles away, another person had legitimate rights over Leo. He would be so upset and Leo didn't want to hurt Raph. Raphael was, like him, deeply traumatized by the attacks. He was already crumbling, it would be too much to handle for him

Raphael had seen, like him, the fragility of a human life. He couldn't hurt Raph, but he couldn't give him what he claimed either; his daily presence. So, he would use his work as an alibi, and the more time would pass, the less would Raphael believed in it. Leo was caught or, if he wasn't yet, he would be very soon, obviously.

The fact that Raph, on the other hand, hadn't returned yet to work, didn't help the fireman. Raph was a man of action. Alone, idle, apparently abandoned by his so-called lover, he had all the time in the world to dwell on the void of his life.

Leo had to accept this fact: it wasn't 9/11, all atrocious had it been, with his pieces of corpses, that was the reason that urged Raphael to drown the present into drugs. No. The real problem in Raph's life was Leo and his commitment in their relationship.

Raphael, maybe out of uncertainty of how this would be received, or out of pride, had never told him that he loved him. Actually, he would use similar expression sometimes, but nothing as dangerously simple as "I love you". Leo wouldn't say it either, so as not to complicate matters unnecessarily. If they didn't say anything, Leo could claim that Raph's feelings weren't that strong, and therefore, that he was fine. But he could no longer hide from the reality: Raph was really upset, because he had actually fell in love with him, sincerely and fiercely. And Leo had to admit that he, too, loved the black man. Deeply.

But how to convince him, that he really cares, when Leo would refuse, every night, to stay with him until morning, in spite of Raphael's attempts to seduce him? How could Leo persuade him when, more often than he would have liked, he had left Raph's messages unanswered?

Raphael had the right to question it, to mop, to curse Leo in his bed, alone, at night and promise to never have sex with him again, that jerk. Leo didn't want his lover to think he wasn't important, or that he only used him in a sexual way. He loved Raph, even if it was wrong, prohibited, immoral and irrational. He really did. As much as his wife.

But how could he explain that? Neither Raph nor Hazel seemed to be the kind of person to accept to share him and, well, Leo couldn't tell them off for that. His wife and lover had to live in different worlds, for the sake of both of them. Both would be much too hurt if they'd knew that Leo was cheating on them, stroking their hair with as much love and kissing each of them with the same passion.

Even if it was bad and egoistic, Leo didn't want to leave either of them. Each of them brought him well-being and comfort, in their drastically different ways. He needed this. The love of both of them.

He could not bring himself to renounce to his lover, so strong and passionate, as he refused to divorce Hazel, who was such a good wife! Leo was filled and still greedy, he knew it, while the man before him had only him, and for so little time in a week. He couldn't always say "no" to Raph, to seek compensations or substitutes for his absence and his obvious lies. Its was unfair.

So, if the marijuana brought him a tiny piece of peace, he couldn't tell him off, when he, himself, slept in fresh washed sheets, the delicate body of his wife, coiled up against his own, after making love to her, while Raph had nothing. And marijuana was not such a big deal. He knew that Donnie had already smoked pot in college and he had remained a genius despite that. Colleagues smoked weed at the police station, but neither he nor Karai or their superiors. But what did he really know? He told himself that the pot could have done good to Karai, who was far too stressed, like himself. No, Leo, unable to offer himself, as he wished, could leave his pipe to his lover. Marijuana was commonplace. It was not a hard drug like cocaine.

Leo made a gesture of surrender, with his mechanical arm, but Raph interrupted again, abruptly:

" _ **Don' even try to make me believe this bullshit; yer not coming back from work. Ya don' even wear your uniform, ya fucking bastard!"**_

Not satisfied yet, he took a last puff and said, sitting down, anger lacered his voice:

" _ **Yer losing your touch, Captain. Yers damn lies and alibis are no longer credible. Work harder for yers cover! Maybe I smoke too much, but I'm not as dumb as ya seem to think than I am!"**_

With his heart tight in his chest, Leo could only agree with his lover. He actually was a fucking bastard. He was about to tell another lie about a last-minute meeting with Karai, not being able to tell he had actually gone home, encouraging Hazel who was nervous because of a presentation she had to do at the museum. Well, she was also nervous because she was ovulating, but he'd rather not mention that, nor even think about it, for it made him feel even more an incredible jerk. He had made love to Hazel with tenderness in their bedroom, while Raph lost himself in drugs, waiting for him, waiting for Leo to make love to him, too.

While hatred of himself made him sick, and his lover looked at him with sad rage, a thought flourished into Leo's mind. His rush to join Hazel was also du to the fact that she was leaving for a four-day convent in Washington. Four days when he could satisfy, appease his lover, dwelling with him, making love to him over and over, until Raph would no longer be suffering. Finally, he could give him what his painful soul wanted: intimacy, time with the one whom, by no doubt, he wanted to see as his boyfriend, despite the fact that Leo didn't deserve that title at all.

Leo chased away his dark thoughts and decided to take that on the bright side. He had the possibility to please his lover, to put a smile on his full, sulky lips, he loved so much.

He kissed him suddenly, by impulse, almost with violence. Raph always succeeded in causing him to experience emotions so strong that he would lose control. In fact, he could not control anything when it came to Raphael.

" _ **I'm so sorry for today, Raph, but I'm going to make up for it tomorrow, I can't stay tonight, but afterwards I won't leave this apartment until Tuesday, unless you throw me out,"**_ he promised, his voice hoarse, after the kiss.

He saw the doubt still expressed on the face of his lover, Raph had already been too disappointed, hurt and cheated. It wasn't what he needed as comfort. It wasn't enough to soothe him and heal his wounds. Impulsively, in his desire to heal the bleeding heart of the fireman, Leo continued: **"Don't be sad, my sweet treasure, I love you, so much"** while caressing the jaw of the other, tenderly.

He barely had time to see Raph's features, contorting with strong emotions and softening. The other man's lips crashed against his in a fierce kiss.

" _ **I love you too, you impossible jerk,"**_ Raph murmured with passion and conviction, delighted to hear the words he wanted and to finally be able to answer them, with words that has been burning his lips, since more than two weeks. Raph was not the kind of guys who loved to hold back anything, even less his feelings. The last barrier had broken down, the flood of Raph's passion free to express itself, now, threatening to swallow the rest of the reason from the police captain. Leo swallowed his saliva, listening to the confession he had himself provoked. They were now in the open, what his conscience had wished to avoid from the beginning.

He went deeper into adultery, the situation becoming more and more dangerous and risky and could no longer end, now, without damage. Now realizing that, his feelings alone were no longer the only ones involved. Raph's too.

What did he have in mind, engaging in an affair? It was insane! It was written in the sky, that his pretty normal life, was gonna go down in flames!

A second kiss, as passionate as the first, left Leo breathless, emptying his head of his thoughts, while Raph directed him towards the bedroom, murmuring sweet things to his ear, as lascivious as they were naughty. Maybe the present high would worth the future pain. Maybe everything would be ok, if he was careful enough.

After penetrating the warm, silky flesh, which firmly enclosed him, which he had became more addicted to than Raph to his pipe, Leo had forgotten all the concerns and cares of the world.


	10. A blow job and a promotion

A blow job and a promotion

* * *

Leo had arrived the next day, Friday, at 8:30 am, even earlier than agreed with his black lover. Hazel had offered to take a taxi to the airport and he had jumped at the opportunity. From the taxi out of sight, he had taken a suitcase and filled it with clothes for 4 days, but no pajamas. He knew that his lover's body would keep him warm. He brought his uniform, so as not to have to come back on Monday morning, hoping that Raph would have an iron.

The return plane from Hazel was to land on Tuesday night at 10pm. He intended to spend every possible minute with Raph. He had an appointment in the afternoon with Donnie today. He didn't know what to do with it. Raph had asked him, at least six times, to go with him to the doctor, claiming that Usagi had the right to do so. It was also another issue.

Although he had never seen Leo's friend, he was extremely jealous of him, for inadvertently Leo had spoken of Usagi, who had helped him with a plumbing problem at his house. Usagi had privileges that Raph didn't have, like going to Leonardo's and accompanying him to the doctor and the fireman had complained a lot about that. Raph had even believed that Leo had always had a love affair with Usagi and convincing him otherwise had been very arduous. The policeman had no choice: either to bring Raph home, with the framed photographs of his marriage with Hazel everywhere, her many vintage dresses and her collection of porcelain cats, not to mention the yellow baby room almost ready or at Donatello's. The choice was easy. Donnie, in any case, didn't care much about his brother's friendships.

As soon as he arrived, Raph, already awake, seeing his suitcase and realizing that his lover was going to stay as promised, pushed him into the couch, snatched his pants and sucked his cock enthusiastically, licking and kissing his balls and entrance, fingering him and teasing his prostate until Leo fell apart and swallowing his bitter cum greedily. They made love then, but with Raph as the top dog, what happened rarely, only when Raph felt particularly happy. Leo didn't mind the shift, if Raph wag glad, he was too.

Then, they took breakfast in bed, as Raphael dreamed of doing for 3 weeks straight. They took their shower together, made love again and Leo announced that it was time for his appointment with Donatello. When he learned that he could accompany him, Raph had an expression of intense contentment. The heart of Leo nevertheless tightened in front of this mark of need for validation of his lover. Unfortunately, he had to lay down conditions to restrict the demonstrations of his black lover's public affection. If not, Raph would wreck everything: Donnie didn't care what Leo could do, as long as he was healthy, alive and happy. But, how much Donnie will mind his own business? He was a genius and to awaken his doubts, it took less than a very passionate man as the fireman was.

He offered to take his car and, subtly, prepared the fireman for his trickery. _**"You're going to go with me to Donnie, since it sounds so important to you, but you're likely to be bored. My brother takes his job very seriously and sometimes it takes two hours if something bugs him. I thought you could go to the sex shop at less than 10 minutes from Donnie, with my car. Get us some kinky surprises for the weekend.'**_ Leo had hoped his suggestion would be enticing enough to convince Raph and so, keep him away from Donnie's office at least 40 minutes, but the firefighter frowned _ **: "Usagi stays with ya during the whole appointment, right? I can be as patient as yer best bud"**_ he snarled. _**"We'll go after the appointment. We do both annoying and exciting things together, like real couples do**_." he declared firmly, before shutting himself up abruptly.

Its was a slip of the tongue, made in the passion of the moment, but it was this kind of slip of the tongue that could ruin everything at Don's office. Raph, once he fully realized what he had said, glanced sideways at Leo and he wondered if it was the fireman's tongue that had slip or whether for days Raph had been waiting for an opportunity to say something like this. The black man was waiting for a confirmation and Leo sighed: _**"You win, we'll go together, but do not complain if you're bored."**_

 _ **"I won't"**_ Raph replied eagerly, smiling as a child to whom his father had just offered the biggest ice cream, dipped in chocolate and covered with sweets, at Dairy Queen _ **. "I love you, sweetheart, so, so much."**_ Leo whispered. It wasn't the wisest thing to say in this situation and Raph's raw passion didn't need gasoline, but he can't help it. Raph was so real, so pure and honest. The policeman really loved him. Leo kissed his lover fiercely, at the red light, just before Don's.

At the last minute, before going down, to avoid Raph asking too many questions, Leo warned him to remain decent and not to display anything but friendship. The face of his lover writhing out of anger: _**"What the fuck?" Ya said ya loved me and sucked my face just 2 minutes ago? What the damn problem with yer bro? I wasn't ashamed to make out with ya in front of my Ma!"**_

Leo had no choice. The only way out was to lie: _**"Donnie doesn't know I'm ... bisexual, I don't want to tell him so brutally."**_ Raph frowned: _**"And yer buddy Usagi, then ... Ya fucked with him more than one year. How did yer brother, supposedly so brilliant, haven't guessed it?**_ " _**"He was too caught up in his medical studies,"**_ said Leo, knowing that Don was so aware of his relationship with Usagi, that he had given him a textbook on the healthy practice of sodomy.

Raphael remained silent for a moment _ **. "Was that the only reason for yer refusal, before?"**_ Leo nodded.

 _ **"Okay then ... but ya have to start preparing it. Ma catched me to making out, on my bed, with a high school friend and you saw her, she's fine with it.**_ _**Yer brother will not be different. And yer dad? He knows it?**_ " Leo refused to drag his honorable father into his lies and deceits. _**"Let's go down, Donnie is a very busy man, I don't want to keep him waiting. Be simple, don't overdo it. I'm a new friend, only that. "**_ Leo explained, one last time.

" _ **I want a big reward for that, "**_ muttered the fireman, sulky. He wanted, so badly, showing off their love in front of the doctor. He knew that it was childish, but he thought that if Leo's family knew and accepted their relationship, the policeman would give himself more in their couple life.

Donnie just opened the door and Raph saw that the doctor immediately recognized him and didn't seem very happy to see him there. Leo's brother had acted with a very professional coolness in the hospital, and although Raphael was no longer his patient but a friend of his brother, Donatello seemed to have identified him as a trouble. At the hospital, Raph had believed this haughty attitude was due to exhaustion and a great anxiety for Leo and his arm, but here, while slightly embarrassed, Leo made the presentations, he couldn't deny it: his presence displeased to the doctor and not just a little. Raph shrugged his shoulders: he didn't care whether Leo's brother liked him or not. It didn't make things any easier, but if Donatello was a douchebag, its wasn't Raph fault, nor Leo.

He decided, because his lover was nervous, to make things easier and not to talk at all. He watched the sports news and played a card game on his phone and there, he got a text message from Casey. His brother reproached him for sulking their Ma for three weeks exactly and not having any news from him. He invited him to dinner at their apartment of his own and April, alone or with his "friend". April wanted to know if he would be there or not, right away, to do the shopping for the meal. Their Ma will not be here, but Casey asked him to call the poor woman and Raph made a loud sigh despite himself.

Leo turned his blue-gray eyes toward him: _**"What the matter Raph? I warned you that it was boring."**_ Donnie wasn't looking, concerned about the connectors of the arm. _**"That's not that, my brother invites me to his place tonight, he wants me to call Ma, because of the last time, ya know?"**_ The doctor didn't seem to care about their conversation, but Leo gave him a worried look. Raph couldn't resist pushing his luck. After all, this didn't go beyond the friendship.

" _ **My bro's girlfriend wants to know how many people will be there".**_ Leo glared at him, not misunderstanding the meaning of the question and thinking that Donnie, under his professional air, had to understand it as well.

Leo wanted to shrug his shoulders, but Don holds him back with a _**"tsss"**_ of disapproval. _**"I don't know Raph, but you can go out to make your phone call. Donnie need silence to focus.**_

Ulcerated, as it seemed that the features of the doctor expressed satisfaction at seeing him thrown out of his cabinet by Leo, Raph came out. He understood that Leo, having such an asshole as a brother, wanted to go slowly with him, but Raph didn't have to pay for it, damn it!

Pissed off, outside the doctor's house with nothing to let off steam, he called Casey directly. His brother, inviting him, had reopened a wound. Since dinner at Ma, three weeks ago, his relationship with Leo wasn't more official and he was sick of playing the "he's just a friend" act about him. That gave him the air of a cunt, his deep love for the policeman was more than apparent, even more for his family. He didn't even say _"Hello"_ to his brother and attacked: _**"I had enough damn dinner for a lifetime, at least. Leave me alone, shit!"**_

 _ **« Relax, man",**_ got angry Casey, " _ **I thought it would just be nice to meet your new boyfriend. Ma said he's a good man for you.**_ " The honest explanation upset Raph deeply. He knew as well that Leo was a good man for him. Damn, is was obvious at all. Only this motherfucker of Leonardo seemed unaware of this fact. Or maybe the policeman wasn't convinced that he, Raphael, was a good man for him, as he feared increasingly, as his lover evaded all his attempts.

And Leo was not yet officially his boyfriend, no matter what Casey and his Ma thought, despite that Raph sucked off the captain every day. He had let slip a word on them as "a couple" earlier, but that sneaky son of a bitch of Leonardo had yet managed to dodge the matter, too smoothly to raise issues, as always.

Raph couldn't explain it to his brother without looking like a fool. He sighed, _**"Case, I just want to stay in private for a while, maybe later, man."**_

 _ **"What do you mean « for a while »? No one ever sees you, now!"**_ Casey's anxiety was obvious " _ **One of our common friends, I don't tell you who, told me he saw you completely fucked up at Dusty's, two week ago. He was worried. I'm worried. Ma says that your friend is a good guy, but if you're to isolate yourself and be geeked, I prefer you single, bro."**_

Raphael struggled with the temptation to hang up: Casey had good intentions and most of all, he didn't want him to tell the episode of Raph coked up, to their Ma. She would be worried too and she could blame Leonardo for that. His Ma was still blaming Chame for his marijuana pipe, four years later. Raph wished that, in case his relationship with Leo should become official, as he wishes, his family would keep a good opinion of the captain.

 _ **"Listen, Case ... Leo is a man who works a lot and you know he lost an arm during the attack… I'm at the doctor's office with him right now, I don't have much time alone with him and I want to spend some intimate moment, ya know…"**_

Casey said nothing for a moment and then, posed the worst possible question ever for Raphael, now: _**"Does he make you happy?".**_ It was a damn fucking complicated question. Leo made him happy like nobody could, when he was with him, but depress as hell, when he left. But Leo was going to spend the whole weekend with him and he introduced Raph to his brother, the asshole in the lab coat _ **. "I love him,"**_ he whispered. This wasn't the answer to the question, but Raph had no other to give.

The man on the phone gave a long sigh:

 _ **« Well ... you almost have 29 years old, man, so I wouldn't tell you what I think. I guess you know what you're doing. When you're ready to see other people, call me**_ » Casey answered before hanging up, leaving Raph tormented. He knew that his brother would not denounce him to their Ma, but he knew that Casey would not drop the case, neither.

With the comment of his brother, he suddenly remembered that Thanksgiving and his birthday was approaching. Raph had never made much of his birthday, but Ma, yes, and always celebrated it on Thanksgiving Day, in the same week as the day he was born. If Raph didn't come of his own free will, for eating the fucking turkey and the damn mashed potatoes, Ma or Casey, or both, would literally pull him out of his apartment, through his braids, to her home.

And after, it will be Christmas. It had been so long that he hadn't had someone to share the holiday season with.

He nervously passed his hand through his tight braids. He had no reason to worry: Christmas was far away; Thanksgiving too and the weekend ahead will be fantastic. Leo had spoken of going to the sex shop and he was finally going to sleep and wake up with his lover in his arms, after this kinky bastard made him scream of pleasure all night long with theirs new sex toys.

He decided to return to Leo and at the same time, plant the seed. Leo and he never spoke of birthday or holiday. Himself was unaware of Leo's birthday. But what he knew was that if he presented himself on next thursay, without Leonardo, he would have to answer a lot of questions and Leo would be discredited for ever. It couldn't happen. He couldn't bear it.

The stress took him by the throat. He needed courage: the situation was bad, Raphael was afraid that Leo would refuse, without giving reason, as usual or that he insists too much and that Leo turns the back without a glance behind him as the last time, the day of Halloween.

Besides, Leo was with his damn brother with whom Raph had to pretend to be a friend to Leo, which obviously had far more trouble to do for him than for the captain himself. Acting as if Leonardo was indifferent, just a friend, seemed very easy to the policeman. Natural. Was he just a friend to Leonardo? Did Leo have other friends of the same kind? Other friends to whom he whispered sweet words of love and that he would fuck ruthlessly, after?

The jealousy, the insecurity, the anxiety to ask for something simple like to come to his birthday, the day of Thanksgiving, and fear even to be told no, made Raphael collapse. He walked into the doctor's office and immediately headed to the bathroom next to the exam room. He hadn't taken cocaine for two weeks, well not much, really. A rail, sometimes in the afternoon, when Leo didn't answer his text messages, but not to often and every evening when Leo left him to his empty bed. He always kept a bag on him, now, in case the vacuum would take him somewhere, as if it was a parachute.

He lined up two lines with his credit card, pulled out his little metal straw of the pocket of his jacket and snorted them one after the other. Then, he looked at himself for a moment in the mirror, over the sink, until he realized that the drug was going to do his thing quickly enough for him to face his lover. A part of his mind knew that, to get jacked up in front of a policeman and a doctor, was not prudent. But Raphael was way too stressed out for giving a damn about caution.

On leaving the bathroom, finally, after making sure that his nose had no trace of sugar, he heard the doctor talking before he came in _ **. "Leo, I know you, I've never seen you so tired of my life, you don't work 15 hours a week at the station and I wonder if it's not too much! Insurance even pays maintenance service for your backyard!**_ _**You don't have to mow the lawn or pick up the leaves! Do you still wake up to the dawns for your fucking jogging or your crazy meditation! You can do it at any other time of the day! You harass me to work full time again, but I wouldn't allow it under these conditions. "**_

Raph's heart contracted. How Leo, who left him to work and come see him again, only after his work, could only less than 15 hours a week? He clenched his fists. He knew it from the beginning: Leo was lying to him. A lot. Suddenly, the only idea of being able to bring Leo to his birthday, as a real boyfriend, seemed to him unfeasible. Leo pretended to love him, but that wasn't true. If he had so much free time, Leo would pass them with him. Raphael had never been an emotional addict. Affectionate, passionate and fierce, but never that kind of love junkie. And it must have been for a man so temperate in his affection! Leo became expressive with his cock. His cock loved Raphael. Truly. But, for the rest, this asshole lied as he breathed.

Leo's brother seemed concerned and mumbled a _**" I come back» and**_ passed by Raphael. The doctor gave him a more meaningful look than a _"Not Trespassing, Private Land"_ sign, but Raph didn't give a damn.

The blue almond shaped eyes settled on him and Leo made him one of those sad, enigmatic smiles that Raph seriously began to hate _ **. "Hey Raph, what did your brother want?"**_ Leo asked gently. How could a being with such a sweet voice could be a motherfucker liar _ **? "I already told ya, a dinner"**_ he answered harshly. _**"Oh, are we going? I was looking forward to seeing your Ma again."**_ Raph, destabilized by the answer, forgot his rancor and rage a moment.

 _ **« Ya want to go there?"**_ The fireman asked in amazement. " _ **It's our first weekend together and I want to do whatever please you, my love."**_ Leonardo replied, serious.

 _ **"I've already refused, I want to be with ya, only ya, I want all yer attention, for once."**_ He tried to control his anger: Leo had spoken of the first weekend, so he would have another one. Leo would have accepted dinner, so he might come to Thanksgiving. Leo had called him « my love »...

No, he wouldn't allow himself to be coaxed again.

Leo smiled: _**"I may not give you all the time you want, but when I'm with you, you have all my attention."**_

Raph couldn't deny that, even if it was only the attention of Leo's cock he had, especially, but he was still pissed off about the 15 hours. The black man opted for an indirect confrontation. It wasn't the best place or time to do it, but he couldn't wait, anger boiling his coked-up blood.

 _ **« So, you too, ya get your medical leave extended"**_ Raph asked, with an angry smile.

Leo sighed, _**"No, I'm going to work full time in two weeks. I have already started working more, 4 full days. I have another doctor for that.**_ _**Long story, I'll explain later. If Donnie knows, he'll be furious, "**_ Leo said, lowering his voice.

Raphael said nothing, then: _ **I want a fucking good explanation, because I wait all day long a jerk who works a dozen hours a week, only.**_

Leo promised, but was interrupted by indignant oaths. Donatello returned and his anger was impressive to see. Instinctively, Raphael, seeing the doctor rushing over to his brother, with the evident intention of shaking him or striking him, placed himself between them. _**"You dirty little hypocrite, I knew, I knew it,"**_ shouted the doctor from behind Raphael, trying to push the muscular black man. _ **"You went back to see one of those incapables to get a paper to go back to work! I don't care if you're going to be named the new deputy inspector of the precinct in December.**_ _**You're not ready! You hardly stand up! But, you can lie in your coffin with your uniform and your new badge. I'm done with you!**_ "yelled Donnie, throwing his arms in the air. _ **"Now get out of my office and fuck up your life, I don't give a shit about you anymore"**_

Raph wanted to intervene, finding the words unnecessarily harsh. He was once again ready to defend Leo, against all. His lover hadn't lied to him. With his work, his new promotion, his appointments with two different doctors, his lover could be busy. His heart was filled with pride, although it was not the moment. His boyfriend would be a deputy inspector, in charge of the precinct. So, what about the crazy bitch? He didn't ask the question, on his ninth cloud, thinking what Ma would say, knowing his lover so high-ranked.

But Leo holds him back and without a word, got up to go out. Raphael followed him, geeked, not angry or suspicious anymore, glad to no longer be in the oppressive office with the dirty rat in the lab coat that Leo called his brother and so excited to spend a weekend alone with his lover to celebrate his promotion.

As soon as they sat in the car, Raph kissed him passionately, while they were still standing in front of Donnie's. Leo slowly broke the kiss _ **: "What's going on with you? You looked like mad, just five minutes ago, why change?"**_

" _ **Stop complaining, dumbass and drive us to the 7 eleven "**_ replied, eagerly the other man.

Leo, in a hurry not to be visible from Donnie's windows, turned the ignition key _ **. "Why?**_ » did he ask, curious about the reason for going to a convenience store _**"We'll park behind and I'll give ya the blow-job of your life."**_ Raphael explained, too much excited for the understanding of Leo.

" _ **You are crazy? That can wait until you get home, right? It is very tempting, but we are daytime in the open. What's into you? "**_ Leo frowned, despite he started to be turned on. Hazel never gave him a fellatio and he began to be addicted at all those giving by his generous lover.

 _ **" Yar going to have a promotion. That's the reason ya were so busy. Not because you didn't care about me. I would never doubt ya again, babe. I'm so excited. My awesome boyfriend will be deputy inspector."**_ He exclaimed, too far excited to watch his word and monitoring Leo's expression at.

The joy of Raph was so beautiful to see, more breathtaking than a sunrise. Raph couldn't have known that Leo had applied to the post in an attempt not to go to his lover anymore. He had blamed his free time for his inability to resist the temptation to see the black man. He had seen a doctor, affiliated with the police station, and learned at the same time that Karai became an inspector in the neighboring precinct. He had been offered the position for his 13 years of service and courage, but Leo knew it was a compensation for his arm. He had thought that, busy, he wouldn't think of deceiving Hazel with the fireman anymore. But he was wrong and Leo used the promotion to explain to Hazel his delays at home and the fact that he was leaving earlier the morning. Not having Karai, still around him, to breathe on his neck, in two weeks was a consolation, but the surplus of responsibilities, juggling with his double life, exhausted him. Donnie was right. He must have looked like shit. He was a piece of shit, anyway. His remorse, his cheating, his complicated schemes to elaborate alibis and excuses for the two loves of his life, seeking to coax them both, slowly killed him, kept him awake at night.

But being a witness of the radiating happiness of his lover's golden pupils, he forgot, wanting to focus on the present moment _ **: "Are you a gold digger?"**_ he joked with a sad smile. He didn't want to have noticed Raph calling him his awesome boyfriend. Leo was far of awesome, but Raph had the right to think that he was his boyfriend and he wasn't going to take away his illusions, not yet, when he wanted to offer him a romantic and sexy weekend.

" _ **Shut-up and drive faster, ya moron. I love ya and I'm proud of ya, that's all. I don't give a damn about yer money, babe.**_ _**You can lose all yer limbs and yer cash, I would love yer dork face anyway. But, in case, watch to don't lose yer cock "**_ Raphael laughed.

Leo didn't deserve this pure love. A deeper and deeper love, every day spent, while he was more just a jerk. Raph deserved so much better: his love was a raw diamond. Leo's was nothing but filth, treachery and lies.

Leo, arrived, parked and looked at his lover, smile on his lips and tears almost to his eyes, but Raph was too far out of his mind for paying attention _**" Look casual baby, if ya don't wanna be the deputy inspector with an arrest for indecent behavior".**_ Raph suggested, in a hoarse voice, leaning toward the driver's lap.


	11. You're mine, he said

_**Hello, I'm back. Please, don't forget that I don't speak English. No one could verify my text this morning. If anyone can do it, in the future, write me privately.**_

* * *

Leo and Raph spent a wonderful weekend. There were no dangerous questions asked. After the sex shop, where Raph asked Leo to buy handcuffs, they returned to the house where the next Deputy Inspector played his role as a policeman, for their foreplay, arresting Raph, the delinquent pot head, handcuffing him and fucking him with no mercy at all, in an abuse of privilege. And then Raph played the part of the prisoner who attacks the man in charge of watching him, by simulating a vengeful rape. Neither had the heart to go out and ordered a simple pizza. Leo was enthusiastic about it saying that he could "no longer eat it for 5 years" and that attracted Raphael's attention. "Why not?" He had asked, and Leo had spoken of a fragile liver. Raph had clearly seen the bullshit in the answer, but they had such a good time that he hadn't dared to question him.

Leo, for his part, had questioned Raph when he, at about 9:00 pm, had lit his pipe. "Why? am I here?" Raph had laughed and treated Leo as a "self-important shit", claiming that the police officer had nothing to do with his cannabis use. Leo had doubted, for a moment, and then told himself that, perhaps, he had indeed made dramatic scenarios for nothing. Raph had offered him the pipe and Leo had refused it, again. Raph had claimed that his lover had promised to do whatever he pleased and that he only wanted to make their first night together special. Leo had smoked, choked, coughed and Raph had laughed. Then, Raph had proposed that they order a porn movie and had even offered a bisexual one, for Leo, since he also liked girls. Raph had smirked as if he doubted the possibility that Leonardo could be attracted to women too. Leo didn't deny anything.

Slightly stoned, Leo had watched the movie, while Raph was busy worshiping every part of his body, imagining a threesome between him, Raph and Hazel, imagining their two hot mouths, instead of that of Raph only, on his cock. His orgasm had been violent and he held Raph's head for a deep throat, causing him to choke and cough, as a payback for the pipe.

This fantasy was impossible, he was aware of it. Hazel was fairly prude and Raph, probably, far too possessive for that. He had to find a solution, but he knew already the only possible one, knowing full well that the situation couldn't be eternal. This weekend, he would offer everything to his lover and would do his best for him until Raph returns to work next month. Then, a few weeks later, when the fireman would be better, he would tell him the truth. Raph had been there for him and he would be there for Raph. This evening smoking, watching pornographic movies and making erotic scenarios as foreplay, was a crazy and wonderful parenthesis in his life but unfortunately ephemeral. He loved Raph too much to make him waste his time. His black lover had too good qualities to offer to someone more deserving. He realized that Raph was sleeping, coiled on him, on the couch. He kissed his head and fell asleep with him.

The next morning, Leo had awakened with a greedy tongue between his thighs and he said to himself for the hundredth time since he slept with Raph that sex, for pleasure and love, was wonderful. Whether his sperm was fertile or not made no difference to Raph. The fireman swallowed it greedily, his golden eyes filled with contentment like those of a cat after a bowl of creamy milk.

After a day of sex, kisses, sweet words and caresses, without question and thus, without lies, Raph had wanted to play pool at Dusty's. In fact, he wanted to see Casey, but in a less formal place than at home, with his girlfriend. He had invited him and Casey had accepted the offer with eagerness. Casey doesn't hide his astonishment in front of Leo. Obviously, he hadn't imagined that the man whose brother was so in love could be so atypical of his kind of habitual lovers. Chame was a sexy latino bad ass. All Raph's past boy friend or fuck friend had been sexy criminals of the same age as him and Latino or black. Raph was, in his few relationships, the most reliable of the two. Chame and the others all had problems of addiction and Casey Jones didn't remember having seen one of them, not intoxicated.

So, seeing a white man of 35 years, sober, classical and affable, with hair perfectly combed but, without glass of whiskey in hand, was a kind of big surprise for the eldest Jones brother

Raphael knew that the anthracite shirt buttoned up to the collar was not the kind of the place, but Leo had only the same type of church clothes in his suitcase. Raph wondered, again, how Leo, this insatiable sex animal, could wear that, and then he thought it was better that way. No one would try to flirt with him at Dusty's.

As soon as Leo slipped away to go to the bathroom, followed by the black man's loving gaze, Casey whispered to his brother: " ** _You're in deep, baby bro"_** Raphael shrugged: **_"Dunno what ya talk about, man "_**

 _ **" You said it yourself yesterday, you love him. "**_ Casey said, indignantly.

 _ **"Yeah, it's true, no need to fuss about it. All people here love someone, without making it a big deal."**_ Raph replied, flushed.

" _ **Yeah, but you do. I dunno why, cuz not the same kind of guy than before, but, you do. And, him, too. He loves you. I confess that I am relieved. I don't think he is as comfortable as you, in his sexuality, but he seems a good, serious and loving man. "**_ Casey said with conviction, despite his third beer.

To say that Raph was delighted to heard that praise and comment from his brother, was an understatement He didn't have time to question his brother about this as Leo returns, his blue-steel eyes looking at him with love. Raph, at that moment, felt himself like the king of the world.

The evening was fine. Leo and Casey, although very different, got on well. Raph paid a drink to his lover and his brother to celebrate the promotion of Leo. Casey was quite impressed by him and Raph was exulting. He wanted his family to love Leo and approve his choice. It had never been important to him in the past, but he wanted everyone to see Leo with the same eyes as him. Leonardo deserved it.

Raph was in his fourth beer after his glass of whiskey, and ordered a fifth, when Leo put a hand on him. _**"That's enough,"**_ he said gently, but seriously. Raph was not so much of this opinion, but he didn't want to upset Leo and he had to admit that he didn't need alcohol tonight to believe he was happy. He canceled his order _**"My boyfriend says I've drunk enough."**_

A man at the pool table, with whom Raph had already fucked around when he was drunk, turned and laughed.: _**"Since when did you listen to your boy friends, Raphie? I remember you like a bitch in bed, but not a submissive bitch up to the bar, and even less for an amputee so little manly,"**_. he hissed, clearly jealous.

It had to be alcohol, but Raph didn't take his swing to punch the insolent bonehead, that the jealous guy was on his back. Leo had throw a powerful hook, very fast and, moreover, with his artificial arm.

Leo didn't wait for Dusty to throw them out. Perhaps the old woman wouldn't have done it, since obviously, this bastard had insulted Raph and Leo publicly. With great strides, Leo walked away, without a glance behind him. Raphael stood for a moment, stunned. Everything had happened so quickly, too much for his brain slowed down by alcohol, but when he saw that his lover had passed the door, Raph came out of his bewilderment to run after him.

" _ **Leo! Wait!"**_

Leo, already in front of the car and strangely holding his arm, turns briefly, with a blank expression _ **: "You have to drive, I must have broken my prosthesis by striking this ... man."**_ Leo pronounced his words reluctantly and worried about the arm of his boyfriend, Raph hastened to ask him: _**"Are ya in pain?".**_ Leo sighed: _**"Kind of ..."**_ Then the policeman remembered that Raphael was drunk and couldn't drive and so decided to do it.

Raphael, in the car, wondered a lot, oppressed by the silence of his lover. Raoul, this son of a bitch, had insulted him, in front of his boyfriend and had likewise, insulted Leonardo. Raph suspected that a great man as Leo couldn't, out of work by criminals under arrest, have heard many insults. He was too honorable for that. But what made him most angry wasn't even to have been able to save their honor, his lover having done it in his place. He was bubbling with impotent rage and shame. Leo had to think that Raphael was, in fact, a bitch, unworthy of him.

Maybe Leo, realizing this, will dump him.

The silence continued to the apartment, where Leo sat on the couch, his face darkened by sadness. Raph, under pressure, burst out: _**"I'm so sorry, babe."**_

Leo looked at him, astonished: _**"Why? It's my fault. Because of my stupid temper, I struck this man and made a scandal in this place you like"**_ , and Raph remained stunned by this unexpected answer _**"Don't be, it's okay to hit a person who insults ya."**_ Leo sighed, pulling his arm away and calmly explaining _ **, "I didn't hit him because he insulted me. He said I was amputated and it's true, somehow "**_

Raphael, cautiously, asked _ **, "So ya struck him because he insulted me."**_

 _ **"Yes ... but not only for that, it's because… obviously, ... you slept with him".**_ Leo replied, ashamed.

Raphael, amazed, stood for a moment without answering and asked, incredulous: " _ **Are ya jealous?".**_

Leo hid his face in his hands: _**"Yeah, but I have no right to be, I wish you were only mine, but I can't demand that from you".**_

" _ **Why not, I am yer! With this guy, it was only a fast fuck, meaningless and it was in July. Before I meet ya. I am yer now. Heart and body."**_ Raphael's voice rising with his temper.

Leo stood silent and shook his head _ **: "No, I can't stand the idea of sharing you and it's not good. I can't demand your exclusivity, it's too egoistic on my part ... Perhaps we should ... maybe we should only be friends. So, I will be less jealous, maybe".**_

Raph was wiped out. Leo, as he feared seemed to want to break-up, but not at all for the reason he had imagined. It was so stupid, so foolish, that he got angry: " _ **That has no sense at all, shit!"**_ he snapped back. _ **"Ya want to leave me for a one-night fuck of 4 months ago! It's a bad joke, rigth? Ya can't dump me for this guy! Because one night, drunk, I fucked with him because he was flirting with me for weeks! I don't think ya remained an absolute virgin in the months before me, right? So, why do you make such a big deal of it?**_ "he yelled.

 _ **« No, that's not what I'm saying. I only realize that I am too attached to you and far too possessive. I can't share you. But I can't ask you ... "**_ Leo nervously passed his right hand through his short black hair, not even finishing his sentence. It was the last straw. Raph burst into confused anger, his voice strained with feeling as he yelled:

 _ **"What the hell are ya talking about?" Ya don't have to share! We're boyfriends, now, rigth? It is serious! I would never fuck with anyone again. Ya don't have to ask me anything: I want to be yer! I don't mind if yar possessive: I give ya the right to be possessive. Be possessive as ya like, it doesn't matter! I love ya and yar the only one I want**_! _**I give ya the exclusivity of my own free will! Ya don't even have to ask me anything, shit!"**_

To his great confusion, Leo did not seem reassured by his outburst of anger and out of nowhere, his question, scathing, fell: _**"And you, you could share me?"**_ The steel blue eyes looked at him, seriously, and Raph was struck by the brutality of the question. He believed that Leo, feeling guilty of being jealous, wanted to convince him of the rationality of his feeling. " _ **Ya know me Leo, I was so jealous of yer friend Usagi that I could have skinned him like a rabbit. I can share with a dildo, or with your job that is a so damn demanding mistress, but I can't bear the idea that another hand caresses ya, either. I am yer, but yar mine, too. This is part of the game".**_

" _ **Let's sleep, it's late".**_ Leo muttered, troubled.

 _ **"No, not before you admit that what ya just said is a bunch of non-sense bullshit.**_ _**I'm not going to lie on my back, as if everything was fine, and let ya fuck me, when ya think of such bullshit!**_

" _ **Don't worry about it. I'm not planning to make love to you",**_ Leo explain firmly, his eyes darkened by the determination.

Dumbfounded, Raph forgot his anger. Leo always want sex. If he no longer wanted it, it was the beginning of the end.: " _ **What? Why?**_ "he inquired anxiously.

" _ **I don't deserve you. That's all. Please, I don't want to talk about that, anymore".**_ He stuttered, sounding almost desperate.

Raph could only stare at Leo's downcast eyes, his brain refusing to really work and tell him what this meant. Then, sudden panic gripped Raph. Leo had make up all this bullshit and hid the real reason for his desire to break-up: Leonardo was disgusted with him. Raoul was a shabby scumbag, and with what he had heard from Chame, Leo must have thought that all the lovers of Raph were as well. Leo wasn't wrong: All, compared to the policeman was just pieces of shit. But he Raph wasn't a whore that slept with everyone. Before Leo, he must have had three or four sexual relations since January. As far as Raph was concerned, it was the closest he could be to absolute chastity. He had to make his lover understand : " _ **Babe, I swear. That's not what ya think. I don't give myself so easily and I don't plan to do it with anyone other than ya.**_ " He ran a hand up Leo's arm, tracing patters along the skin and Leo seemed leaning into the touch. _ **"Please, take back what's yer and never talk about what happened tonight,**_ "he pleaded, leaning his head on Leo's shoulder as he continued to stroke the policeman's skin lightly.

Leo's resolve crumbled under Raph's gentle assault and when the black man spotted that spark of indecision in those chips of steel blue, he mover forward; _**"I wanna belong to ya. Claim me now as yer possession, yer territory"**_

The burning gaze of intensity of Leo met his, as ardent. The hesitation of the policeman was brief and Raph, relieved, saw voracity and lust replace chaste determination in the blue eyes: " _ **Ok, then, if you ask for it".**_ Leonardo spoke, his voice deep and raw. _**"I will claim you as my own."**_

With an impressive growl, Leo shoved the firefighter backward onto the couch and snatched his clothes. Then, the future deputy inspector climbed atop him in a swift move.

Leo was so out of his mind that contrary to his habit, he didn't get up to shut the curtains before sex, ridiculous habit Raph was openly laughing at. Leo barely prepared him, covering his dick with only a bit of the lube that was dragging on the coffee table. He sank to the hilt with one shove, each of his black legs on his shoulders. _**"So, you say you are mine?"**_ Leo asked in a hoarse voice and then, he bit savagely the soft skin of Raph's inner calf. The sensation sent a jolt of pleasure thrumming straight up his spine, and streaked Raphael's vision with stars.

Raphael had never been so sexually turned on. He liked hard sex and even more when Leo arrogated to himself a right of ownership. If he wanted Raph, it was because the black man was important to him. _**"I'm yer"**_ he panted. _**"Take me. Claim me. I'm yer!"**_

A groan of pure lust was ripped from Leo and his willpower lost in his desires after hearing such words of adoration from his lover. He trusted violently in him, biting him hard at all the place he can reach, shoving his cock roughly and ramming his tongue into his mouth. The policeman murmured lasciviously, his voice almost unrecognizably strained with lust: " _you are mine"_ " _all this belongs to me_ " " _No one else will ever touch you_ " between each bite, and hearing this, a shiver of pleasure ran down Raphael's spine. Sex with Leo had almost always been rough, from an external point of view. But for the two lovers it had been nothing but pleasure and passion. But, never in his life, the black man had felt such a sensory overload like this. Its was euphoria. It was much better than a high on coke. He had the only almost coherent thought while his partner, panting, trusted in him like no tomorrow, that Leo was a much more addictive drug. A drug, whose the possibility of a cold turkey frightened him. The sound of smacking skin was growing louder with the heavy pant from Leo and Raph roared string of incoherent words mixed with cries of ecstasy and came undone much more quickly and more strongly than ever, his orgasm almost painful, watched greedily by the hypnotic blue stare above his.

Leo followed shortly after and he collapsed on Raph. The policeman's voice cracked, under high emotion or fatigue, Raph was not quite sure: _**"I love you, Raphael Jones."**_ and he pressed his cheek against Raph's while the firefighter's combed Leo's short hair with trembling fingers _ **. "I**_ _ **love ya even more. I am yer now. Ya don't have to worry about having this exclusivity thing. You have it, babe"**_ The honesty of Raphael's face was hard to bear for the policeman, so Leo nuzzled in the hollow of his neck, but didn't answer that." _ **Come to bed.**_ "he asked gently _ **"Tomorrow will be a tough day. I need to see Donnie again to arrange my arm. He's going to kill me. He loves this prosthesis more than his firstborn son and it must still be in anger that I went to see another doctor."**_

Raph was always in a warm and comfortable afterglow. He didn't want to think about the doctor now. _**"Okay,"**_ he agreed, _**"let's sleep. But I want watch a movie with you before. I love cuddle with ya in front of the televison and fall asleep in your arms"**_

Leonargo gave him a sad smile and agreed.

The next day they awoke, their limbs intertwined. Raph, got up first, to make breakfast, leaving Leo to make an appointment with his brother, the rat in the lab coat, by phone. He felt a little worried for his lover and hoped that Donatello would not argue with Leo. Otherwise, to the hell with the consequences, he would punch the doctor, straight into the jaw.

After the shower and breakfast, Leo refused to let Raph accompany him to his appointment. The fireman argued that without his left arm, it was safer to let him drive. As a last resort, Raphael hid Leo's keys and wallet. Leonardo called him a kid, and cursed him a lot. He couldn't afford to push the patience of Donnie, already angry, arriving late. So, the policeman agreed to Raph accompanying him. Leo said to himself that Raphael had behaved well the last time and that this time it would be okay again.

The doctor greeted them without a word, with a cold air. He lost his indifferent facade when he saw the condition of the prosthesis. _**"Leo! What the fuck! How did you manage to do this damage?**_ Furious, but with cold anger, the doctor folded his arms. _**"I demand to know what happened, as a doctor and designer of this prosthesis"**_

Leo sighed, it was not going to go well: _ **« I hit a man in a bar."**_ Donnie looked incredulously:

" _**You, Mr. Self-Control, you were in a bar and you hit a man?"**_ Donnie's glance went quickly to the silent black man and turned back to Leo, suspicious: _**"It's not like you ... tell me why!"**_

Calmly, Leo explained that the man had insulted him. The doctor's eyes expressed clearly that he didn't believe his brother at all. " _ **I call it bullshit, Leo, it's not in your temper to hit a man no matter what he says about you. I know you too well. Tell me what happened or I don't fix your arm"**_

This blackmail was too much to handle for Raphael, who finally, burst out: " _ **Yar right, Leo hit him because he insulted me, not him. There ya have yer truth, Doc... Fix this arm or I'll break yer nose, no matter if ya wear glasses and yar Leo's brother".**_

The dark and polar eyes stared at Raph with an indefinable expression. Then, with contempt, he turned away from Raphael, refusing to acknowledge his presence. _**"Leo, our father wants you to call him, and next week we have to go and see him for the Thanksgiving weekend, remember?"**_ Donnie explains. _ **"He didn't see you since the beginning of September. You don't call him as you use to do...before "**_ Donnie's _**"**_ before" sounded almost threatening and Leo shuddered. _**"Go to my office and call him now, I have to take a moment to examine the damage.**_ "Leo made a gesture towards Raph, but Donatello snapped harshly _ **: Your friend can stay here, I will not dissect him, I need him to explain the angle and the velocity of your punch.**_

Raph saw the anxiety shimmer in the blue eyes. He didn't understand why, but this Thanksgiving story worried him too. If Leo went to his father's house, he couldn't come to Ma's for his birthday. At least his lover would have a good reason not to. Raph wondered if he, on the other hand, could accompany Leo to his father's. He could always ask Ma to postpone his birthday.

Leo, with great reluctance, walked away. It was true that he had neglected his father a lot and that he could legitimately question himself if Leo and ... Hazel would spend the weekend at home. He looked one last time at his brother leaning over the artificial arm, an expression of intense concentration on his features. Donnie didn't care about Leo's love stories. He could leave the two men together to make a 5-minute phone call to his father. Nothing serious was going to happen. It was just paranoia, but if he resisted, Don, as Raph, would have suspicions.

Donnie waited a moment, working on the prosthesis and Raph, looking bored, watched him, too caught in his train of thought. Then, Don spoke, casually: _**Our father is very fond of this family meals.**_ _**We visit him so rarely, too busy, Leo and me. And he loves Hazel. She is a very attentive daughter-in-law "**_ he explained with emphasis. Raphael, uninterested, remained silent. The doctor seemed surprised by the silence and asked _ **, "You know Hazel?"**_

Raph shrugged. Leo's brother tried to be polite, he would try too: " _ **I dunno ... your girlfriend?"**_ he guessed.

The air of doubt on Donnie's features disappeared and an triumph appeared on his features, as if he had solved a very difficult problem.

With his sarcastic smile, he replied after shaking his head; " _ **No, I don't have time to have a girlfriend, but Leo obviously has enough free time to satisfy both a lover and a wife."**_

Raph's expression remained vacant: _**"Come again ",**_ he asked, uncertain to understand. Not wanting to understand. It will be to unbearable.

" _ **Hazel is Leo's wife.**_ " Donatello explained. Raph's heart began to pound furiously. " _ **You mean his ex-wife?**_ ," he asked, clinging to this tiny hope.

Donnie's smile seemed to him evil _ **." His current wife. The one with whom he has been married for 5 years. For now, she's in Washington until Tuesday, so he has more time to fuck your ass. But Leonardo loves Hazel and she loves him so much as well, so don't even think about him leaving her for you. She is a respectable, devoted and loyal wife. A much better match for him than you. Leo has gone through a lot of stress lately, so I forgive him. You're only a short-lived fantaisie. I know him, he will recover his senses quickly and leave you in the dust."**_

It seemed to Raph that he was choking and he felt his heart explode. " _ **Don't take it too badly ... Enjoy your time with him. It's better that you know the truth, now, so that you prepare yourself and that you don't be attached too much to him. Your sex story must be interrupted before it becomes a love story. I'm sorry,"**_ Don finished, in an indifferent voice.

Raph didn't have time to answer that it was too late for that or even to strike the doctor who had just crushed his bubble of dreams in his face, so brutally. Leo, this motherfucker bastard, was coming back from the office.


	12. A shipwreck in the Chardonnay

**_Second chapter in a day!_**

* * *

It was not Raph's habit to remain silent for so long, let alone to keep his hands to himself. It was almost their last night together and the firefighter, who was very physical, should have enjoyed it. But on the contrary, Raph had kept his hands in his pockets when he returned from the office at Donnie's and it was certainly not to conceal an erection. Don had made the final adjustments and Leo seemed to feel the coldness that reigned in the room freezing him to the bones, setting his nerves on edge. He was wondering if his brother had been unpleasant with the fireman. Again.

He didn't understand this antipathy of the doctor towards the black man. Why were Don insisting on making such a big deal out of Leo's "friendship" with the fireman? His brother wasn't supposed to know that the kind of friendship they had came with "benefits". Yes, if Donnie would know that, he might be angry or upset, after all, he put a lot of efforts into helping Leo and Hazel to procreate. But Donnie didn't know... He couldn't know that he and Raph were lovers. And if he had a doubt, he would keep it silent, just like Leo pretended not to see the theft of scientific equipment in Don's lab.

But, for a moment, seeing that both of the genius' eyes seemed to dodge him, Leo was afraid, very afraid that Don would speak. Then he thought he was paranoid. No. Donnie would never meddle with his personal life, if it wasn't a matter of physical health. He tried to think about another reason to why Raph seemed so cold. Donnie had been harsh or rude. It wasn't in his nature to be kind and friendly. Leo would have to explain it to his lover, later.

They had left and Leo noticed that Raphael was tensed when he wrapped his arms around Raph's waist, as they were both getting on the motorcycle. Doubt was no longer permitted. Raph was angry at him and since Leo did nothing wrong, or well, nothing that his lover was aware of, it could only mean one thing: Donnie had, perhaps involuntarily, revealed something to Raph.

Raphael knew or, at least he was very suspicious that Leo was only a liar, a deceiver, and an unfaithful asshole.

Feeling the stiff body in front of him, Leo realized that his relationship with Raph had just taken a new turn: the death-end.

If Raph wasn't aware of everything, Leo would tell him the truth, anyway. Raphael deserved to know that he had given his body and heart to an ungrateful jerk. Now.

Leo could feel his anxiety growing, for he knew that whatever was going to happen would be rough, tough, violent. He was in front of the building that hosted their clandestine love, and according to how Raph dismounted roughly, throwing down Betty's kick with not the same care he would have always, Leo braced himself, thinking that knowing Raph, the scene would be as short as brutal. They were about to break up, Raph would yell at him that he would never want to see his damn bastard's face again and that would be over with his lover. He would never caress his young and muscular ebony body again.

Anyway, the situation, after that Hazel would return from Washington, would be unbearable. Raph wouldn't have understood why Leo suddenly wouldn't want to spend the night with him after they had such passionate nights, after all the cuddles and after the sweet kisses at breakfast. Raph would have been doubly unhappy. It was the best decision that Leo could make: although it would break his heart, this break-up with his lover would turn out to be a blessing for Raphael, for Hazel and for himself, despite his deep love for the fireman.

Raphael took his helmet off and picked up the one Leo handed to him, uncertain, without speaking nor looking at him, slowly heading for the building.

Raph - and Leo didn't know why, because the firefighter wasn't patient nor was he the kind that would hold back - was waiting for the intimacy of his apartment to call Leo a motherfucker full of shit player, to give him a hook square in the jaw, before telling him to take out his fucking things and kicking him out of his house.

Not knowing what to do, not daring to break the heavy silence, the policeman followed him inside, his heart pounding. Without precipitation, Raph put the key in the lock and entered without turning back. He went straight to the closet and took out his bottle of bourbon. He poured himself a full glass, swallowed it and still without looking at Leo, he asked in a neutral but trembling voice:

" _ **Is it true? Yer a married man?"**_

This was it. Don, by purpose or not, it didn't matter, had said something and revealed his secret.

It was the decisive moment. Leo could no longer hide. He lowered his head and dropped a soft _**"yes".**_

He had no need of raising his head, for he could imagine very well the mixture of pain and anger which Raphael's features must express. The glass in the man's hands crashed on the wall, accompanied by a loud _**"shit".**_

Instinctively, and because he couldn't bear to be such a coward, especially in a situation he had himself provoked, Leo faced Raphael, ready to assume his anger to have been betrayed. Taking a defensive posture, the policeman was astonished to be faced with a defeated Raph who had slid into the closest chair.

" _ **So… Ya don't really love me?"**_ he asked slowly. Leo's heart broke at the sight of this spectacle and assertion.

He walked the steps separating him from the broken man on the chair, hugging him, without a second thought.

" _ **Of course, Raph, that I love you. Deeply. And I care for you so much… I'm sorry… I never lied about my feelings, I swear, honey. I only omitted... the reasons why I can't stay with you at night, »**_ he explained, with a soft kiss on his lover's head.

Raphael remained silent for two long minutes where Leo felt like agonizing. He didn't understand how Raph hadn't insulted him or thrown him out yet. This expectation, this delay of the ineluctable, was unbearable. He wanted to get over it quickly, to put an end to this painful situation for both. He knew that Raph wasn't the type to say that the fact that Leo was married didn't matter and he wouldn't agree to continue to be fucked in the shadows by a dirty liar like him. Raph was fiercely possessive. So, he didn't even cling to that hope. Raphael, once he realized his situation fully, would just punch him.

But Raph simply spoke, lifting his misty eyes and thickly grasping his hands, and it was more breathtaking than a direct blow to the stomach:

 _ **"So, if ya love me, yer gonna leave her, huh? Yer gonna divorce her?"**_ he asked eagerly, waiting for his answer with so much hope.

His head was turned towards the captain who hadn't thought that this option could be a possible scenario of Raph's reactions. Divorce? On Hazel? He would never do that! Hazel loved him. That poor woman didn't deserve it.

A voice told him that Raph loved him just as much as Hazel did, and he didn't deserve to be abandoned. Leo was caught. In front of him, the stormy amber eyes questioned, begged, and the suffering behind these eyes of pure gold made him sick with self-loathe. He was a jerk, bringing so much pain to a man who had given him only love and himself.

He was the worst scum ever.

" _ **Honey, things are complicated..."**_ he started cautiously.

Raphael jumped up to his wooden box where his damn pipe was. Leo bit his lips. If he left Raph now, God knows under what conditions Raph's health would be. The fireman smoked weed as soon as the absence of a few hours of his boyfriend became too heavy. What would happen if Leo would turn his back to Raphael?

He didn't want to think about it. He loved Raphael too much to imagine him suffering and trying to forget this pain in even more drugs than now.

Raphael started to pack the pipe and to light it up, waiting for his answers, his promises of undying love, his… Lies.

Of course, Leo loved him, but not more and not less than Hazel. Say the truth and that, despite his real love for him, he would not divorce or, suggest that perhaps he could think about it? Maybe, after a while, Raph would be tired of waiting and that he would break with the policeman on his own.

" **So…?"** Raphael asked after his first puff, his voice full of irritation, but filled with anxiety.

Every second that he hesitated and wouldn't answer, had to be like a heated spike in the sensitive soul of the fireman. Leo, upset, nervously exclaimed the first thing that came to his mind in accordance with his feelings:

" _ **I love you so much, honey, how could I live without you?"**_ He said, avoiding the real question, hoping that, as usual, the sweet words would be enough to appease his lover, always hungry for praises and tenderness.

" _ **This isn't what I asked ya,"**_ said the other man, harshly, refusing to let himself be distracted, " _ **will ya leave her, yes or no**_ **? Answer. It's not difficult, for a man as clever as ya are, babe"** Raph snorted. _**"If ya love me, as much as ya claim, you divorce her. If not, I'm done with yer shit and fucking disappear of my life."**_ He took another puff, turned his head back and closed his eyes, as though he was exhausted or disgusted with the situation or the policeman himself. Leo couldn't blame him.

" _ **Ya can't have both, Captain. Ya must make a choice. Hey! It reminds me of this damn Gone with the wind movie yesterday, with this stupid bitch who couldn't decide between two men, right?"**_ exclaimed Raph with sarcasm, raising his head briefly to cast a contentious but also, painful look, at him. " _ **Remember? When I stroked lovingly yer hairs on my lap, just fucking yesterday and just before I letted ya pound me senseless into the mattress, again!"**_ he concluded bitterly, closing his eyes, again, after drawing a last puff _ **: " Life is a bitch, man! I learned it the hard way. I just remembered it again".**_

Leo then remembered Raphael's past life: abandoned from birth, left in an orphanage, adopted in a home without a paternal figure and then, afterwards, his Peruvian boyfriend being deported. And then, the tragedy of last September, where they had met. Raph hadn't lost any limbs, but a friend and this medical leave pissed off the firefighter, depriving him of his pride and sense of utility. And there were no doubts that Leo didn't know yet all the dark secrets of his lover's life. He, too, had lived through hard times, with the murder of his mother and the loss of his arm. Leo too, couldn't go to the field, where he felt he was doing a more meaningful job, condemned to office work, to fill reports. So yes, Leo could understand that Raph's life had been tough and that his marriage takes the damn cake.

" _ **I will never leave you, Raph**_ **"** Leo promised, elusive. Raphael uttered a groan of derision and stood up, repulsing the black-haired man, who had thrown himself on his knees near the couch somewhere during the ultimatum of Raph.

Here it was: the ultimatum that he feared he had to face one day. Leo could have gotten up and leave, he could have put this madness briefly lived behind him. Raph was far too proud to chase him.

Desperate, for leaving wasn't what he wanted to do, but what he had to do, Leo looked sadly at Raphael bending over to take the broom the pieces of glass. Without paying too much attention to it at the time, the captain saw Raph taking the biggest glass shard apart, it was about the size of his thumb, and carrying the rest to the trash. Leo's trained eyes, used to track suspect behaviors, saw him slide the piece of glass in the pocket of his jeans.

Anguish filled him with that little gesture which, he assumed, had a frightful meaning. It couldn't be for anything else. Raph voluntarily kept the piece of glass, hidden. He had been quite discreet, enough so that another person, not in the police, wouldn't notice it and Raph probably believed that the gesture had not been seen by him, either. But Leo had seen and understood: his lover was going to hurt himself, but to what extent? Leo wouldn't wait to find out.

 _ **"I'm going to do it,"**_ he exclaimed and Raph turned quickly toward him, his eyes widened by surprise. Obviously, he thought it was over already, and it would probably have been without that piece of glass, but he couldn't tell him that.

" _ **But you have to leave me a few weeks... I have to prepare her, she doesn't expect that at all, and..."**_ He took a pause, searching for an unstoppable excuse, that would give him more time. More time to think about a solution. Then, breathless as if he had run the five miles to his home, Leo closed his eyes, not believing what he was going to say: _**"We have been trying to have a child for some time, now. She started taking hormones a while ago, so... I can't leave her if she's pregnant, you understand that, right?**_

 _ **"You want kids."**_

Leo flushed but held Rap's amber eye in his deep blue ones and licked his suddenly dry lips.

" _ **Yes…I think so…"**_ he replied with caution.

 _ **"Fuck!"**_ Raphael cursed with feeling, looking at Leo in shock, but he recovered quite quickly, eager again:

" _ **You think so ... but it's not necessary to yer happiness, right? If ya don't have biological children with me, ya will be satisfied, despite that?".**_

Leo frowned: Did Raph imply adoption with him as father as well by the term "biological"? He didn't want to approach this delicate matter. He repeated: _**"I can't leave her if she is pregnant. You understand?"**_

Raphael nodded, serious, then asked: _**"When was the last time you fucked her?"**_

Leo grinded his teeth, not only because he didn't like to hear his conjugal relationship with Hazel being called "fuck", but also because his answer wasn't going to please the fireman.

The last time happened less than three days ago, on the morning of Hazel's departure for her convention. So, only a few hours before he bends over Raph in the shower, fucking his brain out. But it was the truth and it would give him more time.

 _ **"Last Friday morning,"**_ he replied calmly, despite his heart beating and his throat tightening.

As expected, his lover's features twisted with rage at his answer, in a frightening way, and he cursed with feelings the captain in a whisper, balling his fists and closely shutting his eyes, surely to diminish the temptation to hit his unfaithful lover. Raph hadn't expected, until now, that his treachery extended so far, Leonardo observed, ashamed. Raph naively believed that Leo had only lied to him and hid his marriage. He hadn't thought that in the last three weeks Leo could be enough a sneaky son of a bitch to make love on the same day, successively, to his lover and his wife.

A heavy silence coated the room, and Raph broke it with a loud sigh. _**"So, how long will it take, uh? Because I suppose that now ya will not touch her anymore?"**_

Leo was again surprised. Accepting such an awful betrayal, wasn't like his fierce black lover.

Raphael must have loved him even more than he thought. This didn't make the situation any easier. He briefly wondered if Hazel, hearing that he was cheating on her, would be as tolerant as Raph but he drowned this thought, having more urgent matters. He had to give a credible answer to his lover: _**"I don't know, I think two months, maybe."**_

Raphael frowned: he didn't expect such a long time. But that wasn't what annoyed him the most in Leo's reply. Once again, he didn't let Leo dodge the question _ **: "Are ya still going to fuck with her, Leo?"**_ he snapped.

He didn't give him time to reply: instead, he sneered at his lover, lip snarling up, mocking, unable to restrain his rage and jealousy, throwing his arms up:

" _ **Is it because I don't give ya enough sex? I don't think so! Ya suck my cock with a lot of appetite, for a married man".**_ He pointed, with accusation, his finger towards Leo, spitting his rancor and sorrow. " _ **Ya suck it like a man in the desert, greedily, tasting my cum! Ya swallow it until the last drop, as if it were fresh water! And my ass?"**_ he shouted, increasingly furious and upset at the same time. " _ **Ya love plowing my ass! You've been fucking me every fucking single day for three damn weeks, more than once a day. Yar a fucking cheating fag in a closet and a piece of shit, that what ya are, Captain!"**_ he articulated, clearly, each of his words feeling as a hammer as for the policeman's conscience.

Leo put his head in his hands. He deserved all the insulting names Raph wanted to throw at him. He was going to wait until Raph finished with his attacks of justified jealousy, and go home in an empty bed for once.

But Raph was far from done;

" _ **It was what ya meant, uh? When ya told me "Oh I love women too""**_ sneered Raph, imitating the policeman's voice. _**"Ya could have told me at that time: Oh no, I'm not as a fag as ya are, I bang my wife every fucking night. But, no! Ya couldn't tell me that. Ya had to wait for me to fall in love with ya, you scumbag motherfucker!"**_

Leo didn't say anything, shamefully, with his head bowed, waiting for the storm to pass. Raph, now seeing how much of a bastard full of shit he was, was going to kick his sorry ass out. But he didn't expect the loud sob that shook Raphael from head to foot, his golden eyes filled with tears. Never had Leo seen his lover cry, and the view annihilated him. Seeing a man so muscular, so strong, so male in tears, shook him.

Between two sobs, Raph continued;

" _ **And**_ _**this jealousy fit of yesterday? I now understand why ya dared not ask for my exclusivity. You cheated me every night with yer wife, from the beginning! While I was crying in loneliness at night. "**_

Leo had no words to express his shame, remorse and grief: _**"Honey ... I thought I was just a crutch for you, to get through the September events. I never mean to hurt you. "**_

 _ **" So, that's what I was, a crutch for you? "**_ Raph asked, angry. Leo shook his head frankly: " _ **No, I swear you're not. I love you. Too much. Deeply and sincerely."**_

" _ **And her?"**_ Raph wanted to know.

Leo sought a gentle, but true answer. " _ **It's not the same kind of love. With you I have a raw passion. With her ... it's a sweet complicity, a pleasant and easy daily relationship and a tender affection**_." he answered honestly.

" _ **I can give you that"**_ Raph shot back, eyes glowing with intensity. _ **"All this complicity and easy daily relationship. Let me prove myself. Be with me more often the next two months. Stay with me the night, even when she comes back."**_ he pleaded.

Leo felt dizzy. The events were going too fast and he seemed to be watching a trainwreck, unable to stop it. But in front of the devastated gaze of his beloved lover, he felt even more helpless. Raph was suffering, because of him and it was unbearable. He wanted to bring comfort and tenderness to the fireman. Not the opposite.

" _ **Ya don't want to… Ya don't love me as much as ya love her"**_ accused Raph, taking Leo's silence as a refusal, tears run down his cheeks, his eyes red and puffy. It was heartbreaking and Leo, instinctively wanted to appease his lover. No matter the cost.

Leo's hands smoothed up and down Raph's wet cheek trying to smooth him. _**"Raph, I like being with you, I like it very much…I'm willing to give this a try, seriously, I can't promise you eternity for now. But…**_ " Leo had a slight hesitation: " _ **We can make this… exclusive from me as well, my sweet love."**_

" _ **Ya only feel bad about me crying, that's all, ya lying son of a bitch. Tuesday, when she will return, ya will forget all of yer damn promises in her bed and ya will fuck her and ya will tell him all the sweet things ya say to me. Ya'll call her "my love" and "honey", stroke her hair and swear that ya belong to her body, heart and soul, and maybe, if I'm lucky, yar gonna come fuck with me two hours later "**_ replied, Raph, madly upset and overwhelmed by the mental images he was making by himself.

 _ **"No."**_ Leo corrected gently despite he was afraid it will turn a kind of true, _**"because I want you. And if to be with you, I can be with only you and never have sex with Hazel, again, I'm ok with that"**_

" _ **Would ya do it for me"?**_ asked Raph, still incredulous.

" _ **Have you ever think I might be worried about losing you?"**_ he stroked the back of his lover's neck softly.

" _ **No",**_ honestly replied the fireman, " _ **ya didn't seem so preoccupied with my feelings, before. But if yar ready to divorce, if in two months yer wife is not pregnant, if ya do not touch her by then ... Leo, I will be patient and I will wait for ya, babe, because I love ya damn too much to bear to lose ya, too"**_

 ** _"But in exchange, don't be sad anymore, my love. Do we have a deal?"_** Leo asked gently, wiping the firefighter's tears.

 _ **"Yeah, deal",** _ Raph answered with such a confident smile, pure as a child who believes his mother who tells him everything is going to go well, during the Titanic shipwreck.

The promise was sealed with a kiss and Leo made love very tenderly to his partner, very far from the possessive and brutal sex of the day before. He let himself be taken by Raph then, focusing on the well-being felt in his lover's arms and the rest of the Sunday went like an endless session of make-up sex.

He agreed to go out with Raph, in the evening, to a restaurant, which had never happened before. He managed to convince the black man to try the sushi and drowned the voice that screamed in his mind all day long: _"What did you do?"_ with an entire bottle of Chardonnay.

* * *

 _ **This story had to be dramatic and I didn't intend to make a very conventional or happy ending.**_ _ **Those who know me and read my stories, know my inclination for parody or tragedy. I'm not a half-tone person.**_ _ **But if everyone wants an end, more "happy with a RXL" I can try.**_ _**I hope my update is early enough;) Sorry, English slowed me down**_


	13. Blow

On Monday, Leo had left for his work, despite the repeated attempts of Raph, to make him remain _ **.**_ After their night of love, Raph, knowing that the weekend with the policeman was almost over, was anxious _ **. "Take a day off, babe. Stay with me."**_ he said. Leo had explained to him that it was impossible. Raphael seemed stressed by his answer, as if he feared that his lover wouldn't come back and disappear from his life. It is true that if Leo had more will, it might have been possible. Raph ignored his address and he couldn't believe that the fireman would follow him to the police station and chasing him down. But Leo, about Raph, had the consistency of wax. He didn't know why the black man had such a grip on his senses and his heart, but that was true. All night long, Raph's head resting on his chest, he wondered if he no longer loved Hazel. The answer was no. He still loved his wife. He loved them both. The situation was impossible. Yet he had promised Raph to leave Hazel, that innocent poor woman who had always been loyal and devoted. He was such a bastard, even more; a bastard in a mess.

He didn't know what he was going to do. Raphael would wait two months. But if Hazel weren't pregnant ... what would he do? He couldn't divorce. Hazel don't deserve it. But then Raph would have waited for nothing. Would his lover get tired? Or, after the period of two months, being a lover in the shade, would it sufficeto the black man? He had no idea. Raphael had been gentle, submissive, and passionate, the last nigth. Hazel was also kind and submissive, in a sense. She loved him deeply, but she wasn't passionate as Raphael. But Leo said to himself that what he had with Hazel was lasting ... Raph was quite unpredictable. Perhaps he would get tired of Leo and find a lover younger and more energetic than himself. Then he would have lost Hazel and his pleasant quiet life for nothing. It was a Russian roulette. But he loved Raph so much…

Raphael seemed so in osmosis with him now, that he had to feel his hesitation in the morning. He had demonstrated the capacity of seduction of a siren, wishing to divert Ulysses from his journey. But Leo had been firm. He was going to work, up to 5PM. Raph had shut himself up in the bathroom for a quarter of an hour at least, to get out of it with red eyes and rubbing his nose. He had had to cry and Leo had hated himself. He remained patient, however _ **: "Honey, you promised me not to be sad anymore."**_

" _ **I'm not sad, dork ... just nervous ... I should ask ya something and**_..." Raphael seemed to struggle with his emotions.

" _ **Speak, my love. Don't be nervous with me… What is it? "**_ Leonardo asked with tenderness.

" _ **Ya know ... it's my birthday Sunday, so I was wondering, if …nah…forget it."**_ Raphael didn't need to continue. It was a considerable bump in the road. Leo, the day before, on the phone, had promised to his father to spend the weekend at home in Massachusetts with Hazel. He thanked Heaven that, finally, Raph, aware of his situation, could better understand his heartbreak. Raphael had promised to be patient and understanding for two months. He wouldn't insist.

On the other hand, he wanted to please his lover. Therefore, he had said that he would try, and he had fled, in his cowardice, with these words of consolation. He wanted to appease his boyfriend. For the time he could. Raph deserved it. Yes, he will try, he swore to himself. He wanted to make his lover's birthday a memorable day. He couldn't be there for the whole day, but he could try to come back earlier, so eat a slice of cake and see a movie with his lover and make love to him gently or fuck him in this hardcore way they both loved, as he wishes. Raph would be happy with that. The fireman didn't ask so much. And Leo wanted to.

But,alone in his car, without the beloved golden gaze on his, anymore, he realized that all this was just an illusion. He loved Raph. Raph loved him. But was it only a repercussion of September 11, making them vulnerable? What I had with Hazel was truer, more solid. Raph, before this affair, looked cool, happy, in control. Leonardo had come and wrecked everything. For Raph's own good, even if it broke the heart of the policeman ... he wasn't to come back. The kiss of his lover had been passionate and desperate. The black man had put all his love there, as if that would be enough to make Leo return. No. Leo wouldn't come back. He swore to himself, again, torn.

Maybe he was overthinking it again?

He thought of it all day, absent-minded. How he could manage to work in the office, as if he was fine, fooling Karai and the others, was surprising.

It was the end of his working day and, despite all his conscience shouting no, he was heading for Raph's apartment. The firefigther had sent him at least 5 text messages, from _"how are you"_ to _"what do you want for dinner"_ to _"I love you so much"_ and end up with _"I'll handcuff myself to bed, naked, waiting for you "L_ eo had not responded, inflexible, mainly because he couldn't make his mind, but there he is, in front the fireman's place. Leo still had 24 hours to worship each part of the ebony body and he wanted them both to benefit from the remaining time.

It was not selfish. It was for Raph, too. Both needed it.

Raph, on his arrival, looked bad. It looked high, but there was no cannabis smell in the room and not the same kind of "high" as usual. _**"You came ... finally …"**_ Raph exclaimed, euphoric, eyes so bright. Leonardo, silent, looked around him: The apartment was in the same condition as 10 hours earlier. The blue cup, which Leo had used for his morning tea, was still on the table and the plates of breakfast, too. Raph wore the same gray and red sport pants as the morning earlier. And Leo wondered whether Raph would have showered without their morning sex in the shower.

Raphael, however intuitive, didn't seem to notice his discomfort, too eager to see his boyfriend. He seemed restless, but truly happy. _**"I didn't prepare the meal, ya didn't answer ... I don't know enough about yer tastes ... I wanted roast chicken, but I wasn't sure ... Do ya like roasted chicken? I like roasted chicken.**_ _**with paprika on it. But no everybody love paprika. I love spicy things…And ya? Ya must talk more about ya, babe»**_ While he was babbling, quickly and without stopping, with a tic which made him carry his hand under his nose to rub it, while walking through the kitchen and the living room with a quick step, restlessly, the realization struck Leonardo. He had been in the police for a long time to recognize a person under the influence of drugs. It wasn't a mild drug, definitely not. Raph obviously had spent the day taking hard drugs, probably because of the unanswered messages. Several different emotions invaded Leo: remorse, anger, sadness and anxiety.

He decided to confront his lover, unable to bear the invasion of negative emotions that overwhelmed him: _**"You took something, Raphael... What is it? Speed? Ecstasy? Another kind of amphetamine? Cocaine? Speak to me!"**_ he demanded, with an authoritarian voice.

Raph turned aggressive immediately _ **: "I didn't take anything! Yar paranoid! I was just glad to see ya after believed all day you'd abandoned me, despite all yer sweet damn promises".**_ Leo couldn't believe it. Yes, he knew that Raphael was happy to see him and had to be anxious all day. But that wasn't all. There was something else. And if Raph was lying to him and if he took hard drugs secretly, it was too much. Its was the end. Their relationship was already too complicated and dangerous. Raph was not reliable or stable. He couldn't trust him. He didn't really know him, he realized. And he had already compromised himself too much. He had to know if it was all worth it, now. He turned his back to snatch Raphael's leather jacket, without worrying about Raph who tried to stop him. This attitude alone meant everything. Raph had something to hide. Quickly, his hand founds the metal straw into the pocket. He had already seen such an object during searches in his first years of service. He knew the use of it.

 _ **« Babe… »**_ began to explain Raphael.

Leo, a disdainful mask on his face, made a harsh gesture to interrupt him.

 _ **"I am a deputy inspector of the NYPD and I can't afford a cocain addict and a liar, as boyfriend"**_ replied Leo, flatly, throwing the straw in the face of the fireman. He turned his back quickly, wanting to leave, immediately, too shocked. Raph, already on the edges, with sharp reflexes, grabbed him by his artificial arm. _**"How dare ya lecture me when ya lie to me from the first day?"**_

 _ **"Let me go, Raphael. I don't want to hurt you."**_ Leo asked, his voice, firm.

Raph snarled: _**"Ya hurt me all the fucking days. Don't ya dare leave this apartment before explanations. "**_

Coldly, Leo replied _ **: "There has nothing to explain. I'm done with you. For the last time, let me go.**_ "

Raphael now grabbed him like an octopus, holding both his arms and even grabbing a leg with his, his eyes glowing with anger and despair. Raph seemed determined to fight to keep Leo, against his will, in his apartment. But what the fireman didn't know was that despite his superior size and weight, Leo, through his years of ninjustu practice, could break the hold and even seriously hurt Raph in less than a minute. He didn't want to do it, but he had to leave now, too overwhelmed by his sordid discovery, to meditate at home in silence. With Raph he hadn't been able to follow his routine and he needed calm and order, before he became completely crazy.

 _ **« I'll ask you one last time, Raphael.**_ _ **Let go of me. There's nothing you can do.**_ _ **You can't bully me to stay. It's over."**_ Leonardo tried to reason, relentless.

Raph, who, having turned pale in several tones, as the policeman spoke, finally burst into furious imprecations at the last word:

 _ **"Ya fucking bastard, I knew it, I knew it... Ya want to get rid of me and you were looking for an opportunity to do it!**_ _**I wouldn't just sit back and take it like a little bitch. Shit..."**_

Raphael takes a pause, struggling against emotions and swallowing his tears, but instead of begging, as usual or sexually coaxing him, he threatened:

" _ **Ya better believe I'm going down fighting... and I'm not stopping until yer change yer mind and yar mine again!"**_ he yelled.

That was it. He had crossed the line.

With a swift move, Leo broke the hold and Raphael found himself on his back. Stunned, the black man wanted to get up, but he was incapable of it. " _ **Fucking ninja, what have ya done to me?"**_ he cursed with feeling.

 _ **"Pressure point...Don't worry, in 20 minutes you'll be able to get up, but I'll be far away."**_ Leo, seeing his paralyzed lover, was no longer angry. Only sad. He loved Raph, but coming back on what he had said, would allow Raph to continue. Anyway, it was better this way, he tried to convince himself. He had accepted his daily use of marijuana, with difficulty, but cocaine takes the cake. He was a policeman, shit! Responsible in ten days of the precinct. He already had an love's affair. He couldn't add hard drug use to the mix. Above all, Raph, though he swore to love him and be happy, seemed to regress as their relationship deepened. Leo had to stop being a selfish bastard and break-up, without a glance behind for Raph's sake.

" _ **I am sorry for all the horrible and hurtful things I done to you and all the mess I have caused you "**_ struggled Leo " _ **and, without pretending to be able to repair everything, I can at least renounce to you definitively".**_

 _ **"Fuck ya!"**_ Raphael snapped back _ **"Ya can't call it quits with me when I'm paralyzed and I can't do nuttin! Ya don't have the right to do that. Ya don't have the right to decide for the two of us. Ya asshole! I swear to ya, its not ovah! "**_ he roared, his accent thick by the raw emotions.

" _ **If I say that it is finished, it is finished. "**_ replied the black-haired man, firmly. _ **"And I say this end now"**_ Leo growled thought clenched teeth, to make his point, despite his own bleeding heart.

" _ **Fuck that noise! You can say shit! Yar not done with me cause I m sure as fuck not done with ya"**_ bellowed the black man, face twisting in rage.

Leo gave him a brief blank look, to hide his feelings.

" _ **Take control of your life again. You are no longer the man I knew. Without me, you'll be better."**_ he replied quietly.

" _ **Its so damn cliché,"**_ growled the man on the ground.

Leo didn't answer, not wanting to see the tears, not wanting to see the distress behind the wall of his lover's fury. He flees, before changing his mind, _again._

* * *

 _ **Sorry, short chapter, (I wrote others tories today) still no beta. I have taken note of your comments. Thank you for encouraging me, I don't have much confidence.**_


	14. Hazel's return

Leo drove so fast to his house that he avoided a fine for speeding only by showing his badge. He wanted to put as much distance as possible between him and Raphael. Just thinking of his ex-black lover filled him with rage and grief. How had Raph dared to do such things behind his back? Things so dangerous! So immoral! He gritted his teeth all the way to his house. As soon as he arrived in his house, empty and silent, he took a long cold shower, vigorously scrubbing himself, as if to give himself a new skin. It was only in the privacy of his shower that he allowed himself to crack and cry in frustration. How could Raphael have done that?

Still furious, he went down to the kitchen, opened a Tupperware containing the rest of a meal Hazel had prepared for him the previous Wednesday or Thursday, and sniffed it. He threw the contents away, because he hadn't been home over the weekend and his wife would find it strange that he had eaten nothing. Everything had expired anyway. He also threw away the lentil salad and the one with tuna and apples. To further divert suspicions, he also threw away 3 yogurts and 3 whole wheat muffins. He would not be caught by something as stupid as a full fridge. It was the last time he was clearing evidence anyway. His life as an unfaithful husband was now behind him.

With a sigh, he picked a frozen dinner in the freezer and put it into the microwave. After eating the Swedish meatballs, he stood in front of the television without seeing the screen. Although he refused to think of Raphael, he couldn't help himself. What was the fireman doing? Was he with another lover at this very moment to forget Leonardo and their break-up? Of that, he had no doubt: the other male had to be very upset. Leonardo changed the channel absent-mindedly. He had the impression that the cell phone he'd left on the table wouldn't stop vibrating. The sound hurt his ears and set his nerves on edge. He didn't even look if it was Hazel. He doubted it. It must have been Raph.

Leonardo reflected on the black man's threats. He knew that Raphael was harmless and was only hurt by their break-up, but the fireman had asked for it. By taking cocaine, he had buried their love story. Raph knew he was going to be an NYPD deputy inspector. He knew that this behavior couldn't be accepted by a man like him and yet he did it. Leonardo grunted in frustration and went to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He took out three sleeping pills and swallowed them, even though it was only 8pm. He lay down in his empty bed and tried not to think.

A voice kept telling him that everything was his fault. Before September 11, but most of all, before they met, Raph seemed to be fine. Though he didn't know him to the point of knowing all his secrets, Raph seemed in control of his life. Everything seemed to have derailed when Leonardo entered it, because of Leonardo's lies, his absences and his betrayal. Yes, Raph had taken hard drugs behind his back, but had Leo betrayed Raphael the same way by making love to Hazel? That morning, Raph had begged him to stay. If he had, surely Raph would not have snorted the coke. Maybe Raph didn't feel well. Perhaps he had never felt well since Leonardo. Leonardo had known for weeks that his lover bore his absence. But what was he supposed to do? Staying home without working, like Raph? He bit his lips. If the fireman was not back at work, it was his fault, too. If Leo hadn't abandoned him that day, Raph would have been back at his job. Everything was his fault.

The guilt was consuming him, but Leo said to himself that, despite everything, it was an opportunity to regain control of his life. That was a good thing, right? He had promised Raph that he'd leave Hazel and he didn't know how to honor that promise. Raphael was right. He had taken the opportunity to break-up, having no more dangerous promises to respect. But the black man, in this adventure, had lost everything, winning nothing…

Leo, affected by the sleeping pills, fell asleep thinking that he was the biggest scumbag in New York.

The next day, Leonardo got up, ready to respect his schedule again. After his yoga, meditation and jogging, he had been briefly caught off guard by the fact that no one had prepared breakfast. Leonardo was a disaster in the kitchen and could not cook. He took the last muffin, even though it was stale, and a raspberry yogurt, before heading for work. Leo hardly looked at his cell phone. He didn't read the messages and blocked the caller's number. Anyway, he could not afford Raph calling or texting him when his wife was home. Several times, Raphael's random calls almost made him accept them. Of course, that was before he knew about Hazel. But, if he had not broken-up with the fireman the day before, would Raphael have acted with discretion and prudence? Or, rather, impatient, would he have acted in such a way that his wife discovered their secret relationship? The painful scene of the day before, when Raphael had strongly threatened him with the struggle to reconquer him, suggested that no, the black man would not have long contentedly loved him in the shadows.

Thank God, Raph knew only this number and not his address. Of course, the firefighter could show up at the police station at only 0.2 miles from his home, too near for Leo's comfort. He remembered one evening, when it had only been few days that they'd slept together, the fireman had innocently asked him, "How long does it take ya ta get ta work?" Leo had been evasive. "A dozen minutes by car, with the highway." Raphael had then asked, "Why don't ya spend the evening? I'm four minutes away on foot. Ya could even have lunch here." It had almost been impossible to get out of the situation without hurting Raphael. So, he had begun to spend half an hour in the mornings with Raph, but he wouldn't this morning. If Raph was determined to see him, it wasn't the distance that would stop him, but a Police Department was not the best place to start a fight. Even a passionate person like Raphael would have enough sense to realize it. At least, Leonardo hoped so.

After looking cautiously around him, he climbed out of his car. There was no motorcycle and no 6'5 black man in sight, but that didn't stop him from running almost to the front door of his work.

At lunchtime, because Hazel hadn't prepared his lunch bag, Leo went to Café K. It took him six minutes on foot and he stayed there for an hour. The café was in the opposite direction of Raphael's place, but he remained on guard, as he walked there. While he was lunching, he received a message from Hazel, informing him that she was already at the airport and that she'd be home seven hours earlier than expected. And, since Leo probably wouldn't have finished working by then, she would take a taxi home.

The policeman was relieved. Since he had slept at home, he had had time to throw away the expired food that hadn't been consumed. Similarly, he didn't have to cancel the dinner with Raph, which would have disappointed the fireman, since he had promised to stay with him until 9 pm. He made a gesture of exasperation. Why did he still think of his ex-lover? This madness was now behind him. With Hazel home, he would think less.

His work day was almost over. He had spent the day alone with Karai to ensure the relay. Next week, it would be behind him as well. On December 1, he would be at his new post. His superior, although very professional, had always made him feel uncomfortable. As his eyes flew towards the clock, noticing that he had only five minutes left, the amber gaze fell upon him _ **. "Soon, I will not be your superior, Captain. You will be my equal. But we will no longer work in the same building."**_ Leo kept his face neutral, although he understood the implication. Karai wanted to say her advances could no longer be regarded as an abuse of power and that if Leo agreed, their relationship would be more discreet. Leonardo felt an unpleasant shudder. It was not that the deputy inspector was not a seductive woman. She was, but Karai was certainly not made of the same clay as sweet Hazel. He had just come out of a dangerous love affair and it wasn't to fall into a worse one. Karai was going to spit him out after sucking him dry. She was essentially a Black Widow and bad news. _"Beware!"_ seemed to be written all over her.

So, casually, he nodded slightly, putting aside the offer. Karai was far too proud to repeat twice. Her face hardened and she said, _**"You're dismissed."**_ The captain bowed and left, as quickly as he could without looking back and without running.

He really counted the days and November 29 would be his last day under Karai's authority. Thursday was Thanksgiving and then he didn't have to work until the following Monday. He thought briefly about Raphael. He didn't know the exact day, but it was Raphael's birthday soon. Leonardo imagined Raph with red and puffy eyes, with no one to dine with him at Ma's home and to eat the turkey and his birthday cake. Leo suddenly felt immense sorrow and regret. He realized that accompanying Raphael to his family would have given him even more pleasure than he'd thought. He had really been in love with the fireman. He was still in love with him, but Leo knew he had to forget his feelings and Raph for both of their sakes.

When he was inside his car, Leo hesitated for a moment. Stopping at Raphael's and checking that he was okay was very tempting, but Leo knew that Raphael was his weakness and that if he went to him, he would only leave two hours later at the earliest. Leo had a terrible urge to talk to and to question him.

Why did the fireman find relief in the cocaine? Yesterday, the policeman hadn't allowed Raph to justify himself. He had treated him as a suspect and even worse, Raph hadn't been allowed to call a lawyer. Leo hadn't given him time to defend himself, because he knew the real answer: Raph was suffering because of him.

Raph wanted a boyfriend, official and invested, with whom to sleep and to share his life. He needed a daily loving and caring presence, which would give meaning to his life. What Raphael wanted was what nearly everyone in their thirties wanted: a life partner. Raph thought he'd found it in Leo. The black man had offered everything he had in exchange, but Leonardo had proved to be a cheater and a liar, instead of a charming prince.

Leo knocked his head on his steering wheel twice, in self-loathing. He wouldn't stop at Raph's. His ex-lover was better off without a horrible bastard like him.

As soon as Leo opened the front door, Hazel called to him from the kitchen _ **, "Hi darling. I just put the tarts in the oven. We have forty minutes to make love. I am still, until tomorrow, at my peak of fertility."**_

Leo frowned. It wasn't the hasty sex that bothered him, but the reason. Hazel hadn't been longing for him. She wanted the procreator and not the lover. During their sexual intercourse, she would only think of it. She would encourage him to cum, not for pleasure, but to be effective.

A lack of enthusiasm overcame him. He felt as though he had finished his shift at the police department and was beginning his second as a breeding bull. He hated that. He had not lied to Raph. Leo wanted kids, but not at the cost of his love and sex life. The children had to be done out of pleasure and love and not a supplemental factor of stress. Donatello had been clear: stress was detrimental to fertility. And Leonardo said to himself that this was perhaps the reason why he seemed sterile.

He went upstairs with his wife and with a sigh, closed the curtains, while, Hazel quickly undressed. She was eager for his sperm, but not for him. Raphael was languishing somewhere for him and liked sex with him for the pleasure it brought and he liked Leo for Leo himself. Raphael wanted Leo to cum, so that he could know he'd brought his partner to the zenith. For Raph, the important thing was pleasure and making Leo happy. For Hazel, it was when it was the peak of her ovulation. During the rest of the cycle, they had sex, but twice a week, except during menstruation. Leo wasn't disgusted with her blood, but Hazel refused, just like she refused oral and anal sex. The children weren't made in this way.

Leo had never openly complained. His sex life was normal and Hazel looked lovely, she was educated and cultured. She was naturally elegant and was an excellent hostess. Hazel was always even tempered, like Leo, and had had a formidable mother. Leo's father loved Hazel and pretended that she reminded him of his late wife. Yoshi had claimed it, from the moment Leo had presented Hazel to him eight years earlier. Leo sometimes told himself that it was this very comment that had made him marry Hazel, more than the woman herself, despite her perfection. Leonardo had loved his mother so much.

He turned to his wife, who was lying like a starfish, but starfish wanting to be mated. Leo hated that. Raph wouldn't have remained elongated, inert. Raphael would have caressed himself with gluttony and would have tried to seduce Leo with dirty talk. Raph would have prepared himself or he would have started a sexy role-playing game. He would have begged Leo to bite him, to mark him, to claim him, while Hazel was content with her wedding ring. Leo hated that.

It was not that monotony had settled in 5 years of marriage. Leo noticed that it had always been there. During their dating years, before the wedding, there was a novelty appeal, after his relationship with Usagi and Hazel was not absolutely trying to get pregnant.

It was not that his wife's body attracted him less. At 36, Hazel was fine and firm. She took care of herself, even her long dark brown hair didn't have a single white hair.

She was beautiful and sweet. A source of pure water, that was so refreshing. But Raph was magnificent and intense like a fire. And Leo, obviously, had found a fetish for burns. He continued to think of the black man, while gently caressing his wife's body. If this image were removed from his head, he would lose his erection. He closed his eyes.

He couldn't. His guilt prevented him from thinking of Raph, unhappy and furious, somewhere, smoking, drinking or snorting. His stress prevented him from concentrating on Hazel, claiming his sperm. She was 36 years old, almost 37. Her biological clock sounded since his first meeting with Leonardo. Don predicted another 5 years of maximum fertility, but by the age of 38, the risk of problems or malformations increased. Hazel was so conscious of this fact that she was an insatiable nymphomaniac during ovulation.

All of Hazel's friends said that Leo was such a good match. He was attractive, fit, a good man, with a career and without any vices. Leo didn't smoke, didn't drink, didn't bet, didn't curse didn't go to stripper clubs and wasn't violent or rude. He was a model husband and a great father-to-be.

No one had seen Leonardo, a sneaky son of a bitch.

He couldn't pretend any longer. To the hell, for this month. He could when his break-up with Raphael would be older. _**"I can't."**_

The black pearls of her eyes fixed him with a horror that definitively softened his sex, that was already half-hard.

 _ **"What, why not? I only have until tomorrow."**_

Leo drew back as if he were a vampire, who'd been sprinkled with holy water. " _ **That's the reason, the deadline, the stress ..."**_

Hazel still looked quite shocked and Leo got angry for the first time in their married life. " _ **I'm not a fucking machine. That you remain there, lying, with legs apart, doesn't help me".**_ Hazel straightened up, insulted. " _ **What are you talking about? I don't do anything differently than usual."**_

" _ **That's the point! Do something for once!"**_ Leo snapped.

 _ **"Leonardo, you're going to turn thirty-six-years-old in February. I think you've had enough wild sex in your life to turn to a more serious goal now."**_ That was it; the petty suggestion about his homosexual relationship with Usagi. Leonardo was not going to react. He didn't want them to have a fight. Not tonight. He was too upset to handle all of this: His break-up with Raph, Karai's sexual advances, his father waiting for him this weekend to remind him that Leo, with such a wife and job, had everything to be happy about, except for the children and Donatello's sly smile during Thanksgiving.

Leonardo tried to calm down, remorseful for his outburst. _ **" Hazel, it's a lot of stress. You no longer see me as a lover. You see me as a breeder.**_ "

" _**You do not want to be a father?"**_ she asked in an upset tone.

 _ **" Honey it's not that. As I say, it's because ... "**_

" _ **Don't you find me attractive? I'm old?**_ "

 _ **" Damn, its not that, Hazel ... "**_

" _ **Why are you cursing? That's twice now. "**_

Leo said nothing, but it was true that since he'd been in contact with Raph, his vocabulary had become more colorful.

He didn't have time to answer. _ **"I still have all of my limbs. Anyone heterosexual would still find me attractive,"**_ she replied, angry.

He saw that Hazel immediately regretted the hurtful remark. She was always amiable and sensitive, but their infertility had reached her too suddenly. That Leo denied her sex and therefore a hope of being a mother, was too much for her to bear. Leo, despite everything, didn't listen to the words of request for forgiveness and put on jeans.

 _ **"Where are you going? The dinner is almost ready?"**_ _Hazel asked anxiously_ _ **.**_

 _ **"Where I am not thought of as incompetent and so disgusting."**_

Hazel tried to coax him, as Raphael had done so many times before, but the fireman had done it out of pure love. Hazel had to do it in the hope that later on in the evening he would at last fertilize her.

He took a dark blue t-shirt, almost black, with the word _"Fearless"_ printed on it in white, which he'd used to mow the lawn. But he wasn't even man enough to mow the lawn, according to Donatello and Hazel. With this t-shirt, his prosthesis was obvious. But who cares? He had given an arm for September 11. Others had given their lives and he couldn't whine about his fate.

He removed Hazel's arms from around his waist and didn't listen to her pleading. Nor had he listened to Raphael's pleadings. It was fair, in a way. In any case, what was the use of denying it, since the day before, he only wanted to be in one place? He took his keys and his cell phone and went out, Hazel in tears, behind him. _**"That's not what I meant, my love,"**_ _she wept_ _ **. "Don't go. We've plenty of time until tomorrow. I 'll be more active."**_

He knew it. Hazel didn't want to lose the opportunity. That was all. Did she really love him? And did he still love her, as he'd believed, a few days earlier? He was no longer certain. He turned the engine key and left.

He didn't go to Raph's. He didn't dare. Anyway, before throwing himself into the lion's den, he wanted to think. He turned round for a moment. It was not yet 7 p.m. He stopped near Raph's neighbourhood, in a pizzeria on Coney Island Ave, a few blocks from Dusty's. It had been more than 24 hours since he had left Raphael. Was Raph going to drown his trouble in bourbon tonight? We were only together on Tuesday, but a guy like Raphael didn't give a damn about the schedule, especially on medical leave. Maybe Raph was at home, mad, smoking weed to calm down. Or he was drinking at Dusty's. Or he was with his Ma or his brother Casey. Maybe he was fine or maybe he was happy to be rid of Leo. Maybe Raphael, just like Hazel, didn't really like him, but only had a temporary need for him?

Maybe he was overthinking it, again.

He had left his cellphone in the car, not wanting to be disturbed by Hazel's desperate call, in his sombre reflections. The pizza was oily and unappertizing without Raph's company. Leo sighed in frustration. It was now 8 p.m. and he was at the same point. He suddenly decided to go to Dusty's.

Maybe he was on the black list since the fight. Perhaps Raph wouldn't even be there, but his friends, yes, would say how ridiculous Leo had looked waiting for him. He didn't care. He had to do something pro-active before he became completely mad. Despite appearing calm and a master of self-control, Leonardo had always known that he had a hot as hell temper. It had made him leave without listening to Raphael and Hazel's explanations. He was going to fix it, starting with Raph, if he had the opportunity. Hazel could always call a friend, her sister or her mother, to whine that Leo was a jerk. Raph was far too proud and would confide his sorrows only to the King Bourbon, the White Lady and the Green Queen. Things that Leo didn't want Raph to use for comfort.

The policeman arrived at Dusty's, determined. If Raph was there, it was because fate had wanted it so. If he wasn't there, well, too bad. Leo would have two drinks and if at the end Raphael was still not there, he would go home. He knew it was early and there was a slim chance of the black man being there, but it was his only chance, not too involving. Not to tempting to kiss his full and sweet black lips.

As soon as Leo entered the bar, the old woman recognized him. " _ **You come to break jaws or hearts tonight, captain?"**_ She didn't seem very glad to see him and Leonardo couldn't blame her. _**"Or you come paying your boyfriend's tab? I was just going to call him a taxi. He's been here since three p.m. He's drunk and broke as well."**_ Leo, his heart pounding, pushed Dusty away to see the head of his ex-lover with his braided hair so characteristic, leaning on his folded arms on a table.

" _ **Raph!"** _ Leo said. The fireman didn't raise his head. Leo shook him softly. Raph muttered, _ **«Fuck yer money, Dusty. I'll pay ya back with my first paycheck."**_ Leo was flabbergasted. Raph, as he'd feared, was not only jeopardizing his health, his income too.

" _ **How much does he owe you?"**_ Leo asked Dusty softly.

" _ **Yesterday, he drank until closing time and said that he had forgotten his wallet and he seemed so out of his mind that I believed him. But his credit card was refused."**_

Leo sighed and said, _**"So, how much is it? I'll pay."**_

Raph shook his head, but his face remained dazed, his eyes glazed, as if he did not recognize Leonardo, and seeing his ex-lover so ravaged, struck Leo like a dagger. Dusty said, _**"Including the glasses he broke yesterday, it's $ 475."**_ Leo's eyes widened in disbelief. Was it possible to drink so much, almost a week's pay for several people in just one day? Did Dusty want to abuse his generosity? While the old woman assured him that there was no mistake and Leo was counting his cash, as well as taking out his credit card, realization hit the fireman.

" _ **Is that ya?"**_ Raph asked in a thick voice. _**"Did ya come ta arrest me?"**_

Leo shook his head _ **. "No, Raph. I'm here to take you home."**_ It took a few moments for the drunk man to assimilate the policeman's words and his glassy eyes fell on Dusty's cash and his anger flamed. _**"Dis asshole will not pay for me, as if I was his bitch".**_ The old woman shrugged, as she took the cash and walked away from the lovers' quarrel that promised to be vicious.

 _ **"Raph, I beg you, calm down. I didn't come here to fight, hon ... uh, Raph, I'll take you home,"**_ Leo pleaded, hoping that Raph didn't remark on his slip of the tongue.

" _ **Fuck ya. I'm sure as fuck ain't comin' with ya! I begged ya yesterday and ya walked away after paralyzin' me with yer damn ninja trick. I'm rid of ya, finally, so go fuck yerself! Or yer wife!"**_

" _ **You didn't beg me. You threatened me,"**_ Leo replied matter-of-factly.

Raph roared a string of vicious insults, calling Leo such names that the people around them appeared shocked, despite the fact that they were not innocent children.

Leo listened to Raph cursing him for several minutes. It mattered little to him. Raph could claim to be happy not to have Leo in his life, henceforth, his time at the bar, his pitiful state, his anger. All showed that the man was wounded to the core.

With great gentleness, Leo stroked Raph's cheeks. Raph leaned back, as if he was burned, and shouted to Leonardo not to touch him, but Leo remained patient. He had often brought drunk men into a patrol car. Raph's wrath didn't impress him at all _ **. "Come with me,"**_ he replied with gentle determination _ **. "Fuck ya,"**_ Raph replied, stubborn, but he leaned up, anyway, Leo passing an arm under his shoulder. Leo soon had proof that Raph's rage was fake, just as he'd thought, and that the fireman still cared for him. _**"Don't fuck yer arm for me. Yer bro, the jerk, would be pissed at ya again."**_

Though it was not wise, Leo nuzzled against Raph's neck. _**"Don't worry about me. My concern is only for you."**_

Raph snorted and said, _**"I wipe my ass with yer concern."**_ But he didn't resist being dragged outside.

Leonardo helped Raphael to walk to the car, as Raph himself had done a month ago, when Leo had fled after their first kiss. Raph had to think about it too. _**"That night, ya should have told me."**_

 _ **"Yes, I know,"**_ murmured the policeman. " _ **I was stupid and selfish".**_ Raph shook his head, without Leo knowing whether he agreed or disagreed. The ride of a few minutes was silent. Raphael had his head against the car window, his eyes closed. He had to fight against the nausea, but he held it until they were in front of the firefighter's house. Leonardo parked and hesitated. Should he get out of the car and take Raph to bed with two aspirins? He had come to talk, but Raph was not in a condition to talk.

Raph opened his misty eyes and said, " _ **So, ya have not changed yer mind, have ya?"**_ Leonardo smiled at him tenderly. Behind his lone wolf's facade, Raph still hoped and loved him. Such loyalty, such love, touched him. _**"Raph, come in. You have to sleep. We'll talk next time,"**_ the policeman replied, despite it not being an answer.

Leo dragged Raphael out of the car and carried him, despite the fact that he was so heavy, to his house. He searched Raph's pockets for his keys and Leo felt Raph's body stiffen. Raph didn't want him rummaging in his pockets and Leo's heart sank. He didn't want to search the other male and he didn't want to find any cocaine in his lover's pockets. Leo only wanted to comfort Raph and put him to bed: _ **"Easy, my love. I only want your keys,"**_ he whispered. When he switched on the light in the apartment, the condition of the apartment shocked him. Everything in the interior had been ransacked. A tornado would have done less damage. _**"Turn off the light, shit,**_ " Raph muttered, blinking. Cautiously, Leo slipped between the broken plates and glasses and walked over to the room, in the dark. But, Raph's stomach had other ideas and the black man emerged to throw up in the toilet. Raph signalled to Leo, who was shocked, and he stood by the door. Between bouts of vomiting, Raph told him to go. _**"Leave me alone, shit. I don't want ya ta see me like this."**_ Leo told himself that since their reunion, Raph seemed to be saying the opposite of what he really wanted. He crouched beside Raph and stroked his hair. _**"No,"**_ he said softly. " _ **You need me."**_

 _ **"I'm fucking fine on my own," Raphael**_ spluttered obstinately.

Leo went to get a glass of glass of water and when he returned, he saw that Raph had had thought that he had abandoned him again. Proud or still upset, Raph didn't show his relief to see that this wasn't the case. Raph took the glass and, with some gratitude, drank it. _**"Yer a lot sexier when yer dressed like a normal guy,"**_ Raph said with difficulty, eyes closed in discomfort. " _ **If you think so, I'll dress like that more often to please you."**_ Raph snorted in disbelief, but had a small smile. " _ **There's no one waitin' for ya at home?"**_ the drunk man asked in a whisper, obviously remembering Hazel's return. Leo immediately thought of Hazel, who was languishing at home. Hazel shouldn't indulge in hard liquor or drugs. Hazel was fine, compared to Raphael. She hadn't the heart to crumble. Last Friday, he had made love to her, before joining Raph for their weekend. She was on her first day of ovulation. She had her sperm dose necessary for a pregnancy to be possible. In any case, to return and handle her questions and her pressure for reproductive sex didn't tempt him at all. _**"As I said earlier,"**_ _Leo said_ _ **, "Tonight I'm only concerned about you."**_

Raph awoke a few hours later, on the cold floor of the bathroom. Despite his pounding head and stiff limbs, the heat of a body against his, filled him with well-being. It took him a second to realize who this body was. Then he saw the artificial arm hugging him. Leo had coiled up behind him and his breath tickled Raphael's neck. Raphael took advantage of the contact for a moment and closed his eyes. He didn't remember exactly the day before, as Leo had told him, stroking his braided hair while he was vomiting. What he remembered was the living hell that had been the day after their breakup. Raphael had thought he was going mad, alone, his lover refusing to send him the slightest sign of life. Slowly and quietly, Raph moved away from the policeman's embrace. The fireman, despite his size, could be silent when he wanted to be. Leo wasn't the only one with the skills of a fucking ninja.

Leonardo had abandoned his wife last night to come and find him. She hadn't come back? They had quarreled? Leo had realized that he was no longer in love with his wife? Raph knew nothing about it, but what he knew was that he would no longer feel the cryogenic bite of being abandoned, even ignoring where the motherfucker, who made him suffer, is in this fucking huge city. Leo had ignored his messages, his calls, but if Raph could have found him, Leo couldn't have ignored him this time. He went to the kitchen, where their coats were. Raphael took a pen and a note pad for the grocery, not trusting his memory, and searched the policeman's pockets without shame. Leonardo had thoroughly searched him. He took out his lover's wallet and his driving license. _ **"Gotcha, bitch!"**_ he mumbled, writting down Leo's address. He grabbed a glass of water, went back to the bathroom, took Leo in his arms, asleep on the floor, and carried him to his room.

* * *

 _Thanks to Kerry-Anne, who agreed to be my beta for my english. Without her and your encouragement, I will not have continued. I decided to go over the drama and I hope you will like this late chapter._


	15. The New Deal

Leo woke up, his biological clock telling him it was time. It only took him a moment to remember where he was and the events of the day before. _**"Shit,"**_ he said, panicked, and checking his phone for the time. It was already 6 a.m. and the first time as a married man that he hadn't slept at home. Hazel must be upset. Raph lazily opened his eyes and wrapped an arm possessively around Leo's chest. _**"Too early. Come here,"**_ Raph said **.** He stifled all protests by capturing Leo's lips with his own. _ **"I want ya,"**_ Raph whispered huskily, his hot breath against Leo's ear. _**"I wanna fuck ya so hard, make ya scream and make ya beg me. I want ya ta go back not bein' able ta walk straight and everyone ta see that ya got fucked so hard that even after two hours, ya still feel the after-glow of our lovemakin'."**_ Leo's stomach flipped. It was the kind of thing Hazel would never say, even if she was threatened with a revolver.

" _ **I will pound ya into the mattress,"**_ Raph continued in a seductive tone, very aware of the affect his words were having on Leo. _ **"Ya will feel the burn and stretch all day."**_

Raph, waited with baited breath to see what the results of his words would be. Out of curiosity, when he'd put Leo to bed, he'd read the messages Hazel had sent Leo. She'd apologized, had promised to be a better lover and to be more active during sex. Raph didn't think more about it than was necessary. If Leo wanted his wife less sexually, it was because Raph gave him better sex or was more appealing to the policeman. Raphael didn't want to lose his advantage, knowing his still fragile position, because of the cocaine incident.

Raphael knew his lover. One of Leo's weaknesses was the flesh and the other was his pride. Leo never backed down from a challenge. _**"What? Ya can't handle me, Fearless?"**_ Leo narrowed his eyes at both the challenge and the new nickname. " **What did** _ **you call me?"**_

Raph pointed to the t-shirt: _**"I like yer T-shirt and the nickname suits ya, because ta come back ta me was brave. And I don't know what ta call ya anymore."**_

Leo said nothing. He knew it was more of his weakness, the need to be loved and to love an expressive and grateful person than the audacity that brought him here.

But, Leonardo knew Raphael as well. Leo knew the challenge was a way to keep him here. Raph, having thought he had lost him, wanted to be assured that there was still something between them.

The black man was more a man of actions than words. If Leo's cock hardened, it was because he still loved him and so they were still together. That was what made Raphael so appealing. His soul was so pure and honest. Leo sometimes felt like he was a pedophile. Raph, despite being 280 pounds, was like a five-year-old child.

It wasn't that simple. Leo had come to Raph to listen to him and his explanations. Then it was Hazel's turn. Raph had had plenty of sex all weekend. Leo had told Hazel no. In a spirit of justice, though it was foolish to be just in adultery, he wished to keep the balance between them. It was already a lot.

 _ **"Sorry. Not today,"**_ Leosaid. He stood up, realizing that he was still wearing his navy boxers and his T-shirt, but Raph, without awakening him, had managed to remove his jeans. Leonardo held out his arms for his jeans that Raph had carefully folded when he was asleep.

" _ **Not today or not ever?"**_ Raph wanted to know and Leo saw the anxiety in his golden eyes.

" _ **Raph, I'm here, because I wanted to listen to you and to see that you were all right..."**_

" _ **Okay. Ya got yer answer, Fearless."**_ Leo understood the meaning behind Raph's sharp reply. The destruction of almost all of his belongings and the consumption of alcohol clearly proved that Raph wasn't well.

" _ **Raph ..."**_ Leo began, struggling to find the words. _**"I don't think I'm a good person for you. You may not be a good person for me either, but I really love you. I don't think you can do anything for me to stop loving you, but if you go on like that, I can't be with you."**_ That was Leo's most sincere answer.

" _ **I wanted to tell you that and to listen to what you had to say about this matter, but I have to go to work. My wife spent the night with no news from me. I know that you have also had a day without news,"**_ he added quickly, seeing Raph pouting _ **." But I must go home now and reassure her. We had a fight, I left and my uniform is there and..."**_

" _ **So, this is how it will work, chief? Ya will distribute yer favors fairly between yer two bitches?**_ **"** Raph asked, snarling.

Raphael knew that an argument with Leonardo would not help him, but he couldn't help himself. Yesterday, Leo had rejected his wife's advances, but the fireman feared that his wife would do a better job at coaxing him. She had known him for years and had to know how to awaken her husband's guilt. She had official rights. Raph's position was much less solid and Leo seemed to be a man desiring a trouble-free existence. But the thought that Leo could kiss another person consumed him with so much jealousy that he trembled in rage. He had to release some of his anger and fear before it strangled him.

Leo was just as furious. Hearing his wife called a bitch made him want to punch Raph. The black man had called himself a bitch too, but Leo felt more obliged to avenge his absent and innocent wife's honor. " _ **Don't you dare drag my wife into this,"**_ Leo snapped **.** _ **"She has nothing to do with it,"**_ he added, grinding his teeth. _**"I'm the asshole. If it makes you feel better, insult me, but not her."**_

Raphael understood that his jealous rage meant he'd crossed the line, so he stepped back.

" _ **It's true. Yer an impossible asshole, but I love ya. Go now, before yer late. We'll meet again later."**_

Leo sighed and said, " _ **I feel the same way about you. You are the most difficult person I know, but I love you deeply, too."**_

Confident, Raph stepped forward and boldly raised Leo's chin, kissed him deeply and placed Leo's hand on his swollen cock that was trapped in his scarlet boxers.

" _ **Go now. Dis will wait for ya, fully loaded,"**_ he whispered seductively. Leo bit his lip. The heat coming from Raph's cock ignited his blood, but it was almost 6:30 am now and he had to leave.

Leo wrapped his fingers around it, rubbing the hard cock through the thin bamboo fabric. Raph moaned and his cock under Leo's skilled fingers, grew erect again. Leo's insides twisted and he threw back his head to let Raphael nibble his collarbone. Raphael bit and sucked and Leo was site that there would be a huge purple hickey.

Leo didn't care. He still didn't have his jeans on him and if he let Raph keep going another two minutes, he would not put them on today.

It was so unfair. This cock filled with sap, life, just for him. Raph loved sex as much as he did, maybe more. Abstinence for the black man was more difficult than for Hazel. Anyway, his wife was only crying, because of a lost chance at becoming a mother and not because of him or making love to him. Leo, despite his possessiveness, didn't deserve Raph's fidelity. Perhaps if Raph had another lover, he would take fewer drugs and alcohol. Leo was as jealous as Raph, but if he had to choose between seeing his lover dead from an overdose or with someone else, he would go with the former, even though it would hurt him.

While he put on his jeans, Leo said, " _ **I love you. I really do, but I don't want you to be alone and to mope. That's unfair. Perhaps that's why you're looking for comfort in places where you won't find it, like drugs and alcohol. I'd rather see you with another man than find you dead from an overdose.**_

Raph grew serious. _**"I don't want another man. I want ya. Life and love are unfair.**_ _**On September eleventh, many honest and deserving people died. People bet and lose every day. Ya may not be the right horse, but I put everythin' I have on ya, I'd rather wait for ya than lose ya. I know ya, Leo. Ya offer me this, but you'd be jealous. I told ya that I'm yers and I will keep that promise, but ya promised me somethin' as well."**_ The amber eyes shone with emotion. " **I** _ **see clearly through ya, Fearless. Ya refused sex this morning, because ya refused it ta yer pretty wife yesterday. Ya wanna offer me freedom ta take yer.**_ _**Ya wanna treat us fairly Leo? Ya promised not ta touch her again. Are ya gonna be chaste with me too now? I don't see ya leadin' a monk's life. Unless ya have a third horse somewhere in yer closet. Yer so sneaky, babe".**_ Leo said nothing, while another pair of golden eyes came to his mind. But Karai was not an option that Raph had to fear.

" _ **Ya have ta ask yerself why ya became committed with me, a drug addict and an alcoholic, and why ya made promises ta me. I'll promise ya somethin' too. Here the deal. Don't do yer wife and I won't do drugs either."**_

A wave of happiness overcame Leo. Raph's promise was pure gold, just like his love. The cocaine incident was forgotten. Raph seeing the blue-steel eyes shining with love and gratitude and seeing that he had Leo's attention, pushed further. Raphael emptied his jacket's pockets and handed Leo his metal straw and two bags of cocaine. He went to the living-room, opened the wooden box under the couch and handed Leo his pipe and the few grams of weed that he had.

Seeing Raph's confidence, love and commitment made Leo's heart race. He put down the drugs, grabbed his cell and for the first time in his life was irresponsible about work. He typed a message to Karai and said that he would be late. _**"So, you said earlier that you thought I couldn't handle what you wanted to give me …"**_ he said with a grin.

It was past eight when Leo entered his house. Raph had kept his promise. Walking was difficult. After fucking him senseless, Raph had demanded that he keep his navy boxers, leaving Leo with nothing under his jeans. Leo was still in his after-glow, his head full of erotic memories. So, it was an icy shower when the front door opened and he saw Donatello, whose face was dark in anger.

" _ **You jerk!"**_ _Don_ _yelled_ _ **. "How dare you leave us at night without news? Hazel, you know, your wife, was mad with anxiety. I didn't go to work, because I was unable to leave her alone while you were ... where the fuck were you?"**_

Leo remembered by this implication, that it was Donnie who had denounced him to the fireman. It was a good thing that Leo no longer had to hide this from Raphael and he was unaware of what point he had made on purpose. But this interference in his private life was too much. _**"Get out,"**_ Leo shouted _._ _ **"I don't care if you're the only one able to make my prosthesis work! Anyway, for you, for her, at work, I'm no longer good at anything.**_ _**According to you, I should have died that day, like the others."**_ Hazel, who, upon hearing her husband's voice, had started coming downstairs, stopped and cried out in pain, causing Donnie, who was usually so sarcastic, to turn pale, his eyes wide open. _**"What the hell are you talking about? I never said that. I care about you, you ungrateful bastard!"**_ he exclaimed, shocked.

While Hazel sobbed, Donnie, disturbed, continued, " _ **Leo, I don't care about your career ambitions. You can't do it! Things become out of hand. You've been through a lot of stress. Such trauma can not be taken lightly. You may be depressed,** **y** **ou may be suffering from** **a post-traumatic syndrome, that's** **understandable...** **Your attempts to conceive a child must make you anxious too, as it does Hazel. You mu _st n_ ot see yourself as a failure, you're a warrior! You were very brave that day. And we are all very proud of you."**_

Leo snorted and said, _**"No matter what you say, I'm late for work."**_

Leonardo was not there to argue. He wanted to reassure Hazel that he was fine and to invite her to a restaurant to talk. Donatello's presence had upset him and Don's hatred had reminded Leo of the pain that Don had caused Raph. Leo climbed the stairs beside Hazel, who was curled up. Why had she called Donnie, anyway, of all the people in the world? Yes, she'd been Don's friend first, before she and Leo had became a couple, but Hazel had to know that Leo hated that their privacy had been invaded and was now public.

Donne was the worst. He made a personal case of everything that affected Leo and it became heavier with September 11th. It was not because Don was a doctor and had finished first out of his University classmates. Leo would let himself be lectured by him. He was just his little brother. Nothing more, nothing less. He went up to his room, locking the door and dressed in his uniform. He went downstairs and while Hazel sobbed in Donatello's arms, guilt overcame him, but in Donnie's presence, Leo didn't want to talk. He would see Hazel later. Anyway, she had to go to work in less than half an hour. Donnie, seeing that Leo had a hand on the door handle and was so pissed off at him, tried one last attempt at reconciliation.

 _ **"So, Leo. Do you want to leave for Massachusetts tonight or tomorrow morning? We can take one car, because we're all going to the same place."**_ Leo thought back to Raph, their last kiss and his last words: _"Wish me a happy birthday, babe. Ya will not see me again before then and until we meet, I will_ _keep the boxers as a gift."_ He had not answered Raphael, but he would answer Donnie. " ** _I will not go,"_** Leo said and slammed the door behind him.


	16. Confusion and apprehension

Leo regretted his anger a few hours later. Working under his superior's cold gaze, he still wondered what had made him so irate. Raph had come to assume such importance in his life that he was ready to sacrifice everything? He had not seen his father for months. The man didn't deserve this treatment. Hazel, for the first time, had been mean, but was he the same way with her that he'd always been? And, after all, wasn't he the one that had been deceiving her? She wanted a child and that was understandable. All of her friends and colleagues, even those that were younger than her, had children. At her age and if she didn't become pregnant this year, Hazel could probably have only one and not the 2 or 3 that she wanted. The sterility affected her and it was normal. Leo had proposed adoption, but she'd rejected it, saying that as long as she was not 42, she hoped to still have biological children.

Leo briefly thought of Raph, who had proposed the adoption. For him, it was simple. Was Raph himself not adopted? Leo realized that he didn't see himself raising children with Raphael. Anyway, it was still illegal for two men to adopt and raise children together in New York. But, maybe it was a sign that Raphael wasn't the right one for him. Why did he love Raph? Was it for the incredibly good sex? And did Raph love him for the same reason? Did they both suffer from post-traumatic syndrome? Was their attraction only temporary? Could he spend his life with Raph admitting that Hazel divorced him, because Donnie had told her that Leo had a lover?

He thought of Donatello and of avenging the grief he caused Raph when he told him that Leo was married. Over the years, Donnie had increasingly interfered in Leo's life. It had all started with Usagi. Donnie had not approved of the relationship. He had sworn to Leo that this had nothing to do with the fact that Usagi was a man, but according to Donnie, the relationship was not serious. Leo had not listened to him and the relationship had been perfect for the first eight or nine months and had then crumbled. Usagi had met a woman and, 16 months after his and Leo's relationship had begun, Usagi had dumped Leo.

The policeman had remained friendly with his ex, but it took a while to get to that point and only happened when he met Hazel, whom he'd met fifteen months after his and Usagi's breakup. Donatello had desperately tried to introduce Leo to the young women he knew, because he thought Leo was depressed. Anyway, it was nothing new. Donnie, who saw diseases everywhere since their mother's death, diagnosed him as suffering from depression. According to Donatello, the fact that Leo had waited until he was 23 to start dating was a great indicator that something was wrong with him.

Leo was studying and starting his career at the time and so was Donnie, who didn't have a partner. Leo felt like he was abnormal and felt compelled to court women. After a few attempts at dating them, he'd met Usagi. After the breakup, finding that Leo was training too much and didn't eat or sleep enough, Donnie had tried to find a replacement for Usagi. Finally, on a Saturday, fifteen months after Leo and Usagi's breakup and three weeks after Usagi's marriage, Leo had introduced Hazel to their father. It had worked.

Hazel had the same dark brown hair as his mother and was also a tranquil person. She loved to cook and she loved Leo. It had been a whirlwind for her. She had come with Donnie, but she had left in Leo's car. They had stopped at a motel and had made love all night. Leo had been chaste for 16 months.

Leo admitted that Hazel had been a rebound thing, but her sweetness of character, her rare beauty and her attachment to him had conquered him. Hazel wasn't a dependent woman either. She was a curator at the Brooklyn Museum and between them for their second anniversary as a couple, they bought a lovely blue and yellow house with a backyard in a middle-class neighborhood. Hazel had always been clear that she wanted children.

One year after buying the house, they had married and started trying to conceive a child. For the first two years, Donnie had remained in the shadows, occupied with his own life, especially with his work, but then he'd returned, interfering in their life with his lab coat and hormones. Leo wanted Donnie to find a woman and have children of his own, so that he would not worry about his case, but Don said that he was "too busy" for that.

On September 11, Leo had been resuscitated, having suffered major blood loss. He remembered virtually nothing about it, except for Donnie fussing over him.

Since then, Don was breathing down his neck.

Leo remembered that Hazel had been weeping, because she would not have a child to remember her husband by. Leo also remembered what she'd told Donnie and he was almost positive that it was neither a hallucination nor a dream. Since then, Leo told himself that Hazel had lost her years of fertility with him. If he died, she could have remarried and found a fertile partner. If he were dead, Don might have more time to devote himself to his own life. At work, Leo felt like a dead weight and useless. Karai managed everything and he wondered how he could replace her. He did not understand why he had not remained a mere sergeant, like he had been when he was with Usagi. He'd been more active and had felt more efficient.

Since then, Leo had had to live with disgusted and pitiful looks from everyone. Leo thought he was nothing remarkable, but many had remarked before that he was handsome. That was no longer the case. Except for Raph, who gazed at him with eyes full of desire, like a client of the club where Jessica Rabbit was performing. But perhaps Raph, too, was depressed and didn't know where he was, despite his present sincerity. Maybe he was pretending to love him.

Leo's thoughts didn't help him now. He had shouted at Donnie for the first time in his life that he would not come to Thanksgiving at their father's place. His father didn't deserve it, but Leo felt stifled. He no longer wanted pitful looks. Hazel thought he was disabled and sterile and not a good lover. Don thought he was depressed and his father thought he was a hero. Leo only wanted to be himself and to be loved and desired for that and nothing else.

He didn't know if it was a wise decision, but he wanted to see what Raph would bring him if he chose him over his own family this weekend. Raph, to keep him, stopped taking drugs. Would Hazel give up hope of becoming a mother to keep him? He was so confused and not being able to talk about it calmly with his wife did not help him decide. He didn't want to get a divorce. He was not yet sure of himself. He needed to go a little further with Raph, get to know him, see if he was reliable and could keep his promise and then he could decide. Of course, if Hazel was pregnant, the decision was clear. He would accept his responsibilities and stay with her. Without doubt if Hazel became pregnant, his life would be calm again.

But once she had a child, they would begin to make love every Wednesday and Saturday, which was the schedule Hazel had established. Perhaps, with his prosthesis, he was less attreactive and she would want less sex and with the energy demanded by the baby, she'd be tired and sex would only happen on Saturdays. Leo gritted his teeth, but Karai pulled him out of his thoughts.

 _ **"Captain, you must know that I recommended you for this promotion. I hope I don't regret it."**_

" _ **No, madam. I hope not. "**_

" _ **I always believed that you were a very capable man, Captain Hamato, and a born leader. That's why I recommended you. I suppose your attitude of the last few weeks is only temporary,"**_ she said icily.

Leo told himself that if he was a born leader, like Karai thought, he would not agonize about something so stupid as to know where he would spend Thanksgiving.

" _ **We'll have our lunch together, because I still have to talk to you."**_

With such a direct order, Leo couldn't escape. He wanted to take advantage of the lunch break, to talk to Hazel on the phone and then, perhaps to Raph and announce, according to his discussion with Hazel, his decision for the weekend. The idea of the joy he could offer his lover gave him butterflies in his stomach. His decision was almost taken then. Leo wanted to take the distance to reflect in Raph's arms, but he would never dare to do something so stupid as send a text message in front of the deputy-inspector and her sharp look.

They went to eat sushi, not far from Dusty's, on Avenue J. They had been there for a quarter of an hour discussing business, when someone called him and made him look up. A beautiful red-haired woman and Raph's brother was in front of them.

 _ **"I'm sorry to disturb you in the middle of your break, Leo, but my girlfriend wanted me to introduce her to my brother's new lover**_."

A ton of brick falling on him would have shaken him. Karai knew that Leo was married. It was the only thing that had prevented her from pinning Leo to her sheets. Karai had offered him this place, because she respected him and found him honorable. He didn't want to lose his intact reputation in the police force and discredit himself in front of his colleague.

Pale and in panic, thinking that if Donatello hadn't told Hazel the truth, Karai was certain to tell her, Leo did the most cowardly thing in the world: he denied it.

He bowed coldly to Casey's girlfriend.

 _ **"I think you're mistaken. I'm only a friend of Raphael's,**_ " Leo said, feeling the stares of Casey and Karai.

Casey frowned. Leonardo seemed a good man, but the truth was that since he'd known him, Raphael wasn't doing well. Raphael was crazy in love about Leo and perhaps it was because of the girl with Leo that the policeman denied being in a loving relationship with him. Casey's blood boiled and anger overcame him. He had spoken with Raph earlier, who'd told him about all the new resolutions that had come about thanks to the policeman. Casey suddenly feared that his brother was mistaken and that the policeman didn't love him like Raphael believed. He feared a new heartache for his brother, much worse than it had been with Chame. He had never seen his brother so passionately in love in his entire life.

" _ **Oh, my mistake. That you spent last night with him led me astray. Come on, April,"**_ he said, with disdain.

Leo regretted not being a woman to faint from the shook and being a police officer, who could not hit Casey. Karai, being very clever, must have already done the math. Leo had arrived late to work, because he'd been having an affair with a man.

On the other hand, after that, Leo couldn't go and eat at Ma's with Raph after this scandal. Casey, rightly, had to be pissed off at him. Leo was also angry. Casey had seen that he was with his superior. Why should he tell her what went on in his private life? Now he was in a worse mess.

Karai, strangely, didn't talk about it. She continued to discuss the affairs of the precinct, as if nothing had happened, with her usual professionalism. Back at work, she left him alone and he finished his shift without her talking to him about it. For the first time in his life, Leo really liked her.

When he was in his car, he checked his cell phone. Neither Hazel, Donnie, nor his father had called him. He had only one message from Raph. _"Sorry for my bro. He's a moron. I explained things and told him that she was yer boss."_

Leo was relieved. Raph was not sorry that he denied being his lover. He didn't know how far his explanations had been to Casey about his reaction, but Raphael's unconditional support reassured him. He should not have lost so many points to Raph's family.

However, Leo didn't know what to think about the silence from his own family. He thought, as he headed to his house, he would find out soon enough. Hazel worked from 9:30 a.m, to 4:30 p.m, so she should already be home. He wondered with a touch of guilt if his wife had had a hard day following their first argument. Donnie was supposed to be at the hospital, too busy saving lives, to deal with Leo's crisis.

He parked in front of his cozy house with the well-kept garden and the impeccable windows. The house was too big for them, but since Hazel had planned on having at least two children, the purchase seemed reasonable at the time. Since the house was located at an intersection, the land was the largest in the neighborhood. Leo looked at the neighboring houses that were decorated for Thanksgiving.

Theirs was less festive, because they always celebrated in Massachusetts. Hazel, very artistic, had created a beautiful fall wreath with leaves, flowers, ribbons and mini pumpkins, which she had hung on the door, giving a welcome air to their home. The following weekend, Hazel would remove it and start setting up the Christmas decorations. Another year without hope of children.

He imagined for a moment what his life would be like with Raph if Hazel left. He tried to imagine Raphael decorating a Christmas tree. He didn't succeed. That was the weekend's goal after all. To see if there was more to him and Raphael than sexual chemistry and if Raphael could be a good life partner. Okay, a Christmas tree worthy of appearing in a magazine was not an assurance of having a good life partner, because he was increasingly beginning to imagine Hazel out of the picture and him sharing his life with Raphael.

Maybe Donatello was right and something was wrong with him. How could he think of divorce after a simple argument for a man he hardly knew? He had to act with more control and self-restraint. He had absolutely no desire to be interrogated by his whole family during the four day weekend. He would spend time with Raph for his birthday and a little alone with himself to reflect. He was at a crossroads and did not want to make any mistakes. Thanksgiving was a great opportunity to know someone and his family. He was going to explain it to Hazel and tell her that he needed some time to think. He could always invent a fishing weekend.

He perceived on entering, that he would not have to lie. Hazel had left him a note.

" _Don and I left for Massachusetts. Your brother believes that forcing you or confronting you can only hurt you more. I greatly regret what happened. Rest and take time for yourself. If you're bored, you can always join us. We'll be back early Sunday evening. I love you."_

Remorse still assailed his heart to have such a compassionate and caring wife, who unknowingly left him the free field to deceive her more, every damn minute of the weekend. He went into the kitchen, took a glass of water and aspirin and frowned. Hazel had left him a list of what he could eat. She had not had to work, because she had had time to make beef stroganoff, but that was not what caused his frown. A pill container was on the granite counter. Leo took it. The pills were for Leonardo Hamato, prescribed by Dr. Donatello Hamato. He read the leaflet. Effective for _depression, OCD, panic attacks, social phobias, post-traumatic stress conditions and generalized anxiety._ A prescription for a psychiatrist was attached. He kept the prescription for therapy. Talking to a neutral person could do him good, but he didn't need pills to get better.

Donnie's pills had removed the regrets awakened by Hazel's message. His wife was conspiring with him, believing Donnie that something was wrong with him. She didn't understand that it was her insistence of alternating between treating him as handicapped and a breeding bull that was the cause of the problem.

He didn't need pills: only a certain someone, who understood him.

Raphael was at the gym. He had been there since Casey had called him to tell him that he had seen his sweetheart with another police officer at a restaurant. It had looked intimate and Leo had denied being Raphael's boyfriend. Casey was pissed off, but Raph had immediately done the math in his head. The policewoman had to have been Leo's superior and was an incredible bitch, very demanding and a workalcoolic. She had to know that Leo was married and that Leo, embarrassed, had not had the choice of denying it. Casey didn't understand that Raph was furious at him and not at Leo and had told Raph the last thing he'd said to Leo. Raph had been incensed. Leo's boss was going to know that Leo had arrived late not because he had a mechanical problem, but because he, despite having a wife, had fucked his lover all morning. A deputy inspector shouldn't behave like that, so Leo was in deep shit, because of Casey and he might not get his promotion.

Raph and Casey had had many arguments, but not like this. It was the worst one they'd ever had. Raph didn't want to tell him that Leo was married, but he defended his lover with such an impressive fury that Casey eventually gave up.

" _ **I don't understand your obsession with this man. There is nothing extraordinary about him, beyond being different from those you've had before. Whatever man. If you want to trust him, rather than your bro. I have nothing more to say about it,"**_ Casey said, very upset, before he hung up.

Ever since then, Raph had been taking out his rage on the gym punching bag. Leo, because of his brother, had perhaps such trouble that he preferred not to see him and all the points gained in the morning were lost. Stress had almost cracked him. Leo didn't bring the drug with him and had simply thrown it into the toilet and the straw and pipe into the kitchen garbage. Then he had quickly grabbed the broom, sweeping up all the pieces of glass and ceramic on the floor and putting them in the garbage before leaving for work. Leo then gave him his bank card as proof that he believed him. Raph would not have accepted it, but Leo, without his knowledge, had put it on the table with his personal code and a note suggesting that Raphael use it to buy more dinnerware. Raph had long hesitated, because he was proud. Using his boyfriend's money for his own use was repugnant to him, but he was broke, his credit card over the limit and he needed new dinnerware to welcome Leo home.

He had therefore spent the morning shopping. Going to Happy Home and finding that there were no plates. He'd then run to the other end of the city to buy them at Home Goods. What he had broken, came from the discount store or had been given by his Ma, but Leo deserved quality and that was what he'd get. Knowing that his lover liked blue, he had chosen a beautiful white and blue 16-piece set. He had also bought wine glasses, 6 ordinary glasses, 4 beer glasses, 4 cocktail glasses and 4 glasses for stronger alcohol. In case, they would have guests. If the dirty rat, Leo's brother, came one day, he didn't want to look shabby.

He had spent over $ 200 and he hoped that Leo would not find it excessive. He remembered, blushing, that Leo had paid for his bar tab. He didn't want to seem like he was benefiting financially from Leo and sponging off of him. Raphael had just arrived home with his purchases when Casey had called him. The dispute lasted more than 40 minutes, a record for them, whose arguments usually only lasted ten minutes. When Casey had finally hung up, Raphael had immediately written to Leo. After 10 minutes with no answer, the temptation to find his pipe or straw in the trash and use Leo's bank card for weed or coke had been very strong. He had gone out and had decided to go to the gym.

Raphael had his kickboxing session. Then, still agitated, he had left everything and, exhausted, went to the locker room. It was past 6 . and Leo was probably at his home. The thought that Hazel was maybe stroking Leo's hair made him mad with jealousy. He pulled his cellphone out of his sports bag and saw a text. " _My love, I'm in front of your apartment's door. Where are you? I have my suitcase and I was thinking of spending the weekend with you as a surprise for your birthday._

It was obvious that Raphael had rushed on Betty to his own house. Leo was there in his Mazda 3 gray-silver. Raphael, having nothing to do with his neighbors, had pulled him out of there, shoving his tongue down Leo's throat. _**"I was worried all day, because I was afraid my brother got ya into trouble,"**_ the black man said.

Leo had shrugged his shoulders. _**"Surprisingly, Karai didn't say anything, but that actually could have caused me a lot of problems. She's been hitting on me for years and my marriage is the only thing that kept me off the hook, and she is quick-witted. She realized that my late arrival at work had to be due to morning sex with you. I can't wait until next weekend, when she will be the head of the other precinct.**_

They had come inside and Raph had shown him his purchases, which they had washed and put away together. They had had sex, ordered Chinese, had sex and then Leo said, _**" I want to spend the weekend with you and to get to know you and your family better. What day does your mother celebrate your birthday? "**_

Raphael's heart had pounded. Leo would be present for his birthday party. Chame had never wanted to come. He could not blame him and thought, Ma detested Chame. He suddenly felt apprehensive. Casey would be there with April and sulk in front of Leonardo. Raph didn't want his boyfriend to feel slighted by his family. He was going to call Ma and explain.

His lover's head lay on his lap and he caressed the short black hair. Leo seemed to be asleep. He took advantage of it and stood up. Ma was asleep at this hour, so Raph sent a text to Casey _. "I'm with Leo. He's comin' ta Ma's house for my birthday tomorrow. He's spendin' the weekend with me and leavin' his whole family for me. Be nice ta him or I'll never forgive ya._ "

Never had he threatened his brother. Well, not so directly. Relations with his family, until Leo's divorce, if there was divorce, would not easy. No one knew that Leo was an unfaithful husband and that practically from the beginning, he'd lied to Raph. Yes, knowing his Ma and Casey, tomorrow night would not be easy.

Casey had not replied and Ma had not called him. Nervous, he had not showered with Leo and had lost an opportunity of intense sex to phone his adoptive mother. During the night, between two lovemaking sessions, Leo had suggested that he always be introduced as a close friend, so that too many personal questions wouldn't be asked. Raph didn't like it at all. Leonardo was a discreet man, but he, Raph, had compromised himself in front of his family, and he didn't want to look like a fool. Casey knew he was madly in love with Leo and so did his Ma. What would he look like?

Suddenly, he didn't want to go at all. He knew that his family would be even more worried about his mental well-being if he didn't go, but if he was to suffer the sharp eyes of all and sharp questions, he preferred to eat a pizza under the covers with Leo. Anxious, he decided to tell his mother what had happened. _**"I know yer mad at me, but it's Casey's fault and not mine. I don't wanna spoil anyone's Thanksgivin', so I think I will stay at home. "**_ Ma had cried very much. Raph knew well that his mother could be over dramatic, but her promise that no one would say anything disagreeable to the handsome captain had convinced him. He had changed his mind and had promised to arrive at 5 PM with Leonardo. _**"But ya know, Ma. He's only a friend,"**_ he added without conviction, as Leo came out of the shower.

He must look detached from Leo this evening, he told himself, otherwise, his family, due to Leo's relative indifference, was going to hate the policeman. Leo took him by the waist and kissed his collarbone. _**"I love you. Let's go. I want to buy a gift for your Ma and something for you, honey."**_ Raph shrugged. " _ **Ya paid my tab, ya paid for everythin' I broke, ya gave me yer boxers ta keep me warm at night and yer comin' ta my birthday, I don't need anythin'."**_ Leo was silent for a moment _ **. "We'll see. I'm sure I can find something."**_ Raph kissed him, but with less passion than usual, because he was so worried. His stomach tightened in knots, as he thought, somethin' is gonna happen tonight.

* * *

 _ **I had to edit three previous chapters: first, the date of Thanksgiving.**_ _ **Here in Canada, it is a Monday (in October) a not very important holiday, but I receive my family on Sunday for this holiday that nobody celebrates here (I am only a party girl). So, I believed Sunday will be the day for Raph's birthday. But, I just saw that it is Thursday in the US. So, I changed it for Thursday.**_

 _ **Then the picture that Raph takes with his cell phone. I always forget that we are in 2001. The only device with this function in 2001, was sold only in Japan. So, he wrote it.**_

 _ **Then, at one point, Raph talks about a movie seen the day before. At first, I had referred to a Batman movie, and then realized that the movie was not made in 2001, so I had replaced by Twiligth (never seen this movie) but I just realized that this movie either was not released in 2001 ...**_

 _ **So, I changed that too.**_

 _ **I'm sorry. I will try to be more attentive.**_


	17. Just a push

Raphael was sick with anxiety. He knew it was probably the withdrawal kicking in, but it didn't help his condition. It was close to 4 p.m. and he and Leo were at the liquor store. After Raph had shrugged his shoulders, Leo had decided to buy Ma expensive wine. Raph didn't dare say it aloud, but he had implied it that Ma didn't want wine. All she wanted was for her baby to have a boyfriend and for him to be loved.

Leo had not seemed to notice his discomfort or maybe he deliberately ignored it. He appeared happy and peaceful. Raph didn't understand and had asked Leo what he had done about his wife _ **. "Raph, I'd rather not talk about her,"**_ Leo had said _._

Raph had not insisted, because what mattered most was that Leo was there and at that moment, he could not ask for more. Having been in an orphanage for the first five years of his life, Raph had never though his birthday important, but when he'd been adopted, Ma wanted to change that and make up for all the birthdays that hadn't been celebrated.

Raph had always accepted, slightly amused, the unnecessary excitement about it, but this time, he wasn't so accepting.

Leo finally noticed his lack of enthusiasm.

 _ **"Honey, you seem worried. Why? I thought you'd be happy about my surprise of spending the weekend with you?"**_

Raph said nothing for a moment. Yes, Leo had made an effort and that proved that he was important to Leo. He knew it, but his family would think differently and not understand the policeman's reserved attitude. Ma and Casey would then tell Raph that Leo was not a good man for him and that he was wasting his time with him. Words he did not want to hear. _**"Babe, I think we shouldn't go."**_

Leo, who'd opened his car door, looked at him in surprise and said, _**"Why?"**_

 _ **"Ma doesn't want any wine,"**_ Raph blurted out _ **. "All she wants is for me ta be happy and ta have a lovin' boyfriend. Maybe ya can love me, but they don't see that. They'll see that I love ya like crazy and will tell me that ya only want sex with me, don't love me and that I should dump ya. I don't want them ta say that, because there is already a voice in my head tellin' me that."**_ Raphael was trembling and Leo wondered if the drastic drug withdrawal had been too much for him to handle.

He should have kept his pipe to make up for stopping his cocaine and to slowly stop. Not cold turkey right away, but Raph had made that effort for him. Leo knew that it took a lot of courage and determination for addicts to stop and Raphael was suffering, because he wasn't using. The stress of the situation only worsened things. Leo walked around the car and took Raphael in his arms. "My love, I swear to you that your family will not say that. I love you and I will show it to you and also, to them. _ **"**_

Raph raised his head, but Leo saw doubt in his amber eyes. _**"Whatever, chief,"**_ he mumbled, shrugging his shoulders. Seeing Raph so dark and pessimistic shocked Leo, because Raphael hadn't been like that when he'd first met him. He'd been confident and smug. Now he seemed much older, disappointed and not daring to hope. It twisted Leo's insides to see Raph this way.

He felt like he'd defiled and destroyed Raph's fierce spirit.

" _ **Raph, if you like, we can tell your family the truth, which is that I love you, but I'm still married,"**_ Leo said, even though he disliked the idea, but he hated being a hypocrite and a liar, although he was now used to it.

Raph shook his head and said, " _ **No. It's gonna fuckin' complicate things and make them worse.**_ _**Chame was a criminal and yer with someone else."**_ He snorted and added _ **, "Everyone has their flaws."**_

Leo was annoyed at Raph's response. Yesterday, Raph had been smiling and affectionate and today, he was different. Raph hadn't even showered with him and had been sullen. _ **"Raph, I am much more involved in our relationship than you believe. You seem to think I'm just a two-faced asshole, who's playing you. I'll show you something and then you stop pouting."**_

Leo took his phone and typed a message to his wife. " _Hazel, this weekend of being apart will do us good. I need to be alone and think, because I don't think I'm the right man for you. It might be time for us to separate. No need to answer, because I can't tell you anything else right now."_

Leo showed the message to Raph, who glanced it. It wasn't as drastic, as Raph would have liked, but it did prove that Leo was serious about their relationship and he nodded. " _ **Raph, I promise that I will send the text after dinner. It's 5 p.m. and I don't want to spoil the Thanksgiving meal for my family, but I want you to remember that after the meal, around 9 p.m., I will send the message to her. And I'll call a lawyer tomorrow. Does that reassure you?"**_

Raphael was stunned and his jaw dropped. Leo was really going to get a divorce. Feeling like he was in seventh heaven, he smiled lovingly at Leo. _**"And, Raph, as I promised, I will show my affection in front of your family. If you want to introduce me as your boyfriend, you can do it. I won't deny it. And today's date could become our anniversary. A better date than September eleventh."**_

Raph was too excited to say anything coherent and chose to kiss Leo passionately as his reply. Then he checked the time and said happily, " _ **Time ta go, Fearless. Don't wanna piss Ma off by bein' late or she'll make us do the dishes."**_

Leo started the car. He tried to empty his mind, so he wouldn't be nervous and so that Raph wouldn't think he was anxious. He had not sent the message yet, but he was sincere. He was going to send it, because the message told the truth. Leo did not know if Raph was the right man for him, but he was not a good man for Hazel. That was definite. He was sterile and it was better to be single than to waste his wife's time and deceive her.

Ma, herself, opened the door. Raph cheerfully threw himself at his mother and said, " _ **Ma**_ , _**I'm**_ _**so**_ _**glad**_ **ta see ya** ." Ma was amazed. Her adopted son was an expressive man, but this joy was unusual. Leo, with more reserve, entered the room. Ma gave him a dirty look, but Raph pulled the man towards him and proudly declared, _**"Here, Ma. My new boyfriend, Leo."**_

Casey snorted in the kitchen and said, " _ **Since when? The last five minutes?"**_

Ma said sternly, _**"Hush, Arnold. Behave."**_

Casey's animosity chilled the whole room. " _ **I'm sorry, Casey, but my boss was the worst person in the world you could ever choose,"**_ Leo said _ **.**_

Casey rolled his eyes and mumbled a _"whatever"_ despite April's nudging and his brother's thunderous gaze.

Leo politely handed over the two bottles of wine. Ma invited them to sit down at the table and Leo sat next to Raphael. Casey still rolled his eyes, but his mother glared at him. April tried to diffuse the tension and was friendly and chatty, asking Leo questions. While eating his turkey, Leo answered her questions and questioned her in turn, pretending to ignore Casey's hostility. He asked Ma to tell him about Raph and about his childhood and tenderly looked at Raph throughout the meal.

Casey was not a bad guy. His brother appeared enamoured with Leo and it seemed to be mutual. Perhaps, it had all been a misunderstanding. Casey suggested, " _ **Hey, Ape. Maybe Leo and Raph would like to come to the special party for your job."**_

April smiled and said, " _ **Oh. My employer is organizing a charity night. The profits go to the families of the victims of nine eleven. I didn't want to invite Raph, because I was afraid it would remind him of bad memories and it wasn't his kind of evening, but perhaps with you…"**_ Raph blushed, because it was silly and he knew how to behave in public.

Leo smiled affectionately and said, "T _ **hat's a great idea."**_

" _ **Yes. The museum director curator's husband almost died on 9/11. He's a policeman, like you. So, maybe ... "**_ April said.

Leo paled and said, _ **" A museum? Which one?"**_

 _ **"The Brooklyn one,"**_ Casey replied. " _ **April is an artifact restorer."**_

The young man proudly explained his girlfriend's studies and experience. Leo nodded absently. Without noticing it, he no longer held Raph's hand.

Raph anxiously scrutinized Leonardo. He knew the policeman well enough to guess that something was bothering him. He took advantage of the dessert to get up from the table. _**"Ma, I wanna show Leo somethin' in my old room. We'll be back soon."**_

The woman glanced at her son and said, " _ **Raphael, I only hope to never see again what I've seen before."**_

The black man blushed and said, _**"No, Ma. That's not what ya think."**_ He took Leo by the hand and dragged him to his room.

 _ **"What did your mother mean?"**_ Leo asked.

Raph interrupted him and said, _**"She thinks I'm horny. Forget it. What's goin' on?"**_

Leo sighed. Raph knew him too well to be fooled. _**"My wife is the director curator of the Brooklyn Museum and April's boss. She is the one organizing the event. That April never saw me is a miracle. Almost all of the museum staff came to our wedding in June 96. She must have been too young at the time."**_

" _ **Yeah",**_ Raph mumbled. _**"She has only been workin' there for two years or so."**_

Leo fell on the bed, discouraged. What star-crossed lovers they were! " _ **Okay. So, what?"**_ Raph said _._ _ **"It's not a big deal. The charity event is in three weeks, just before Chrismas. By then, yer wife will know the truth! Ya said it earlier that ya will call a lawyer tomorrow. Yer supposed ta text her, meanin' ya two are over. Yer mine now. She will get over it before three weeks has passed."!**_

Leo stared at him incredulouslyand said, _ **"Are you out of your mind? It's not that easy! I will let her know that I am thinking of a separation. I will find out about the consequences of separation from a lawyer, but she still lives with me. She is still my wife. I can' t' show another man off at her work three weeks after messaging her. It's too soon and didn't you hear me? Almost all of the staff attended our wedding and she could be pregnant. I warned you that if she was…"**_

" _ **Fuck that! Ya promised me, ya lyin' son of a bitch!"**_ Raphael roared, his amber eyes flashing. _**"I don't give a damn 'bout yer shitty excuses! Ya've been fuckin' her for years! Why will she have somethin' in the oven now, unless she's got a little bastard!"**_

Even for someone calm like Leo, it was too much. He punched Raphael and said, " _ **Stop talking about her like she' s a whore! She's not sleeping with strangers in a bar, like you do!"**_

Raph threw a punch at Leo, knocking him down onto the bed. _ **"Maybe she is!"**_ Then, they wrestled on the bed until Raph succeeded in forcibly pinning Leo's arms to his sides " _ **Haha**_. N _ **o hands and no more ninja tricks!"**_ he snarled.

" _ **That's enough, Raphael! Let me go."**_

" _ **No. Not without ya listenin' ta me."**_

" _ **Raph, you hurt my arm. Let me go,"**_ Leo pleaded.

Raph stood up, sorry, his rage forgotten. He'd punched Leo, but he didn't want to hurt the arm he'd lost due to his bravery the day they'd first met. Leo took advantage of it to reverse the situation and pinned Raphael. _**"Ya sneaky bitch! I believed ya!"**_

" _ **Raphael, listen to me. This is my last warning to you. I may love you, but if you are not more respectful to my wife, we will be over. Am I clear enough?"**_

There was a long silence. The only noise being the mens' heavy panting. _**"The ball is in your court, Raphael. Either we go back to the dining room as if nothing happened and you invent an excuse for us not to go to the Museum that evening or we're done."**_

Raphael was pissed off, but, trying to break free of Leo's grip, he noticed something. _**"Yer hard, ya kinky bastard! If the punches make ya horny, I'll do it more often!"**_ he proposed in a seductive tone.

 _ **"Maybe it's punching you that put me in this mood and not the other way around!"**_ Leo remarked boldly, before smashing his lips onto Raphael's.

" _ **Can't you two have foreplay like normal people?"**_ a female voice said. The two stupefied men raised their eyes and saw Ma. _**"Thank goodness you are still dressed! If I had seen you naked, Raphael and I would fight over you, Captain, but joking aside, your tea is cold."**_

Flushed, an embarrassed Leo stood up. At 35, he had just been caught acting like a horny and kinky teenager, on his boyfriend's childhood bed, by his mother. He didn't know what she had heard. He assumed that it was only their last two sentences, but that was enough to mortify him.

Leonardo apologized profusely, before returning to the dining room, and didn't notice that his cell phone had fallen out of his trouser pockets, Raph had seen it. It was 8 p.m In Massachusetts, that bitch, Leo's wife, had to refuse her dessert, because she was watching her weight. The cellphone seemed to hypnotize him, burning a hole in his soul. He took it and re-read the not sent message.

" _Hazel, this weekend of being apart will do us good. I need to be alone and think, because I don't think I'm the right man for you. It might be time for us to separate. No need to answer, because I can't tell you anything else right now."_

Leo was a delicate gentleman. He didn't want to hurt his wife, but some people didn't understand without being hurt. Leo hesitated and was cautious. Raphael understood, but his lover needed just a small push. A push that would make it impossible for him to retreat. A push that would make Hazel understand that her time as Leo's lover was over.

He erased the message and wrote:

" _Hazel, this weekend of being apart will do us good. I need to think alone, because I believe you're not the right person for me and I'm not right for you. It might be time to separate. I believe that I no longer love you and that we should get divorced. Needless to answer. I can't tell you anything more now. Don't come back until Sunday evening. I want to be left alone."_

Raphael pressed send, smiling wickedly, and went downstairs to join _his_ man. He had offered himself the most beautiful birthday present. A way to Leo's heart without any obstacles.


	18. A last chance

The rest of the meal was normal for Leo. He drank his tea and took Raphael's hand in his when he went back downstairs. Luckily, April didn't talk about her invitation again. Raphael had poured a third glass of wine for Leo and was all smiles _ **. "Let yerself go, babe, I'll drive."**_ The policeman, despite knowing how irresponsible this attitude was, recalled what he'd promised Raphael and accepted the glass. His heart struggled. He was not sure of his decision yet. He regretted his promise to Raph, not for message's meaning, but the way it had been sent. Hazel deserved better than a text. Leo told himself that he could not escape it. Raphael was going to remind him. Speaking to Hazel on the phone would be better, but doing it with Raph nearby would be difficult.

Raph had received his presents. Leo felt bad, because he hadn't bought him anything, but he vowed to make up for it the next day. Casey had been generous, but although Raph had liked his gifts, they weren't his kind of thing. They were a voucher to a tattoo parlour and a bottle of whiskey. Raphael already had a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep. Leo did not want Raph to get more tattoos, but seeing his happy expression, he said nothing. Alcohol was too much. Raph had been controlling his vices, but he decided that that he wanted to open the bottle right away and, despite his offer of driving, had poured himself a drink, as well as for Leo and Casey. Then, he had another one. Leo tried to refuse the second and stood up to help Ma do the dishes. _**"Fuck, babe,"**_ Raphael said. " _ **Just sit there. I'm not sure that yer prosthesis can handle water and yer brother will be pissed if it damages it. He already hates me. Have another drink, babe. I love it when yer drunk and so horny."**_

Leo flushed and said sternly, " _ **Raph**_ , _**one of us needs to be sober. It's your party, so ...**_ "

" _ **This will be yer party soon,"**_ Raphael whispered lasciviously, winking, as Casey covered his ears.

" _ **I don't want to hear anything,**_ " Casey said. " _ **Why** **does Leo's brother hate you, Raph? You're a good guy, have a good job and you love Leo. What's the problem?"**_ Leo blushed again. He didn't want to think about Donnie, because then he'd also think of Hazel and his father.

Raph, drunk, shrugged, as he poured a third glass of whiskey. " _ **I have no fuckin' idea. Is it because I am black or because I haven't a pussy? I don't know and I don't give a damn, because I dealt with it. Nothin' can separate us anymore. No brother, no fuckin' wife!"**_ Raph roared.

Leo shook him and said, _**"Raph, I think you've had enough. Maybe we'll have to go home? I want to look for your gift tomorrow."**_

Raph kissed his boyfriend fiercely and Casey, a little uncomfortable, stood up. He didn't care that his brother was gay, but he didn't like the passionate display of affection at the table and didn't wish to see it.

" _ **I don't need any shit, babe! I have ya and I gave myself my own present earlier. The best present ever!"**_ Raph approached Leo and whispered in his ear, " _ **Somewhere in Massachusetts, ya have an ex-wife lookin' for a lawyer or a dating site."**_ Leo paled, but didn't react, uncertain what the insinuation meant. " _ **I sent the message, but maybe I added a couple more explicit sentences, so she'd get the message that yer mine and ya and her are over!"**_

Leo's first reaction was to hit Raph, but Raph grabbed his hands and said, " _ **Ya can punish me later and bite me or slap me, but ya can't change anythin'. Yer mine now, Leo, and she knows that yer no longer hers and there's nothing ya can do 'bout it."**_

Leo's blue eyes flashed and he snapped, " _ **You want to bet?"**_

Ma, finished with the dishes, arrived and seeing Raph and Leo within an inch of each other, snarling, and the bottle of whiskey almost empty, she rolled her eyes and said, " _ **You can sleep here, but I don't want to hear anything and I don't want my baby to have a black eye tomorrow, Captain."**_

Leo's face darkened in rage. Raph deserved far more than a black eye, but he told himself that this was not the time for a fight and that just maybe Raph's message was not so bad. But deep down, he doubted it. Raph could well have said _, "Get the fuck out of my house. I don't want to ever see you again, you bitch."_ But he refused to sleep there.

Raph saw what Leo was thinking about and he suddenly felt that maybe the text message hadn't been a good idea after all. Leo appeared to be pissed off and Raphael didn't want to wrong and upset him. All he wanted was to help Leo to come to a decision. Raphael had to convince Leo to stay, because if Leo left, he would no longer have to be polite and could be furious. Leo had to stay until his anger abated. _ **"Good idea, Ma,"**_ Raph said. " _ **I wanna use the tattoo voucher when the shop opens tomorrow. It's closer ta yer place."**_ He turned to Leo and said with a smile, _ **"I want something that reminds me of ya, babe, so even when I'm not with ya, I will feel less alone."**_ Casey laughed and said that it was sappy. Leo looked at the sparkling amber eyes that were so full of love and his anger subsided.

Raph was an expressive and excessive person. That was Leo had found attractive most of all about him and then he'd liked his ass. That a person like him had already borne the situation so long was a feat. Raphael was indeed often left alone. Leo was not into tattoos, but something inside pleased him about the idea. Raph would have a tatt for life and it was for him. It was more permanent than a ring and anyway, he was going to send the message. He'd promised. Leo told himself that if the message Raph had sent was polite, he'd maybe forgive him.

Everyone seemed to wait for Leo's decision. He yielded, telling himself that Raph's punishment could always wait. It was not so late, but Leo, a little tipsy and worried about what Raphael had written to his wife and Hazel's reply, wanted to go to bed immediately. Raph joked that Leo was eager to be alone with him and Leo thought he was indeed in a hurry to get to bed, but it was because he wanted to express his wrath and not because he was horny.

Leo ascended the stairs, Raphael close behind him. The fireman was talking about naughty things he wanted to do. Leo knew Raphael was trying to seduce him. It was obvious. Raphael was so like a child, simple with his plans, except when he'd been high on cocaine and had threatened Leo. However, that had been the drug talking and not Raph. But Leo had never thought that Raph would take his cell phone and now he knew he must put in a security pin, so no one could use it, but him alone. Raph had waited to commit such reprehensible acts until Leo was too much in love with him and invested in their relationship to break up with him. If Raph had done so two weeks ago, Leo would have erased the fireman from his life. Now Leo realized, as he pursed his lips, it was too late. He was in too deep. Inside Raph's bedroom, he took his phone off of the bed and read the message, deliberately keeping his face neutral. The message was not rude, but the meaning was clear and too definitive for Leo's liking. He was surprised that Hazel hadn't replied. His voice clipped, he said, " _ **You erased her answer, Raph?"**_

" _ **No. I'd never do that, Leo. I waited for two minutes ta see if there was an answer, but when there was none, I went back ta ya. She hasn't answered yet?"**_ Raphael stretched lazily, trying to seduce Leo, but sex was the furthest thing from Leo's mind.

" _ **No. It's strange,"**_ he murmured more to himself than to Raphael.

The fireman shrugged his shoulders _ **. "Ya told her not ta answer and, I told ya so. She may have someone else and not love ya anymore,"**_ Raph said, pulling off his T-shirt and revealing his muscular body that attracted Leo so much. Raph didn't understand why Leo was making such a big deal out of this and why he was so sad and worried. He couldn't have two lovers and if Leo's wife had found happiness with someone else, surely that was a good thing?

Leo didn't reply. Hazel was sure to be devastated, sobbing her heart out or crying on Don's shoulder. Donatello was probably telling her not to worry and Leo was just depressed or had a mental illness and that with psychotherapy and pills, Leo would be the same man he'd been before. Leo clenched his jaw and thought that Donnie must have seen the message and seeing Leo's unusual drastic behaviour, he'd diagnosed his brother. Don could leave Hazel at his father's house and return to New York to slap him. _**"I need to talk to my brother, Raph, "**_ Leosaid _._ _ **"If you make a sound, it's over."**_

Raph nodded, removing his jeans _ **. "I like it when yer so threatenin', baby, "**_ Raphael said and chuckled, completely nude. _**"I feel like I'm with Batman. Call yer brother. I will be quiet, I promise."**_

Leo looked sternly at his boyfriend. Raph seemed very pleased with himself, as if everything was a joke. Leo resolved that when they were out of Ma's house, he'd kick Raph's ass. With an exasperated sigh, furious with Raph and with himself for being so weak with his lover, Leo called Donnie. It was at least 5 rings before Donnie answered, which was unusual. He usually answered with the first ring, so he must be pretty stressed. While waiting for his brother's voice, Leo realised that he didn't know what to say.

 _ **"Hi, Donnie. I'm calling, because I want to know how Hazel is,"**_ Leo said. To him, it sounded pathetic and a stupid thing to ask. How would any wife be after hearing that her husband no longer loved her?

 _ **"Like a woman who suddenly learns via text that her husband no longer loves her and wants a divorce,"**_ Donnie retorted. " _ **Leo, I'm glad you called. I didn't dare do it, because lately you seemed pretty jumpy. Hazel is fine. I gave her a sedative. She's been asleep for thirty minutes/ Leo, I think you need to talk to somebody. Maybe not me, because you seem to hold a grudge and I don't know why. I don't think that staying alone for so long can do you any good.**_ " Leo opened his mouth to tell Donnie that he just did not want him to be so involved in his life. Without Donnie, Hazel might have given up on becoming a mother and Raph would not have suffered. A strange sound emanated from the phone, and Leo realised that his brother was crying. He'd never seen it happen since their mother had died. Leo turned to Raph and saw that with half-closed eyes, Raph stroked his cock and looked at him lustfully. Exasperated and not wanting to be distracted, Leo turned away, having forgotten what he meant. He heard his boyfriend's very light panting, but he did not reprimand him, because Donnie could not hear them.

 _ **"Leo, do you consider suicide?"**_ Donatello asked anxiously and he continued, without giving the policeman time to reply. _**"You are still very attractive and despite your prosthesis, still a capable man. You have a career, a family that loves you, money ..."**_

A stunned Leo moved his phone away to look at it. _**"No. I don't think about suicide."**_ He turned to Raph to convey his astonishment, but his lover was too caught up in his self-pleasure.

" _ **I talked to our father and Hazel. Perhaps a stay in a resting establishment would do you good. Only a few weeks,"**_ Donnie said cautiously.

Leo immediately was irate and said angrily, " _ **After wanting to drug me, you want to put me in a sanatorium, Donnie? Fuck you! I'm fucking fine! If I'm tired of Hazel, it has nothing to do with my mental health. People divorce every day and no one puts them in a mental asylum."**_

 _ **"But why, Leo, why? Hazel does not even know what's going on. She's always been a loving and caring wife.**_ " Donnie lowered his voice and added, " _ **Is it because of this fireman thug? You see you are in a mess? You have a loving and beautiful woman at home and you fuck with this...this..."**_

Leo's blood boiled and he hissed, " _ **Watch your words, Donatello, or I swear that I will never talk to you again. I didn't want your opinion. I just wanted to know if Hazel was all right. I will talk to her when she's at home. It is our business and not yours. I don't want you at my house on Sunday. Tell Hazel that I was a little too brutal and that I regret it, but I don't want any more involvement from you in my love life. Whoever who my lover is, am I clear?"**_

Donnie didn't answer, but Leo heard his shaky breath. He seemed to be genuinely worried. Leo felt remorse for his violent outburst and said quietly, " _ **Don, you have enough to do in your life and don't need me to add to your load. I feel I'm a dead weight and for Hazel too. I'm not enough for her and she deserves better."**_

 _ **"Death, burden. I knew it. You want to kill yourself. That's why you want to be alone. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you alone and so depressed. I don't care what you say. I'm coming home right fucking now!"**_ Donnie said hysterically.

 _ **"Don, I don't want to commit suicide and to tell the truth, I've never felt so alive,"**_ Leo said, following Raph's hand movements on his cock. He knew his lover's body. Raph was going to cum shortly. _**"And I am not at home."**_

" _ **What do you mean you're not at home? Where the hell are you?"**_

Raph's golden eyes begged Leo to take his dick in his mouth or in his tight ass before he came. _**"It's not your business, Don. Goodbye**_." Leo hung up despite Don's pleadings. _**"Raphael,"**_ he said in a hoarse voice. _**"Your egoistic actions have caused me great trouble and I am obliged to punish you."**_ Raph pumped his dick faster and his thighs opened more, welcoming Leo. Leo told himself that if Raph had been a dog, his tail would have been wagging with joy right now. Hazel, Don and everything else vanished from his mind. Everything he wanted was in front of him.

On Sunday afternoon, Leo lovingly touched Raph's tattoo, not healed, yet. It was already beautiful, not bloody as Friday. Raph had complained that his black skin prevented him from his tatt being colored in, but Leo disagreed. It was so perfect. He had been there, Friday morning, while the needle pierced Raph's flesh, and in fascination, watched the tattoo artist regularly wipe Raph's blood away from his chest. Raph had picked a magnificent tribute to his 343 colleagues, who'd died on 9/11. At the top of the FDNY symbol where the number of dead firefighters was, was inscribed _"I will never forget"_ and at the bottom _"Among death, I found love."_

Hazel would never have done such a thing. Raph had suggested writing his name rather than the word love, but Leo had found it more poetic. Yeah, Leo was becoming sappy when he came up with his new passion. The captain, enthusiastic in his turn, had also had a tatt done, but it was on his scapula and on the same side. He'd chosen the New York skyline with the WTC and the date. It was more discreet than Raph, but the fireman had been delighted. Leo, in a moment of exaltation, had asked the tattoo artist not to change his needle. Raph had joked and called Leo his blood brother all day, even going as far as a kinky role-playing game as 2 brothers in the evening.

On Friday afternoon, Leo had called a lawyer and wanted an appointment as soon as possible. The secretary scheduled it for the following Wednesday and Raph had rewarded Leo with a mind blowing blow job.

Raph had trained on Saturday afternoon and Leo had decided to join the same gym, despite his prosthesis. He could always do the karate classes and especially practice his kicks. On Sunday morning, Raph had jogged with Leo, keeping up with him the entire time of the 5 miles. That was precisely what Leo wanted to do and his expectations of the weekend were. Sharing more than a bed and getting to know each other better. While they jogged, they chatted easily, talking about their pasts and learning about each other. Raphael no longer seemed to be suffering from withdrawal and Leo learned that he wasn't a demanding a person. Sex and love and simplicity sufficed. But now, it was past four p.m. and Hazel must have left Massachusetts. Maybe she was almost home. He sighed.

" _ **My sweet love, I must go soon. You know,"**_ Leo said.

Raphael, who was almost asleep with Leo's stoking, opened his eyes and said, " _ **Why so soon? She knows that yer not at home. She will not be surprised. No need to pretend again, babe. Stay for dinner instead. Please."**_

" _ **Raph, please don't insist,"**_ Leo said gently. " _ **I would like to be alone a little before her arrival. I want to unpack my suitcase and think."**_

" _ **Think 'bout what?"**_ Raphael said stubbornly. " _ **Ya don't have anythin' ta think 'bout. It's over."**_

" _ **Raph,"**_ Leonardo said sternly. "D _ **on't ask too much. I have not chastised you enough for what you did with my phone, because I love you too much for my own good."**_

 _ **"Okay, so chastise me as ya like. I'll be yer sub bitch, as ya want me ta be, but stay,"**_ Raph pleaded, but more sulkily than apologetically.

Leo frowned. Raph had had a lot in the last week. Leo now wanted to settle things. He had asked Donatello not to interfere, but it was the same thing with his lover. It was between Leo and Hazel and no one else. He had been a disrespectful asshole. Hazel had been made aware of the possibility of a divorce by text message. His poor wife had to have been in tears all weekend and anxious. She had respected Leo's need for solitude. He will not make her feel insulted that he wasn't there upon her return. Raphael, very attentive to his lover's reserved expression, grabbed him seductively by the neck, asking for a hot kiss, but Leo, refusing to be coaxed to remain, removed his arms and said firmly, " _ **No, Raph. I have to go."**_

 _ **"What's the fuckin' emergency? Ya can stay another hour?"**_ Raph demanded irately.

Leo got up and dressed, feeling a brief stab of pain as he put his shirt on over his tattoo, but he was too fed up to care. _**"No, Raph. In an hour you'll want another hour and so it will continue and will never end. I give you an inch and you want a mile. I can't stay tonight. You knew that. I know you will bored. I understand, but do something. Go out. See your brother, your friends, go to the gym. Go and do, I don't know what, but do something else other than me!"**_

Leonardo had not intended to be so harsh, but his nervousness at confronting Hazel and that Raphael was choosing to be difficult, irritated him no end. Moreover, Leo didn't feel like he was enough for anyone. It was as if his ability to satisfy had gone with his forearm.

Raph's face clouded and he spat, his eyes blazing, " _ **Fuck off! Who needs ya anyway?"**_

Leo shrugged. His boyfriend was pissed off. It was predictable, because he'd been too calm too long and had been bound to explode sooner or later.

 _ **"Don't call me. Wait for me to do it. You'll complicate matters if you don't. I'll let you know what's going on tomorrow night."**_

" **Whatever, man,** _ **"**_ Raph mumbled and shrugged. Leo hesitated for a minute, wondering if he should kiss Raph or not. He decided that he'd punish Raph for his stubbornness and wouldn't.

A few minutes later in his car, Leo had the terrifying thought that Raph might try and find relief for his loneliness by using drugs again. But, he told himself, Raph promised he wouldn't and so far, he's been all right having come off them.

During the short trip of less than 15 minutes to his house, Leo tried to think of what he'd say to Hazel and how to explain the message, Raph's message. It was out of the question mentioning that he had a lover, because that would necessarily complicate the divorce. Raphael had to stay in the shadows for a few months until the divorce was finalized and the house had been sold.

Leonardo loved his house and it was more his than Hazel's, because he owned it at 75%. Leo had inherited money from his mother and had always been thrifty. Hazel, had debts because of her studies and also her salary was less. Leo's salary would be triple what it had been. They had calculated that Hazel would only pay 25% of the house and 33% of the rest of their bills. He thought Raph's salary was similar to that of Hazel's. They could maintain the same lifestyle and keep the house, but Leo preferred to move. Everything reminded him too much of Hazel's feminine presence and Raph, jealous as he was, would change everything, anyway. His lover of his present house would probably only love the wine cellar. Since children were out of the equation now, it was better to buy a smaller and more modest home that matched Raphael's manly taste.

Leo thought a bit anxiously that with the Thanksgiving decorations taken down, it must mean that Hazel was home and waiting for him. He opened the door and an appetizing odor welcomed him. He sighed inwardly and thought, Hazel's being as sweet and loving as usual and she isn't making this any easier.

Going inside his kitchen, Leo was shocked. Hazel was always well dressed and neat, like Leo was himself was, but seeing her new looked stunned him. Her hair was cut short and she wore a tight leather mini skirt. Hazel smiled at him and he noticed that although she always looked a little younger than her age, she seemed to look even younger with her new hairdo.

Stupidly, he muttered, _**"Have you had a new hair cut?"**_

 _ **"Yes. You know the French movie, Amelie, that we saw last week. I told you I loved her hair style and the hairdresser told me that with my dark eyes, I look like her."**_

Leo nodded and said, _ **"That's nice. It suits you."**_

Then, Leo reprimanded himself and thought, "well done. Complimenting the woman, you want to divorce. Well, I stayed friends with Usagi, so maybe it's possible for that to be the case with Hazel _ **.**_ A simple compliment shouldn't jeopardize anything." To tell his wife that her hairstyle suited her took nothing away from Raph. His lover, 2 miles away, had to struggle to get up from bed, so he had to be bothered by the hardcore sex they had had all the long weekend.

 _ **"I made turkey with the clementines that you love so much. I thought maybe you hadn't had any turkey for Thanksgiving, Leo."**_

Leo shrugged, feeling. He had eaten turkey but Hazel could not know that. He braced himself, wanting to get it over quickly and said, _**"Hazel, you know we have to talk."**_

She turned and softly said, as she stirred the sauce, " _ **I know. Go to the cellar to look for a Riesling. Wine helps when talking and soothes one's spirits."**_

Leonardo nodded. The worst was done. Raph, in sending the text, had facilitated the task of speaking to his wife. He went down to the cellar and took a bottle. Hazel had finished cooking and had set the table. She'd used their finest dinnerware, which had been a wedding gift and never used. Leo's insides twisting in unease, he began, _**"**_ Y _ **ou didn't have go to the trouble, Hazel. You must have gotten back early today. I'm sorry. if I had known, I'd have been home sooner."**_ He thought of Raph, who had tried to stop him from leaving.

 _ **"I arrived around ten a.m., but I suspected that you were not home. I did the grocery shopping, got home around two and started cooking."**_ There was a moment of silence that the woman broke. _**"Do you know what I bought?"**_

Leo took his glass of wine and shrugged his shoulders _ **. "I don't know, the skirt?"**_

 _ **"Yes,"**_ Hazel said slowly. _**"And a few other fashionable items that that are sexier than my other clothes."**_

 _ **"Hazel,**_ " Leo began, guessing where the conversation was going.

She continued, without seeming to notice his interruption. _**"I went to the sex shop. I had never been there before and I was amazed at the variety of items that I found there. I bought a few things and a movie. With, you know, two boys and a girl."**_ Leo flushed. " _ **That's not all. I went to a specialized travel agency and got information about a swinger's cruise, but since I was not sure how you felt about swinging and it was expensive, I booked something for next weekend instead. Safer. It's a resort near the ocean, in New-Jersey. Each couple has their own cottage. We can stay alone or go to the common rooms. The chalets each have themes. I was not certain of your tastes. I chose the medieval one. It is versatile, because it has to be romantic or a kind of dungeon."**_

Leo's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. He couldn't believe what she'd said. " _ **Hazel, why? We do not need that!"**_ he exclaimed, shocked. That his wife had been so out of her modest nature to please him, bewildered him. He had never, in any case, considered swinging. He did not even understand how Hazel had thought about it. She must have been desperate.

 _ **"Maybe yes. You want to divorce me. I see no reason, except for the sex. I believe that before we end a nine-year relationship, we should give it one last try and try to fix things. You know what else I bought from the sex shop?"**_

Leo shook his head and said, " _ **No. It's futile You can't pretend. It's not you!"**_

Hazel suddenly stood up, lifting her skirt and revealing a kind of harness, with a hole in the center, where her shaved pussy was _ **." It's a strap-on. I bought a dildo to put in it. Very realistic. For you. "**_

Leo, flushed, stood up from the table and said abruptly _ **." I hope you didn't get it out of the package, because you will not use it with me. It's too late for that, Hazel."**_

Hazel's walnut eyes filled with tears and she choked out, _**"Why is it too late?" You give me one warning, leaving me no time to explain and it's already too late? I didn't deserve such a hasty condemnation."**_

It was there, tears. Leo had prepared for it, but seeing his wife's exquisite face and tears running down her cheeks, hurt him. _**"Hazel, it's not you. It's me. I am sterile. I'm almost disabled now. Except for the money, I'm no longer good for anything. If you find another man, you have a chance to become pregnant ..."**_

She looked up at him and said, _ **" Leo, I promise you. I feel that maybe this time, I could be pregnant."**_ Seeing her exasperated husband's expression, he'd heard it numerous times, she added, " _ **But if I am not, I will give up and if you still agree, we will adopt. If not, so be it."**_

Leo held his breath. Hazel, to keep him, had given up becoming a mother, just like Raphael had stopped taking drugs. She said gently, " _ **I don't want to push you, but I'm only for you to postpone your decision for one week. If the weekend fails, I'll accept the divorce, unless I'm pregnant. In that case, I hope you will accept your responsibilities."**_ Leo nodded. It had been the agreement from the beginning. If Hazel was pregnant, he would stay. Raphael knew and had accepted it. " _ **To save our nine-year relationship, I ask you this, Leo. Just a week. It's seven p.m. on Sunday. Give me until next Sunday at nine p.m.**_ "She sighed and added, " **B** _ **ut give me at least a little chance. Be at home a little more. I want to let you breathe, if you need it but, please, don't avoid me."**_ Leo nodded again, accepting.

 _ **« I can go with you, but I do not intend to have sex with anyone.**_ _ **Perhaps, indeed, a neutral place, in nature, will allow us to better discuss.**_ _ **But I do not believe that a place like what you have chosen, with sex all over the place, is necessary for a discussion.**_ _ **"**_

 _ **" Please, Leo, trust me in this. Is my only condition. I want to try this. "**_ she pleaded.

Leo sighed: _**"Okay"**_

He had no good reason to refuse. What Hazel was asking was fair and reasonable. Divorce proceedings would be facilitated. Hazel could not deny that Leo had also tried. In doing all these things today, she had tried. He could not deny it and refuse to make an effort, but, Leo thought, Raph's going to be so pissed.


	19. Cold War

Raphael realized what hell he'd fallen into about ten minutes after Leo's departure. His boyfriend had gone home to find his wife. A woman that Raph knew absolutely nothing about. He knew she wasn't giving Leonardo what he needed, but did that mean she would take a back seat without saying a word? Leo's brother, the mad scientist, seemed furious at the announcement of separation. If Donatello and the wife teamed up against Leo, what would happen? Perhaps, his lover's wife was on a seductive mission right now, trying to convince Leo to abandon his idea of divorce by seducing him.

Even Raphael, who had been active with the police for only two months, knew how to make Leo's will collapse, like a castle of cards. Leo's wife of many years, had to know all his weak points, even those that Raph had not yet discovered. She was going to use that knowledge and her damn official position against him. She was home with Leonardo and would legitimately spend the night with him and in the same bed. This idea made Raphael want to tear his hair out. He was so incensed. Would Leo sleep on the sofa? Maybe. He hoped he would.

But the more he reflected on things, the more he doubted. Leo's wife wouldn't leave him alone. She'd begged him to sleep with her and she would lie down beside him and look at the tattoo on his shoulder blade, which was made only for Raphael's eyes. She would touch it, run her hand over the bruised skin and ask him why he got a tattoo. Leo would mumble some bullshit and she would believe it. Then she would say, " _Oh my poor husband is still suffering from this traumatic event. It has nothing to do with my dry vagina. He is mentally unstable since the incident."_

Raphael ground his teeth and thought about the doctor, who believed that Leo was suicidal. It was nonsense. Leo was happy with him. When they'd jogged, they had laughed together the entire time. Leo was the healthiest and most balanced person Raph knew. He had no vices, except for sex, if it could be considered one. Raphael didn't think so. Leo was, in bed, an inventive sexual partner, with the drive of a Master and the stamina of a motherfucker decathlon athlete. The black man had never had such a passionate and strong lover, who focused solely on his partner's pleasure. Leo was always in a horny mood and didn't care about the pain, nor did he judge Raph's fetishes having his own borderline fantasies. Perhaps a middle-aged woman, who worked among the mummies all day long, could find Leo too kinky to be a normal husband, but it was proof for Raph that Leo was well both physically and mentally.

There was nothing wrong with his boyfriend. Leo would have no reason to be stressed if he was divorced. He could live at his apartment that was so close to his job and leave to his ex-wife or they could sell it. Then, in the spring, he and Leo might look for a somewhat larger apartment. Leo had to have a lot of stuff and how would it be stored? Raph tried not to think about this, but he was unable and his anxiety was growing. Leo had now been gone for 45 minutes and had to be at home. Was his wife there too and was she trying to fucking kiss him?

He turned over in the bed and growled in rage at the idea. Then, he picked up the navy boxers and sniffed them. Masturbating would calm him. He grabbed his cock and began to pump it, imagining his lover bent over him, but he didn't orgasm. Exasperated, he stood up and started pacing. Two hours since Leo had left. Smoking some weed would have done him good, but he had none of that at home anymore, because he'd promised Leo he wouldn't do drugs.

To think that an absent Leo could not suffer from what he did not know, didn't appease him. On the contrary. This meant that Leonardo could do the same thing and fuck his wife.

Mental images plagued his mind. He couldn't picture the woman, but the idea that Leo was looking at her lustfully and giving her the same care Leo had given him revolted him. Leo was gay. Damn it! A man could not suck a dick with as much enthusiasm and talent without being it. Leo had nothing to do with a woman. Let alone a prudish woman. She was just a cover, his beard. A man like Leo, so high in the ranks of the NYPD, had to believe he had to have a pretty wife at home, who baked tarts and pruned roses between having her nails done, scrapbooking and aerobics, because that was what was conserved normal.

Leo deserved better than such an artificial and conformist life. His wife stifled his potential.

Three fucking hours now.

He remembered Leo's words that he should go out and do something. It was easy to say. As if he could, knowing his boyfriend was with his rival. Bettering someone you didn't know was difficult. Leonardo had remained very discreet about his wife and without April, Raph would never even know if the wife had a job. Leo didn't want to talk about it, remaining mysterious. In any case, it was certainly not interesting. She must only be talking about her family, shopping and her appointments with the esthetician. It was 8 p.m. and Raph, despite his preoccupied mind was hungry. He didn't want to prepare a meal for himself. Eating without Leo after sharing so many meals with him, was depressing. He decided to rather eat the rest of the microwave and ate it cold out of the box. For dessert, he unwrapped both fortune cookies. Nonchalantly, he broke the first and read the message: "Know your enemy". He sprang up, grabbed his jacket. Leo wants him to go out? He will. He will go at Leo's place and see what the gold digger made him buy. Maybe he will get a glimpse of the bitch through the window and can see if Leo was keeping his promise.

Leo helped Hazel do the dishes and wiped them. _**"Where did you get the idea of swinging?"**_ Leo asked. _**"It's not you, I don't need multiple partners and I don't want anyone else touching you either."**_

His wife looked at him and said, " _ **Why, if you don't think you will love me anymore, as you claim, why would you be jealous?"**_

Leo placed the towel down and said exasperatedly, " _ **Hazel, that you will share a life with someone far away from me is fine, but no matter what I feel, I would not be able to see another man giving you pleasure."**_

" _ **And what about a woman?"**_

That idea was slightly less odious, but Hazel wasn't attracted to girls, so Leo remained firm.

" _ **I dislike this idea, Hazel. Can we stay here instead? Or go somewhere else?"**_ he asked with a sigh.

" _ **No. I really want to, but we don't have to have anything to do with other people if you don't want to. There are seminars that I would like to attend to have a great sex life."**_

Leo barely retains his exasperation: **Hi** **s** sex life was great, but he couldn't tell her. The truth was that, although he loved Raphael, he was too possessive to share his wife with a stranger. A threesome with him, Raphael and Hazel was pure fantasy and bearable, because he knew that Raphael would never touch his wife. Rethinking of his lover made his head pound. He'd been taking aspirins as if they were candies. It was 8:30 p.m. and tomorrow would be the beginning of a long week with Karai. Leo was exhausted. He and Raph had had sex at least 25 times in four days and every time had been mind blowing. But, next weekend, he had to listen to seminars on how to spice up his sex life. Shit! He even played an incestuous role-play on Friday night. With a willing and passionate partner, everything was possible. He didn't need advice on the subject. Hazel couldn't understand that.

She wanted to show him the place's flyer that was on her bedside table, but he refused and said it didn't interest him. It was Hazel's condition, and only that mattered. Then, he told her that he wouldn't have sex with anyone, meaning Hazel too, although he didn't say her directly. Raph, depriving himself of weed and coke, suffered more than him. His will would be as strong as his lover's.

" _ **I'm going to bed. I am tired. Thank you for the meal."**_

Hazel nodded, looking a little anxious. _**"I will finish putting the rest of the meal in the fridge and will join you."**_

Leo had a moment's hesitation. Sharing a bed with the woman he thought he was divorcing was strange, but he only had to do it on an ordinary Sunday and there would be no sexual intercourse. Hazel might read a chapter of a novel in bed and sleep on her side. He hoped she didn't seriously think of using the dildo on him. Hazel with a dick, excited him even less. And she obviously didn't know him. She had never asked about his relationship and what he'd done sexually with Usagi. Leo preferred being top dog. He didn't mind too much with Raph. Because, to see the black man focusing to give him pleasure with powerful trust and a happy and lustful face, was a huge turn-on. Raph was an impressive man. He was strong and so male. And much importantly, Leo trusted him. Bottoming for Raph wasn't submission, but a precious gift to him, cherished by the fireman. And, with Raph, Leo was on top more than 80% of the time. Never would Leo lift his rear for silicone dildo, even less one that his wife wore. He knew, if they tried, Hazel would pretend to appreciate it, while holding back her disgust or dismay. Anyway, even to please his wife and spare her feelings, he wouldn't be able to pretend to like that, either. Hazel, despite being with him a long time, didn't know him well. Sexually, less than Raphael, certainly.

There were two guest rooms on the first floor, in addition to the nursery on the second. Leo could still sleep in any of the guest rooms on the first floor, but his wife had asked him not to avoid her. He promised he would not do that. He went upstairs and had a long shower, while taking care of the tattoo. He ran his fingers over the marked flesh. Did Raph do the same when he thought of him? He bit his lip. His lover would be furious not to see him from the weekend. This week was the last week of 4 days. Hazel had received a three-week medical leave from Donatello again. Hazel had had three weeks already in September and then she had taken weeks of vacation to care for him. It was to be believed that everyone was on medical leave since the attacks. So Hazel, not working had planned to leave on Thursday night. It was fair. He had spent Thursday evening to Sunday night with Raph and would do the same for his wife, but still the fireman would be angry. Naturally, Leo wouldn't tell him the nature of the place of his stay with Hazel. God knows how his boyfriend would react. That would worry his boyfriend for nothing, because he didn't intend to participate in anything, anyway.

He hated wearing clothes to sleep, but to sleep naked or even only in boxers, would send a wrong message to Hazel. He therefore opted to wear his sports pants. He looked out of the window. Its view was in the direction of Raphael's apartment, 2 miles away. He thought briefly of changing the destination of his jog the next day. Prospect Park was usually his favorite place to jog. Perhaps he could write to Raph and suggest that they jog every morning together, but that would mean Raph would have to get up at five o'clock to do it and Leo didn't want to unnecessarily prolong Raph's waking hours. He already had a tough time managing his free time.

What was his lover doing now? Was he drinking? It was high time Raph worked again, so he would be more independent. Lost in his thoughts, Leo did not see Hazel coming behind him and he jumped when she touched his shoulder. _**"This day has changed everything, hasn't it?"**_ Sadly, the policeman replied that it had changed something for everyone in the country. Hazel didn't question the tattoo's meaning any longer and Leo turned around. He saw that she was naked and he closed the curtains. _**"What are you doing?"**_

Hazel, unlike him, wore clothes at night, especially vintage baby dolls and she only went naked when she wanted sex. Hazel wanted sex. It was obvious, but she didn't answer. He turned off the light and lay down in bed, his back to her. _**"Good Night, Hazel."**_

She slipped under the covers and said, _**"Don't you want me to touch you?"**_

" _ **It is not necessary, Hazel."**_ He pretended to sleep and so did not hear his wife's sigh.

Raph was standing in front of the house. He had parked his motorcycle on Coney Island Avenue, a few minutes walk away. Leo's street was fairly well lit, but he had trouble reading the addresses. Leo's car guided him. Although there was a garage, Leo's car was on the driveway. Surely Leo's witch had her own parked in the garage. It was the address, 277. He took a few minutes to study the house. It was a large house, built in the early 1920s and made to house a couple and their children. From the little he could see, the house looked well maintained, but he didn't see himself living there with Leo. Everything breathed the average American family ideal, with three children and a Golden Retriever in a white and heterosexual neighborhood. Cautious, he avoided staying under the lamppost and turned went to look at the illuminated window. He saw her. The witch.

She was removing the plates from the table, grabbing what looked like a tray with leftover turkey. She was wearing a pale blush pink top with a black skirt, which looked like leather. He frowned. He had imagined Leo's wife wearing a baby blue crinoline. She had dark brown hair with a caramel skin. "Too much sun tannin'", Raph thought. She had a long neck and long limbs, and long almond-shaped eyes, like Leo himself, but hers appeared pitch black. She looked like a ballerina, thin and flat breasts. For her age he couldn't say, probably because of her serious expression, but she was maybe 32 or 33 years old. The dining room was original, with its ancestral woodwork, but behind it, Raph saw a modern and open plan kitchen, like those seen in the IKEA magazine. Like Raph had imagined, Leo had a lovely house, a pretty wife and am amazing life.

But the policeman loved him and was ready to sacrifice everything for him, even his cute wife. Although he wasn't attracted to women, Raph thought she was very beautiful. He watched her bend over to put the turkey in the fridge and with a victorious smile he noticed that she had a flat ass. Leonardo loved Raph's ass, complimenting him about it daily, squeezing his rounds buttocks. She can't compete with him on this level.

But where was his lover? He looked at the woman with a determined expression on her face, and saw her leave the kitchen and go upstairs. Raph hadn't liked the expression at all and, alarmed, tried to go around the other side and see what was going on. In an opposite window, on the top floor, he saw Leo's silhouette looking out of the window. Leo looked out, but not down, but Raph still cautiously leaned over the cedar hedge, hoping he wouldn't be seen. Leo was bare-chested, but Raph couldn't tell if he was wearing pants. Leo looked serious.

Then Raph saw the woman behind his lover, so close to him and enraged, he found that the woman's breasts were uncovered and touching his boyfriend's back, as she looked at him lustfully. He thought furiously that she was too fucking close and Leonardo was his, not her, not anymore. Leo turned and quickly closed the curtains. Raph could barely think, he was so pissed off. He almost rushed to the front door, wanting to kick it down and then smash the pretty cheater's face.

The light went out and Raph thought he was losing his mind. There, right in front of him, Leo was there too and was maybe going to kiss the woman. Maybe not, he thought, trying to calm down. Leo had looked like he was thinking about something and not like he was horny. But, if she had cooked dinner and had dressed sexily, that's mean she had no intentions of giving Leo up.

Raph, despite his fury, could do nothing. Knocking on the door and attacking Leo and the wife would only cause trouble. All he could do was trust Leo, despite the thought of doing nothing driving him crazy. Maybe Leo would have a good explanation when he saw him the next evening. Raph couldn't question him. If Leo knew he was stalking him, he would be very angry. Forgetting the text message had already been difficult for the policeman.

He was going to wait. There was nothing else he could do.

On Monday, Raphael waited by his phone. He didn't even shower, fearful he'd miss Leo's call. Finally, as Leo finished, he received the call. _**"Hi, honey. Am I disturbing you?"**_

Raphael rolled his eyes at the absurdity of the question. He had waited all day for the call. _**"What do ya think? What's up?"**_

Leo sighed and said, _**"My father is coming to New York. He hasn't been here since August and is worried, because I didn't go to his place for Thanksgiving, like I always do. He's 67 years old, and you know…"**_ Raph, although he was disappointed and eager to see his boyfriend sighed that he understood to appease Leo's anxieties. _**"Raph, that's not all."**_

Raphael waited anxiously: what Leo was about to announce him? Their break-up?But, not wanting to show his fear and therfore, his weakness, he asked, in a bold voice, " _ **Go ahead. "**_

" _ **I can't see you as much as I'd like this week."**_

It wasn't as as bad as the breakup that Raphael had feared Leo would say he wanted, but it hurt him all the same. _**"Why?"**_ the fireman man asked, upset.

 _ **"My father wants to meet me at the restaurant tonight and Hazel's organizing a family dinner tomorrow night. I don't want to go, but I don't want to upset my father. And Wednesday… "**_

" _ **That's when ya see the lawyer, right?"**_ Raphael asked eagerly.

 _ **"No. Not anymore. The secretary called and asked questions and it's more complicated than we thought. I must buy a number of enrollment and prove that things have been irreconcilable with Hazel for at least six months. If not, I can do without a lawyer in the case of an incontestable divorce. We don't have children. That may be possible. Hazel promised that I would not have any difficulty if I agreed to go on a weekend with her. From this Thursday until Sunday night."**_

" _ **What the fuck?"**_ Raphael yelled, all his self-control abating. " _ **Forget it! Ya don't go away on a romantic weekend with her!"**_

 _ **"Raph,"**_ Leo began _ **.**_

 _ **"No, no Raph. I don't care that yer busy. Bring yer ass back ta me now,"**_ Raphael snapped and hung up.

He watched through the window and even seeing his lover arrive three minutes later, didn't make him feel better. Just by the way Leo walked, Raphael could tell he was truly irritated, but he didn't give a damn. Raphael rushed to him as soon as he entered, and said, _ **"There's nothin' ta add. Leo, Yer not goin',"**_ Raphael yelled. " _ **We don't care if she causes trouble for yer divorce and we will deal with it. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and ya promised ta come with me!"**_

 _ **"My love, I'm sorry, but I've got some good news. I thought about it last night and Donnie won't refuse. He will sign your medical papers, so that you can return to work."**_

" _ **I don't wanna fuckin' owe anythin' ta yer douchebag brother! I'm perfectly able of goin' back ta work on my own,"**_ Raphael spat, his eyes blazing. _**"Ya think somethin' is wrong with me? I'm fuckin' fine, except for my boyfriend goin' on honeymoon with a woman! Except for that, I'm peachy!"**_

Leo sighed, annoyed. " _ **If you say so, but Raph, I understand it saddens you, but this week of absence is for the best for our future. And it's not a honeymoon."**_

" _ **It don't sadden me, ya fucker. It fuckin' makes me mad. She'll seduce you and slip her hands into yer pants. I know! ,"**_ Raphael snarled, golden eyes flashing in anger.

" _ **Raphael, that's enough. I promised you that I would not make any gestures out of friendship with her. I was able to remain friends with Usagi without the slightest thought. I can still do it."**_ Leo voluntarily ignored the struggle with his feelings after his break-up with Usagi and Raph didn't need to know it. The situation was already quite difficult. In any case, it was not the same thing. Leo had in Raph a beloved and passionate lover and he really had nothing to regret with Hazel. _**"If you can't trust me, you can't love me."**_

" _ **Ya have already betrayed me more times than I can count**_!" Raph shouted, pacing back and forth. _**"**_ _ **Why would I believe ya, huh?**_ _ **"**_

" _ **Like me, I trust you enough not to search your body for drugs,"**_ Leo said coldly. " _ **So, if that's all you had to say, I'll go. Or if you calm yourself, I can explain, how its gonna work this week. I had thought of times when it's possible to see each other, while respecting my routine. But if every time, you should bug me, I will stay at home".**_

Raphael hated everything about the situation. Leo wasn't tender nor inclined to sex. The policeman calculated, reflected how to lie, deceive and organize his extramarital escapades. He hated this cold aspect of his lover's personality, but it was all or nothing. Either Raph accepted his schedule and the fast proposed fuck or he could screw himself. Slowly, without accepting, he said: _**"Go ahead."**_

Leo, relieved, explained: _**"We can jog in the morning together. Take your bike and find me at the park at six a.m. On Tuesday, there's the karate class in the evening. We can go to the gym together and then there's nothing to stop me from taking thirty minutes after the family meal, to make love to you. I'll find a way to see you on Wednesday. I swear. I may be unable to stay a long time, but maybe two hours. We can eat together and make love."**_

Leo paused, hoping to convince Raphael that what he proposed wasn't so bad. Raphael thought that it would not be "a real love making," but a quick fuck to satisfy him and satisfy Leo's needs. The policeman would look at the time, non-stop, as a common whore making a lousy customer or make Raphael feel like he was just a fuck toy and someone only deserving of a quick fuck.

" _ **Then we can't see each other until Sunday night, but ... "**_

" _ **No, Leo. I said ya wouldn't go there alone with her. I don't know where."**_ He didn't add" to a place where he couldn't follow him and spy on him, but he thought it. _ **"Where did she plan ta take ya? A romantic place with rose petals on the bed and to reignite yer passion?"**_

Raph was too close to the truth and it was worse than what he thought. Uncomfortable, Leo evaded the question " _ **It's only three nights ..."**_

Alarms echoed in Raphael's mind. He knew the policeman. This evasiveness proved that there was something wrong. Panic seized him: " _ **Three nights of sleepin' naked next ta her. Never! Ya will not go!"**_ he yelled.

" _ **I don't have to ask you for permission, Raphael. I promised that I will not touch her and you will have to be satisfied with this promise, as I trust you for with what you promised me".**_

Suddenly, Raph had an idea. " _ **Okay. Yeah. Yer right! I promised not ta do drugs, but I didn't promise ya that I wouldn't fuck someone else."**_

Leo turned pale and Raph knew that he had hit his boyfriend dead center. Leo, for a deceitful husband and an unfaithful lover was a motherfucker jealous son of a bitch. Never had Raphael met a person so possessive and he knew that Leo was always holding back. His true nature only emerged in sex, revealing a person beyond jealousy. Jealousy was a common issue for many people. Leo's jealousy was on the path of madness and obsession. The policeman himself didn't realize it. During their lovemaking, he said words that a psychiatrist would find troubling. But Raph loved Leo as well. Effect of September 11? Maybe. He didn't give a shit about the reason. There a more important matter now.

The steel eyes took on a threatening look. _**"You will not dare. You are mine"**_

" _ **It works two ways, Fearless. Ya leave with yer wife and I find a way ta warm my bed without ya.**_ "

 _ **"You will not do it. if I have to, I'll put a chastity device on you,"**_ Leo threatened, his face dark in rage. _**"I know it's just an odious blackmail. You wouldn't do that."**_

The idea of the chastity device excited Raphael. That Leo wanted to lock him up, as a precious thing and was being so possessive, pleased him. Casey might say that Raph was completely crazy and controlled by an abuser, but Raph didn't care. No one could understand. Let them stay in their ordinary relationship with an ordinary partner. Raph left the normality to others. They could all keep it. He preferred what he had with Leo, despite the fact that Leo was a controlling, stubborn and hypocritical bastard.

" _ **I suppose ya will have ta wait and see,"**_ Raph replied with a false nonchalance, shrugging his shoulders, but secretly pleased to see Leo's panic.

Furious, and feeling the situation escape his control, which he already normally could not stand, Leo shoved Raph onto the couch, sticking his real hand's fingernails into Raphael's flesh. _**"Do it and it's over"**_

Raphael sneered, " _ **Go with yer wife and it's over."**_

They began to fight, like two male cats wanting to appropriate an alley as their territory. As usual, violence turned into a steamy and endless session of sex.

* * *

 _ **"Yer a motherfucker psycho, ya know that, right, babe?"**_ Raph said, wiping the blood from his lips and collarbone after their angry lovemaking.

Leo panted. He never had been so carried away. He had fucked Raphael mercilessly, and that wasn't all. There were other abuses which he'd have been ashamed of, if Raph hadn't enjoyed it so much. _**"You'll have that with no one else, you know that? Not the way you like it, Raph."**_

" _ **And ya will never find a partner, who accepts yer dark side, as I do."**_

" _ **That is true and that's why you do not have to worry. I want to give this proof of goodwill to Hazel.**_ _ **Then I am yours. I love you, Raph."**_

Raph didn't answer. The brutal sex had exhausted them, leaving them mellow. _**"Shit!."**_ Leo said. _**"I had promised to be at the restaurant at six and my father has been waiting for me for thirty minutes."**_ Raph wanted to go with Leo to the restaurant, meet his father and do things the right old-fashioned way, but he doubted he could walk straight or walk at all. With his lip busted, the fingermarks around his neck and the bites on his collarbones, it looked like he'd fallen into a lake of leeches, it's was definitely not the right time. For the first time, he loved his black skin that did a better job than Leo's pale skin of hiding the bites.

Leo put on his uniform: _**"Will you be in the park tomorrow morning?"**_

 _ **"Yeah. And it's proof of my love for ya, because it's so fuckin' cold and my ass will be frozen. Ya will end up killin' me, babe. Fuckin' me ta death and askin' me ta get up so early ta run ninety minutes."**_

" _ **I know, my love. Thank you for loving me so much and I love you just as deeply,"**_ Leo said and kissed him appreciatively.

After Leo had left, Raph thought he'd been cheated. He had wanted to coax Leo sexually and the opposite had happened. Like a good bitch, he had swallowed Leo's decision at the same time as his cum.

The rest of the week was the same. Raph took what Leo gave him. On Tuesday, in the gym's locker room, Leo handed Raph a paper. " _ **I know you do not want to, but Donnie wrote you a medical note. You can show it to your doctor on Friday. Don is very famous. His opinion will be regarded highly."**_

Raphael mumbled that for a policeman, Leo seems comfortable with corruption. The black man was unhappy. He did not know why he had come to the gym. Leo attended the advanced karate course. They could only meet for a few minutes in the locker room. Barely enough time to admire his boyfriend in his white kimono. _**"Ya look like a bride,"**_ he muttered.

Leo tied the black belt with a mocking smile and said, _ **"It's because you do not see me in action. I would be a terrifying bride."**_

 _ **"I thought ya wanted ta do ninjitsu."**_

 _ **"My father showed me ninjitsu, but I was taking karate lessons in an official dojo at the same time. I was five. Practicing two combat arts at the same time is difficult for the body. When I was eighteen, I tried judo and ju-jitsu too, for more than a year each, but then I decided to focus on only one at a time."**_

 _ **"Yeah. Ya should apply this wise shit ta yer love life too,"**_ Raph snapped.

" _ **Raph, what is the matter?"**_

The stupid question pissed Raph off the most. This morning, while jogging Raph had wanted to know what Leo's wife had said to him after his return on Sunday. A question he had not had time to ask the day before. Leo had vaguely told that his wife had only laid down the condition of the weekend. Raph had asked for details, the wife's reaction, her attitude, had she cried? Leo had closed the subject, saying he didn't want to talk about it. That had alarmed him. Leo had vaguely talked about his meeting with his father too. This discretion seemed suspicious to the black man, who was frank and open.

" _ **Ya didn't tell me what resort yer goin' ta for yer incredible weekend,"**_ he snarled.

" _ **Raph, it's near Atlantic City, by the ocean."**_ Leo finished tying his belt with his 5 Dan embroidered and added, _**"That's all you need to know."**_

It was bullshit. Raphael felt it to the core. Leo was hiding something from him.

 _ **"Raph, no matter where I go, it will not change the feelings I have for you."**_

 _ **"So, tell me where it is!"**_

Leo sighed and said, _ **"Raph, I swear. The flyers are at home, I'll bring you one tomorrow if you insist."**_ That had calmed him down, but after 30 minutes he went back to the locker room. Leo's course ended only in one hour. He opened his locker and he had an inspiration. Leo's keys were there and were daring him. There was a locksmith, 10 minutes away by car. Would he have time? On impulse, he took the keys of his lover and ran out. On his motorcycle, he arrived seven minutes later in front of the shop. And 20 minutes later, he was sitting quietly in the locker room, waiting for his lover, the double key in his pockets. If Leo didn't bring him the flyer, he could always look for it himself.

He would, anyway, want to go into his lover's home, discover this part of life unknown to him, discover his tastes and touch his personal objects. Knowing his rival better could always be useful to him. Leonardo would not be there on the weekend and Raph would have the opportunity to search everywhere. When Leo returned, Raphael smiled at him

On Wednesday morning, Leo didn't have the flyer, apologizing that too caught up in his morning routine, he had not thought of it. On Wednesday night after work, he could not make a detour to pick him up at home, because Hazel would ask questions. On Wednesday, Leo had left after 4 hours of sex, when he was only going to be there for two hours. _**"I have to leave, my love, but I promise you that when I come home on Sunday, everything will be different. I could sleep with you each night and without Karai I could have my lunch with you a few times a week if you do not return to work right away."**_

Raph, full of hope, desperately wanted to believe it and had kissed him.

The next morning, during their morning jog, Raphael only asked, " _ **What time do ya leave?"**_

 _ **"As soon as possible. We'll have dinner in Atlantic City at 8 p.m."**_ Raph had thought that Atlantic City was a weird destination. Leo was not the kind to hang out in casinos, but he knew he'd eventually know.

At 9 p.m. Raph, his heart pounding, was in front Leo's vacant house. He had waited impatiently until nine, so that he wouldn't meet Leo and for it to be dark. The neighbors would comfortably seated in front of the television and their kids in bed. Raph had free rein. Worried, he turned the key in the lock and the door opened. The house smelled good and clean. The first room he saw was the colonial-style living room with a large bookshelf. Interested, he looked at the book titles. He discovered many history, classical and philosophical books, but he didn't know which were Leo's and which were his wife's. The "Art of War "seemed to be Leo's. With emotion, he looked at the few poetry books, thinking back to the haiku that Leo had chosen for him at the beginning of their relationship.

Leo had a new high-tech shit DVD and some movies on DVD too. He looked at the titles: Matrix, Memento, Magnolia, The green line, Gladiator. He continued to the dining-room, feeling that he was in the house of the Clue board game. He was careful to put everything back in the same place. Leo's wife was perhaps a maniac, like the woman in Misery, who had noticed the displacement of a porcelain trinket. There were photos of the couple everywhere and seeing them together, smiling, made Raph sick with jealousy.

Then he went upstairs, passing the first floor and going directly to the second floor. He arrived in a room, simple, but vast and it seemed to him that Leo's scent was still present. He opened the wardrobes and sniffed the male pieces of clothing. He went to the night table, not knowing which was Leo's. The first he chose was not the right one, obviously.

Among the romantic novels and the feminine night cream, he quickly noticed the pre-natal vitamins and the strap-on. He questioned the presence of such an object, not seeing Leo sub to a dildo at all, but it was not what troubled him the most. The flyer, which for obvious reasons now Leo had not shown him, was there. Raphael was only able to read a few words, before he saw red, feeling like he was going to hyperventilate.

" _Here, the atmosphere is romantic and reconciliation is assured."_

" _The only bisexual place M/M on the east coast."_

" _Each chalet offers you the privacy you need to find the flame. Our seminars are here to help you understand your desires and spice up your sex life."_

" _If you feel naughty, sex is even permitted in certain common areas of the couples-only hotel. Guests are also known to get kinky in the clothing-optional Night Club and the adjacent Sin Room, which features circular beds and a sex swing."_

" _We offer a 'pleasure menu' that includes a Massage Bar for erotic massages, sex toys, blindfolds, bondage tape, and other kinky feature."_

" _For the Master and Slaves, three fully equipped dungeons are available."_

" _Condoms are offered free of charge and are unlimited."_

There was no possible mistake, the location being 30 minutes from Atlantic City. This was supposed to be the place where Leo was now. Gazing into each other's eyes, hands in hands with his wife, before a night of hot sex. He knew the policeman: to plunge him into a place thus, would be like locking a bull in a completely scarlet room. He understood why Leo had hidden this information from him, because if he'd known, Leo wouldn't have left for New Jersey. Raph would have nailed him to his bedroom wall.

If Leo didn't fuck his wife, as agreed, he would fuck someone else and worse, several other people, only promising not to fuck Hazel. Raphael, in his naive innocence, hadn't made Leo swear not to touch his spouse, only. He hadn't believed that Leo would have the opportunity to have another sexual partner than his wife and himself.

The fireman could laugh at Leo's jealousy. The truth was that his possessiveness was worse than Leo's. Since Hazel couldn't offer satisfactory sex to her husband, she wanted to offer substitutes with both sex? Leo's wife wanted to play naughty? He would play naughty too.

Raphael took the picture in the silver frame, featuring a smiling Leo, at his wedding on his wife's night table. He pulled out the picture of the frame and tore the part with his wife in it, only keeping the part with his so-called boy-friend in hand. Leo was gorgeous, smiling, dressed in a tuxedo, his blue-steel eyes shining, hair carefully combed. He was so young and had two arms. So handsome. So a cheater.

He unfastened his jeans and pulled out his cock. Slowly stroking it, his cock grew erect. Raphael thought about what he would do to Leo the next time he saw him. Pumping his dick and picturing it, he came violently, spraying his essence, in pearl ribbon, onto the navy-blue bedspread. He knows he didn't act any different from an animal marking his territory in the wild, but he didn't care. He didn't give a damn about anything, now.

It was war.


	20. A wreck

The bedspread covered with his cum, Raph wasn't yet relieved. It wasn't enough for everything he felt as negative emotions. His first instinct was to express his fury to Leonardo. He pulled out his cell phone, wanting to text that lying son of a bitch. As soon as he sent the message, a sound of vibration caught his attention, coming from the other nightstand. Leo's cell phone was there, thus removing Raph any possibility to contact his lover. He roared with rage, took the cellphone and threw it on the wall. Then, he pulled the night table drawer, out of anger. The contents of Leo's drawer were very different from those of his wife. There was a revolver, aspirins, sleeping pills, and a book of Shakespeare's plays. Without any reason, he took the revolver, thinking almost shoot all the pictures in frame of Leo and his wife in the house. Furious, he looked for an outlet. He should destroy and ravage, to make everything as tattered as his heart. He didn't rip the book, for, despite his wrath, he loved Leo too much to destroy what was his. All this was the fault of this bitch, this witch of Leo's wife.

Raphael lost the sense of reality for a moment. Self-restraint, prudence, were words of which he couldn't have explained the meaning at that moment. He didn't give a shit about that crap, anymore. He opened the wardrobe and tore off Hazel's robes. Pulling with all his strength to tear the fabric, he emptied the wardrobe of his contents, leaving the females clothes damaged, scattered on the ground. Then he gave a roar of victory. Preserved in a protective plastic wrap, was the precious Hazel wedding dress, a marvel of gothic lace and exquisite silk. His first thought was to tear the delicate dress, then he had another idea. Laying it out on the bed stained with his stinky sperm, he pulled his cock out of his pants, again, and pissed on the dress, his face split with a big smile seeing the yellow urine permeate the white silk, irremediably lost.

He knew he was leaving his genetic mark everywhere, he wasn't that dumb. But Leo, no doubt, would never push for an investigation. Leo was the responsible of the precinct, a so honorable man. The new deputy inspector couldn't unveil to everyone that he had a love affair with a man, who, tired of being deceived, had sacked his house.

But the havoc of Hazel's wardrobe wasn't enough. He was choking, he was foaming, he had to do something.

He could continue the wreck, but suddenly a flash of sense came back to Raphael, looking around him. Destroying everything wasn't a solution, despite the temporary appeasement of his sufferings. Leo, was going to be furious. And although he hated him now, he knew that this hatred was due only to a surplus of love that would be back in force on Sunday. But he couldn't remain inactive, either. He was going to join Leo and confront him. To the hell with his wife! Raph would tell her the truth. Knowing than she was cheated, worse, cheated with a man, the bitch would leave by herself. Yes, it was a good plan. The flyer in hand, he called the resort to make a reservation.

After 5 minutes, Raphael, annoyed, but still angry, hung up abruptly. In addition to the price, far too expensive for him, of 650 $ for a single night, he had to be accompanied by a man or a woman. No single man was admitted to the site. Then, his imagination represented a Leo, burning with jealousy, in front of a Raph accompanied by another man, younger, more handsome, more athletic than Leo himself. And with two arms. Founding a man, ready to accompany him, for the cover, had to be possible. Raphael knew he was an attractive man.

The receptionist explained to him that the meals were included in the price, except for alcohol, as well as all the amenities of the hotel. Gym, indoor pool, spa, disco, billiards. In the summer, there was even a tennis court and access to the nudist beach. Not to mention the many kinky rooms where he could realize all possible fantasies. So, finding someone wanting to eat and fuck for free, had to be possible.

The receptionist told him about the seminars, _"Bondage for Dummies"_ _or "Role-play for Dummies",_ but Raph had hung up, not interested. Leo, as for him, could be the speaker of the presentation: _"Spanking, advanced level»_ or he thought gritting his teeth _, "How to hide his double life, as a motherfucker professional player, for gifted students"_ No chance of Leo listening to someone giving sexual advice, while his own sex life was crazy as fuck.

He left the house, determined. Money was another problem. Why this bitch had to choose a so expensive place? She didn't give a damn: its was her husband money. But Raph was broke. If he took 650$ for a night, he wouldn't be able to pay his rent. Borrowing money from Casey had to be possible. Casey, as a mechanic, didn't make tons of cash, but living with April, his expenses were less. He could borrow $ 500 and pay the rest himself, even if he ate pasta for two weeks straight. He didn't know if he would have the patience to wait till the next day. It was already over 10pm. By admitting that he found a partner and cash there, he wouldn't be there before midnight, even if he would be speeding on his bike.

Leo, at this hour, will surely be in a room, his hard cock sucked by a man or a woman at his feet. The image, too precise, made him howl inside. He couldn't face it. Not sober. He had promised Leo not to take any more cocaine, but that was too much. Leo, had played him, had lied to him. All this shit was only his fault. If the policeman had left his wife and would be with him, in bed, currently, Raph wouldn't be out to cry and text his drug dealer.

Leo, before leaving the day before, had left him a banknote of 100 $. He had said nothing to Raph, discreetly depositing the bank-bill on the table, at a time when the black man wasn't looking. Raph didn't intend to use his boyfriend's cash. Leo, of course, wanted to make sure that Raph, during his absence, didn't need anything. This fucker had to want to give himself a good conscience, thus paying for meals delivered for his lover. Indeed, Raph needed something.

He went back to the house and picked up the banknote. Leo, in addition, emptied his pockets of money every day, putting the quarters in a bowl, in the kitchen. He didn't give a damn, at looking desperate, counting the pennies. Nobody could see it. He only had $ 18.75, but it would pay for some of the gas. Raph, since he hadn't taken cocaine too long, was only at 1 gram per day before stopping. But he felt that this time, it wouldn't be enough to fill the tear of his being. He needed 2 grams, per day, minimum and perhaps, if he had some nose candy to share, finding a partner to go out there, would be easier. The 100$ paid for 5 grams, but he decided that for a weekend of horror like the one that was coming, he needed at least 12. He preferred more than not enough.

He had received his allowance today, but the amount didn't allow him fantasies. But he didn't care. He went out and went to the ATM. He withdrew $ 400 from his bank account. 150$ to put with the 500$ of Casey, 150$ for the drug and 100$ for flirting at Dusty's right fucking now and the gas. It was almost a quarter of his monthly income before he returns to work. Then he thought about it: tomorrow was his medical appointment for his return to work, at 5PM. He had taken this late hour so that Leo could be available to go with him. If he didn't show up, his return to work could be postponed or worse, he could lose his job. Angel liked him, but at this point he wasn't too sure. In addition, losing his job would make a bad impression on Leo's family.

Anyway, would he ever see Leo's father? He couldn't think clearly, thoughts clashing in his painful head. He met the dealer, went to the seven-eleven toilet and made himself two 3-inch rail, on the toilet lid, with his driver license. He tightly role up a 20 $ bill and snorted the first rail. He sniffer hard to get the power all the way up into his nose, eager to feel soon some relief. He poured tap water and dipped his fingertips to snort some water. And, immediately, he began again, snorting the second rail with his other nostril. Then, he used his license card, to clean up any left over by using it on the toilet lid to make one last tiny line, and he suck it.

Afterwards, he feels numb, he didn't know what to do in first. Go see Casey to borrow the money? Go find a nice new fuck-friend to make Leo sick with jealousy?

He checked his nose, to avoid keeping some traces of white powder. He had to go to Casey first. It was near midnight. Casey had to sleep or is ready to be, working at 8am the next day. The boy-toy could wait until later. The later he arrives at Dusty's anyway, the more the guys out there will be drunk and desperate.

Rubbing his sensitive nose, he rang at Casey's. His confused head, which only played scattered images of Leo stroking, licking, kissing, fucking another with powerful thrust, hadn't planned a speech to borrow the money. Casey, sleepy, opened the door and Raph blurted:

" _ **Case, I need cash, 500 bucks at least."**_

Casey looked a little astonished. « _ **"What the fuck, man, I don't have as much money on me"**_

" _ **Come with me, we'll go to the ATM."**_ In his passion, Raph grabbed his brother's arm and pulled him out.

Casey pulled away, furious _**"Why do not you borrow that money from your boyfriend? He makes $ 100,000 more than I do, in a year**_!"

Raph hadn't foreseen this legitimate question _ **. "He's not here, he's in Atlantic City, I want to join him."**_ Casey looked at his brother's dilated pupils and his agitation. Mad, he snarled: " _ **Fuck, no, Raph, this man brings you nothing, but shit! What the fuck he does there, without you, anyway?**_ _**If he had wanted you to come over…"**_

Raph grabbed him by the shirt and yelled: _ **"You don't understand shit, It's because of his damn wife!" To accept the divorce, she asked for a weekend with him before, but she planned a sexy thing and Leo ... "**_

Incredulous, Casey asked _ **: "You mean this Leo guy is married?**_ _ **You fucked with a married man? What a colossal asshole ! »**_

Raphael didn't want to hear his brother's judgment _ **. "That's why Leo didn't want to go to the museum. His wife is yer girlfriend's boss,"**_ he quickly explained, _ **"Now ya know everything, give me the cash "**_

Coldly, Casey straightened up _ **: "Fuck, no, this guy's a fucker**_. _**April has already told me about her boss and her husband. This woman is adorable and she deeply loves her man. He's her. He will not leave her for you. Get out of this shit, man,**_ _**before it's too late."**_ The last words were a desperate plea.

Raph wasted his time talking to Casey and he doesn't want to hear this kind of crap about Leo's wife. Too geek up, he turned his back to his brother _ **: "Fuck ya, Case.**_ _ **I will ask to Ma, then."**_

Casey holds him by the shoulder _ **: "I'm going to tell Ma not to give you that money, and that you're high on coke, again ... Bro, get out of this shit and forget this jerk,"**_ pleaded, upset, Casey _ **.**_

 _ **"I'm not yer fucking bro ..."**_ Raph snapped, moving away before being too tempted to hit Casey.

He got on his bike and left, his eyes burning with tears of rage. Without this money, Raph couldn't enter at the resort. It was useless to see Ma. Casey had to call her at the very moment to tell what terrible mess Raph was. The woman must regret having adopted him, now.

So, he couldn't join Leo, but he will not remain idle. He was going to go to Dusty's, as planned, and bring a man home and spend the night yelling in pleasure, too.

He did as he had planned. He went to Dusty's, snorted 2 rails in the restroom, offered to drink to the first guy whom he appeared to be a fag, played two games of billiards, offering as his stake his ass and brought him home. The guy was neither handsome nor ugly, just an average guy. Certainly not as break taking as Leo. Alone in his apartment with him, Raph, despite his jealousy and the drugs, regained his senses when the man put his hands under his t-shirt, stroking his pecs and sticking his tongue down his throat.

It wouldn't work. Fucking with this man would only bring him disappointment and sorrow. His cock would refuse to collaborate anyway, despite his anger and desire for vengeance. He belonged to Leo, whether he hated this scumbag motherfucker or not, at the moment. Since he couldn't show off with this man, in front of Leonardo, it was useless.

He tried, in spite of everything, about thirty seconds, then, the man gripped his flaccid cock and it was too much. He shoved him. _**"I changed my mind, go away."**_

" _ **Why? I can give you a good time**_ "the man insisted, in a seductive tone. Raph shook his head in disgust.

 _ **"No, I have someone, it was a bad idea. Go away "**_

The man insisted again, but when Raph turned aggressive, he finally left, leaving Raph alone in his living hell. Raph could do nothing, except wait until Sunday and hoped that, like his, Leo's dick would remember who it belonged to.

* * *

 _I tried to write without revision, to see if I improved in English. Still having difficulty with verb tenses. Or with the words in French that translate into English don't have quite the same meaning._ _Is it generally understandable? I had trouble with the $ Must we say bill, bill-bank, notebank or just note? In the next chapter, we'll see Leo's return._


	21. Not so Fearless anymore

Leo had insisted on leaving sooner than expected. It was only 4:30, but he was too anxious to return home to wait longer. As soon as he entered his house, he knew something was off. Firstly, the front door was unlocked and he was positive that he'd locked it before leaving for the crappy weekend. Secondly, he had seen from the street that the light in their bedroom was on. Worried, he told Hazel to stay in the car and when he was inside the house, he grabbed his katanas that were on the wall and quietly went upstairs.

The smell of urine permeated the air and, perplexed, Leo gripped his katana tighter and continued upstairs. Once inside his room, he stared dumbfounded at the damage. Clothes were strewed everywhere and Hazel's wedding dress was spread out on the bed. The strong, acrid urine smell seemed to emanate from it, and his face dark in rage at the violation, Leo wondered what kind of intruder could be so disgusting and stupid. He gazed around the room, checking to see what could have been stolen, but there was nothing there of value, so he went downstairs, finding that the television, DVD's and everything else was still there. The living room, the dining room and the kitchen were spotless as usual.

He went upstairs again and suddenly realized that only Hazel's clothes had been ruined. Not his. Leo noticed the broken glass and realized that their framed wedding photo had been smashed. He found Hazel's torn photo and suddenly had a very bad feeling.

Hazel was the target of the attack, but she was a sweet woman and loved by all, so it didn't make any sense. Then, his eyes landed on the flyer on the floor, not far from his cell phone. He turned on the still working device and saw he had a new text. Holding his breath, he read the message from his boy-friend. _"Son of a bitch, ya will not fuck yer wife, but only all the perverts at this resort. If I hear ya touched someone, I will break yer pretty boy face."_

His heart pounded. He didn't know how, but Raph had infiltrated his house and consumed by jealousy, he had ransacked the room. Now the consternation and panic had subsided, Leo was overcome with rage.

How could Raph, that hypocrite, dare to do that? Raph had followed him or had searched his wallet to know his address. And then, he had entered his house to what? Get revenge on Hazel? To find out where Leo had gone? It didn't matter why. What he'd done was disrespectful, betraying Leo's trust and not trusting Leo. Suddenly it became clear. Don was right. Leo must be emotionally unstable, because he was enamored with an even more unstable person.

Hazel had tried all weekend to seduce him and make him change his mind, but despite her tears, he had resisted. He loved Raph and what he offered him, but seeing how dangerous Raph could be, their love took a back seat. If Hazel had seen the damage, she would have panicked and demanded that Leo call the police. Raph knew that Leo would not call his officers. Hazel would want to know why Leo didn't call the police and everything would have become appallingly complicated. Leo was going to settle things with Raph once and for all.

Resolved, he decided to call Donnie. He didn't want his younger brother interfering in his life, but Hazel had to be in a safe place.

" _ **Don, I want you to come and get Hazel. Take her to your home and please keep her for the night. I have something I need to do and I don't know how long it will take and I want her to feel safe with a reliable person."**_

 _ **"But Leo, how was your weekend in New Jersey?"**_ Donatello asked anxiously.

Leo frowned. Why was Donnie aware? He had told Hazel not to tell anyone about it. _**"Don, this is not the time. I told you to stay out of my love life. I ask you to come and get Hazel. It's for her and not for me."**_

Donnie remained silent for a moment _ **. "Why do you think I don't love you? Why do you think I don't care?"**_ Donatello asked, clearly upset.

 _ **"Don, be here in five minutes."**_ Leo hesitated and said, _ **"And bring your prescription notebook."**_

Leo then went down to the kitchen, grabbed a garbage bag and placed the wedding dress in it. And then he saw some traces of doubtful appearance on the bedspread. He closed his eyes, discouraged, by guessing the nature and provenance. Raph was a sick bastard.

Picking up the bedspread, he mentally cursed his boyfriend. Raphael was too impulsive and unpredictable. Maybe the meds that Donatello was going to prescribe would do him some good. Leo picked up the other clothes that seemed damaged beyond repair. Almost all of Hazel's wardrobe was destroyed. All she had was the clothes she'd taken with her for the weekend. The poor woman didn't deserve this. Leonardo was going to have to buy her more clothes. Raph cost him a lot with his bad decisions. He searched for his belongings and took his handcuffs. It was not erotic handcuffs, like Raph's, which were more a toy. These were what he used for criminals. And for what he was about to tell Raph, he had to be restrained. Pressure points wouldn't be enough this time.

Throughout the weekend Leo had, as agreed, given proof of goodwill to Hazel, while not having sex with anyone, as he had sworn to Raphael. The weekend had been awkward and annoying, hence his insistence of leaving sooner. He had promised Raph that he would be back around 9 p.m., but suspecting that his lover was going to be consumed with anguish and boredom, he had succeeded in convincing Hazel that staying longer was futile. The divorce was now inevitable, except if she fell pregnant, which was unlikely.

The policeman wanted to reassure his lover and tell him that from now on, they wouldn't have to restrain themselves so much, but seeing the damage Raphael had caused, made him no longer certain of his decision. The divorce with Hazel was assured. She didn't deserve to be treated this way and Leo was no longer happy with her, but his relationship with Raph had just taken a blow.

Leo knew he was also possessive, but the destruction and intrusion was insane. Raphael had to prove that he was stable and reliable before Leo could trust him again. Don's pills would help Raphael and Leo suddenly thought that maybe he had been too stubborn about it. He had to consult a psychologist. A few weeks, single and alone, would do him good. Raph would probably go back to work tomorrow and a normal life for him would be a test. Perhaps Raphael would no longer need Leo and wouldn't love him so much. Maybe he only loved Leo, because he was bored. Celibacy until Christmas would do them good and see how they really felt about one another.

This all depended on whether Raphael had a good explanation for his actions. He'd have to beg on his knees for Leo to forgive him. Then, Leo thought about what Raph could have done elsewhere during his absence. Fucking other men, as he had threatened. If he'd done that, they were over.

Leo joined Hazel outside and explained that criminals had broken into their home, that he was going to take care of it and that Donnie was coming to get her. When Don arrived, Leo said, " _ **The same pills for my friend, please."**_ Don, without a word, wrote and handed him the paper. Leo had already recovered his pill bottle. He was going to give them to Raph, because he was clearly losing his self-control and nerves.

After asking Hazel to stay with Donnie until further notice, Leo hopped into his car and drove to Raph's place. The black man was there and Betty was parked. Leo took a deep breath. It was going to be a challenging confrontation and he had to show Raphael just how incensed he was, so that he understood that he was serious.

He knocked on the door and when there was no response, he knocked again, thinking jealously that maybe someone had taken Raph with them. Then, he heard Raph say angrily, _**"Fuck ya Case. Go away!"**_

Leo braced himself and said, _**"It's not Casey. It's Leo."**_ Leo thought he heard a _'shit'._ Then silence followed.

" _ **Come back later, Leo . I was sleepin'."**_

Leo bristled at the reply. After all Raph had done, he told him this bullshit! Raphael was probably afraid of Leo's reaction about his vandalism or maybe he was hiding someone or something. The idea of that pissed him off _ **. "Raph, you either open the damn door or I'm never coming back."**_

" _ **Okay. Hang on a sec."**_ Raph's voice was different, embarrassed, frightened. Leonardo understood. Raphael must suspect that Leo was very angry. Leonardo heard the tile crack, indicating that Raph was behind the door _ **. "Baby, I was furious, jealous and upset. I love ya so much and knowin' ya were in that kinda place made feel like I was dyin' inside."**_

Leo sighed. He wanted to be mad, but hearing Raphael's sad voice touched him. _**"Raphael, open the door. I need to talk to you and I refuse to do it talking through a closed door."**_

Raph opened the door, looking miserable, and Leo immediately thought he understood the regrets Raph had said. It had nothing to do with the ransacking of Hazel's wardrobe. That was because Raph was doped-up again, despite his promise. While Leo had kept his own. With a great thrust, he pushed Raph back inside _ **.**_

 _ **"Where is it?"**_ the policeman asked angrily.

" _ **I don't know what yer talkin' 'bout, babe. Please sit down. I'll make ya tea."**_

Raphael was lying to him. Leo held his head in his hands. The situation was far worse than he had thought. To forgive Raphael was now almost impossible. _**"Raph,"**_ Leo said firmly. " _ **Go to the bedroom, undress and lie down. You're wearing the same clothes you wore when I left four days ago."**_

Raphael's face split open in a big smile. He'd rubbed his nose seven times in front of Leo, making it clear that he was lying, but he was too high to realize that. He was expecting one of their hot and angry make-up sex sessions and eager, he tore off his red T-shirt and looking at Leo lustfully, he went to the room, followed by Leo.

Leo, without a word, looked at Raph undressing. He turned the heating up higher. If Raph was naked, he shouldn't be cold. He approached Raph with the handcuffs and, not suspecting a thing, Raph held out his hands, thinking they were going to play a kinky game.

Leo's heart sank, as he noticed fresh scars on Raph's wrists. He kissed them before locking the handcuffs and he looked sadly at the smiling and confident black man.

Leo composed himself and said, " _ **Raph, you went behind my back and looked up my address. Then you entered my house and vandalized it."**_ Raph's smile faded, but Leo was far from done. " _ **You broke your promise about not taking drugs. I don't know what else you have done, but I can no longer be with you."**_

Raph, trembling and trying to get free, shouted, " _ **I didn't take any shit, ya fuckin' hypocritical and paranoid bastard."**_

Leo, without a word and ignoring Raph's insults, went to the living room. Finding the powder didn't take him five minutes, but another object caught his attention. He found a condom still sealed in its package. It meant that Raph had planned or had had sex with someone else. His face darkened in rage. It was too much to bear.

Leonardo returned to the bedroom carrying the drugs and sealed condom, his face stony, and dropped them onto the bed.

Raphael, realizing he'd been caught, started rambling confusing explanations, as well as supplications, insults, accusations and threats. Leo patiently listened to all that Raphael said, but when he realized that Raph had repeated the same speech about five times, only interchanging, 'fuck' and 'damn', Leo raised his hand for him to stop.

 _ **"I have something for you,"**_ Leo said, poking his pockets. _**"They are in my name, but you have your own prescription. Follow the instructions. In three weeks or so, we may be able to talk to each other again as friends."**_

He was interrupted by Raph, whose face grew darker, as Leo spoke, and he finally snapped, " _ **Fuck yer brother's pills. Ya can shove them in yer prick ass!**_ _**Have ya listened ta nothin' I told ya?"**_

 _ **"Raph, you vandalized my wife's property, took drugs all weekend and brought a man home with the intention of having sex ."**_

Raph hissed, " _ **I threw the guy out. I told ya! I didn't do nothin', except with yer fuckin' underwear."**_ He tilted his chin towards the navy boxers on the bed.

 _ **"Never mind. That's a lot of bad behavior, Raph. I don't think I can forgive you and it validates my theory that I bring you more harm than good. On your return to work tomorrow…"**_

Raph looked away, biting his lip, and Leo understood. Raph hadn't even gone to his appointment. In any case, it would have done nothing good. His beautiful lover was a mess. Leo felt so guilty. Raph wouldn't have a normal life soon. He loved the black man so much. His life was a mess since they'd first met and it was all Leo's fault.

Leo looked at Raph, but not really seeing him. Raphael understood that for Leo himself, the situation was unbearable and that the policeman tried to keep up his Fearless act, but Raphael could see behind his lover's front. Leo was heartbroken.

" _ **I'm truly sorry for all the mess I have caused you,"**_ Leo said. " _ **Our break-up is the best thing for you. Take the pills, get a grip on yourself and maybe we can be able to be friends."**_

Raphael's heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces. He knew that Leo had made this decision after finding the cocaine, but that didn't mean he was ready to hear this. Okay. He had broken his promise about the drugs and he had been stupid, but he'd only done it because he had been distressed. He loved Leo too much and his absence had been too painful to cope with. Leo had to understand. He tugged again on the handcuffs. " _ **Fuck ya, Leo!"**_ Raphael snapped " _ **Ya fucker! Ya call it quits when I'm handcuffed, just like ya did when ya paralyzed me. Ya don't have the guts ta do that with me free, because I know how ta change yer mind. I get onto my knees and suck yer off, like yer wife did this weekend."**_

" _ **Raphael, please, understand…"**_

" _ **She convinced ya, right?"**_ he snarled. " _ **She sucked ya off and maybe gave ya her flat ass and gave ya permission ta fuck anyone. And yer lookin' for an excuse ta get rid of me, so ya can continue ta have a fake life with her. With her, ya would be free ta bang other people, because she dislikes sex and it's a way of keepin' ya, but with me, who's just as possessive as ya, ya can't. Ya can accuse me 'bout an unused condom when ya, scumbag, must have fucked at least twelve people this weekend. Ya prefer ta be free, and have a beautiful woman, as a beard, but yer not even in love with her. The only person ya love is yerself!"**_

Raphael sat up so violently, that the bed threatened to break, screaming in rage, not listening to Leo, who pretended it was untrue, and begged him to shut up or stop pulling on the handcuffs if he didn't want to be injured, but Raph ignored him and said that he wasn't finished with him.

Raphael repeated his insults and curses, while pulling so hard on the handcuffs that they pierced his flesh, causing it to bleed, but he didn't care. He didn't care about losing his wrists. All that mattered was convincing Leo.

" _ **How many have ya fucked, huh? While I was cryin' here and imaginin' ya with them. I was desperate. Can't ya understand that, Leo?"**_

" _ **Raph, I didn't have sex with anyone. I'm not lying,"**_ Leo said, eyeing the scars on the wrists that were now bleeding.

Faced with this heartbreaking spectacle and tears running down his face, Leo grabbed Raph's face and Raphael seeing the tears, calmed down.

 _"_ _ **I swear to you. Raph, calm down. Seeing you like this breaks my heart. This is not what you think. I will divorce Hazel. Her period is due today and she will do a last pregnancy test in a couple of days. If it's negative, she will sign the divorce papers. I'm not leaving you for her or anyone. Calm yourself, please, Raph."**_

 _ **"How do ya expect me ta be calm? Ya wanna breakup with me!"**_ Then, seeing the tears run down the face he so loved, Raph said more calmly, " _ **I love ya and nothin' makes sense without ya, Leo. I know it's just as unbearable for ya, as it is for me. Why do ya do this ta me? To us? Yer lyin' ta yerself. Ya love me!"**_

Leo didn't point out that ten minutes earlier, Raph had accused him of loving no one. Raphael was clearly confused. It was dark outside and it was past 9 p.m. They'd already been arguing for four hours. He didn't have time to reply, because Raph said, " _ **Leo, look at me, baby. Look me in the eyes and tell me ya don't love me any more and I will try ta accept it."**_

Leo looked at him briefly and said, " _ **I can't. I love you enough to breakup, because I only cause you sorrow and heartache."**_

Immense relief overwhelmed Raphael on hearing this answer. Leo, despite his inflexibility, didn't really want to break up. If his lover still loved him, there was still hope, but he had to make up for the past few days.

 _ **"Leo, baby. Ya know that I love ya more than anythin'. Ya've never hurt me and I'm fine when I'm near ya."**_

Leonardo's face looked doubtful and he said, " _ **No, Raph. You're not fine. What you did with Hazel's clothes is not a sign of a balanced person. Doing cocaine the entire weekend is not a sign of a mentally healthy person. If I hadn't entered your life or if I hadn't pushed our relationship to become sexual, you would have spent a normal weekend with friends and you would have gone back to work four weeks ago. I dragged you into this mess, I manipulated you, I lied to you, I abused you, I made you fall in love with me, because I wanted you, knowing that I wasn't free, that I would make you unhappy. I am jealous, possessive and violent with you and I don't deserve your pure heart. The only thing I can do now is to free you from my harmful grip."**_

" _ **I'm not a little helpless girl. Have ya looked at me? "**_ Raphael said, his voice rising with his temper, rolling his eyes, exasperated by what he thought was a ridiculous display of remorse. " _ **Do ya hear yourself, babe? Fuck. I love ya. Really I do. Ya didn't push me into a sexual relationship. I wanted a sexual relationship with ya from day one. Okay. Maybe not day one at the hospital, but from our second encounter at the coffee shop, even when I didn't know ya liked men too. I loved ya before ya loved me. Ya don't abuse me. I always loved hardcore sex. I want and need ya."**_

Leo gave him a brief dark look and said flatly, " _ **Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome from September eleven. It happened to many victims in different ways. Donnie told me.**_ _**I am a crutch for you."**_

Raph wished he could shake his lover and make him see sense, but the handcuffs prevented him from doing so. " _ **Yer fuckin' delusional!"**_ Raphael shot back. " _ **I'm not a victim, Leo. Yer not a damn crutch and I'm fucking fine!"**_

" _ **Raph…"**_

" _ **Shut the fuck up! I am yer boyfriend of my own free will! It's not a fuckin' post-crap syndrome!"**_ An idea came to him _**"Did ya talk 'bout that with yer bro, the rat? Did he put those damn ideas in yer paranoid head?"**_

" _ **No. Be reasonable. I'm toxic for you. This is hard, but you will thank me later. You are going to find another boyfriend, younger than me, with all of his limbs and you can build a better future with him. You are a handsome man, you are so…"**_

Raphael closed his eyes, not listening. It was past the boiling point and had not gone anywhere and he was exhausted. For the past three hours or so he'd been on a downward spiral, following the high from the drugs. He had no energy and felt despaired. Leo had been torturing him for hours and every ounce of patience or reason had left him. Leo, obviously, didn't want to break-up more than he did, but he refused to admit it. Leo was proud and had to pretend to punish him for his weekend stupidities, but he didn't really want to leave him. Leo needed to be cornered, so he'd realize it and if Raph had to do that, he would.

He had an idea, but for that to happen, Leo had to release him.

 _ **"Release me, Leo. Let me hug ya one last time,"**_ he pleaded. _**"Feel yer hair, caress yer skin, kiss ya. I wanna memorize yer body one more time, baby. I didn't know last week would be the last time we'd make love. Please. I swear I will be calm."**_

Leonardo hesitated, but seeing Raphael's bleeding wrists and his imploring golden eyes, he yielded. In any case, he could not leave Raphael tied up for so long. For hours, he was trying to convince his boyfriend why they should break up and he was emotionally drained. And, he must admit, he wanted to hug Raph and feel his muscular arms around him. The weekend had been extremely grueling and had demanded that he maintain his self-control. He was just as worn out as Raphael was and needed comfort.

Leo had barely unlocked the second handcuff, when, with a powerful thrust, the fireman pushed him onto his back and before he could blink, a glock barrel was pressed against his forehead. Leo thought that it was probably his own weapon, but he hadn't yet noticed that it was no longer in his drawer.

" _ **Yer not the only one, who can be a sneaky bitch. I learned from a master,"**_ Raphael sneered. _**"I told ya so, babe. Ya wouldn't be over with me. Retract what ya've said the past few hours. Tell me it was just BS and that ya love me. Tell me that ya love me, we belong ta each other and we're not over,"**_ Raph demanded furiously.

All a stunned Leo could do was look at him. Raphael, a manic look in his eyes, had the revolver pointed at him. He silently dealt with this unexpected development and forced himself to go into his instinctive policeman mode. _**"You can kill me, Raphael. That will not change anything. You will not have what you want. You can't bully me that way."**_

Raph looked at him with his burning eyes for a moment, seeming not to have understood the words, since they weren't the ones he wanted to hear. Then, his golden eyes gleamed and he immediately removed the revolver and pressed it to his own tempe. He chuckled sarcastically and said, " _ **What 'bout this, Fearless? What are ya gonna do? I hope yer ready ta clean up my brain splatter and my blood and ready ta explain why I killed myself in front of the deputy inspector."**_

Leonardo's stomach twisted. When the gun was pointed at him, he could handle it. He wasn't afraid of death and had often stared it in the face, but with his beloved boyfriend it was something else. His heart thumped, his brain raced, as he tried to think of a way of getting the weapon from his lover, but that was physically impossible. Although Raph wasn't his usual self, he was determined and if Leo made the slightest movement, Raph would press the trigger. Leo felt like this was similar to a hostage situation.

 _ **"Raph, please. Put that gun down. You're not serious. You're young, have so many reasons to live. Think of your friends and your family,"**_ Leo begged

 _ **"I'm dead fuckin' serious, Leo. If ya no longer wanna be part of my life as my boyfriend, I don't wanna live. I'd prefer ta blow my brains out, rather than listen ta yer crap 'bout my happy future without ya,"**_ Raphael said coldly, his eyes stony and emotionless. The unusual expression on his lover chilled Leo to the bone. It must be because of the cocaine. Raphael needed to go to rehab. " **And,"** Raphael added. " _ **I'm so fuckin' tired after listenin' ta yer damn BS 'bout us. I can't wait anymore. I'm countin' up ta ten, Fearless. If ya don't retract everythin' I will kill myself. One, two, three…"**_

Leonardo's gut churned and he said, trying to stop him, " _ **Raph, let's make a deal. You're going to promise to take your meds and go to rehab and if you're better, I will think about us again."**_

Raphael, who had stopped counting to listen to the proposal, remained expressionless and gripped the butt of the weapon tighter. " _ **Three, four… "**_

Leo knew he wasn't bluffing. He had never dealt with anyone wanting to end their life before, but he knew his lover. It wasn't just emotional blackmail. In a few seconds, Raph would shoot himself in the head if Leo didn't promise to remain his boyfriend. He had sincerely hoped that Raph could find happiness elsewhere, even if it hurt him but he doubted it. Raphael loved him more than anyone had ever loved him. Maybe if Leo stayed, Raph would do what he needed to do: pills, therapy and rehab. Drug free, Raphael was eager to please him. If he didn't have Leo and if he didn't shoot himself, Raph could die of an overdose anytime.

 _ **"Seven, eight, nine,"**_ Raphael said in an emotionless, detached voice that Leo didn't recognize.

 _ **"Stop**_ " Leo said, trembling. " _ **I promise you. I'm still yours. I didn't think about what I was saying. I love you too much to lose you "**_

Raphael grinned. He finally lowered the revolver and said, " _ **I knew, baby. Ya only needed a little push ta admit it. Yer a stubborn bastard, but I love ya anyway."**_ Raphael hungrily kissed his lover, while Leo tried not vomit from anxiety or have a nervous breakdown, as he recalled what a 'little push' was. Leo lay down on his back and didn't resist the eager fingers that were undressing him and then stroking him. And he didn't really listen to Raph's passionate declarations of love. He was still trying to deal with all that had happened.

Leonardo turned his head, giving access to his neck, his eyes not leaving the weapon on the night table. He dared not move, afraid of upsetting Raph and making him get the weapon and to turn it on Leo and then himself.

" _ **I know what yer thinkin'. Yer worried. It's late and tomorrow is yer first day as deputy inspector. Relax, babe. Yer bitch of a boss is a gone now. I wanna top tonight. I fantasied 'bout yer ass for days. I'll mark ya everywhere, so that everybody will know yer mine and we can sleep after that. And after the joggin' tomorrow, I'll make blueberry pancakes,"**_ Raphael murmured between the tender kisses.

Leo didn't answer. Never had his professional life been so back in his mind, as he let his lover take advantage of his body. He continued to gaze at his weapon and, for the first time in his life, Leo was terrified.

 _Effaraz: Je sais que c'est presque comme dans mon autre fic, mais tu es la seule qui me lit dans les deux langues. Ou la seule qui me lit, tout court, donc j'espère que tu me pardonne!_


	22. Close but no cigars

Leo's heart began to beat normally again as he sat at his desk. He tried to forget all that had happened the previous day and focus on his work, but he was unable, the image of Raphael threatening him and then turning the weapon on himself, forever imprinted in his mind. The worst part was that after passionately making love this morning, Raphael had acted like nothing had happened. He'd dressed for jogging and had joked that "Leo was going to kill him, because he'd had so little sleep." Raphael had then caressed and kissed him passionately in the shower. Afterwards, Raphael had made the pancakes. Leo had felt obliged to eat, even though he was still anxious. Before Leo left, Raphael kissed him gently on the forehead and wished him a good day at work. But before Leo had even gotten into his car, the anxiety and nausea he still felt overcame him and he threw up his breakfast.

Before leaving, Raph had told him about groceries and asked him for some money. Leo, for not having to relive a similar stress would have given his account to the bank. He had given him $200 again, eager to get away. Raph had promised lasagna and Leo, while fleeing, had absent-mindedly nodded. And there, sitting in his office, he wondered what to do. Raph was far worse than he'd thought. A danger to himself and others, a hard drug user that Leo should arrest and have sent to prison for home invasion, vandalism and death threats.

Of course, he wouldn't do it, but he had to do something. He took notes on a piece of paper, which were to bring a locksmith to his house and change the locks, so Hazel would be safe. They were getting a divorce, but he still cared about her safety and she couldn't live with Donatello forever. Then he wanted to find a detox center. Raph hadn't been a cocaine addict for a long time and his stay shouldn't be a long one. He would get therapy and when he was released, he could work again. And then Leo would decide what to do. He loved Raph, but he loved him too much to suffer another occurrence of what had happened and to fear for Raph's life. Raphael must have been really unhappy to do what he'd done. Leo understood that the situation with Hazel wasn't going to help Raph, but it was much more complicated than just jealousy.

He called a detox center, 5 miles from his own home. Patients stayed there for rehab for 30, 60, and 120 days. 120 days seemed horribly long to Leo and he inquired about the 60-day program, what Raph would have as therapy, what he could do in his spare time and whether he was allowed to visit him. A too coercive program would put Raph off. He already had to convince him to go to rehab and he didn't know how he'd do that. Leo spent the whole morning thinking about it, neglecting his work and made another call to the locksmith.

He had to keep his cellphone in his office drawer, so he didn't see the messages on them waiting for him to respond to. At noon, he went out for some air. Walking in the cold in early December, was going to do him good. Then he had to eat well, having eaten nothing since the morning. Ge settled on soup. He was surprised to find his brother waiting for him. Donnie had an expression he had never seen before. Excited and nervous. Leo frowned. He didn't want an interrogation after such a morning. " _ **Don? Why are you here? Where is Hazel? Is she okay?**_ _ **"**_ Leo asked anxiously.

Donnie stammered that yes, she was fine and talking about him who didn't answer his phone all morning. Leo then noticed Donnie handing him a yellow box with a green ribbon. It looked like a box of chocolates and bewildered, Leo stared at him in astonishment, because he was generous with medical care and medications, but not with gifts.

" _**Open it,"**_ Don ordered excitedly and Leo slowly opened the box. The two cigars surprised him and he had a moment of consternation. Neither Don nor him smoked.

And then, seeing what else there was, his heart skipped a beat. In the center, in a milky white plastic, among the white silk paper, was a pregnancy test. There was no need to read the instruction manual to find out if two bars were a positive sign. The two cigars, one with a pink ribbon and a blue ribbon, meant everything. He heard, as though he were under water, Don's congratulations and his embarrassed explanations that Hazel had not dared to tell him the news herself and that being unable to know the gender before the four month mark, he'd given cigars for both genders.

" _ **So, Leo, what are you going to do?**_ _ **Hazel is pregnant and she loves you.**_ _ **Are you going to get divorced when you're ready to have everything you've wanted for so long?"  
**_

Stunned and barely able to speak, Leo asked if the test was infallible. Don said, " _ **Yes. You can always come to the hospital if you don't trust me. A blood test will prove it."**_

Leonardo, feebly denied not trusting his brother, but he wanted to see with his own eyes. Donatello nodded, as if he had foreseen this request.

" _ **Come to my place after work. I can do the test or we can go to the hospital or you can watch Hazel have a urinary one tomorrow morning. It's as you wish, Leo. It will not change anything. You're going to be a father**_."

The policeman accepted the blue cigar Don gave him. He puffed absent-mindedly. They remained silent for five minutes, smoking. Then Leo spoke, _**"Indeed. If Hazel is really pregnant, it changes everything."**_

Relieved, Don agreed and said, _ **"Yeah. You can't leave a beautiful and good wife for a stranger, despite all the thrills that he can give you! It would be insane. It's not you, big brother."**_

Shivering, Leo thought about all the thrills Raphael had given him. He nodded and extinguished his cigar. _**"See you tonight, Don. I'll finish early.**_ _ **"**_

Without looking at the text messages, Leo called the locksmith again, made an appointment and advised his secretary that he had to leave for a medical reason. Four hours later, when Raph had to take the lasagna out of the oven and accompanied by his wife, Leo was returning from Donatello's house with the new locks. He sent a text to his now official ex-lover. " _Raph, Hazel is pregnant. I didn't want to believe the test, but I saw the results._ _As agreed, we can't continue our relationship. I beg you, take back control of your life. I've opened a file for you at a rehab center and I'll pay for it. Please take this opportunity. Don't come over. I changed the locks and if you cause a scene, I will call my officers._ _ **"**_

He didn't want to threaten. He wanted to take Raph in his arms, cry with him and beg him to be reasonable, but the too gentle methods didn't work with a passionate and fierce man like his black lover. Leo would have liked to tell him that he still loved him, but that would have twisted the knife into the fireman's heart. He knew that Raph wasn't going to take that "as a little bitch", as he said himself, and that wouldn't be easy, but Hazel needed him and had already suffered enough. To protect her and their unborn baby, he would no longer treat Raph favorably if it wasn't reasonable. Resolved, he pressed the "send" button.


	23. Breakdown in the kitchen

Leo spent the evening at home, installing the locks, grateful to Hazel for asking no questions. It must be said that Hazel, after Leo had seen the pregnancy result and had taken her in his arms and kissed her on the forehead, was euphoric. She had won over her husband and was expecting. When Leo had finished changing the two locks, he watched her flutter in the kitchen, with the lightness of a fairy. She spoke endlessly, while cutting the tofu and vegetables and said that she was returning to work the following week, but she planned to stop at the 26 week mark, like Donnie had advised. The baby was expected in mid-August 2002 and Hazel was already planning for future birthdays in the backyard at that time of the end of summer, when the sunlight seemed more golden, the other colors of the sky brighter and the leaves richer, as if it was a last gift of nature before the fall.

She spoke of names, a subject of which they had already spoken abundantly in the past. They both loved the name Mikey for a boy, which she reminded him of, but they had never agreed on a girl's name. Hazel loved Lisa or Angela and Leo, thinking of his Japanese ancestry, preferred a Japanese one.

" _ **Your great-grandfather was Japanese,"**_ Hazel said. " _ **But you don't look Japanese. The only thing that hints at your ancestry are your slightly shaped almond eyes. Even your father decided to give you Italian names honoring your mother's heritage and if we go with your logic, we could also use American-Native names honoring my ancestry."**_

Leo didn't want to argue, not tonight. His mind wasn't on names, but of something else two miles away, where a lasagna had probably been thrown at the wall in frustration, hurt and rage. Raphael was sobbing, cursing and screaming, while Hazel was dissatisfied that he wanted his daughter to have a Japanese name.

Hazel, seeing his weary countenance, realized that she had to retreat. _**"I propose that when we have an idea, we write it in a notebook, and we will read it together on the day of the shower, at the beginning of the summer.**_ Leo nodded, but didn't really listen.

He didn't want to dwell on what Raph could do at the moment. He had sent the message almost an hour ago and was surprised by the silence. He had just dared to look at his cell phone five minutes ago and he was disturbed to see that Raph hadn't sent a reply saying, "No, ya _scumbag motherfucker"_ _or "Yer lyin'. Ya just wanna get rid of me." or even "It's not over. I'll fight."_

This silence was more terrifying than a barrage of insults. He imagined that it was his lover's blood splattering the wall instead of the bolognaise sauce and his insides twisted. Leo hadn't been able to pick up the gun that morning, because Raphael had hidden it and Leo hadn't dared to ask about it, worried about Raph's reaction to the question.

Staying at the table was real torture. He loved Hazel, because she was a good person and he would be a present, responsible and caring father, but the truth was he wished he was elsewhere. He was angry that he'd acted impulsively and sent the text. He'd been a coward. Raphael deserved better than being dumped by a text message. If the reverse had happened, his lover would have had the balls to tell him in face to face.

" _ **Leonardo, my love? Did you hear me? Do you think I have to buy maternity clothes right away?"**_

The question reminded him of the destruction of his wife's wardrobe. He nodded and said, " _ **Yes. The intruder took clothes. If you want, go shopping tomorrow. Buy four or five outfits in your current size and also maternity clothes."**_

If Hazel went shopping after work, she wouldn't be home until 8 p.m. at the earliest. Maybe he could see Raph and check that he was okay. He knew he'd receive a black eye by doing so, but it didn't matter. An angry and alive Raph was all that mattered and would reassure him more than seeing a dead Raph.

The thought made him dig his nails into his palms, trying not to scream and run out of the house. He had to make a choice. Two people needed him. He had made the choice, which was morally acceptable, but he was still devastated. Hazel continued to talk, but Leo wasn't listening, because he was still thinking about Raph.

* * *

Raph's day had begun badly. Yes, his lover had spent the night with him. A fierce night of sex and passion. But now that he was calm, Raph had to admit that Leo had almost trembled in his arms and that the blue-steel eyes that gazed at him this morning seemed like those of a hunted animal. Suddenly, he remembered all that had happened the previous day.

Raphael had pointed a gun at the policeman and then, through a vile blackmail, had threatened to kill himself in front of him. if he didn't do something, his lover would never return home after his work. He had done everything to relax the atmosphere, had been cheerful and affectionate, joking and kissing, despite his anxiety. Leonardo wasn't a man who accepted violence, threats and blackmail. Not to forget that his intransigence didn't allow him to forget about the cocaine episode. The deputy inspector was made of the same steel as his eyes. Yielding to such a level of violence wasn't in his inflexible nature.

Raphael knew that in spite of his efforts and having seen how tormented Leo was, that he would suffer a backlash for the gun scene. He couldn't blame his lover. What he'd done had been foolish, but he hadn't known what else to do to convince Leo to stay after he'd broken his promise about the drugs. He could have explained that to Leo this morning and said that desperate times called for desperate measures, but he was afraid of opening a wound. In his sometimes childish naiveté, he had thought pretending that it hadn't occurred would make it disappear, but when Leo had left for work, he'd had a bad feeling.

In case, he had asked Leo for money, mortified at begging again after his weekend follies, but if Leo was going to live with him, he wanted his boyfriend to eat well. He didn't want Leo to regret leaving Hazel and his fancy meals. Raphael wanted to prove to Leo that he had made a good choice.

First, he had thrown the last packet of coke into the toilet. Then, he had cleaned the apartment. On leaving, he realized the rent was due that day. He didn't have the full amount. He should be able to extend the deadline by four or five days, right? He had never been late with his rent. The owner could wait and understand that he didn't work anymore after September 11. It wasn't a lifestyle. Damn it! Ma said he was a hero and that people should have more consideration for him and that he would if he tried to have it. But Raph was too proud and loving his independence to beg. But he had to act more prudently now.

He was as economical with his shopping as possible, and bought a week's worth of groceries. When he was back home, he stressed about the unpaid rent and wondered if Casey had told Ma about his love life, money and drug issues. Pretending he wanted to ask a question about his sauce recipe, he called Ma.

Ma didn't seem surprised at his question about oregano and basil and was just very happy about his call. Raphael mentally thanked Heaven for having a discreet and loyal brother. He explained that his motorcycle needed repairing and that, still not working, he needed money. _**"Ya know, Ma, I don't wanna ask my boyfriend."**_

Ma seemed surprised, but not reluctant, even though the sum was significant. She understood and said, _**"Of course your Leo shouldn't believe that you are a bad partner and that you chose him for his money and not his gorgeous ass and pecs."**_ Raph rolled his eyes, but said nothing. Ma bugged him with her endless allusions to his lover's attractive physique, but if she was going to lend him $ 550, he could tolerate her cougar ways.

She invited herself over, having said that she had fresh basil at her house. _"Much better for a man of the Deputy Inspector's class."_ She said that she would bring him the money too. Raph, caught, allowed her. Ma had come, opened all the cabinets and noticed the new dinnerware. When she'd asked about the other one she'd been given as a newlywed, and which she'd divided between him and Casey, Raphael stammered nonsense. She questioned him again about it and he burst out, " _ **I was mad and broke everythin'. Leo bought me a new one."**_

Ma's eyes narrowed and she said, _**"Why? It's not you, baby. I know you have a temper, but even when the Mexican ..."**_

It was too much. Raphael lost it and yelled, " _ **Damn it! For the last fuckin' time he wasn't Mexican, but it's irrelevant, because Chame and Leo aren't the same.**_ _**And ya know what? Even if I didn't like Chame a hundredth of how much I like Leo, I regret what happened with Chame. I wish I'd gone with him ta Peru. If I had, I wouldn't have been involved in September eleven and I'd never have met Leo. He turned my world upside down. I love him so much and it hurts, Ma."**_

Saying that, he let himself slide down onto the ground, weeping. He told her everything from the beginning, apart from their intimate sexual moments. Once he started, he didn't stop, confessing his lies, his excesses and the conjugal situation of the man he loved. He admitted the drugs, the alcohol, asking Casey for a loan and the real reason why he wanted money. He confessed that he didn't even show up at his last medical appointment and that he'd gone to Leo's house and had ransacked his wife's possessions, because he was jealous. He confided with difficulty about the gun scene and the suicide threat, and Ma, horrified at what had become of her precious baby, also sobbed and hugged him tightly.

" _ **And I know Leo won't come back tonight. I'm too much trouble for him. A drug addict, an alcoholic, mentally unstable with no job and no money."**_ Ma opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, Raphael said with great resentment and grief in his voice, " _ **I saw his wife. She's a cute version of Martha Steward, with her beautiful, tidy house and her elegant handmade decorations and she's a wonderful cook. She loves him too and she's perfect. Unlike me. So why would he want a thug when he has someone like that? I could never compete**_."

Ma was annoyed at that and said crossly, " _ **That's rubbish, Raph. You aren't a thug. You're a fantastic guy. I forbid you from talking about yourself like that. You're just in a bad situation after what happened in September and if this woman was so perfect, your Leo would never have gone to you."**_ Ma had put bitterness in her "your Leo" and Raphael closed his eyes, tired.

" _ **Ma, please don't hate Leo. I'm the only one at fault and am a dumb asshole. Leo tried ta stop me from sinking and paid for my many stupidities."**_

Ma didn't give a fuck about Leo right now. Her baby wasn't well and needed help. She had never experienced a similar situation. Raph had always been more emotional than her biological son and she had recognized herself in him. Raph's previous ruptures hadn't made waves. He'd been saddened about the Mexican thug, but he would never have threatened to kill himself if Chame had wanted to dump him. He wouldn't have this kind of nervous breakdown. Ma was positive about that. She also thought that Leo wasn't the biggest offender. It was fucking 9/11 that had caused all the problems.

Leonardo must be having a midlife crisis that was accentuated by the same event. These two heroes had suffered trauma together and wanted to heal them together. But Leo, even involuntarily, was harming Raph, and Raph involuntarily, was causing trouble for Leo. But she couldn't try to explain it. Raph wasn't ready to hear it. He needed calm, love and support. Someone who listened to him, without explaining, labeling or judging. Trauma or not, her baby really loved the man. She wasn't sure if it was love for Leo, but she knew he cared. She had seen the passion in the captain's blue eyes a few weeks ago. And Leo was trying to prevent her son from taking drugs. According to Raphael, he had paid his bar tab, bought him dinnerware and paid for his groceries. Leo had yielded to Raphael's threat of killing himself. He wasn't a bad man and was just confused and troubled like her son, but in a different way.

She decided not to tackle the Leonardo problem immediately. Money was a simpler problem, but a huge one for Raphael. Paying the rent directly would stop Raph from using it for other things, like buying prohibited "comforts". After Raph had calmed down, she would get the revolver and take it to the police station. Two problems would now have been solved, since Raphael had already gotten rid of the cocaine. _**"I don't have enough money on me, Raph. I'm going to the ATM. I'll pay this month and the next, until you get back to work. Less stress for you. Here's your $ 550. You can give it to Leo to pay back a part of his wife's clothes. That will give him a better impression of you."**_

Raph wept with emotion and gratitude and thanked her. He noticed that it was already close to 4 p.m. He sighed and said sadly, _**"Anyway, I'll never see Leo again. It's useless ta cook the lasagna."**_

 _ **"Raph, nonsense. You still need to eat. We'll cook together once I'm home. I'm just getting the money from the ATM."**_

Raph didn't feel enthusiastic, but he nodded, because he didn't want to disappoint Ma.

Ma had just take the lasagna out from the oven when Raph received the message. He didn't even want to look at it: " _ **Ma, if he text me instead of coming here, it's clear that he's done."**_

Ma took the cell phone from him and, despite her fear of Raph's reaction, she said, " _ **Leo said that his wife's pregnant, and that as expected, you guys must break up."**_

As Raph's heart shattered into a million pieces, he snorted and said, bitterly, "J _ **ust damn fuckin' lies and excuses. I'm just too much trouble for him."**_

" _ **Maybe not. April could tell us. You said this woman is her boss."**_ She said, quietly, putting aside Leo's offer for the rehab. Raph wasn't ready for that.

Raphael shrugged, too heartbroken to pretend indifference any longer. Whether Leo's wife or not was pregnant didn't change a damn thing. Leo had dumped him. _ **"What am I gonna do, Ma?"**_ he said miserably. " _ **I love him."**_

" _ **For now,"**_ Ma said determinedly. " _ **We'll deal with our emotions, Raph. We'll eat half of our dinner and then half a tub of ice cream. I'll stay here until you're better or when we have a plan that will make you feel better."**_

Raph sighed. He would have liked to be able to cry alone, but he admitted that when he did cry alone, it always ended up in stupid bullshit. Ma was an experienced and comprehensive woman and he was grateful to have her near him tonight and to have the unconditional and infinite love that only a mother could give. Hearing I love you, which had no ulterior motive or restriction. _ **"I love ya, Ma."**_

Ma wiped her eyes and said, " **Me too. Now stop crying, sit down and eat the lasagna, my son. Leonardo doesn't know what he's missing."**

 **I want to thanks KeryAnne for the beta. You're so kind**

 **SophieStones123: Im happy to have some feedback!** **In French, there a saying:**

" _A habile femme, jamais héritier ne manque" I can translate as: Clever woman always give heirs to her husband ;)_


	24. The figth

It had been three weeks. Three weeks of Leo not seeing or hearing from his lover. The day after he'd heard of their rupture at Raph's, his father had come from Massachusetts and the whole family had gone to a restaurant to celebrate about the baby, but Leo's heart wasn't in it. It had been more than 24 hours since the breakup and Raphael had to be feeling it. He had wanted to go to the Silver Rice, a great place for sushi, but where the service was fast, because he was eager to get away.

He couldn't, because his father had decided to stay for a few days. The next day, work had forced him to stay late, but he still wanted to go to Raph, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He needed to see that Raphael was okay.

Betty wasn't in the parking lot, but he got out of the car anyway and went to the front door. He was so stunned at what he saw that for a moment, his heart stopped. The sign said that the apartment was available to rent.

Leo's heart pounded. If there'd been a suicide here, the police would have come, right? And the apartment wouldn't be for rent 48 hours later. There would be traces and he would know. Unnerved, he called the number on the sign to get information. He told the owner that he was a policeman, but the owner had no information.

Shocked, he hung up. Impulsively, and worried out of his mind, he dialed Raphael's number, getting voicemail telling him that there is no longer a subscriber to the number. In desperation frustration and uttering a cry of helpless, Leo hit the wall with his fists.

He would never see Raphael again or gaze into his sparkling amber eyes, see his ripped muscles or taste his spicy lips. And it hit him hard. He'd made the wrong decision. Pregnant or not, it was too late. He could never be content with living with Hazel now. Raphael was insane and dangerous, but he preferred this risk, the unexpected, and his devastating passion, than the same mundane, boring routine and pretending to be happy. But it was too late, because he'd lost Raph. He certainly couldn't blame the fireman. By his indecision, his lies and betrayal, Leo deserved every single thing that happened to him.

So, he went home, his heart broken, knowing he had to accept things. He would never see Raph again and nothing would change that. That chapter of his life was closed. He hadn't tried to find him and wasn't going to make a fool of himself at Dusty's. If Raphael had moved, it was clear that he was done with him. On the other hand, Leo had continued frequenting the gym where his ex-lover also was a member. He hadn't dared ask about him, but went three times a week, taking his time before he entered the Dojo, hoping he'd see him.

There was even a moment when Leo thought that Raph had perhaps abandoned the gym to avoid meeting him, but on Tuesday, December 19 after his karate course, he heard people talking about a poster pinned to the wall of the locker room. It was about the Mixed Martial Art Championship and entry to it. The tournament was a friendly one, where basically all the athletes from all of the combat sports and who practiced at the gym, could participate. Leo knew that in normal circumstances, he could have signed up. He was better than good and victory was likely, but he was depressed, so he wasn't interested. But then, hearing someone mention Raphael, his heart jumped. _**"I don't know if Raphael is going to sign up. If he wins again this year, it will be the fourth time in a row,"**_ said a young Latino.

The other replied, _**"I spoke to him yesterday during Muay Thai and he said that as soon as the register sheet is up, he'll enter."**_

" _ **I didn't know he was doing Muay Thai. Since when?"**_

" _ **He's only been doing it for two weeks, but he's already formidable."**_

Leo sighed internally in relief. Raphael was alive and well and had just changed his class to avoid Leo. Muay Thai classes were the days when there was no karate and if Leo came to the Muay Thai class the following day, Raph would know he was only there to see him. Raphael might feel annoyed, since he obviously didn't want to see Leo, but if Leo signed up for the tournament, he would have a good excuse to see Raph.

Nervous, he registered, while the other men looked at him in astonishment. Leo easily guessed what they were thinking. Other than his karate class, which he'd joined only a few weeks earlier, no one knew who he was. He was probably known as "the guy with a prosthesis" and no doubt, the two young men, who were more muscular and younger and had two arms intact, would think that Leo wasn't cut out for the tournament and would be better off in a retirement home playing chess. He didn't care about their opinions. He wanted to see Raph and give him a good show. He didn't know what he was trying to accomplish, but he wanted his ex boyfriend to see him in all his glory. Raphael had never seen him fight, except in the angry foreplay in their bedroom.

Excited, Leo didn't sleep a wink that night, trying to learn about Muay Thai, while Hazel repeatedly called him to join her in bed. Anyway, why would he want to join her? He hadn't had sex with her since the Friday before she left for Washington, most probably the conception day. As he'd predicted now that Hazel was fertilized, she no longer desired him. Other than Raph, no one wanted or loved him. Hazel was still sweet, but didn't see him as a lover anymore. He didn't want this passionless life, but he couldn't blame anyone. He'd chosen this path and Raphael also didn't want him.

On Wednesday, at the station, he spoke with a lieutenant, who followed Muay Thai and Leo invited him home with his pregnant wife, to practice. Leonardo had a fully equipped Dojo in his basement. He had never had the opportunity to show it to his boyfriend. Hazel, happy to be a hostess, was delighted to discuss layette with the lieutenant's wife, while the men practiced in the basement. After three hours, Leo, a quick learner, told himself that he should now be on the same level as Raph, who was also new to the sport, having never done anything but kickboxing. But he should not underestimate his ex-lover. Raphael had never even boasted of winning the championships. Maybe the men were talking about another Raph, but the name wasn't so common and his gut told him that it was _his_ Raph.

On Thursday, Leo was extremely nervous and anxious. The week had already been horribly busy. The next day was the charity event organized by Hazel. She was very excited and had asked him to prepare a speech. Leo, despite his lack of enthusiasm, had no choice. The Conservative Director's husband, a deputy inspector and having had his arm amputated on 9/11, he was in the best position to do so. Hazel couldn't understand the real reasons for his reluctance to do so. That day had already been awful. He'd failed to save so many lives, because he'd been unable to avoid the piece of concrete that had immobilized him by crushing his arm. Then, later that day he'd met the love of his life, which he'd now lost. And April, accompanied by Casey, would probably be there. He dreads the confrontation, not because he was scared of the man, but because of the unpleasant memories it brought his mere presence.

Saturday was the Christmas party for all the precinct chiefs. He was going to see Karai again and he feared what she could do. Karai, with a word, could ruin his reputation. She was highly regarded in the NYPD by her skill and her inflexible personality. She was called the Iron Lady and with good reason. Leo shuddered, as he thought about Raph's eyes that gazed back at him. Raph's eyes stared back at him with the same fixed gaze, but they only undressed him. Karai's eyes pierced his soul. Then it would be Christmas. A Christmas so empty. He should be smiling, but he couldn't when his heart was broken.

But what tormented him most was when he'd meet Raphael that evening at the gym. The tournament started at 7 p.m. It was the only information he had gleaned, other than there were twelve participants. Leo didn't know how the choice of opponents worked, but he knew that no one, neither in the Karate class nor in ju-jitsu's was a 5 Dan like himself. His cardiac endurance was also excellent. He should have the opportunity to go more than one round in the ring. Maybe he'd shine enough to impress Raphael. He had to admit that even if he couldn't live with his ex-boyfriend, he wanted to reconquer him. He knew it was egotistical. Raphael's burning passion was non-existent in his dull life and he missed it so much.

He waited impatiently for the hours to tick by and arrived in the locker room at 6:30. Hazel hadn't asked any questions. She knew he was training, had seen him in competitions and at his exams for his 4 Dan in 1993 and 5 Dan in 1999. She hadn't insisted at all on accompanying him, but even if she'd wanted to, she wouldn't be allowed, because only gym members could attend.

Leo'd just taken off his coat when he recognized Raphael's voice. His heart stopped beating and he turned to see his ex-lover arrive. He stared, shocked. Raphael had a goatee beard. It changed his face, made him look more mature and Leo wouldn't have thought it possible, even sexier. His thin braids had grown too, he seemed more muscular too and Leo knew he must look like an imbecile staring at him. His ex-boyfriend, on the other hand, only gazed at him indifferently. That froze Leo to the core.

However, Raphael didn't go to the other side of the locker room to undress, like his unknow friend did, but stay almost next to his ex-lover. Ignoring Leo, he stripped, while Leo continued to gaze at him. Then, he said, " _ **Stop stalkin' me. Yer creepy as hell."**_

Leo only found the strength to murmur, _**"You didn't answer me, so I went to your house. I saw your apartment was up for rent and thought you'd died."**_

Raph shrugged and said, _ **"What did ya want me ta say ta ya? My congratulations? And even if I were dead, what would it have been ta ya?"**_

" _ **How can you say that?"**_ Leo exclaimed, offended. " _ **You know I love you**_."

 _ **"Yeah, rigtht,"**_ Raphael said sardonically and snorted. " _ **How could I forget it?"**_

Raphael abruptly turned his back and removed his pants and boxers, leaving Leo speechless. Leo suddenly noticed a long scratch on Raphael's lower back and jealously suddenly flared up and he growled, " _ **Who the hell scratched you? You're sleeping with someone else already?"**_

Raphael turned around, a bored expression on his face and said, " _ **It's not yer business, Chief. Not anymore."**_

" _ **You're mine, "**_ Leo hissed, too jealous to think about how ridiculous he was acting.

 _ **"Well, Fearless, I think yer arm ain't all that's damaged. Yer memory's defective too,"**_ Raphael said. He chuckled and tapped his brow. He was now completely nude. Leo didn't know what to say, while he thought, " _Raphael doesn't love you anymore"._ The silence gave Raph time to put on scarlet shorts and then say, _**"Don't worry, Leo. I'll be careful not ta smash yer pretty boy face."**_

Leo's brain kicked in. _ **"What do you mean?"**_ he asked, uncertain.

 _ **"Ya didn't look at the roster? I'm yer opponent."**_

Leo's blue eyes flew wide and he said, " _ **I don't want to fight you!"**_

 _ **"Why are ya afraid? Ya've knocked me a few times, haven't ya?"**_

Leo shook his head. _**"No. It was just sex. "**_

" _ **Exactly. Me and ya it was just sex. Ya only knew me as yer bitch and I'm not that easy in a ring. Hurry up. We're first. I have someone waitin' for me at home ta scratch me even more."**_ Hearing these words, Leo's face darkened and he wanted to hit his ex-boyfriend. Raphael laughed and said, _**"Keep yer fightin' spirit for the match.**_ _**Ya'll need it! "**_

The policeman, enraged, put on his royal blue shorts. Raphael was going to regret his infidelity. A part of his brain said that he was being irrational in wanting to reproach Raphael for having a new lover, but his possessiveness ignored the voice. He'd thought that Raphael was desperate and miserable and had never thought that he'd already be bedding someone else.

Leo had never wanted to fight in competition just to win, but that was different now. In addition to needing and desiring to win, he wanted to punish and humiliate Raphael and make him suffer as much as he was suffering. He left the locker room and while he was putting on his protective gear, he regretted it. He wanted to fight without the helmet or gloves. He wanted to destroy and ravage and he wanted to feel the blows. He wanted a real fight as a real man. He was blood thirsty for Raphael's blood.

Seeing Raphael smirking on the other side of the ring, Leo tried to calm down. Anger could be deadly in a match, because it could blind him and he could lose control. He needed to stay focused. Raphael seemed relaxed and confident. He was going to wipe the smile off of his face, but he had to fight intelligently. He closed his eyes and when he opened them, he had regained his composure.

Leo, then, would have struggled to describe the fight. He was giving blow for blow, avoiding them much better than Raphael did. The black boxer had strength, endurance and good instinct. On the other hand, his punching and kicking sequences didn't vary. He wasn't comfortable enough with Thai boxing movements, because he rarely used them. His ex also didn't have the experience of international competitions, like he did. Raphael had never stopped to look at his innumerable trophies, medals and rewards when he'd broken into his home.

In a street fight, Raph would have been the winner, but not against an experienced man, like Leo. In his 20 months of jiu-jitsu`in the 90's, he had learned to turn the opponent's strength against him. Raphael found on the mat, stomach down, Leo applying a painful wrench to him, able to dislodge his shoulder at any moment, while lying on his ex-lover, his mouth close to his ear _ **. "I said you were mine! Say it,"**_ Leo hissed threateningly, applying more pressure on Raphael's arm.

Raphael laughed softly and said sneeringly, _**"Yer still the same kinky and dominant bastard. I feel yer big cock against me, swelling and hardenin', but somethin' has changed: I'm not yer obedient sex doll anymore. Ya think ya won. No. I let ya win. I convinced the boss of the gym ta let ya participate. No one wanted ta fight a handicapped person. I volunteered ta silence them. Only for that reason. I don't love ya, but I wanted them ta see that even though ya have a prosthesis, ya are a capable man. Ya lost an arm ta save lives when those dumbasses were watchin' the damn news. They will now respect ya and see ya as Fearless. They will, but I won't."**_ Then he yelled to the referee, " _ **I give up."**_

Leo had almost let him go since the _"I don't love ya anymore",_ so Raph pulled away and got up, leaving the other man more shattered and distraught than if he had lost the match.


	25. The charity evening

If someone had asked Raphael Jones to draw a Prince Charming when he was a child, he would have drawn exactly what he had before him. Elegant and mysterious and with an impenetrable blue-steel gaze, Leo stood in the midst of a crowd, without glancing at anyone. Leonardo looked so beautiful in his impeccable tuxedo and seemed to be waiting his Cinderella. Raphael bit his lip, his heart still aching. Volunteering at April's fundraising party may not have been a good idea. Not the day after the match when Raph seemed to still feel the warmth of his opponent's body against his own. He always seemed to hear Leo's possessive voice in his ears. He shuddered at the memory. Feeling Leo's erection against his thigh and hearing his words demanding his surrender, had caused Raphael to lose his cool rather quickly. So, he'd left the ring as fast as possible before Leo, who was so clever, discovered that his indifference was only a facade.

Raph had worked too hard to reassemble the pieces of his being to allow the son of a bitch to put him back under his control.

Ma had also worked very hard. Seeing her baby so desperate and probably afraid that he'd take the gun as soon as her back was turned, she'd decided that Raph would live with her. He'd tried to object, but he didn't have the strength to resist for long. She'd called Casey and negotiated with the the owner, giving him the two months' rent, so that he agreed to the lease-break. Casey, April and two other friends had only taken an afternoon to pack Raph's belongings and store them in Ma's basement. During this time, Ma had spent the afternoon, Raph's head on her lap, stroking his black braided hair. After singing soothingly while he sobbed, she told him that in a crisis she changed hair styles or her color and that maybe Raph could do the same thing and call Xever. Raph wasn't the mood to try anything and she hadn't insisted.

After four days of not shaving, he decided on his new style. April and Ma, enthusiastic, had told him that it was so good that he had kept it. He didn't see the point of being good-looking if Leo couldn't see him, because he didn't care what others thoughts and had no intention of looking for another boyfriend. It wasn't out of loyalty to the motherfucker, but because, he had no love to give to someone outside of Ma, Casey and April right now. He wasn't ready.

Then, one evening, April had returned with a box, which contained an adorable Siamese kitten. Ma was ecstatic, worshiping the animal, just like Raph himself and the plaintive meowings of the little beast told him that it wanted to get out of the box. The almond-blue eyes that stared at him reminded him of his beloved and cruel lover. The kitten wasn't responsible for having the same mysterious look as an asshole, so Raphael took it in his arms. April explained that it was a female, while the kitten climbed on his shoulder, like a fucking parrot on a pirate, wanting to explore and having nothing to do to remain on Raphael's lap and scratching him Raphael burst out laughing, which warmed everyone's hearts. _**"I love her. Thank ya, April,"**_ Raph said, as the kitten nibbled on his fingers playfully.

 _ **"What are you going to call her?"**_ Ma asked and Raph thought for a moment. He didn't want anything that was Asian or blue. Finally, trying to stare at the animal, who was trying to bite his nose, he decided on Cherry.

Cherry had another point in common with Leo. In addition to his gorgeous eyes, her predilection to claw him and to leave bloody marks, she prevented him from sleeping, wanting to play all the time. Cherry was possessive as hell too, touching everything of Raphael's, so her smell was on it and she demanded his constant attention.

A few days after Cherry's arrival, Ma stopped watching over Raphael so much, giving him a bit more space. She suggested that he go to a therapist and he agreed. The therapist had been good for Raph, but after three appointments, he thought himself well enough to only go once a month. He went to see Angel at the fire station, telling her everything and he saw a doctor again. He was advised to restart quietly to have responsibilities and a stable schedule and the doctor suggested volunteering. Raphael knew he looked like a criminal or at best a bad boy, so there were few places he could volunteer. April, then, uncertain, suggested the museum. The director of curators, meaning Hazel Hamato, would certainly accept him as a volunteer. Her evening of fundraising approached. 600 guests were expected and on other days there weren't too many visitors to the museum. Casey was opposed. Putting Raphael and the bastard wife, who'd caused his brother to lose his mind in the same building wasn't a good idea, he said. Ma had remained silent, waiting for Raph's decision.

Raphael had argued that the confrontation would help him to better accept his breakup and the next day, accompanied by his sister-in-law, he had introduced himself as a firefighter of 9/11. He'd finally been able to see his rival up close. She wasn't as pretty close up. He could see that she looked exhausted, had lines under her eyes, and looked older than he'd thought. Perhaps it was only due to pregnancy, he said to himself. April had admitted that the director had confirmed her pregnancy, which had aroused great joy at the museum. Hazel's efforts to become pregnant were well known.

Raph's job was to direct the museum visitors, who were lost. Hazel explained that because she was pregnant, she was too tired to visit the museum, but that April would. Raphael had gnashed his teeth, imagining his lover's seed planted in the belly before him. The worst thing was that the conception had taken place on the same day that Leo had extracted cries of pleasure from him. He thought with rage that if he'd had the misfortune to be a woman, he might be pregnant at the same time as Hazel and have a little bastard with the same birthday as the legitimate child. Leo was such an asshole. Poor woman. He almost felt pity for her.

She also gave him a sheet of paper on his desk, to fill up his coordinates and another detailing his plans of the evening of December was. Raphael took the piece of paper and his heart skipped a beat when he saw his ex-lover's name. " _6: 30 p.m. Speech by Leonardo Hamato, deputy inspector of 70th precinct."_

He couldn't back down. Hazel explained that she needed all her volunteers that night to prepare the Beaux- Arts Room on the third floor, laying the tables and setting out the chairs for the guests. The dinner consisted of five courses and the first course was after Leo's speech at 7 p.m. After dessert and coffee, there was a ball and Hazel needed volunteers until 2 a.m. Raphael had nodded, his heart pounding, inwardly thinking that he was going to see his lover after two weeks of cold turkey. He wondered what it would do to him.

For the last two weeks, he'd been trying not think about Leo, not even masturbating, so Leo's image wouldn't come to his mind. Anyway, he could only masturbate in the showers, because if he tried in bed, Cherry wanted to attack him.

After his day at the museum, he'd asked his mother to lend him her car to go to the gym, but he'd made a detour and had parked his car diagonally across from Leo's house. By chance, his former boyfriend was outside, setting up the Christmas lights and Raphael was overcome with emotion. He couldn't see his face, but even from afar, he was affected by his silhouette. He wondered what his future with Leo could have been, imagining helping his boyfriend decorate for the holidays. It wasn't a good state of mind, but he couldn't help it. Whether he liked it or not, he was still madly in love with the jerk. It was then that Hazel exited the house, breaking the spell. She said something to her husband, who climbed down the ladder. She kissed him and Raph screamed inwardly. Then she took Leo by the hand, making him go inside and two minutes later, Raphael saw Leo close his bedroom's curtains. Raphael knew what it meant and, blinded with rage and jealousy, he'd left so far, causing the tires to screech, to the gym to let off his steam.

A few days later, he'd heard people discussing Leo at the gym. The gym boss said that nine people were enrolled at the moment, but the amputee couldn't participate. The black man had seen red and, furiously, he'd argued that Leo could kick everyone's ass at the gym without breaking into a sweat. He'd angrily claimed that the policeman had lost an arm by being brave and saving more lives than anyone at the gym. He added that despite Leo's misfortune, he still worked and trained harder than anyone else. Raph was so impressive in his wild vehemence that the boss had therefore proposed that they face one another in a match. Raphael was silent. The idea of beating Leo, even without really hurting him didn't please him. But he thought jealously of the closed curtains and he agreed.

It had been a bad idea.

He had said nothing more to his family than it was on the night of the gym tournament, as at all the months of December since the last years. Nervous, he'd engaged in conversation with the first participant on his way to the locker room to help him keep his composure when he saw Leo. For a long time during the solitary nights, he'd imagined them meeting again, but he would never have believed that Leo would have the audacity to be jealous of a scratch on his back. It was Cherry's fault, but Raph was so happy about getting revenge, he let his ex believe that he did have a new passionate lover. Leo's face was dark in rage, his blue eyes flashing jealousy and Raphael would have almost purred in satisfaction, like his kitten, who was the only body curled up against his at night, while Leo had his wife.

In the ring, he'd tried not to be distracted by his opponent's perfectly sculpted torso. He had noticed blue steel eyes lingering on his tattoo, burning with satisfaction to see it intact. Casey had wanted him to erase the part about love. Raph, reluctant, had accepted, but the tattooist had explained that it was difficult on black skin and it was better if Raph covered it with another tattoo. Raph had pretended that he needed time to think about a new tatt. Leonardo, likewise, hadn't touched his. Leonardo in the locker room, had also said he loved him, but Raphael didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to be hurt all over again and trust the cheater.

He had endeavored to fight convincingly, but without excessive brutality. Leo was an astonishing opponent. Raph, satisfied, told himself that after such a performance, his ex-lover would no longer be treated like a handicapped person. Then, his eyes had followed a trail of sweat on the sexy body in front of him and he found himself pinned on the mat.

The warmth of Leo's body, pressed against his, made the pain of his shoulder almost delightful. _"Say it. You are mine"_ and Raphael had almost moaned in submission. How he could be so ignited by the dominant and bold attitude of his ex, he couldn't understand. Leo had a unique way of getting what he wanted from him without even trying. He was still Leo's loyal puppy and he hated it.

He had tried to repel Leo, telling him the truth, but in a nasty way. He had given up and had almost run to the locker room from the dangerous situation he was in. He hadn't even turned around, showered or dressed. All he'd done was grab his coat, and leave in Ma's car for home. He could use his defeat like an alibi to lock himself in his room, thinking over and over about Leo and what he looked like. No longer able to maintain his self-control, he put Cherry out of his room and enjoyed an overdue manual relief, feeling with each wrist movement, his aching shoulder and he visualized what might have happened if they hadn't been in public. Leonardo would no doubt have wanted to claim his rights over him, fucking him mercilessly on the ring mat. Just when he imagined Leo biting his collarbone, as payback for the scratch, he came violently.

Panting heavily, he realized he was in deep, because he was still so in love and he had to face his obsession tomorrow night again, accompanied by his pregnant wife.

And there he was, hidden behind a door. He wanted to listen to Leo's speech and, having finished preparing the reception room, he was free to go home and return only after midnight, but wanting to listen to what Leo had to say about that day, he stayed. For the moment, his ex-lover seemed lost in his mind, far away from the crowd, holding a glass in his fake hand, but without having brought it to his lips yet. Leo was so gorgeous, so breathtaking that Raph bit his hand hard, so that he didn't sob like a teenage girl at a Backstreet Boy concert or run to him.

It was finally time for the speech and Hazel introduced her husband. Leo climbed onto the small stage, which Raph himself had installed earlier and began. He recounted the day with precision and Raphael remained breathless, as he heard the so vivid evocations He and Leo had never talked so much about it, only their nightmares and not at all since November. Leo's narrative was so touching that several women wept. Raph himself was crying until he saw Leo's brother in the room. Raph stiffened. The doctor could not see him.

Leo was at the conclusion, doubtless trembling like Raph was. The voice until then had been firm. Now it cracked with emotion. _**"That day, I learned how much is taken for granted. I lost an arm, but I realized that I could have died without having experienced what I wanted. So, even if it's advice you've already heard, do whatever you want. If your job doesn't make you happy, resign. If your partner doesn't make you happy, divorce. If you love someone in secret, tell him. Life is too short for regrets. If you have the right lover, cherish him and tell him that you love him every day! I lost my arm, but that's not what I regret most."**_

Raph's heart was pounding, while in a thunderous applause, Leo, indifferent to the crowd, climbed down from the platform. Leo was unaware of Raphael's presence and perhaps the latter was mistaken, his weak will wanting to give meaning to Leo's words, which in reality they didn't have, but he had the impression that Leo, in front of his wife, his brother and the crowd, had claimed to regret his lover more than anything.

Refusing to hope, Raphael watched Leo's movements. Leo didn't stay with his wife, at least not very close, never touching her and when she went away didn't look for her either. He knew that if he'd accompanied Leo, Leo would have tracked him down, being too possessive.

And suddenly he was shocked. The rat in the lab coat, was standing next to Leo's wife and Raph drew back quickly, so they wouldn't see him, but Raphael had had time to see something. He had often wondered how Leonardo and his brother could be so different. They were the same height, but didn't the look physically or act the same. All they had in common was their cleverness and being work alcoholics. But Raphael saw that Donnie looked at Hazel the same way that Leo looked at Raphael.

He'd seen too much worship in his almond eyes to be mistaken. He looked again and was stunned, as Donnie touched the wife's belly and the gesture seemed too intimate to Raphael to be trivial. Could it be that ...? Raph was certain that Leo had never fertilized his wife for years. The miraculous pregnancy came when Leo wanted to divorce. In the weeks before, while Leo had often been with his lover, he hadn't been with his wife. Donatello seemed adamant that he wanted Leo to remain with Hazel, although he was obviously in love with the woman. Perhaps, he'd slept with her, pretending to be helping his brother and assuring Hazel that being the little one's uncles, a resemblance between them wouldn't be strange. Leo, the great cheater, had been deceived and played.

And if Raph could prove it to Leo, his lover would come back.

Unnerved, he thought about how he could convince his former boyfriend, so certain of his wife's fidelity. Then he thought about her cell phone. Perhaps he could find evidence on it. Knowing that if he got caught, it could put him in a very bad situation, he went into the staff room. Hazel's beige coat was there and Raph had talked enough with the museum's security guard during his breaks to find out that there was no camera. In the coat's pocket, he found the Nokia phone. He quickly left, went outside, without looking at the falling snow and got into his car to read the messages.

It took him nearly 30 minutes to read all of Hazel's messages, along with her husband and brother-in-law. He now knew the date of the conception of Hazel's baby. It was the day of her return from Washington and when Leo hadn't wanted her. He'd returned to Raph's and found him at Dusty's. Hazel had written to Donatello and he'd gone to console her. The next day, the doctor had written, _"I am sure that we succeeded yesterday. When Leo knows of your pregnancy, he will become himself again. You can go with me to my father. I will not touch you. Yesterday was only to help you. You're a wonderful wife for my brother and I want you to stay together no matter what the price. "_

Hazel had replied, _"He must never know. I don't know what his reaction would be. I feel like I don't know him anymore_." The doctor replied that he had a prescription for a traumatized Leo, so he will be ok. And dozens of text messages, all compromising, followed. Donnie confirmed being the father after having a blood test done, but he'd assured her he was content to just be a loving uncle. Raph doubted it, because the doctor, so sarcastic, was far too gentle and sweet with his lover's wife.

Excited, wondering what his lover was going to do now, maybe kicking out his wife to get him in, he went out with the cell phone to confront Leonardo. He looked for his lover, not seeing him in the room, unable to enter because he hadn't paid the $ 250 admittance fee. The policeman, who seemed bored, must have left. Raph was wondering if he should join Leo at home, since Hazel would probably stay here, when Donatello, dressed in a tuxedo, came out of the room with his phone in his hand. Raph didn't have time to turn around, as the cell phone in his pocket, rang. The doctor quickly raised his head and looked so shocked that if Raph hadn't known he needed to run, as if his life depended on it, he would have laughed.

That's what Raph did. He ran, as fast as he could.


	26. Behind them

Raph had run like a lunatic followed by the Devil, not listening to the desperate cries behind him. Normally, he would have delighted seeing the doctor so pathetic, but he didn't have time to waste. For an intellectual, Donatello was running damn fast. If he was caught, Raphael should fight, so that he'd keep the cell phone. He wasn't afraid of confronting a 180-pound man, who only lifted textbooks, but Leo would be furious if his brother had his nose or his arm, or his leg or all of the above, broken by Raphael. It didn't matter whether Donnie was a hypocrite or not. Raph doesn't want to appear as brute as a caveman to Leo, by punching his nerd of a brother.

He jumped into Ma's car and sped off, leaving Donatello in the dust. The doctor had followed him, but dressed in a tuxedo and not having his keys, he had to return to the museum and fetch them from the cloak room.

The Nokia never stopped ringing and Raph ignored it. The motherfucker was even smarter than his elder brother and hated him with an incredible passion. Don was determined as hell to separate Leo from Raph from Day 1 at the hospital. A man so determined and intelligent was far too dangerous for Raph to make the slightest error. Raph didn't know what shit the doctor was capable of and he didn't want to take the chance of being tracked by the network or whatever technological shit Donatello could do with his brain as huge as Texas.

The rat, if he had the smallest opportunity to do so, would ruin his chance of having a future with Leo. No matter the price, as the doctor had said himself.

Back home and paranoid, anxious he was being followed, even though it was impossible, he woke Ma up and frantically asked for the revolver. The woman, the face smeared with cheap beauty cream and the hair in rolls, refused to give it to him, telling him that she had taken it to the police station.

Raph shook his head and said, _ **"I don't believe ya. Anyway, my baseball bat will do the trick if the son of a bitch tries ta get in here."**_

Ma, upset, didn't understand what had happened to her baby, who'd seemed to be better, and now he wanted to smash skulls. She bombarded him with questions.

Raph handed her the phone and said, " _ **Here's the proof that Leo's wife is unfaithful and that he isn't the baby's father. This means that Leo doesn't have ta stay with her. He can get a divorce and come back ta me."**_ Ma silently stared at the phone. Raphael hadn't said his name in a couple of weeks and she'd thought that he was getting over him. She'd wanted to believe that and that if he acted well, everything was fine.

She should have known that Raph was too much in love to forget the policeman so quickly and that only this man could upset her baby to the point that he needed a gun.

She picked up the phone and then it rang again. _**"Don't answer, Ma,"**_ Raphael warned. " _ **It's the doctor, Leo's brother, and the father of the bastard that Leo's wife's carryin'. The asshole does everythin' ta mess-up my relationship with Leo. He wants ta stop me from tellin' Leo the truth 'bout his wife."**_

" _ **How did you get this phone?**_ "

Raph blushed and said, _ **"I took it from the coat pockets of the whore."**_ Ma, hearing this, was furious and did something she hadn't done in nearly 18 years. She stood on tiptoe and slapped Raphael across his face.

" _ **How can you speak like this about a woman and steal from her pockets after she allowed you to volunteer so that you can work again?"**_ she asked angrily. " _ **Not to mention that April, your sister-in-law, may have trouble and lose her job too. And you can't call the poor woman a whore when her man has deceived her so many times with you, you knew about it and encouraged him to do it. You're a home wrecker, Raphael, and I'm really ashamed of you."**_

Raph winced. Then, despite his anger, he bowed his head. Ma was right. April could be in trouble and she didn't deserve it. She was so sweet and the best girlfriend in the world for Casey. But Raphael had to take the risk. Did Ma not see that he was slowly dying inside? Was April's job more important than Raph's life?

His angry thoughts were interrupted when he heard Ma reply casually, _**"Hello**_ ". Ma, in her craziness, had answered the phone, the fireman realized, panicked. _**"Yes. I am Raphael's mother."**_ While the doctor was talking, Ma was scrolling through text messages. _**"Why do you want to meet my son? He doesn't want anything to do with you or your Don Juan of a brother."**_

Raph moved towards her, but Ma flashed her teeth. Raphael thought he understood: Ma was trying to soothe doctor about his mistrust, but it wouldn't work. She was a practical woman and knew how to make red wine spots disappear on a white tablecloth, but she couldn't understand the doctor's diabolical schemes. Donnie must have known that if Raphael had searched the pockets of Leo's wife, it was because he'd had suspicious arising from observation. Why spy if he didn't care about Leo? Don knew that theft wasn't his goal, because the Nokia model was the most basic and not even worth $ 50 on the black market. The doctor knew that Raph had taken the cellphone to show it to Leo. And if he'd given himself so much trouble, it was evident that it was because Raph hoped to take Hazel's place.

Ma demanded to know everything and suddenly Raph's brain kicked in. Was he going to stay hidden in his mother's skirts, like he'd done when he was 7 and had broken the neighbor's window while playing baseball? No. He wasn't a child any longer and could defend himself.

He snatched the phone from Ma's hand and snapped, " _ **What do ya want, rat**_?"

" _ **Raphael, I need to talk to you,**_ "Don said in a broken voice.

Raph snorted and said, _**"Why? Ya afraid I'll interrupt yer sex story before it becomes a love story?"**_

The doctor paused. He evidently remembered using the same words to emotionally destroy Raphael a few weeks earlier.

" _ **I know I was an asshole, but I had reason to be. There are things about my brother that you don't even know, Raphael."**_

" _ **I don't wanna listen ta yer damn lies,"**_ Raphael said irately. " _ **Nothin' ya will say will stop me from lovin' him."**_

" _ **Love him. I don't want to stop you if you think you really do,"**_ Don said and sighed. " _ **Perhaps you discovering everything is for the best. Leo is unhappy and it is entirely the opposite of what I was trying to do. Hazel also isn't happy. Leo doesn't love her anymore and admitted that he was really only in love with her for a day. He married her because he thought that was what he had to do, but she wasn't the right one for him. Maybe you are. Leo obviously thinks so."**_

Raph said nothing, trying not to hope in vain. It was too easy. The doctor probably had an ace up his sleeve, but when Don said nothing, Raphael said, " _ **I don't believe ya. Ya fuckin' detest me and don't want me and Leo ta be together."**_

 _ **"Yes. That was true, but I've changed my mind. Did Leo ever tell you about our mother's death?"**_

Raph briefly recounted what Leo had told him. Then, Donnie said, " _ **Leonardo suffered trauma that day and his memory refuses to remember it. I'd like to tell you in person. What's your address? I'll take…"**_

Alarm bells rang in Raphael's head and he said, " _ **No fuckin' way. Ya will stick a syringe into my neck and then throw my sorry drugged ass in the East River."**_

Donatello snorted derisively and said indignantly, " _ **Are you kidding me? Do I look like a killer? Have you ever heard of the Hippocrates' oath? I swore to save lives, not the other way around! Tell your mother to take down my licence plate number. Call your brother to tell him you're coming with me and to call the cops if you're not alive tomorrow."**_

Raph, stubborn, refused. Leo had told him too many times about his brainiac brother.

" _ **I don't trust ya. It's a trap."**_

The doctor sighed exasperatedly and said, " _ **For God's sake, you watch too many movies! Do you want me to call Leo in a three-way conference? Will that reassure you?"**_

Raph licked his suddenly dry lips and said, _**"Yeah."**_ Hearing Leo's voice would make him walk on hot coals.

" _ **I can't promise that he'll answer. Give me a minute."**_

Raph heard the tone, then Leo's sullen voice. _**"What's the matter again, Donnie?"**_

" _ **Hi, Leo. I'm on the phone with your lover. Say hello, Raphael."**_

" _ **Hello, Leo,"**_ Raphael stammered.

 _ **"What the …? What happened?"**_ Leo exclaimed, dumbfounded.

Just as sullenly, but also a bit nervously, Don said, " _ **I wanted to take him to your house, Leo, but he didn't trust me. You have to tell him to do so. He'll only listen to you."**_

Leonardo sounded stunned. " _ **Well, Raph. You can trust my brother, but where's Hazel? Last time I saw her, she…"**_

 _ **"I don't know,"**_ Don said anxiously. _**"If she didn't follow nor stay with you, she's probably still there. Your boyfriend stole her cell phone from the museum's cloakroom. I'll keep Hazel at my place and you'll have the whole night for make-up sex if you want. Just tell your stubborn boyfriend to trust me."**_

 _ **"Raph, why did you steal Hazel's phone?"**_ Leo asked.

Don cut in sharply and said, _**"No time. I don't want to leave Hazel, pregnant and alone in a crowd. I'll take your lover home and he'll explain."**_

And then Raph understood why the doctor was so insistent to get him. Don threw him under the bus. He was afraid of his older brother's reaction and preferred Leo to hear the news from his lover's mouth. Raphael was, in a way, an offering of peace, in the family quarrel.

But Raphael was still unconvinced. It could be a recording of Leo's voice. He said, " _ **I won't come and I won't say anythin' if I'm not positive that's Leo's voice on the line."**_

Leo, a little annoyed, said, _ **"Raph, you recognize my voice, right? Don't be childish."**_

" _ **Nah. I've seen enough movies. Yer brother may have made recordings. Prove it's ya, Leo."**_

Don sighed in exasperation and Leo said irately, _ **"You have a scratch on your lower back."**_ Raph was convinced. It was really Leo, so possessive and still incensed at the idea of Raph having a new lover. He was so jealous that he couldn't think of anything else as proof that it was really him.

" _ **Okay,"**_ Raphael said. " _ **I believe ya."**_

Don then hung up on Leo without him being able to say a word. Then he said, **"Raphael,** _ **I don't have time to fetch you and take you to Leo, but I want to keep talking to you."**_ Raph was surprised, but he listened. _**"Leo and I were with our mother when she died. She was killed in front of us. Leo never told you about that, right?"**_ Raph said nothing. How could Leo not have talked about such an important event? Donatello continued in a low, hoarse voice, _**"We were home from our karate classes. I was average, but Leo was extremely good, even for a twelve-year-old. I think he had a brown belt."**_

Don paused briefly. Then he said, _**"He was good, but against three Purple Dragons, Leo couldn't do anything. They wanted my mother's money. She only had ten Dollars on her. Even in 1978, ten Dollars wasn't enough. They wanted to rape her. She was a real beauty and had the same hair and the same ballerina figure that Hazel has, but had blue-gray eyes, like my brother. Leo bravely stepped forward. He was so fearless and me? I'd just pissed in my pants and was crying. So, they chose to rape Leo instead, because he was a pretty boy with a pretty mouth and they said it would be more fun and he'd be even tighter. There were two raping him. The Purple Dragons are an Asian gang, but the two men were black.**_ _**They were so muscular in comparison of Leo young body.""**_

Stunned and horrified at the images his mind was conjuring up, Raphael wanted to hang up, but Don wasn't finished, despite clearly feeling the pain that his memories had awoken. Don continued, _**"The other man had his gun at my mother's head, so that she could watch her son fucked by two men. Leo was silent. I'm not sure if I yelled or begged for real or if I imagined it. When the other guy saw his friends having so much pleasure, he was horny too and wanted me. I bit him and he shot a bullet through my mother's head."**_

Raph heard Don sob, but he remained speechless, not even daring to breathe, too shocked. No wonder that Leo preferred to be on top and dominate their love making.

" _ **The others released Leo and we heard the police sirens. I think Leo had fainted for a while, thank goodness, because they struck his head on the concrete. Leo didn't remember anything when he was in the hospital, except that ten Dollars had been taken from the purse. My father said not to talk about it ever for Leo's sake. He demanded that we train hard for our future protection. Leonardo still overdoes it. Are you there?"**_

Don asked tearfully. A strangled sound escaped Raph's throat and Don said, " _ **So, you understand? Leo sacrificed himself, but I didn't want to and my mother died.**_ _**After that, even though he pretended that he didn't remember, Leo became very withdrawn. He didn't try to have a sex life or a love one. He didn't even wish to be accompanied to the prom, but all the girls wanted him as a boyfriend. I tried to introduce him to girls, but he chose Usagi over them. I believed his homosexual choice was a sequel to the trauma that ended our childhood. All the psychiatrists will tell you that this period is very important in the development of the personality."**_

Raph was going to tell him to come to the heart of the matter. He was standing by Betty and he wanted to know the rest before he saw Leo and he badly wanted to see him now, so that he could worship him and heal his wounded soul and body and try to make up for all he'd endured. _ **"I tried,"**_ Don continued. _**"I tried extremely hard to convince Leo that Usagi wasn't the right person for him. Anyway, he wasn't and after the breakup, Leo was depressed. Meanwhile, I had met a girl. I fell in love with her. She reminded me of my mother and I thought I didn't deserve her. She was so pretty, sweet and… Anyway, she saw me as just a friend. I had deprived Leonardo of a mother. I was going to give him Hazel. As I had predicted, Hazel fell under my beautiful, mysterious and dark brother's spell. He is much more handsome than me.**_ _**Since then, I have worked for their happiness, because Leo, such a hero, deserves so much more. Then, when I saw you and how Leo looked at you, I thought Leo was experiencing a second trauma, as a consequence of his first, by wanting to seduce a muscular black man like his rapists.**_ _**But, you know, assumptions, hypotheses, science, can sometimes be wrong. Maybe Leo prefers men. I don't know, but I know he loves you and is very unhappy without you. Maybe I am the one who needs therapy. Not Leo. I tried to advise Hazel, suggesting sexy tricks to keep Leo, but I think that only made them both unhappy. He doesn't love her. He loves you."**_ Raph didn't know what to say. The revelations were so appalling that he was speechless. " _ **Go and see my brother, stupid. Keep the phone and tell him everything, I'll take care of Hazel."**_

Raph mumbled, _**"Thank ya"**_ and started his bike.

As he rode, all he thought about was what Donnie had told him. If he could find the motherfucker scumbag that had hurt _his_ Leo, he thought in rage, he'd break his fuckin' neck. Don's reaction made sense, but the skin color had nothing to do with the rape. The doctor was right. Donatello was the one, who was traumatized by homosexual sex and black men and not Leo. His lover had always seemed comfortable sexually and had never acted like a victim.

Arriving at Leo's place, Raphael climbed off of his bike and nervously knocked on Leo's wooden door for the first official time.

Leo, dressed only in dark gray jogging pants, opened the door and said crossly, _**"Why are you here and not in bed with your new sex buddy?"**_

Raph noticed that Leo was more jealous of him than worried about his missing pregnant wife. It warmed his heart, stupid as it was. " _ **Ya dumbass. I don't have no sex buddy. I have an annoyin' kitten, who likes ta mark me like ya do. By the way, I hope yer not allergic. Cherry is demandin' as hell, but I love her."**_

" _ **A kitten?"**_ Leo asked incredulously. _ **"I was jealous of a kitten?"**_

Raph laughed and said, **"** _ **I've already told ya that yer jealousy issues were somethin'."**_

Leo still seemed kind of shocked and he suddenly bowed his head. When he raised it, he seemed sulky at Raph's confusion. With disdain, the deputy inspector said, **"** _ **I didn't cum on your bed to mark my territory. And I can assure you that I won't piss on anything that belongs to your cat."**_

Raphael changed the subject, feeling uncomfortable. _ **"Can I come in?"**_

Leo let him inside, his expression neutral before he quickly turned his back. Raph looked around. The living room with Leo in it was much warmer than in his memories and more masculine without Hazel's presence. If he played his cards right, Hazel would no longer sit on the leather couch. He would.

" _ **I don't know what Donatello and you are preparing, Raph. I thought you loathed each other,"**_ Leo said, bending down to light a fire in the fireplace. Raph watched him, part of his mind thinking that he'd always wanted to make love in front of a lit fireplace, like a romantic chick does. The other part wondered how he'd tell Leo that his brother had deceived him and he'd never be a father. Tact, delicacy and subtlety weren't his forte.

" _ **I was there tonight and heard yer speech. It was fantastic. Is it me that ya regret?"**_

" _ **Yes. I miss you, but you know we can't be together now. Maybe I can leave Hazel in five or six years when it's easier to raise a child alone, but it would be too late for you.**_ "Leo's voice was dark, but his face was expressionless. Leo didn't look at him and Raphael almost dreaded the blank expression.

Even though he was extremely nervous, Raph vowed to get it over with. He told himself that Don was a coward, but he could understand the doctor's fear. Leo was weird as hell. Raphael took a deep breath and said, _**"It's Don's baby. He slept with yer wife, so that ya could have a child. I suspected it and needed evidence, so I looked for it and found it. Ya can look at it."**_

Leo looked at the flames and all he said was, _**"Oh."**_

The cheated husband was taking it too damn well, so to ensure that Leo fully understood, Raphael repeated himself and said, _ **"Yer not obligated ta her anymore. Ya don't have ta stay with her."**_ Raph waited for Leo's reaction. He wouldn't reject him anymore, would he? Leo would take him back at his side, right?

An agonized Raphael waited in suspense for a while. Then, Leo said, _**"So, what do you want? To tell me I told you so?"**_

Raphael stared at him in incredulity. _ **"What are ya talkin' 'bout, doofus? I'm not such an asshole. It' not yer…Ya can dump her. Yer free."**_

Leo casually moved the logs with the poker " _ **What would I do with my freedom?"?**_ he wonders, rhetorically. _ **"Maybe I'll accept Karai's sexual proposition. She's wanted me for many years."**_

Raph's face darkened in rage. He hadn't expected Leo to say that and he wasn't sure if Leo was serious or joking. _ **"What the fuck? Ya said ya loved me, ya jerk! Don't fuck up my life and break my heart again by messin' with another bitch."**_

" _ **You told me you didn't respect or love me anymore,"**_ Leo said sternly, staring at the fire.

Raph felt like something was crushing his chest. Yeah. He had said that, but Leo had to know how extreme he could be when he was pissed off and that he hadn't meant it.

 _ **"Fuck ya!**_ _**Ya know I was pretendin'. Ya made me fall so deeply in love that I could never forget ya in just a couple of weeks."**_

Leo was silent for a moment. Then he said menacingly, _ **"I didn't forget our last night, when high on cocaine, you had my gun pointed at your head."**_

Embarrassed, Raphael said, _**"I saw a therapist and don't take drugs anymore, but if ya want me ta, I'll go ta rehab. I'm ready for it. I saw the doctor at work and can return there after 60 hours of volunteer work and with a good reference."**_

Leo was still looking at the fire with interest and curiosity. Maybe Raph wasn't as interesting as the flames. Raphael almost felt embarrassed at all he'd said, like it wasn't enough, but at the same time, he wanted Leo to understand that he was ready to change. At least enough to make it work between them. Then, because Leo didn't answer, Raphael added, " _ **But, uh, I don't know if yer ex-wife will wanna write a good reference for me. Maybe I should do my 60 hours elsewhere."**_

He then waited for his lover to answer, anxious to see if he'd be positive about Raph's decision and his efforts.

After a few seconds, Leo burst out laughing and said, _**"Don't worry. She'll do that for you, but she's not my ex-wife yet."**_

Raph anxiously asked, _ **"What do ya mean? She cheated on ya. She tried ta make ya the father of her kid in order ta keep ya against yer will! Ya can't stay with her!"**_

Leo shrugged and said, _ **"It all depends on several things. I will definitely divorce her, but I first want her to admit what she did. I may not be in love with her, but I appreciate her enough to want her to be well. And I should talk to my brother too."**_

Raph felt incredibly tense. Leonardo seemed unconcerned. And it didn't answer the most important question. What about them? Would Leo go for Karai? Would he want to erase Raph from his life, so that he could get over all of the sad memories? But why in the hell, Leo the most possessive bastard on Earth, was so relaxed about Don sleeping with his wife? Raph, during the tattoo, had been surprised that Leo didn't insist on having his name inked across Raphael's chest. Leo was a crazy enough son of a bitch to be in the branding thing. If he didn't know any better, Raph would say that Leo must have smoked weed to be so unusually blasé and chilled about it all.

" _ **For a motherfucker jealous guy, yer very chilled 'bout things. Shit! Yer bro fucked yer wife! Most guys would be fuckin' pissed! Where this fucking possessive temper of yers? Ya almost smashed my damn face over a damn scratch on my back by a kitten. And why don't ya fuckin' look at me?"**_ he snapped, indignantly.

" _ **Well, I was mad at the scratch, because, you, I really love you and because, I already knew it,"**_ Leo replied and smirked _**"I didn't want you to read the truth in my eyes. You know me too well, honey."**_

Raph was stunned. Then, angry. This fucker KNEW IT!

" _ **What the fuck? Ya knew it? And ya did nothin'. Why didn't ya tell me and come ta me? That changes everythin', right? "**_ Raph yelled, half-angry and half-anxious.

" _ **Indeed. It changes everything. If you still love and want me,"**_ Leo said quietly.

" _ **Ya know I do. Fuck! Why didn't ya tell me yesterday? I'd have preferred ta have been pinned ta yer mattress instead of the ring mat and if ya had told me, I wouldn't have been spiteful."**_

Leo stretched, relaxed, and explained, _**"I only learned it two hours ago. You know my speech? Hazel asked me what I was sorry about and I confessed to her. I told her that you'd been my lover since September and that out of cowardice I'd lost you. I also said that if I'd confessed before, she wouldn't be pregnant by a man, who didn't love her and that I'd be with you. She replied that she was pregnant by a man, who loved her. My brother. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said yes. She came back here with me, took two suitcases and went back to the museum to join Don. I am relieved by this news more than you can believe. Without you, life was already painful, but pretending to be happy every day, for a child's sake, was a terrible burden. But, despite my relief, I thought you didn't love me anymore and had a new wild lover. "**_

Raph was stupefied. _**"Don't be foolish… there is no wild crazy lover at yer level, babe..."**_ he replied, uncertain to understand what Leo wanted. He can give him a petname. Leo just did it, so… " _ **But ya said that ya had ta talk ta her and yer brother before makin' a decision after I'd told ya I love ya and that it had only been a cat. And what 'bout the witch at yer job?"**_ Raph asked, upset and confused. _ **"Ya want her, now?"**_

" _ **It was just a joke,**_ _**I don't want anything to do with her. Next thigh I know, I would wear a collar and a leash."**_ Leo said and chuckled.

Raph frowned. _ **"What kinda bad joke is that? Are ya drunk? Or high?"**_

Leo smiled, like the Cheshire Cat, flashed his teeth, and pointed with his chin to an empty liquor glass. _**"Maybe a little drunk, Raph, but I wanted to know how much you love me. And most importantly, I need you to pay me back for the last incident.**_ _**Undress now and come closer.""**_

Leo turned toward him and Raph, seeing the hunger and the lust in his eyes shivered in excitement. It had only been one of Leo's mind-games, their kind of foreplay that they had before incredibly violent sex. Leo played the cool guy, because he wanted a needy and compliant Raph. Raphael didn't mind. He was in the same horny mood now and he missed his lover so much. He snatched his black t-shirt, never leaving Leo lustful gaze. But despite his predatory expression, Leo had something new shinning in his blue-steel eyes. Something Raphael had never seen before.

Happiness.

" _ **I want to make love to you for the first time with a clear conscience, Raph,"**_ Leo whispered. _ **"I want to be able to express my feelings with words and gestures that I won't feel guilty about experiencing. I want to make you feel good and make up for all your past suffering. I want to take my time worshipping your body and love you as you deserve to be loved."**_

Raphael knew that he looked ridiculous, crying tears of joy and his hands trembling,, as he detached his belt, but those words were the ones he hadn't dared to hope for in months.

" _ **I will make it up to you over and over all night long until you have no strength but to entreat me to love you less,"**_ Leo assured seductively. " _ **You wanted to see my house? I'll show you every room from all angles. And then, too bad for the snow, I'll show you the backyard."**_ the policeman assured, seductively. Leo had released his cock from his jog pant, pumping it with sensual stokes, since maybe a while. Raph was too busy to listen to the words and drown in these blue eyes, to noticed it, before. It was now full erect, the precum flowing, shining in the light of the flames. Raph mouth became dry from expectations.

Raphael's heart beat so fast, he thought that he'd leave his body and fly towards the sky, as his arousal grew. He was now completely naked.

" _ **And then,"**_ Leo continued. " _ **If you're a good boy and take all my burning love without too much complaint, I'll go and ask your family for forgiveness**_ _**and take in here all your belonging, and tomorrow you'll come with me to my office party. I need a human shield against Karai's attempts. And then, if you're still nice, I'll introduce you to my father. "**_ As Leo spoke, Raphael's eyes lit up like the flames of the fireplace and he and he kneeled next to Leo, fascinated. It was better than what he'd dared to expect in the first place! But, he still felt like he needed another confirmation:

 _ **"So... Me and ya?"**_

 _ **"Yes,"**_ Leo said and smirked. " _ **You and I. Us."**_

 _ **"So, what about the child? What about having kids? With me, you would have any of it."**_ the black man asked, still a bit worried.

" _ **I shall be a suitable uncle. Nothing more nor less. I don't care whether I'm a father or not. This isn't the most enviable title in my eyes ...I prefer to be your lover. I think I realized that I don't need it to be happy... I don't need to be married and to have a pretty wife baking pies, to be happy. All I really need is true love, and true love is not about a wedding or children. It's about you. All I need is you."**_ Leo conclude in a lovingly whisper.

Raph couldn't say anything. He grinned, feeling happier than he'd ever been.

" _ **I will also explain to your kitten that only I can scratch you and I don't share. She pisses on my uniform and she's out. Understood?"**_ Leo decided in his Batman voice that turned Raph on so much.

" _ **Yeah,"**_ Raph answered, shivering, so excited, while Leo used his artificial hand to pull his hair and pull him close. Leo kissed him fiercely in the hollow of his neck. _**"We'll be good,"**_ Raph promised, meaning it with all the sincerity he had.

Raphael didn't know if Leo's dominant attitude was due to his childhood trauma and he had an unconscious response to it, but he didn't give a damn. He enjoyed it too much. " _ **Come on Fearless. Shut the fuck up and avenge yourself!"**_

Leo eagerly threw himself at him and in-between a tender kiss and a hard bite, Raphael knew that 9/11 was finally behind them.

Fin

* * *

 **thanks to those who have stuck with me in this fic. Thanks to kerryAnne and Lolita for Beta. ITS NOW BEHIND ME!**


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